Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Am I overreacting about my bf groping me in public

502 replies

user1486897010 · 04/03/2017 16:44

Hi.
My bf who is father of my dd keeps touching my tits in public. Today we went shopping and he had his arm around me and was just cupping one of my boobs. I don't know if I'm overreacting but I just get a bit embarrassed from anyone walking past and seeing it. If i try to move his hand away he complains and gets all grumpy and just says he is showing me afection. It happens quite a bit. Either my boobs or bum. I've told him before i don't really like It in public and he stops for a bit but always goes back to doing it. He also complains that is it because I'm ashamed of him. And I'm not. But maybe I am just being silly. Sorry for the long post. Do you think I should mention it to him? What should I do?

OP posts:
YNK · 13/05/2017 12:15

The fact that he has done this at all makes it child abuse and since you have gone along with it up to now is evidence you have colluded with him in doing this.
You are not fit to bring up a child and I hope she is removed to a place of safety asap.
The next time the pair of you do this in public I hope you are reported to the police so the child can be safeguarded.
You are not some innocent party to this, as other posters suggest - you are equally guilty in the eyes of the law for allowing this abuse!

SparklingRaspberry · 13/05/2017 12:21

Just because he hasn't physically done anything to her it doesn't mean he isn't damaging for her!!!!

If she meant the world to you like you say, then you'd leave.

Honestly I'm beginning to think this is a wind up thread.

If not, you're an unfit mother.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 13/05/2017 12:26

He was bad yes but hes got better!
hes not doing anything in front of her or anything anymore and she was to young to remember if she ever saw anything before.

she does mean the world to me. I really dont think she is being abused tho.

she doesnt know or see anything and i am a good mother.

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/05/2017 12:27

user1486897010, has he stopped touching you up in public as well as at home?

Original poster
user1486897010 · 13/05/2017 12:31

yeah he has stopped in public. Doesnt do it anymore. He is getting much better.
He still does at home but just like grabs my bum or tits but he doesnt do it in front of dd and he just does it because he has a high sex drive so i dont really mind

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 13/05/2017 12:34

Your DD deserves better--she is living with a pervert and you are condoning his current behaviour.
Disgusting...just disgusting

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 13/05/2017 12:35

Good that he's stopped in public. But having a high sex drive does not give him free rein to grope you at home if you don't like it, and it certainly doesn't mean he can't help doing it. He can have a high sex drive, find you irresistable, but still respect you enough to only touch you in ways you like.

YNK · 13/05/2017 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
user1486897010 · 13/05/2017 12:45

Your wrong!
I am not twisted!! None of this was my fault. I am trying to sort it out and it is getting better. I never wanted him touching me in public or in front of dd and i was stupid to let it happen but it has stopped now!
I never liked him touching me in public. i was always embarased but he doesnt do it anymore

OP posts:
YNK · 13/05/2017 13:13

You are making the point that YOU were embarrassed????
You didn't give a twu'penny toss about your DD, or anyone else did you?
Did you start this thread for more attention for yourself?

Seriously, if you are claiming it was stupidity that caused you to collude with him, then you are way to stupid to understand a childs needs!

Rarely has a thread made me so fucking angry!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 13/05/2017 13:15

I really dont think she is being abused tho.

Unfortunately, for you, and more so for your daughter, you do not get to define what is abuse and what is not. Willful ignorance will not be an excuse lawfully; nor when she is older and realizes what you put her through and demands an explanation why you did not protect her.

she was to young to remember if she ever saw anything before. This is a really dismissive remark.
Her brain may not hold the actual memory (you nor anyone else can not know for sure) but you need to understand that her brain is imprinting the culture of her environment as a guiding template for her future life.

There is more to being a good parent than meeting basic physical requirements. Nurturing and guiding and yes, teaching a child are necessary to provide the psychological environment to create social and emotional intelligence is just as important as meeting her physical needs.

Unfortunately for your daughter, you seem to have very little social and emotional intelligence or you would not still be making excuses and minimizing (everyone makes mistakes Hmm = premeditated acts, ffs) for that disgusting sexual predator.

You think he didn't target you because of your daughter...at your peril; and at the peril of your daughter. A good mother would not take this risk for anything in the world. I can not agree that you are a good mother. Your daughter can not protect herself-she is wholly reliant on you. Sad Sex is always on his mind and your daughter will be a target sooner or later.

AnathemaPulsifer · 13/05/2017 13:32

And sharing videos of you with his mates? Is that all forgiven and forgotten?!

pinkyredrose · 13/05/2017 13:37

He has a high sex drive? Nothing to do with lack of respect? What's he like when you don't feel like sex? Or are you expected to be up for it any time he wants it?

DarthMaiden · 13/05/2017 13:42

OP - I'm sorry but I can't get my head around giving someone a second chance who shared intimate videos/pictures of you without your consent.

Even if he manages to keep his hands to himself and stop pressuring you into sex - how can you get past this?

How do you feel when you see his friends? Is he still videoing you?

