I feel excluded by my MIL. What can I do?

[PuddingontheBrain]

To begin with, I think my inlaws are nice and well meaning people. I would actually like to improve my relationship with them so looking for some advice.

To give some background, my MIL absolutely loves babies and small children and her adult life has always revolved around her kids. She now has one DCG; my DD who is 3, who she absolutely adores and who has become the most important thing in her life.

I definitely try to see this interest in a positive light but it is so intense that whenever we see PIL, I feel excluded by MIL. To be fair, we don't see them that often (6-7 times a year for 3-6 days at a time) but I am very much made to feel like I should melt into the shadows to allow MIL to 'enjoy' her granddaughter. We saw them for a week at Christmas and whenever I'd enter the room; I could almost see the dismay on MIL's face before immediately piping up that she was just about to take DD out for a walk and that I should stay at home to have a rest. We have been on holiday a few times with PIL and they always want to take DD out on their own and end up doing nice things with her; like pony rides or going to the beach - things I'd like the join in with too. If I ever do get 2 minutes with DD as soon as MIL is back she'll interrupt and coax DD over to play with her.

To be clear; I gladly accept MIL's offers to take DD most of the time; she takes her out on her own, plays loads of games with her, reads her bed time stories and puts her to bed. When they visit I swap my hours around at work so I go into work and they look after DD during the day (they absolutely love this and have been asking to do it since she was born). It's not like I deny them one on one time with DD, I know it's important for them to get their own time with her.

DH is visiting them this weekend and I decided to stay at home to get some time to myself. He has sent me photos of MIL and SIL making a cake with DD which is a lovely thing to do. I just wish I was included in this kind of activity when I visit. But the underlying message I receive is almost 'you get so much more time with DD than us, leave us alone'.

I feel really unhappy about the situation and I am starting to resent my MIL more and more. I am currently pregnant so hormones aren't making me feel any better. I have tried to talk to DH about it but he says I am imagining it and that MIL is a normal grandmother. I don't think I am imagining it but maybe I am being oversensitive? I wonder should I just accept MIL as she is and at least be grateful that she helps out and is a loving GM.

Cross post, mine was in response to Never: "many of us would envy your predicament"

Relationships though are two way; MIL needs to be more mindful of the fact that OP is her granddaughter's mother and she has not included her deliberately. It is also a problem because this child has become MILs main focus in life; its unhealthy from an adult. Not to mention that OPs DH has stated that his wife is imagining things and thinks her behaviour is normal. OP also has a DH problem as well.

My guess too is that DDs as yet unborn sibling will not get as much undivided attention from his/her nan which will also cause problems in its own right.

I sympathise with your situation. My in-laws are obsessed with my son (their first grandchild). They live close and look after him while I am at work (3 days a week). Since he was born they have shown zero interest in me or my dh. Their focus is now solely my lo and most of the time I am made to feel surplus to requirements. My dh thinks it's normal, it's not normal for me or how my family is so I struggle. I just feel like the vessel that delivered their precious grandchild and not like a loved and valued family member.

I've sort of accepted how they are now and just leave them to it. They get 3 full days a week on their own with lo and so I just try and limit how much we see them on top of that.

Not sure what to advise really, just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and I 'get it'. I think it's understandable that you feel the way you do and I hope that either things improve or you learn to accept it. Good luck!

I think you may need to be a bit more honest:

oh yes, a walk on the beach, I'd like that!
No no, you stay here and rest, we'll be fine.
Oh but I'll feel like I'm missing all the fun, I don't want to stay here on my own!

You need to point out to them that they are leaving you out and that you feel sad about it. They are unintentionally being unkind.

Mind, you mustn't go along and be a kill joy!

I don't think there is anything unintentional about it.

I agree.

Thank you for further comments.

I think what is hard for me is that I am very mindful of my inlaws and their relationship with DD. When she was born it was hard for me to let them in (other issues) but I worked really hard to improve this and let them have one on one time. I understand that children have a different dynamic with their grandparents when parents aren't around so I am mostly very happy to let them take DD out and put my feet up. My issue is that they aren't mindful of me.

