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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
newmumwithquestions · 02/03/2017 10:18

Please check your phone (if you have one) to see if he's turned location services on so he can see where you are, maybe take both your computer and phone to a shop to be checked and 'cleaned'.

This happened to a friend. He installed various things whilst they were still together. She didn't know. They split up. He stalked her. Scary stuff.

GreyStars · 02/03/2017 10:19

You don't forget that you have researched and then installed software onto your computer.

It might slip your mind, but when asked if innocent your memory would be jogged. I expect it is somehow motion sensitive and that is how it is turning on. Beyond creepy and I would put something over the cameras or anything in your house until you can get someone to check all the software has been removed (some will disable the light)

He is lying to you, it is disrespectful, it is creepy as fuck - get out.

blankmind · 02/03/2017 10:19

he works in security IT
Well either he's crap at his job, or this is just the tip of the iceberg as to what he's really installed and has up and running in your home.

Throw him out. All the signs are staring you in the face, make him leave, then replace all your IT items, who knows what he's put in any of your tech at home.

sadie9 · 02/03/2017 10:20

His response is another marker. He does something wrong, abuses someone in a situation, then when he's called on it, suddenly he's the 'victim' and then he tries to get control back of the situation by not speaking to you. And giving you the silent treatment. Don't Marry A Sulker.

They don't realise they are bullying people or treating them badly, then when the person stands up to them, suddenly it's 'Boo Hoo, I'm the victim here what about me, poor me, I'm treated so badly around here'. Then like I said, it's all about Control. So then the Silent Treatment is another form of control or revenge.

FurryLittleTwerp · 02/03/2017 10:20

He works in security IT

Glad you found out now!

You might have similar installed on your phone - no idea how you would check.

He needs dumping. Seriously, the trust has gone.

WattdeEll · 02/03/2017 10:22

OP you must be feeling very confused. It doesn't matter what his reasons are, a man who respects and loves you as an equal wouldn't do this. If it was a security tech thing he'd be telling you all about it.

Sometimes people find out very last minute that the person they are about to marry is not what they think. This is your life, your wellbeing is top priority here, please consider very carefully if you want a future with a man who would behave like this and tell lies. I know I wouldn't.

Original poster
user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 10:30

now i feel like i failed my family and everything with the wedding..he told me past month that i don't trust him, that he is confused about the wedding, that i am too needy and i need to leave him some space..i left him space, i tried to change because i love him...but now what? he is the one who doesn't trust me? he is the one who is controlling me? i didn't control him, i am asking him when i have doubts . even then, when i say my opinion when i don't like something, he begins to argue with me and says: this is me, if you want to accept me like this, ok. we've been talking a lot since he was confused about the wedding..and i thought he will be ok..we have 1 year and a half, he was different at the beginning, but now he has changed, he is mean with me, when we argue, he doesn't talk to me until i go and kiss him.

OP posts:
paddypants13 · 02/03/2017 10:30

Op, I'm so sorry for you.

Given his job he is quite clearly lying about forgetting to delete the software.

Move the computer into a cupboard (assuming it's a lap top) and take your phone to a phone shop to have it checked before you make any plans or speak to anyone else about this. (It will be interesting to see if he notices either of these things.)

I agree this is the start of his abuse, especially him sulking and making out it's your fault. Ltb.

LetsStartAtTheVeryBeginning · 02/03/2017 10:31

He is lying. Don't believe this last lie because it sounds the most plausible. It's still a lie. If it were the truth, he'd have told you that at the start, rather than denying it.

He denied it to give himself chance to think of, what he thought was a viable, explanation.

Don't marry him.

Hullygully · 02/03/2017 10:31

RUN WHILE YOU CAN

RUN LIKE THE WIND

MrsDustyBusty · 02/03/2017 10:31

You can't really think that you will fail your family if you don't marry someone who installs spying software to monitor you in your own home? Unless you've got one weird family.

unfortunateevents · 02/03/2017 10:33

You have not failed your family! I am sure they will be horrified to hear what he has been doing.