The situation is still so far from "normal" and yet you continue to minimise it. I actually feel very sad and scared for you and your DD.

YNK · 13/05/2017 13:43

She's had it explained to her a million times, yet she's still minimising it!

His disgusting mates like watching it so she doesn't see any harm in showing it to a child, or a member of the public!

She's only put a stop to it temporarily, albeit reluctantly, so she still gets a sympathetic ear from us.
Just because she's needy it doesn't excuse her1

I sincerely hope the pair of them find themselves in front of a judge and that poor child is removed to somewhere safe!

FrenchMartiniTime · 13/05/2017 13:51

I think this is a troll.

Surely nobody is this fucking stupid?

"I'm a good mother" ..... no, you're not.

AmserGwin · 13/05/2017 14:34

You have said on several occasions that you 'are just a waitress'. So what? Have some bloody respect for yourself, or no-one else will. He has zero respect for you. He sounds vile, how can you even have sex with him?

JK1773 · 13/05/2017 14:47

God this is just awful. That poor child. OP you DP videoed you without your consent and showed his friends!!!!!! He's a massive massive risk to you with no sexual boundaries at all. He's groped you in front of your CHILD!!! That is abuse! Nothing less, exactly that! Child abuse!! You say things are better, doesn't sound it to me. By staying you are failing to protect your child and if I knew you in RL I would be reporting you both!!

rockabillyruby82 · 13/05/2017 16:30

Woah! I've spent most of the day reading this thread, and I'm not sure what to say except, I get it OP.
You except him because he is all you've known. It's like trying to except the colour blue is actually red.
I was in a similar relationship for 5 years, he had a high sex drive, liked porn style sex and if I refused his advances he'd go into a mood or he'd tell me there was something wrong with me. Eventually I just stopped saying no. He even forced me into having anal sex, he knew I didn't want to! But he persisted and he hurt me. When I was pregnant with our second child I discovered he was having an affair and I told him to leave. It was only after that I spoke about our relationship and I saw how wrong it was. You know the crazy thing? When I see him now, I'm still in denial of what he did.
You've been given great support and advice here and please, when you have the time, read the while thread again.
You've sparked some horrible reactions with your decision, as hurtful as this is to you, they are meant to shock you. Please don't be discouraged from coming back for support.
I know you're scared. What you have to do and go through to achieve safety and happiness is fucking scary and it won't be easy. But just think, for a moment. What do you want? A secure home that's yours? A safe environment for your daughter? A man who loves and respects you? You can have that, many, many women have been where you are. And they fought tooth and nail, they made the hardest decision possible, they put their children before anyone else, they got out! You can and hopefully will do that in time and one year later.....boy, will life be different, better and then? Then you'll see.

charlyn · 13/05/2017 17:44

Hes a sexual predator with no respect for you. Its only a matter of time before it gets worse again.

tipsytrifle · 14/05/2017 23:24

Which things have you agreed to him/you continuing and what has he agreed to refrain from? Is it just the public stuff you're not into? Did you have a list of stuff or was it a more generalised "tone it down" conversation? You seem ok to accept his high sex drive as "a thing which determines how he behaves but with a few limits." Are you ok with that on the grounds that "no-one's perfect?" It isn't necessary to know if you agreed to showing videos of you in action to his mates etc ... just wondering where your boundaries are. Just that. Wondering where your boundaries are. Maybe also wondering if your boundaries are really the price you're prepared to pay for a lifestyle that agrees with you. Many convince themselves that security in the face of its opposite is a fair trade.

Ginger782 · 15/05/2017 03:41

@AndTheBandPlayedOn nailed it with this:
^Her brain may not hold the actual memory (you nor anyone else can not know for sure) but you need to understand that her brain is imprinting the culture of her environment as a guiding template for her future life.

There is more to being a good parent than meeting basic physical requirements. Nurturing and guiding and yes, teaching a child are necessary to provide the psychological environment to create social and emotional intelligence is just as important as meeting her physical needs.^

You're either a troll or as thick as a brick and enjoying the attention. In 10/15 years your daughter will be wondering why she is in shitty relationship after shitty relationship. She has a terrible role model and deserves better. Don't reasure yourself by constantly repeating that she 'means the world to you', 'you love her' and you 'wouldn't let him hurt her'. It's quite pathetic. You aren't giving her the best you can, you are giving her as good as you can be bothered providing with minimal effort as a mother.

Ginger782 · 15/05/2017 03:50

Yeah, OP, I have just read through the other posts you've written on MN since Feb:
Should I get back with my BF
I have to give him blow jobs all the time because he has such a high sex drive
Is this normal?
He's so good at saying the right things
I feel bad about my dd being an only child and don't know what to do about it
On every other thread everyone has said the same thing to you. Do you just love the attention that you get from playing the victim?

weatherbomb · 15/05/2017 14:53

Pitiful excuses. oh well, more wank fodder for his lovely mates then............

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2017 16:38

You aren't being a good mother.