I think the poster who suggested me suggesting an activity to share with MIL and DD is a good idea, thanks. I will give that a go next time. Also maybe I will talk to MIL. I think if I tell her how I feel then she might realise that she's being insensitive.

Feel for you others in similar situations but am heartened that some of you have seen improvements with time.

I think you are getting a bit of a rough ride here OP, I can understand how you feel.

I think you are going to have to be far more assertive. When they say no, you stay here, say no, I am coming thanks. If they continue to make you feel unwelcome you will have t have it out with DH and tell him you don't want to see them so often unless they start being more inclusive.

I don't think that is unreasonable at all. You sound like you are being far more accommodating than I would be - time to take back a little bot of control I think

OP I totally sympathise as I know first hand how it is to feel excluded.

Maybe you should show ur husband this thread so he can understand other people's opinion that his mum's behaviour is not right and that you are being 'over sensitive' or 'imagining' things.

Everything u mention, I've been submitted too. I have come to realise the way MIL behaved towards me because I breastfed is actually abuse. The constant grabbing my baby from me and turning her back from me. Been there.

I wasnt very assertative so things got worse. In the end, I've had to put my foot down and say NO. I AM the mum. MIL is the grandmother. This is NOT her second chance to play mummy.

OP u work so as it is, u don't even have much time with ur baby girl. You are about to have a second baby and I will bet u she will use this as an opportunity to take DD1 away from u, all under the premise that she is helping u. Don't let that happen.

I found when I had DD2, that it was so important to have DD1 around and give her lots of love so she didn't feel pushed aside. Don't let your daughter down. She's going to need you more than ever after baby no2 is born. I used to hug DD1 and read her a book whilst breastfeeding DD2 so we don't lose that bond and she knows I haven't stopped loving her just because there's a new baby on the scene.

Prepare yourself as I guarantee MIL will ask to keep DD1 with her for a while to 'help' u out.

She doesn't have the right to exclude you. You need to sit down with your husband and have a conversation with him. Write everything down so u don't miss a point. Tell him this is non negotiable. Set your terms and tell everyone to follow or go away.

Posted too soon.

It's important u correct things now because things will only get worse. One day You'll wake up and realise she has completely undermined u with DD1.

I totally sympathise with you OP.

My perception of my MIL is exactly the same - but mine lives 10mins round the corner - so we've had to limit her to once a week as she was turning up unannounced up to 4x per week.

She has never had a daughter and repeatedly tells me this whenever either DH or myself make a request or try to put some boundaries in place. When she doesn't have my Dd she can't take her eyes off her and tries to get her attention (which i find weird & difficult when I'm b/f) and wants to have hold of her every second they're together. She also gets really resentful and complains that she's a mummy's girl when she cries and wants to come back to me (she's 5m/o )

This behaviour makes me feel like she'd rather I was not around so she can play happy families - but we've historically had a great relationship before DD was born so I don't know where this has come from.

I envisage I'll be in the same situation when DD is a bit older - so if you find a solution please report back!!

I agree with pp, write it all down, keep a diary of all the things she is doing, it's only going to get worse. Wait until he is telling you how "normal" a grandmother she is and show it to him. It might just seem like baking cakes and walking on the beach to him but she is manipulating you covertly, playing happy families without you, it's unaceptable, you are her son's wife and the mother of his child, her grandchild. You have done nothing to deserve this shit, personally I would stop going there, if she wants to bake cakes with your DD make her come to you.

I'll gladly swop your mil for mine any day.
Mine has no interest whatsoever in our Dd.
When we visit she's lucky if she reads her a book let slo e takes her out anywhere!
She lives a 3hr drive from us and we once drove down to see her and she said "oh I'm glad you turned up early as I'm meeting my freind for lunch"

Agree with ChinkyChee

Don't send DD there alone again. Make her come to u and stay with them. DD1 is not a toy for her entertainment. MIL needs to be shown firm boundaries. And make it clear to DH, you and DD are family. Either his mother sees all of u at the same time or not at all.

