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Original poster

I feel excluded by my MIL. What can I do?

183 replies

PuddingontheBrain · 04/03/2017 18:16

To begin with, I think my inlaws are nice and well meaning people. I would actually like to improve my relationship with them so looking for some advice.

To give some background, my MIL absolutely loves babies and small children and her adult life has always revolved around her kids. She now has one DCG; my DD who is 3, who she absolutely adores and who has become the most important thing in her life.

I definitely try to see this interest in a positive light but it is so intense that whenever we see PIL, I feel excluded by MIL. To be fair, we don't see them that often (6-7 times a year for 3-6 days at a time) but I am very much made to feel like I should melt into the shadows to allow MIL to 'enjoy' her granddaughter. We saw them for a week at Christmas and whenever I'd enter the room; I could almost see the dismay on MIL's face before immediately piping up that she was just about to take DD out for a walk and that I should stay at home to have a rest. We have been on holiday a few times with PIL and they always want to take DD out on their own and end up doing nice things with her; like pony rides or going to the beach - things I'd like the join in with too. If I ever do get 2 minutes with DD as soon as MIL is back she'll interrupt and coax DD over to play with her.

To be clear; I gladly accept MIL's offers to take DD most of the time; she takes her out on her own, plays loads of games with her, reads her bed time stories and puts her to bed. When they visit I swap my hours around at work so I go into work and they look after DD during the day (they absolutely love this and have been asking to do it since she was born). It's not like I deny them one on one time with DD, I know it's important for them to get their own time with her.

DH is visiting them this weekend and I decided to stay at home to get some time to myself. He has sent me photos of MIL and SIL making a cake with DD which is a lovely thing to do. I just wish I was included in this kind of activity when I visit. But the underlying message I receive is almost 'you get so much more time with DD than us, leave us alone'.

I feel really unhappy about the situation and I am starting to resent my MIL more and more. I am currently pregnant so hormones aren't making me feel any better. I have tried to talk to DH about it but he says I am imagining it and that MIL is a normal grandmother. I don't think I am imagining it but maybe I am being oversensitive? I wonder should I just accept MIL as she is and at least be grateful that she helps out and is a loving GM.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddingontheBrain · 04/03/2017 23:29

And again I will reiterate that I am more than willing to encourage one on one time with DD and mil. They gets loads of that. I would just like mil to realise that there are other times when I'd like to be involved too.

OP posts:
Original poster
PuddingontheBrain · 04/03/2017 23:33

thinking it was dh that sent the photo. I didn't mind I was happy to see DD! I just felt a pang of sadness to see sil being actively encouraged to join in when I know had I been there, the whole family would have been telling me to sit down or go to bed or have a bath or whatever.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 04/03/2017 23:35

yes they are involving your sil but not you, it is strange. you are a bit too much understanding I guess.

bluebell34567 · 04/03/2017 23:37

thinkingblonde the weird thing is they are not including op and then sending the pictures. this gives uncomfortable feelings. if op was involved she wouldn't mind the pictures I think.

BackforGood · 04/03/2017 23:37

I wish I'd had a fraction of that sort of support from my MiL. I really think you are looking for problems here. there's nothing wrong with your dd building memories of special times with Grandma. In fact, it should be encouraged. You have all the time in the world with her and will always be her Mum, but Grandparents need to make the most of those times they are together.

bluebell34567 · 04/03/2017 23:40

that kind of support- give your child to me, you go away- is not good in my opinion.

Original poster
PuddingontheBrain · 04/03/2017 23:41

They are encouraged back. Really I've been so clear here to say how much I appreciate the help I do get from mil and that I encourage lots of one on one time between her and DD! But I want to be included. Fwiw I have no support from my own family so I think I can be pretty objective about this.

OP posts:
Alpies · 04/03/2017 23:43

I bet SIL is MIL's daughter and ur husband's sister right? That's y she's included and you are not.

You think MIL is nice. But she's not being nice to you. U need to stop making excuses for her and acknowledge her behaviour for what it is. She's taking over slowly slowly as your DD's mummy and erasing you out of the picture. That's not nice. The fact that she doesn't think of how her behaviour makes u feel, shows she has a narcistic personality.
The fact that SIL is allowed to join in but ur not shows, she doesn't consider u part of her family.

I used to make excuses and doubt myself for so long. Nice people do not hurt other people. Nice people don't excluded other people. Nice people would want a big happy family not cause segregation and division.

Alpies · 04/03/2017 23:47

Backforgood
You have all the time in the world with her and will always be her Mum, but Grandparents need to make the most of those times they are together

Are u crazy? Or let me guess, an MIL!
Y r saying the grandparents needs r more important?!!!! Babies don't stay babies for long. The more the grow the less they need their parents! That's y bonding between a mother and her child is important in those early years!

BackforGood · 04/03/2017 23:55

No, Alpies I'm not a MiL, but my parents died too young for my dc to remember them, and I'd have loved them to have the chance to remember 'when Gran took us for donkey rides' or whatever (to use OP's example), if only my MiL had ever offered. She's not trying to take her off on a month's holiday, she's taking her out for a couple of hours when they are staying the weekend at theirs!

