Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
weatherbomb · 02/03/2017 10:57

I made the mistake of going through with a marriage that I had reservations about cos I didn't want to disappoint people etc.

BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!!!

Still having abuse and harassment 6yrs AFTER divorcing him.
Pack his bags and get him out of there and get a professional to 'sweep' your home & PC for all devices/hidden cameras etc.

RUN, RUN, RUN!!!

Original poster
user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 10:58

i am so sad.. so many plans, bought my wedding dress and everything..and now what? he is confused about the wedding, i am too needy, he has no space, i am controlling..and i've changed and left him alone just because i love him..and now what? spying on me? this is the trust he asks for? i don't understand why he is denying, when he could tell me the truth and solve the problem..other stuff is that he always gives me the silent treatment after a fight and i told him to change it, but he keeps telling me that he cannot and he need to clear his mind and to think..

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 02/03/2017 11:01

He is the one who is at fault and is gaslighting you like crazy. 'Needs to clear his mind and think' of more ways to befuddle you.

PLEASE PACK UP HIS STUFF TODAY AND CHUCK HIM OUT.
PLEASE JUST DO IT.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2017 11:01

Oh come on, even without being filmed without consent, there isn't one reason why you should marry this horrible man.

MrsDustyBusty · 02/03/2017 11:02

I know this is hard to hear, but this can't be solved except by him doing a lot of work on himself, alone.

In the meantime, I'd get the likes of these people out:
www.bugsweepinguk.co.uk/

BertsBlanket · 02/03/2017 11:09

You're chasing your tails for something that doesn't exist - trust.

Trust cannot be magicked up once it has been blown. You can pretend it's there, but it isn't. Get out now.

A wedding dress and a few plans are sad and the future you thought you had is certainly worth shedding a few tears over. But they are nothing in the grand scheme of things. If you go ahead with it, then in 5 years time you will look back in horror at moment you could've got out with nothing but a dress a down payment on a party to sacrifice.

I had an ex who cloned my email account to spy on me. Note, EX.

Original poster
user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 11:13

i don't know why he is acting like that..he was very caring in the first year, he always brought me flowers, even at work and acted very nice with me..he wanted to move together, to spend all the time with me, he was the perfect, ideal one...and now..from some months, he is acting like i don't give him enough space, he needs sometimes to be his priority, he believes i am controlling him when i am asking something, that i always argue with him..so i tried to change, not to argue so often, to discuss more, not to be so needy..but it seems that when i have a problem, he begins yelling at me..and now with the webcam..he doesn't admit it for what he needed..i thought it was my fault at the beginning, that i have a stronger personality and that he needs to be the man in the house so i need to calm down..but now..when i see all these happening..i don't know what to say..if it's my fault

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 02/03/2017 11:16

No he is not acting! This is the real him! The first months with the flowers an caring was the act! But he can't keep that up for his whole life and now that he thinks he has you reeled in and bound to a wedding he has dropped the act.

PatriciaHolm · 02/03/2017 11:17

None of this is your fault.

none.

He doesn't trust you, and you will never change that, it's who he is.

AdoraBell · 02/03/2017 11:32

Exactly what unfortunate said. Exactly

blankmind · 02/03/2017 11:36

i thought it was my fault at the beginning, that i have a stronger personality and that he needs to be the man in the house so i need to calm down

NO !!!

Absolutely as loud as I can shout NO NO NO!!!

It's all him manipulating you (gaslighting) to make you doubt yourself.

Get him out of your life.

I do feel sorry for your imagined happy future now not coming to pass, but it was never going to be like you've thought. This is just the tip of the iceberg of you seeing the real person who has lied to you for so long.

The first few months with the caring and the flowers was only to lull you into a false sense of security. The moody, spying, lying actions are actually the real person you are with.

Tell him to go, Now. Things will get unbelievably worse if you decide to "try harder to please him" or anything else he's gaslighted and brainwashed you into thinking.

Take some time out yourself, look objectively at all the posts on your thread and read about other peoples' experiences of being treated the way he is treating you. Don't go down the wrong path of listening to him any longer, you have a huge chance here to get out without too much damage, take it with both hands and act now.

Tell him to leave, you know it's the right thing to do.

