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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 04/03/2017 18:53

Men don't mark their territory, controlling bastards do. OP I know this has been a real shock to the system but can I suggest you google the freedom programme, its to support women in your situation and help you to understand it's not your fault, none of it is.

OnTheRise · 04/03/2017 19:10

What he's doing is hugely inappropriate.

If you don't want him to touch you, you should only have to tell him to stop it ONCE. If he carries on after that he's being abusive. If he tells you you're being over-sensitive about it, he's being abusive. And so on. There are no shades of grey here.

This is awful.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 19:28

I can't really believe that I might be in an abusive relationship and have to leave him!! I've known him since school for years.
We're living together in his house. If I left him I don't even know where I would go. I work part time as a waitress so hardly earn much money!! Do I have to leave him?? I Might just be able to get him to stop

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 04/03/2017 19:28

Shocked to read this op. You need to think carefully about this relationship - it seems to be all about what he wants, with no thought at all about your feelings. Sad

Naicehamshop · 04/03/2017 19:30

No, you don't have to leave him, but you do need to get him to listen to you. Really listen.

Semaphorically · 04/03/2017 19:31

Do I have to leave him??

Start by telling him you don't want him to do it, and mean it! How he reacts will tell you a lot.

Vegansnake · 04/03/2017 19:32

Fucking hell...I'd dump someone for that..my body ,keep yr fucking mits of would be what I would say first time it happened

AnyFucker · 04/03/2017 19:34

Being touched sexually when your dc is around is child abuse

Social Services would consider it sexual grooming on a par with showing her pornography. I bet he is a pornhound, yes ?

How about that ?

Trustyourself2 · 04/03/2017 19:38

Imagine witnessing this happening to someone else in public. That's how you look when he's doing it to you, as though your his property. To me it's very disrespectful & he should be more sensitive to your feelings about this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 19:38

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.
What did you learn about relationships when growing up; its a question you should consider very carefully.

Re your comment:-
"By slightly controlling I just meant that he prefers just being in charge and I don't mind that"

Well you should. Why is your relationship bar so very low? Your DD will pick up on the fact that her dad is abusing her mother and treating her like a possession. She is like a sponge; she is learning from you both. Currently you are teaching her that this from him is acceptable to you.

Most guys as well do not act like this person does. Wherever did you get that idea from?. You need to see this for what it really is; a gross disrespect of you as a person. You have no autonomy with this man; he wants absolute power and control over you.

It matters not that you've known him for years since school. You met him when you had no real life experience behind you and now you have a chid by him. Do you want this treatment of you for her as well?

And how are you going to get him to stop?. Short answer to that is that you cannot. Talking to him has not worked; leaving him will free you.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2017 19:39

'We're living together in his house. If I left him I don't even know where I would go. I work part time as a waitress so hardly earn much money!! '

PLEASE, please realise how incredibly vulnerable you are by being an unmarried partner in his house who doesn't work FT/earn enough to support herself. He has you right where he wants you - the reason why you don't realise his behaviour is so wrong and believe 'most guys' are macho/controlling gropers is because you haven't had any other relationships and somehow picked up the idea that this behaviour is acceptable when most people would have immediately dumped a person who did this long ago.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 19:39

You've tried talking to him and he still persists in groping you. You are an object to him to use as he sees fit; he thinks that little of you. Its unacceptable to you and your child; its damaging her as well.

Lelloteddy · 04/03/2017 19:50

I think that you need to see this as a line in the sand. His behaviour is not acceptable, in public or at home. He has NO RIGHT to touch you se u ally without your consent.
And you need to tell him that. His reaction and how he chooses to behave in future will tell you all that you need to know about whether he respects you or not.

NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 19:53

"Do I have to leave him?? I Might just be able to get him to stop"

Well, you don't have to leave him. You could stay and let him continue to treat you badly and erode your self-esteem. Not to mention provide a terrible example of relationships to your child.

As for whether you can make him stop... that depends. Firstly he would need to accept that his behaviour is wrong. That doesn't seem likely, given that you already challenged it and he accused you of "overreacting". It might be worth another try. But unfortunately if he is abusive (and he sounds it) he is very unlikely to admit being in the wrong, and even more unlikely to change.

You might find it helpful to read Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft.

NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 19:58

"We're living together in his house. If I left him I don't even know where I would go. I work part time as a waitress so hardly earn much money!!"

As a single parent on a low income, you are likely to be eligible to apply for social housing. If you're willing to report the abuse (to Women's Aid, for example) you would also qualify for housing as a victim of domestic abuse.

Also, as a single parent with a part-time job, you would be entitled to Income Support (if working less than 16 hours/week) or Working Tax Credits including money towards childcare (if working 16 hours or more per week). That's in addition to Child Benefit, Child Tax Credits and Housing Benefit (regardless of your employment status and working hours).

If you want information about housing and benefits, I suggest you talk to Women's Aid and/or Citizens Advice.

You do have choice - don't stay with him because you think it's your only option.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 04/03/2017 20:05

I wonder how he'd respond if you turned around and gave his nuts a good old hard squeeze in front of all his mates?

Not that I'm advocating that. But I bet he wouldn't enjoy it would he?

My ex used to honk my breasts like Sid James in a fucking Carry On film. It made me feel absolutely filthy and degraded.

The low point being when my DS copied him as he thought daddy was being hysterical.

Because when I stood my ground I was being a party pooper you see...and I should've been glad that he was still interested...and it was all a bit of fun...yeah lucky me. 😒

NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 20:05

Ineed Confused Sad

Original poster
user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 20:53

yeah he has said that before!! He said I should be glad he finds me sexy and likes playing with my tits.

I just cant really believe this has happened to me. its a lot to take in. I still don't really believe it but sad thing is when i was on my phone about to read this he actuly reached over and started feeling my breasts. Ive gone upstairs now and he's watching tv. sometimes he does it to start sex but sometimes is just like he's bored and wants a play.

someones comment really got to me. does he actualy see me as a life support for a pair of tits and a vagina. Is that actually all he thinks of me?? after all this time and even after we've had a kid together?? i cant really believe it.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 20:56

my child is not being abused though i wouldn't let that happen!! Yes sometimes he touches me in front of her but we would never have sex or anything and i try make sure she sees as little as possible.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 20:58

Oh that's alright then Hmm

Original poster
user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 21:00

sorry i don't mean to say its ok. I just don't want people to think that i don't care about her! She's the most precious thing in the world

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 21:01

You cannot and indeed have not been able to fully protect her from his groping of you. She has already seen you being groped by him and she will become more aware as she gets older.

NameChange30 · 04/03/2017 21:01

No one is doubting that you love and care for your daughter. We're just pointing out that his behaviour is damaging for her to be around and you mustn't minimise it. Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2017 21:02

I realise that you do care about her but she cannot and must not learn such damaging lessons on relationships. You are showing her that currently at least this is acceptable to you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your own parents set you?. Its a question you need to seriously give thought to.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/03/2017 21:08

What sort of man gropes a woman in front of a child? He sounds like an absolute animal.