found my partner spying on me

[user1488448211]

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

So where's he sleeping tonight?

'Our relationship is over because you have been spying on me and you cannot change any of this by telling lies'

Also, I'll be billing you for a security sweep company to come and clean my home and devices of your pathetic spy stuff.

Run.

Run fast. Run far.

He's lying then, when he's caught in that lie, he lies again. None of this is you. He's a very sinister individual and you're lucky you found him out now. If could easily have been 10 years and 3 DC down the line.

I understand that giving up on the dream of a future you thought you were planning is heartbreaking, but it's only by being free that you will be able to meet a man who will make you happy, trust and love you.

A happy marriage is a wonderful thing. This man will not give you that, but there are plenty of far better men out there.

Be thankful this has happened before the wedding! But don't think for a second that this is your fault because he expects you to know that he needs space and needs you to be meek so he can be he man of the house!

Either he is trying to get proof that you are doing something so he has an excuse to leave without being the bad guy.

Or he is a controlling freak that needs to know what you are doing and keep tabs on you.

Or probably some other things. But the fact that he was found out and he denied then admitted a smaller version when he knew he was caught, and is now getting caught up in his lies, you KNOW he is lying through his teeth and you cannot trust him.

Get your phone checked for spyware and get out of that house if you can. I would possibly hire someone to check the house if you are unable to leave.

Either way, his lies shouldn't change anything. Even if he told the truth, I would leave. He is controlling and creepy.

Go and speak to your parents /family. Tell them you are calling off the engagement, because you've seen some traits that you don't like in him.

Don't get married, only to become a statistic. This is not just a red flag, it's a bloodbath

Can you imagine having children and being tied to this man forever!

No matter how much money I'd spent, I would not want a daughter of mine to marry a controller like this.

who forgets so quickly that he installed and searched for it on google?

Nobody does. He's a liar and now he wants to turn it on you.

You won't be able to change him and it won't get better. He'll grind you down, you'll never be 'enough' - good enough, thin enough, intelligent enough etc etc - he will make you doubt everything about yourself and he'll probably be cheating whilst he does it undoubtedly saying you're flirting too much with xyz even if you're just saying thank you, and if he is cheating it'll be your fault.

RUN

My exh told me he'd installed spyware on our laptop and that he had evidence of me downloading child porn.

Obviously he was completely making up about the 'evidence' but he used this threat for months; I worked in education at the time so it was terrifying - he had me doubting myself, it was horrendous.

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. IF YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S LIKE NOW, IT CAN ONLY GET WORSE.

Stronger what the actual fuck. He should have been prosecuted for falsely making such a disgusting accusation! You poor thing

If this was the only thing wrong and you were otherwise blissfully happy, then I MIGHT say give him the benefit of the doubt. However, from what you say there are lots of other problems, it shouldn't be complicated at this stage, this is a red flag too far.

He's a total creep. My ex put spyware on everything. He bought a mobile phone and started texting me from it to 'catch me out.' I told him about the messages straight away, he saw I was concerned about who it was and he still continued. He knew what I was looking at on my laptop from his. Came up with all sorts of excuses (it must be the house wifi etc), just rubbish. Came to a head when he saw what I'd posted on here (he never knew I went on here). Million in one shot he would have 'accidentally' stumbled across my post. I left after that thank goodness. At least before I went he got the opportunity to read what all the lovely supportive mumsnet folk thought about him and his creepy behaviour. Run for the hills, he's not normal

Have you noticed That every single poster on this thread has said that you should leave him?

Why do you think that is? It's very unusual to have everyone in agreement.

He's not good at his job as got caught, he's a shit partner if you marry him progress to having kids I'm sure he'll be even more crap than he already is

Creepy bastard - RUN

Cancel the wedding, dear God, don't lock yourself to this sinister creep. Cancelled weddings are not a big deal, both my parents called their first planned weddings off and both of them are hugely relieved and glad that they did. Everyone else will get over it.

Read Whereyouleftit's post again op - they have hit the nail on the head.

Its hard but youve got to get out of this relationship or your life will be utterly miserable

What should you do?

Err run.....

Run.

OP, I'm growing concerned that we haven't heard from you in several hours. Are you OK?

Quite so, MrsDB, and the even the latest postings from her weren't really "new information", or addressing any new information from PPs. I'm concerned that they're not even her own words, apart from in a cut&paste way.

Get RId Now.

This is only the start.
'He needs to be your priority now' aka what I say goes and you do as I say or else. You see whom I want you to see, you go where I want you to go and nothing else.

Your whole existance is to be subservient to me and I will spy on you to make sure you are and you will be punished if you arent.

All the previous stuff was bullshit. He just needed to lull you into a false sense of security till he felt comfortable to start the whole controll crap.

THis is the REAL him, get him out now or in 5 years time you will have no friends (as they arent 'right for you', dont like him etc etc) no family (they interfere to much with 'us' and I want you all to myself) and other bullshit.

Stop trying to find excuses for him, this is for real, please do something now.

He wants more space? Give him exactly that - lots and lots of space, permanently.
There is no way back from here.