Original poster
user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 11:38

he is telling me that in the beginning was ok to put me at the top priority, but after some time, he needs sometimes to be top priority and he needs some space..i want to mention that in the first year he wanted to spend all the time with me, always with me..and now that he needs space, he is confused..he thought that i will be able myself to figure out that he needs space after the relationship goes in time..everything is so weird..and now the lies with the camera..i feel so sad and i don't know how everything turned out this way

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 02/03/2017 11:42

He wants out but wants it all to be your fault so he's looking for 'evidence' to prove why he isn't the bad guy for leaving.

I've had this happen to me. He was the one cheating.

If you marry this man it will only get worse.

TheTantrumCometh · 02/03/2017 11:48

He is fucking with your head in a major way. Get rid

HarmlessChap · 02/03/2017 11:54

It is quite feasible that there are multiple cameras around the house, please check carefully.

Network connected cameras are very small and cheap these days.

WatchingFromTheWings · 02/03/2017 11:57

It's great you own the home but you now need to protect yourself. You can kick him out now but once you're married, if you try to get him out at a later date, you can't. He'll own half the house.

A man got sent down very recently for spying on his wife like this. He'd hidden an iPhone in the engine with a tracking app on it. She only found it cause he forgot to put it on silent and someone phoned it. She had to have a mechanic pull bits apart to find it!

He's only owned up to the laptop as you noticed it....I'd be concerned there's more. You definately need to do a very good sweep of the house. I'd start with the bedroom.

WattdeEll · 02/03/2017 11:58

i am so sad.. so many plans, bought my wedding dress and everything..and now what?

Now you put yourself first, for the sake of your own mental and physical health. All these plans will be ruined anyway if you marry an abusive, liar. Sometimes we find ourselves not in the point in life we had hoped, imagined and dreamed about. Instead of feeling stressed and pursing the dream of being married or having a relationship with this guy look around you, see all the red flags and leave for a brighter future.

Roomba · 02/03/2017 11:59

My ex installed keylogger software on my PC so he could see everything I typed. That gave him access to my email, bank accounts, chat logs, internet history, everything. He'd then try to catch me out by asking me questions to see if I was truthful.

Please don't do what I did and accept ridiculous excuses. This relationship will not improve, especially after you get married. He is controlling, deceitful and manipulative (sulking, blaming things on you). He wants you to change into someone else, someone more compliant and meek. This is abuse, OP.

You need to ask him to move out. Now. Really! YOU haven't let anyone down, he has. Don't get married because you don't want to upset other people, that's crazy. Think what you would advise your best friend or daughter to do in this situation.

PoorYorick · 02/03/2017 11:59

we are getting married this summer

I fucking well hope not.

Don't let the fact you've got a booking and a dress force you to go through with it, OP. That's what Princess Diana did.

unfortunateevents · 02/03/2017 12:02

What are you using right now to post on MN? Very likely that he has installed something on your laptop or phone to monitor you as well. You need to get out of the flat and go somewhere where you can't be monitored. Turn your phone off and use an internet cafe (if such a thing still exists?) or perhaps the local library or a friends house. Otherwise hopefully you are posting from work.

Areasonablegal · 02/03/2017 12:02

Very odd. Not normal and not right to blame you op.

Its going to hurt but where will this end up if you stay? Really? - he spies on you and tells you that you are controlling....its all very significant emotional abuse. Please get away from him

DartmoorDoughnut · 02/03/2017 12:02

It's emotional abuse just run while you can before you're too entangled

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2017 12:07

Your relationship is well and truly over.

You were targeted by this individual and deliberately so. He wormed his way into your life over time by being so called "caring"; this is precisely how abusive men operate. He saw something within you he can and has exploited to his own ends.

This person needs to be gone from your life as of today and the wedding needs to be called off. He is also not above projecting his own behaviours onto you either. HE is too needy, he gives you no space and privacy, he is controlling. Controlling you like this is abuse and rooted in power and control. This person wants absolute control over you.

deadringer · 02/03/2017 12:09

He is a weirdo, get rid of him asap

BertsBlanket · 02/03/2017 12:09

It is confusing, but don't get sidetracked by that because it doesn't actually matter.

Regardless of the past, this is the reality NOW and you need to get out of it.