Only1scoop · 05/03/2017 00:01

She sounds amazing I wish she were my MIL.

Alpies · 05/03/2017 00:11

Backforgood, so you think that on the basis that they are going to die one day, it's okay to exclude the mother? Because that's the issue here. It's not let's all be happy family. It's an MIL making it clear that her DIL is not wanted around.

teresa2003 · 05/03/2017 00:13

My DH and l love to take out our DGD (well his dgd my dsgd) but what often happens is DSS (her dad) will say at last minute 'oh lll bob along with you'. I have no interest after that point even though l really like my Ss and enjoy his company at other times. But it completely changes the dynamic as dss have said. Very hard to explain but it feels like supervised access rather than nice quality grandparent / grandchild time. ĐH never says no to him though as finds it difficult to do so as thinks might be hurtful. But we discuss it and he understands and feels the same so we just use tactical measures such as take her out when he's working etc.

teresa2003 · 05/03/2017 00:14

'as pps have said'

Alpies · 05/03/2017 00:20

Teresa2003
^'Tactical measures'!!!!!
^
To exclude the father! That says it all!!!! Family shouldn't do that! This shows u treat the child as a toy for ur own entertainment!

Jazzywazzydodah · 05/03/2017 00:33

OP from experience- Like it or not their will come a time when you have to show her that your in charge of your own child.

If you want to join them on a walk - you will do.
If you want to join in with donkey rides - you will do.

People only treat us how we let them

Grandparents are in their grandchilds lives because their parents choose to let them be. They have no priority or legal standing.

My grandmother is a lovely women but actually quite dominate over me and it left my 17 year old mother unconfident. Something my gran still chuckles about

op put your big girls knickers on and stand up for yourself.

Jazzywazzydodah · 05/03/2017 00:35

teresa you should stay at home then, she isn't a doll, your not playing mummy and daddy.

maggiecate · 05/03/2017 00:36

When they tell you to stay home try saying stuff like "oh but I love seeing the two of you together - you've got such a lovely relationship with her, and she loves you so much - makes me feel a bit teary, so many women have terrible MILs who don't take an interest and you're so great, I just feel so blessed when I see you and her together."

Lay it on with a trowel. Love bomb her. Keep a low profile and let her take the lead when you're out for walks, doing activities etc, and take lots of candid piccies of her and DD and then sigh happily over them and show them off to DH/FIL etc. Make her feel secure, that you recognise this time is precious to her, and then she might realise it's precious to you too. If not, at least she would look very unreasonable to be objecting to you coming along!

Alpies · 05/03/2017 01:26

This reply has been deleted

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CanIPlaytoo · 05/03/2017 02:30

She really is out of order OP. Incuding SIL and not you? Stand your ground.

You are the most important person here and she is not recognising that. You need to let her know, she'll never understand otherwise.

Smitff · 05/03/2017 02:32

Excluding you is one thing.

Excluding you and including your SIL is another thing. You're an outsider to MIL's family. Your DD is a member of her family in a way you are not.

That's just the way it is for some people. Not nice, but there it is. It's exactly the situation I have, almost to the last detail.

Ultimately, my DC are better off with loving and inclusive grandparents. I'm plenty included in my own children's lives (I'm a SAHM ffs). BUT, I have established firm boundaries over the years, and nobody is in any doubt whose say goes. They are my responsibility, bottom line, so my rules apply.

NoYouAreASnowflake · 05/03/2017 02:51

Oh for the love of all that is good and pure.

OP go bake a cake with your LO and take a picture. Send it to yourself then send it to MIL and don't forget to bcc that bitch of a SIL of yours.

Go home MN you're drunk!!!

FrenchLavender · 05/03/2017 05:27

Honestly, the poor woman probably thinks she is doing you a massive favour by giving you a break. So many people complain that their in laws or own parents don't give enough of a stuff about their children. You are incredibly lucky - please don't spoil something so precious for your DD. A really loving, enthusiastic and actively involved grandparent is an absolute joy and a privilege and your DD's life will be so enriched by it. She has something that many parents would gladly give their right arm for their child to have - why resent it?

If you want to join them in some of their walks/games then just say so. Don't be such a martyr about it - she's not a mind reader and she's unlikely to tell you NO! But even if she does crave being alone with her why do you begrudge her that? She must miss her terribly in the two months where she doesn't see her. I honestly don't understand why, when this only happens once every couple of months for a few days you really need to feel so insecure and put out about it, and why you can't just enjoy the break and enjoy seeing your DD and her granny so happy together.

Your DD isn't going to love her more than you, you know.

FrenchLavender · 05/03/2017 05:28

oh....ok.....haven't read the bit about the SIL.

FrenchLavender · 05/03/2017 05:33

Oh. Confused I thought there was going to be some big drama over the SIL that I'd missed. It's nothing. So you saw one photo of the SIL asking with your DD and your MIL and you are assuming that she is allowed to be included but you are not? So again, it's probably that as her auntie she wants to be involved in something with DD that she doesn't usually get to do.

Has your SIL got children of her own? I honestly don't understand the collective sense of insecurity and paranoia over this. So many MN threads make me think that some of you seem to guard your children from your in laws as though they are the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in disguise.