I would understand if you had something to do and needed to leave DD with them but when u r clearly excluded, that's not right.

Don't allow your husband or MIL to make u feel like u r being unreasonable. I am sure the words 'overemotional' 'over sensitive' 'post natal depression' will be mentioned to make u feel that it's all you and that MIL's behaviour is normal. It's NOT.

Stand up for yourself! Good luck! Sending u lots of hugs x

Mine is a nightmare so I feel your pain. Betsy similar situation here. We now don't visit as much and limit their visits. I work full time have twins so weekends are precious. If I had a good relationship I would put up with it but I gave up on that after her behaviour. You have to stand your ground. Don't visit as long and actively be involved even if she doesn't invite.

I think I will try talking to DH again. I think that if the balance was improved then we could all enjoy visits.

I just dont understand women like this, they have already had their families, why do they think they can take over their sons family too? I just have boys and I;m very aware that the boys mum seems to take second best in a lot of things, going by mn anyway, but if this is how it is then I'll accept that, if any future DIL wants to do things her and my sons way, then thats fine by me, I cant understand grans who think it should still inviolve around them, they've had their turn now its another families turn!

I think you need to stop being nice and understanding and all the things we should be op and start being a bit more selfish and forceful, your dd is your child and your MIL will need to just lump it.

My MIL is brilliant but my DM is such a cow too, always giving DS so much attention, it makes me sick. When I'm there all she does is talk about herself and how much of an arse her DH is. On the odd occasion when she does ask how me or DH or DC is Ive hardly got my answer out before she cuts me off and turns it all back to herself so now I jus say were fine if she asks even tho things have happened.I dropped Ds off one day and when I got back they had been to the zoo without me, I couldnt believe it. Then she has the cheek to offer to babysit in the school holidays, no chance.

christ wassup, you dont sound like the op at all! she appreciates the help she gets, she just wishes she was a bit more involved in it all....you sound like you get help and take it, then slag your mum for it afterwards

My apologies for posting so much but I feel for u and what u r going through.

You are about to have a second baby. The little time u have left with DD1 as ur only child is precious. U need to make the most of that as life is going to change again and it's going to be so chaotic.

Make DD1 your priority. Don't send her away for days like this. That's sad! U will never get that time again. Don't abandon her. I know it's not of your own volition and ur being forced to be separated from your daughter but you need to learn to say NO. MIL doesn't have the right to tell u what to do.

She needs to ask u if she can do something. And you have the right to decide and say, Yes we can all do something together or NO u can't take her on your own, we will all go together.

She sounds so awful OP. Tell DH not to show you anymore photos of them baking cakes. He clearly doesn't get it.

your mil and dh are unreasonable and wrong and maybe your dh is scared to shake the boat.
first talk to your dh, if he doesn't do anything then take matters to your hand.

Really, she isn't awful. She isn't a bad person: She just has very little else going on in her life and absolutely adores kids. Her sole interests are her kids and now DD. She is so desperate to spend as much time as possible with DD that she excludes me. I don't think that this is because she doesn't like me or because she is a horrible person. I think it's because of her absolute adoration of DD, it's made her totally self absorbed and she puts her own needs first before thinking about how this may make others feel. Dh enables this as he is happy for her to take over 100%.

This thread has given me a lot to think about. I think I need to work on my relationship with mil and not distance myself (which I'm doing now hence me being at home and DD and dh being at hers). Then I can perhaps make my feeling clearer and stand up for myself more. This will help when dc2 comes as you are right alpies, she is already dropping big hints about helping with DD when the time comes.

Re the taking of photos when baking and sending them to you. I do this when we look after our grandchildren, I do it to let their parents know that they are both happy and content. Their mother (my daughter) was anxious when she went back to work after her maternity leave ended. I did childcare for three days a week, so, to settle her mind I sent her photos of dgs, she really appreciated it.
We still do it when we have them here or when we take them out.