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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 02/03/2017 23:19

Don't use any equipment or any accounts - presumably this one is also compromised - and walk away. Deal through solicitor if anything has to be sorted. If you have to collect belongings later, assume your items will be bugged/tracked. There is nothing you shouldn't do to put distance between yourself and this sick individual.

user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 07:25

i came home late from work, didn't want to write from the computer at home..i didn't feel very well and i wanted to sleep..i will have the talk in the weekend 'cause when he got home, he asked if i feel ok and after he watched tv and i was sleeping. i am so confused with everything and i know that when i will try to tell him everything, it will be a big fight, he will yell again at me and will find reasons that the fault is mine..so i need courage to talk to him and i am waiting for tomorrow 'cause it's weekend

OP posts:
ChuckDaffodils · 03/03/2017 07:41

What is there to discuss? He is just going to gaslight and lie.

You need to kick him out and get a professional in to debug your house.

Anything else is just walking into a living nightmare. Even without the spying, he is abusive.

OliviaStabler · 03/03/2017 07:44

He wants out but wants it all to be your fault so he's looking for 'evidence' to prove why he isn't the bad guy for leaving.

This is exactly what I wanted to write.

Get out while you can!

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 07:46

I'm glad to hear that you are ok .

But I'm not sure what it is you want to talk to him about. Are you still hoping that you can get him to admit to you what he has done ? I thought you already knew that he's been spying on you.

What's the point of talking to him when you know he will shout and yell at you ?

If he has a key logger on your computer at home, he will know about this thread and what you are typing on it anyway, even if you post from the work PC.

And if he knows your password he can log in and post as you too.

Do you have any friends or colleagues you are close to, who you can confide in and will support you?

Giraffesaretootall · 03/03/2017 07:50

OP it is so rare that I join in the calls to ltb but in this case, you have so many problems and you are not even married. Imagine how those problems and his behaviour will escalate over the years.

Please think very carefully. You don't deserve to be treated like this in any way and it is extreme behaviour not something just slightly odd. Please don't sign yourself up to be married to this man.

user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 07:51

yes, i have colleagues and friends that are close to me, but they do not see the situation so bad as i do..i have to talk to him because there are some items bought together for my house and we need to share those..the talk is needed

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 07:54

You have told your friends /colleagues that he's spying on you but they don't think it's bad?

Monkeypuzzle32 · 03/03/2017 07:54

It's a blessing, he's shown you exactly who he is before you marry him.

GrumpyInsomniac · 03/03/2017 07:54

You can talk at a distance, by phone or email. Let him leave for work and get the locks changed, you can sort out the items you bought jointly later. It's far more important that you make yourself safe as quickly as you can, and that starts with denying him access to your home.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/03/2017 07:54

You don't have to talk, he doesn't have to agree, don't use household items as a reason for staying with this controlling creep. Give him the stuff if it makes you feel better, cut your losses, but get him out.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 03/03/2017 07:56

I agree with PPs - make the break, clean and swift, tell him it's over. You can sort the practical stuff later, but you need to not get sucked in by the messy stuff. You need to end it.

Good luck OP, you've had a very lucky escape. Fast forward a few months and you'll be glad you walked away from this creep Flowers

ChuckDaffodils · 03/03/2017 07:57

I'd let him take the computer stuff and keep the rest.

Kr1stina · 03/03/2017 07:59

So you are going to tell him that your relationship is over and he needs to move out of your home ?

Gazelda · 03/03/2017 08:02

What Chuckdaffodils said, absolutely.

Happyinthehills · 03/03/2017 08:04

Talking about the logistics of how he will leave OK.
Please don't get into how it's all ended up like this as he will only turn it round to look like your fault.

SparklyMagpie · 03/03/2017 08:09

I'd fuck the items and ditch the talk, not understanding why you need to talk.

Who's house is it?

MidnightHag · 03/03/2017 08:09

Good luck this weekend.
Flowers

SparklyMagpie · 03/03/2017 08:10

Oh sorry it appears it's your home?

Bag all his crap up and leave it outside.

I really hope you end this, nobody should put up with this

something2say · 03/03/2017 08:16

Hello love.

I'd add this to the already good advice you've had....

Be aware that, when you have the talk, he won't be agreeing with you. He will be the polar opposite, so you're going to need to stand your ground in the face of that.

Never ever disbelieve the thoughts an impressions of your own mind. You've had problems with him in the past and now they are getting worse. You know this, no matter what he says.

Are you wanting him to explain and make it right, or agree with you? Because these thing may not happen. It will more likely be you standing there saying this, that and the other, with him denying it.

So my advice really is to hold tight to what you know to be true and use the broken record technique, where you say the same thing over and over and then, when it's been said enough, I think leave the situation. He won't change and agre with you, and he will tell you are wrong, but you are not xxx

Love and strength to you xxx

user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 08:24

yes, it's my house, my car he is driving, he learnt how to drive on my car..i know i have defects too, i know i am impulsive, but i've tried to change because he told me that i am criticizing him a lot, that all the decisions i am taking them, that he has done what i wanted until some months ago and he wants to be his priority sometimes. but i changed the way i talk to him on a fight, the criticism and i am not that impulsive anymore as i wanted this to work. i know i have a lot to work on me, but then i thought i am the only one that made the relationship bad..but now i believe is not only my fault after he did all these stuff. he was confused about the wedding, he was confused about me because i criticized him a lot, because he was thinking that i was controlling him..but where is the control from my side? if i ask him something that i have doubts about, it means control? if i say something that i don't like about him or about the relationship, it means you have to yell at me or explain me?

OP posts:
user1488448211 · 03/03/2017 08:27

when i say something i don't like, he always tells me: why didn't you ask me? why you ever need to believe your thoughts? you should said like that (like the way he wants to) and i will reply to you nicely. i cannot change his mind in order to put the questions as he wants me to do

OP posts:
WizzardHat · 03/03/2017 08:34

He's trying to train you to doubt everything, even the way you think. And blame you for his behaviour. Seriously, there's nothing left to talk about: there's no excuse for his spying. He crossed the line. Kick him out so fast he bounces, and worry about any joint property later - taking into account the bill from the professions debugging companies upthread.

tipsytrifle · 03/03/2017 09:00

This man controls everything about you. Your home environment, your car. Which means he is well on the way to controlling you physically because he is literally monitoring your every move.

He is owning and controlling what happens in your own mind. Telling you how to think and feel, how you should speak to him. It seems to me, as an outsider, that you have lost you. Does he control finances too? You are pretty much his prisoner, OP.

There's no point in talking about possessions when you haven't committed to ending this horrific relationship. You're right to say you cannot change his mind. He is changing yours though, right down to what and how you think, how you process what you see with your own eyes.

None of this is your fault. This man is way worse than I initially recognised - and, believe me, he started off at disgusting psycho level in my estimation. I hope that you do intend, with the last of your independent breath, to end this. "The talk" is unnecessary. In fact, since all communication is under his control it seems a nonsense to "go there".

What disturbs me is that you are sounding very compliant about all this. I don't believe that you are impulsive or critical. This is your true inner voice trying to stop his abuse. I hope that his brainwashing - which seems almost complete - doesn't strip you entirely of the power to speak normally and naturally. But that point is very close. You are being used, exploited and controlled, OP. It is not your fault but it is your battle if you can find the strength to save yourself.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/03/2017 09:07

Very well put tipsy
OP - read and re-read the previous post!
Don't lose yourself.
Get out there and find someone who wants and loves you for who you are!