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Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
zozozoo · 05/03/2017 13:15

So his money goes towards home ownership while yours goes towards keeping the family fed... I.e. his goes towards something tangible he can walk away with should you split up while you are left with nothing. You are helping him buy HIS house. Does that sound fair to you? Sorry by the way and best of luck sorting yourself and your dd out with a better life.

notanurse2017 · 05/03/2017 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naicehamshop · 05/03/2017 13:59

Be careful, op. Quite apart from his lack of respect towards you (which sounds horrible) you are in a dangerous financial situation.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/03/2017 15:00

He is using you, in so many ways. Sad Angry
He is using verbal lip service to flatter you into accepting his dominance over you. Talk is cheap.
It is all about his interests -
I mean he is self-interested: sex, housing, finances, his socializing (do you go out with your friends as a couple?).

Regarding the sex: I see it as him using you as a sex doll with a pulse. Sorry.

Regarding the finances: there have been many threads on MN over the years regarding this exact set up. He will never marry you because it is not in his financial interest to do so. He wants you dependent on him so you will stay. He will object to you working more hours. That takes you away from keeping his house and having a hot meal for him on the table when he gets home from work.

He could decide to end this "relationship" at any time and the only recourse you could hope for is child maintenance (sounds like he is the kind of bastard that would contest paternity before paying a cent). You are being made to spend the entirety of your paycheck for your day to day needs (with no savings?) while he is bank rolling his sizable income for a healthy pension and paying off his mortgage. You will not have a pension. You will not have a home. You will not have savings. This is the reality of what he thinks of you and how much he actually "cares". Zero. Sorry. Flowers

thethoughtfox · 05/03/2017 17:01

Anyone seeing this in a public place would be horrified and think your partner was rough and scary, and you were the 'little woman'.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 05/03/2017 17:58

omg. i am now very worried about the money!! What can i do??
I never even thought about it that way. I just thought he's paying for the house and i don't have to pay any rent so thats a good thing and if i need more money then he always gives it to me. he gives me money to go shopping for clothes and things sometimes to.

i never even thought that we would split up. this maybe sounds silly but i thought we would get married and have another kid sometime and have a family so i didnt even think about those things or if we spilt up :( omg I'm realy panicking now. yes the groping thing was very annoying and i didnt like it but that was the only thing really and yes he wants sex a lot but i thought when we get older it will get less. but now i think i am in an abusive relationship but i didnt know

i have about £1000 in a savings account but tht is it. he has even said before i should think about maybe stopping work and just focus on stuff at home and looking after dd.

OP posts:
Phoebefromfriends · 05/03/2017 18:06

I would take a deep breath and make a plan to build up your money and escape. He really is abusive and I would urge you to get some help. He controls so many aspects of your life including your body that you need to start untangling your lives. Have you got family?

Original poster
user1486897010 · 05/03/2017 18:46

i just cant believe that he just sees me as an object for sex.. :/ when we've had a kid and been together so long

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/03/2017 18:53

He probably sees you as helpful for childcare and housework too!

In all seriousness, though. He probably cares about you in his own way. But someone who is abusive to this extent is not capable of respecting and loving them as an equal. But that's a reflection on him, not you. You are more than worthy and deserving of respect and love. It's just that he can't give it to you.

Flowers
mummabubs · 05/03/2017 18:55

I meant to add user that my ex that treated me the same way was the first serious relationship I'd ever had. I was 23 at the time and just assumed that all men/ relationships were like that... which I know now they are most definitely not. No-one is 100% good or evil, my ex could make me laugh like no-one I've known, but that doesn't change or diminish the fact that he abused me emotionally and sexually for the next 2 years. It took me a long time to realise that and to not blame myself (which is what he did and sounds very much like your dp effectively saying you should be grateful that it's because he finds you so attractive). I promise you, you deserve a life where you are in control of when your body is touched and where your response is accepted. My husband is the most gentle and loving person and if he's ever been in the mood and I haven't he accepts my feelings straight away, as I do with him. Mutual respect is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship and sounds like that's what yours is lacking. Women's shelters or your local citizens advice bureau may be able to advise you re: financial benefits you may be entitled to in your position if you leave. Hope that helps xx

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 05/03/2017 19:18

he has even said before i should think about maybe stopping work and just focus on stuff at home and looking after dd.

Oh lord please don't do this.
Compiled with every thing else you've said, I fear you'd be further isolated and dependent on him if you stop working.

I think you'd benefit from speaking to Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247 - you can leave a message with a safe time for them to call you back. Flowers

notgivingin789 · 05/03/2017 19:47

Urgh ! My ex was like this... and he is abusive too.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 05/03/2017 19:56

Should i talk to him or tell him anything or just act normal? I don't really know how to be anymore.

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 05/03/2017 20:04

Just be as you always have with him, for now. You need to work out how you want to proceed, and it'll be much harder if he's angry with you.

Speak to Women's Aid.

CatOnAWarmTinRoof · 05/03/2017 20:14

OP, if you insist that he really is a great guy, give him a chance -ONE CHANCE- to prove it.
Tell him that your body is not a plaything. He can only touch you sexually with your expressed permission.
NO groping in public or private in front of your child.

See if he can stick to that

watermelongun · 05/03/2017 20:19

I disagree. He's had one bloody chance - and did he respect what op was asking? Did he fuck! He told her she should be grateful.

DevelopingDetritus · 05/03/2017 20:23

If it were me I'd pack my bags and leave. Don't let him come near you. You don't have to go through another rape again! Stay in a B&B, what ever, anything but that one more time.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 05/03/2017 20:29

i dont hate him or anything though! I do still love him. Yes i am realising that he is taking advantage of me but he's not horrible. I want to give him another chance

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486897010 · 05/03/2017 20:35

i dont hate having sex with him either. sometimes i want to have sex but just has a higher sex drive than me. Sometimes i don't feel in the mood and don't want sex but i do it to keep him from being grumpy and moody.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 05/03/2017 20:35

Definitely talk to him. And make it clear what the consequences will be if he can't respect you in relation to this. In all honesty given you've asked him to stop in the past and he's chosen to ignore that it would suggest that he won't change, but if you do want to give him one more chance just make it very clear that that's what it is.... and stick to it. Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I've ever done but five years on I'm a better and stronger person for it, and am now in the most loving and respectful relationship that I never could have dreamed existed before. If he loves you, he'll stop.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 05/03/2017 20:45

Please don't feel stupid OP. He really sounds like he's done a number on you.

He's coercing you into sex and sex acts he knows you don't want.

It's not normal and you and your daughter deserve so much more.

Flowers
DevelopingDetritus · 05/03/2017 21:15

If he loves you, he'll stop. If he loved her he wouldn't have done it in the first place!

mummabubs · 05/03/2017 21:55

True Developing. It makes you wonder what his parents' relationship was like and where he got the idea that this behaviour was ok. The trick is once you know your behaviour upsets another person if you continue to do it then you aren't showing that you love them.

DevelopingDetritus · 05/03/2017 22:01

That's right. I also suspect OP has had this type of behaviour normalised with her upbringing too.

FurryLittleTwerp · 05/03/2017 22:06

"he has even said before i should think about maybe stopping work and just focus on stuff at home and looking after dd"

this is also very bad - please do NOT do this - you will become more dependent on him