found my partner spying on me

[user1488448211]

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

If there is a camera you can see, I'd worry what hidden cameras there is might be that you can't see

when we argue, he doesn't talk to me until i go and kiss him.

So you must always be the one who's sorry? You must go to him? Like a punished pet creeping in to see if its owner is still angry? And what happens when the kisses stop working? That will probably be the day after the wedding.

Really it's not you, it's him.

You have two choices-
Tell him to go/pack up your stuff and go (depends who's the house is)

Or stay. Be spied on in the house. Have Trackers put on your phone. Have software to monitor your net usage on the computer and phone. To not talk about things. To say yes to him regardless of what he wants, think about that one for a moment. We are man and wife and the wife does things for her husband. To walk around on eggshells in case you annoy him. Then you have children who slight him in some way, because to be honest children do annoy us, but we suck it up. Imagine him ignoring the children and the effects on them.

This isn't your doing. It's him. The blaming you is in the abusers 'handbook' it's part of their script.

Get out now, huge red flag. My advice would be never do that.

OP, check the house to make sure he hasn't installed any other spyware (clocks, watches, USB sticks, pens, pinhole cameras etc..) Ask him to leave as it's your house. Then get a security company in to check if anything else has been 'accidentally' installed (if it's wireless, they can pick up on its signal). also check for any new power leads/extensions, lights/smoke alarms etc..)

What Tantrum said - He is fucking with your head in a major way. Get rid

This man is likely to be dangerous in many ways that are only starting to be revealed. This is all HIS fault, not yours. Don't even try to understand how a deviant mind works - it'll do your head in. Which is what he intends to do just by his innate nature. Already you're considered his property because he felt entitled to do what he did.

The sooner you end this the better. Whose name is your home in? Call everything off as soon as you possibly can. There is no obligation to try and explain any of it to him. He's wrong-minded through and through. You don't try and persuade a cobra not to bite, do you? You leave it alone and get away intact.

Sorry - didn't see where you said it is your home. Get him out. Change the locks asap, even while he's at work. A swift, sudden and undeniable ending to this would be a good move, in my opinion. Forget being "reasonable". Be the full on YOU and see this madman off.

Would you consider contacting the police too? Illegal surveillance like this might warrant some help from them to clear your place of spyware and encourage his speedy departure?

OP this exact thing happened to me. My ex set up a webcam to film our open-plan flat for a whole weekend whilst he was away on a stag do.

I married him anyway.

Then I spent thousands divorcing him and almost lost my sanity.

I'll tell you now, not marrying him would not have been letting my family down. I felt like I'd let them down far worse putting them through watching their shattered daughter almost lose it all on a divorce I always could have foreseen but was too brow-beaten to prevent. I felt quite a lot like I'd let everybody down that day.

We women are brought up to try to "fix" relationships, to bend over backwards to understand our men. We blame ourselves far too readily. But this is not something that can be fixed. This behaviour goes way, way beyond normal. You are in a relationship with an abusive man. As SecondMrsAshwell puts it so well, you will end up like a punished pet trying to gain your master's approval.

It might help to register that, actually, you're lucky. He's shown his true colours before the wedding. Plenty of abusers don't take the mask off until you've married them. But you know now which means you can back away relatively easily. What's a dress and some inconvenience, embarrassment compared to a divorce? And possibly a refuge? Because the one thing you can be sure of is that men like this get worse.

I suggest you make one deliberately false allegation on this thread. If he's monitoring your online activity then saying something about him that would really upset him might lure him into revealing in anger that he knows stuff he should have no awareness of, iyswim.

He's a headfucking psycho - run like the wind OP...

I have a friend of a friend who's partner installed secret cameras which caught her masturbating alone in the house several times. He then uploaded these videos to porn sites and was probably getting off to them himself. He got done big time but for all anyone knows those videos are still out there...

This could be you. He is a shady bastard. Who knows his reasonings but it's definitely deliberate. What a lying prick. I'm so sorry for what you're going through though, it's awful. Cancel your wedding but save your wedding dress for the future when you meet a decent man who treats you like a queen...

OP you deserve to be free to meet the really good caring man you want.

It is very sad but, from what you say, you are in love with - and agreed to marry - a man who doesn't exist.

The man you are with seems to be acting a part. He isn't really the man you wanted to marry - he was just pretending to be him.

Your posts read like you are trying to make sense of this, but this is a senseless situation. You simply need to get out of it because all the analysing in the world won't make this make sense. Take action. Get yourself out of this relationship.

No need to worry about what everyone will think, the wedding plans, the family etc because it sounds like staying with him will be a major mistake that will be much harder to correct if you marry him. Talk to your family and tell them what's happening.

By the way someone in IT security would increase security by putting anti virus on your laptop, not a spy camera, so please don't let him convince you otherwise. I would also check your laptop etc for anything new plugged in because he could have installed a key logger or other stuff to spy on you. Check and uninstall any new programmes you son't recognise - you can google them to check what they are before uninstalling so you don't uninstall anything that you need. And get some anti virus - they will tell you if you have any dodgy software installed too.