Holly3434 · 02/03/2017 10:35

You'll fail your family more if you do marry him, end up abused and divorced especially when they find out about this stuff and you actually knew before the wedding. It's your life not your families

hellsbellsmelons · 02/03/2017 10:37

Other hidden cameras can be all sorts of things.
Fire alarm, plug sockets, alarm clocks, pens, even glasses!
Anything new been bought or installed lately?

hellsbellsmelons · 02/03/2017 10:39

Projection!!!!
He doesn't trust you because he is basing his opinion on his own actions.
Has he been more secretive with his phone?
Honestly, it sounds horrible and he sounds horrible.

RUN
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

pompodd · 02/03/2017 10:40

OP, I'm a man and to be honest, with your latest post, he sounds like more of a dickhead than he did already.

I can imagine it will be hard to cancel the wedding, even though you obviously haven't done anything wrong. But this is not the sort of guy you (or anyone else!) should be marrying.

Good luck.

Holly3434 · 02/03/2017 10:40

I worked in care, this client family had installed a listening device into a lamp, and had a camera in what was a keyfob...not that there was any abuse and their right for peace of mind but still very sophisticated spying tools you'd never think were there

Original poster
user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 10:43

i don't understand why he cannot tell me the truth..he first denies, after tells me he installed with another program, and after he played on it to see how it works..but it's strange that he installed i spy on 24 and go to my pc on 28..and right after on 1st, the camera was live when i moved in the room..this is strange and i don't believe he searched for security system and to see how it works..i don't believe he installed other cameras on the house..maybe this was the beginning..when i finally thought i found the one, looks like the one is showing other face

OP posts:
Holly3434 · 02/03/2017 10:45

He's not telling the truth because there is more camera's around the place. Now he's having time to think of excuses in case you find them.

MsStricty · 02/03/2017 10:45

"he told me past month that i don't trust him, that he is confused about the wedding, that i am too needy and i need to leave him some space"

Ah. The perfect example of projection on your partner's part, OP.

Please don't marry him. Please leave him.

pompodd · 02/03/2017 10:47

OP, I think he's not telling you the truth because he's been caught out by you and he's trying to mess with your head and/or confuse you. Basically anything it takes to make the issue go away.

That's not a good sign; because it says that he isn't able to face up to his mistakes, be honest and apologise.

JennyOnAPlate · 02/03/2017 10:49

What are you using to post on Mumsnet op? I'd be worried that he is also tracking what you are doing online.

Don't marry him.

flapinko · 02/03/2017 10:51

OP you must be feeling very confused. It doesn't matter what his reasons are, a man who respects and loves you as an equal wouldn't do this.

^ THIS. Don't try and figure him out OP, just be thankful you found this before you got married. Please, please, please leave him now. He sounds like a really fucked-up, nasty piece of work. And as others have said, if he's like this BEFORE you get married, it is only going to get worse. So sorry OP.

HelenaGWells · 02/03/2017 10:56

i feel like i failed my family and everything with the wedding

You have done NOTHING wrong. HE has failed you. Just from 3 posts I can see that he has:

installed software to spy on you (Re the excuses: he works in IT security so either he knows how this stuff works or he is really terrible at his job. If it was home security he would surely talk to you about it. Also filming inside the house does fuck all for security, all you do is record the burglers onto the pc they steal 3 seconds later...)

Lied to your face several times, refusing to admit to anything until confronted with proof.

Tried to change you by telling you that you are too needy and aren't good enough.

Tried to gaslight you by telling you that you don't trust him.

These are not the actions of a good man. Please get out now. Just the spying alone is enough reason to leave and don't look back. Get rid of him and get someone you can trust to check your phone/pc and other tech. I would put money on there being some other form of tracking software on it. If you have an iphone check if find my phone is enabled (google will show you how to do this) as you can link phones together to track them.

ToffeeForEveryone · 02/03/2017 10:57

RUN.

AWAY.

NOW.

Normal people don't do this sort of thing. He's abusive. This will not change or get better.

Be glad you saw his true colours before getting married.