My love, this is abusive bastard in the making.

they are ALL lovely in the beginning, to hook you, because they have to be. They have to pretend to be nice.

But this pretence is not normal, it is almost impossible for them to maintain it for more than say 2 years.

he is showing you who he is. he thinks with the wedding expense and everything that you have too much invested in marrying him.

He thinks that he's nearly there.

you think he's weird?, a pyscho, controlling now? this is nothing in comparison.

He is extremely dangerous and your very life is at risk love. Please see this?

He probably has a keystroke logger on your computer and can read all of this.

My ex husband spied on me using a keystroke logger. It's easier to do that installing a camera. Beware.

Get rid of him. He sounds like a prize prick.

Cancelling a wedding a few months before it's meant to happen is a total headfuck. It's embarrassing, and a logistical nightmare, you lose a bunch of money, and some of your friends get a bit sulky over petty things. You spend a long time grieving the loss of your relationship and wondering if you'll ever love again. I know because I've done it.
But it's not half as painful as sticking with someone who doesn't love, trust or respect you, who makes major changes to your home without consulting you, who lies, and gets defensive instead of trying to solve the problem. None of those traits are going to change just because you've got a wedding ring on your finger, if anything they'll get worse.

I called off my wedding nine years ago to a guy I was madly in love with, and it was the hardest and best thing I ever did. Now I'm married to a (different!) man who cherishes me, invests in health of our relationship, and treats me like his equal in all things.
Don't waste your life with this guy!

Also, ditto to the poster who said get the police involved. Installing spyware in someone's home without their permission is illegal. If you leave him and he makes it difficult, you want a record of his behaviour from the beginning.

"when we argue, he doesn't talk to me until i go and kiss him."
I feel a bit sick .

I totally agree with what everyone else is saying. All that stuff at the beginning of your relationship, the flowers - that was the act, designed to reel you in. This new guy who's mean to you - that's the real one.

Everything he told you is him projecting his own behaviours onto you. So when he doesn't trust you, it's because he knows he himself cannot be trusted; and he cannot believe that anyone else, including you, can be trusted - because he, the untrustworthy one, well, he's normal, right? (No, he isn't, but that's how he sees the world. Totally screwed up.)

"In the first year he wanted to spend all the time with me, always with me"
So if he was spending all his time with you - this would lead to you never having time to spend with other people, right? Friends? Family? How much have you been able to keep in contact with your friends and your family since you have been with him? It's a very usual tactic of abusive partners to isolate their victim from their friends and family. Makes them easier to control if they have nobody else to talk to, no 'sounding boards' to mention the abusive partner's behaviour to, to talk it through with. Make no mistake - your partner is abusive.

"so i tried to change, not to argue so often, to discuss more, not to be so needy"
And so become a shadow of your former self .

"i don't know what to say..if it's my fault"
NO! No, no and no! It is not your fault. Abusive people are con artists - they know how to mislead us normal people, and by the time we realise what we are up against, we are weakened by their insidious abuse. You are not at fault here, not in any way, any shape, any form. IT IS ALL HIM.

I know your heart is broken, the future you had mapped out for yourself has just been snatched away - but I'm afraid that future was never going to happen. All he would have given you is more of the same, meaner and meaner, until you were a broken empty shell.

Take the strength you still have and end this relationship. You sad 'in your own house' - legally, whose house? Owned or rented? His, yours, both? If yours and only yours, send him packing. Make sure you go over the house with a fine tooth comb, tech can be very small and I would expect to find more cameras. If shared, sell up/end lease. If his, move out ASAP.

I'm so sorry OP, but the best that can be said is that you found out before you married him.

OP better to lose money now than have a protracted divorce, potentially lose your home, pension and mind. My ex did all of the above and is now taking it out on our children.
As already mentioned, he's showed you who he is, please listen.
Pack his bags, change the locks and get your flat checked over. I would seriously consider reporting it to the police - it's very serious and potentially very dangerous.

OP, what made you suspect he was spying on you?

The picture you are painting - not just the spying (and God knows that's enough), but the need for space, the emotional withdrawal - screams CONTROLLING BASTARD. That kind of behaviour is completely consistent with the desire he had at the start to 'win you over' and to get into your head.

RUN!

OP this is not what a happy secure relationship looks like, it's not normal, this should be the happiest time in your relationship the 'honeymoon period' please do not marry this man, a marriage that begins with negativity and distrust cannot survive.

You may feel you would disappoint your family by cancelling the wedding, but how disappointed would they be if you divorce a year or two down the line.

Run fur hills while you still can.

Beware of keystroke logger, he may have all your logins & passwords, be reading every message you send and receive (may even be reading this thread)

MidnightHag - he searched on google on how to transform your webcam into a spycam..first he denied, i came with proofs and he said he didn't installed, then that the program was installed with another program, then that he installed to play on it and forgot about it (this was on Friday)..too many versions..who forgets so quickly that he installed and searched for it on google?

also the led of the webcam turned it on when i entered in the room..and this was the first step to all of this..