found my partner spying on me

[user1488448211]

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

@pudding21 oh :( i am sorry, i was for one year and a half and my heart and my soul are both broken, i can imagine how you feel. but we will survive and we will be strong because we need better people near us, to understand us and love the way we are. keep your head up, we both need to be strong.

Definitely block his number. You need to put him behind you and move forward. He has already proven how awful he is over and over again.

Get a good time lined up, if you can. That always helps to get over these fuckers. Take evening classes, enrol in swimming, dances are good. Weekend hill walking, whatever turns you on, get out and do it.

Get out OP.

This 'dream' is going to be a nightmare. This man is controlling.

yes, i told her that at the beginning he acted very nice, kind and patient and with a lot of love even after a month, he told he loves me and everything.

Hot and passionate romance in the beginning of relationship is more of a rule than exception when it comes to abusive men. That quote is from this: psychologia.co/signs-of-abusive-relationship/
Here is another article:
www.huffingtonpost.com/pamela-jacobs/early-warning-signs-of-an_b_6009076.html

That sort of rushing things is a classic sign of an abuser type; so is the web-cam. The psychologist cannot be a good one, as he/she must know very little, not to have spotted this about your partner but to have blamed you instead!.

Some people are attracted to psychology to have power over vulnerable people (see Alice Miller's books - I am not making that up) so you have to be careful.

That is typical - first be nasty, then be nice. It hooks a person into a kind of addiction. Gambling machines work that way too - sometimes money comes out, more often it doesn't but the person becomes addicted.
The answer is to ignore him completely.

Where is that psychologist from? How did you find the psychologist? Is he/she from an accredited organisation? Are you in the UK? He/she does not sound right. Is he/she affiliated to a religious group?

Lady you need to switch off your phone .... and stay AWAY from the 'alleged' psychologist .... you need to focus on only You... stop going around in circles trying to understand the behaviour of someone else... you will never find an answer .... and empty your mind... imagine a blank sheet of paper and feel its clear blank empty appearance... and try to relax .... you Will be ok x

thanks everyone for your advice. yesterday went home after work and tried to relax listening to music and tried to have a drink, maybe i can sleep sooner, but it had the other effect and i was crying and wanting to yell to get out all the feelings inside. i lost my dream to get married, have a baby, i lost my identity and confidence in myself, lost everything that i believed in, such as marriage and marriage for me it means a big step and responsibility to the end of the life, when it's difficult and when it's good.

My love, this is the beginning of your life... trust me.

If you believe nothing else, know that this is the beginning, not the end

*Hissy
*
👏

@Hissy yes this is the beginning, but is a hard beginning..i thought i will be stronger, but it seems to me that i am becoming weaker instead. weaker with my self-esteem and my confidence, weaker for having so many thoughts, weaker thinking that my behavior made him confusing..it seems so difficult to get over this, over everything that happened. maybe i sound silly and i know there are bigger issues in the world than a man who left his partner before the wedding, but i just can't handle this

Yes you can.

Lovey, you're in pretty much the worst place at the moment. You're still missing the nice things about him, but not yet found the benefit of your post-ex life. You're probably not even riding on adrenalin anymore. That can bring anybidy down, and that's why you're talking crazy talk. You are NOT weak! You're just feeling weak at the moment.

But hang in there, focus on you, treat yourself well, and you will feel stronger and stronger.

But, a moment for some tough love: are you sick of feeling weak? Well then DO something about it! Strength will come faster the more you cut out the bad things in your life: block the ex, fire the bad therapist, even go NC with your parents. (IIRC they had a warped idea of what makes up a good relationship).

Feed the good wolf.

I have no idea what a good wolf is, but it's an intriguing metaphor...

You may have to ride a rollercoaster of emotions for a bit. It'll help. In a bit, you'll see that you had a lucky escape. Marriage to him would've been hell. You really would've lost your identity then.

How long were you together? Give yourself the same length of time and then see how strong you feel!

Preemptive's right about doing things to help yourself. Start rediscovering what your identity is in yourself - not connected to somebody else, just things you like about you.

OP - you seriously need to cut him out of your life. Block his phone, remove from networking sites, stop worrying about why he is doing this or that - it is no longer important to you what he does.

Your Psychologist - did you find him in your religious group? Is this someone who has a vested interest in you and H staying together?

I can tell you that NO qualified Psychologist in UK would EVER apportion blame to one party or the other, even in the most obvious cases! They ask questions and listen, so you come to your own conclusions; it is better for your MH to come to your own decisions-

YOU know that this man recorded you (illegally) - how did that make you feel? Do you think a good man would do this?
Do you think you are bossy/rigid? Why? Would a man think that if it was him (being 'bossy/assertive)?
Do you think it is a good thing to let a person in this way? Would a good person ?

Let him go. Concentrate on you and what you want.

Oh 'feed the Good Wolf' is great! It's from the idea that we have both a Good wolf (a 'good conscience', our self-esteem, the bit of us with our best interests at heart) and a Bad Wolf inside us (one who is self-destructive, lowers our self esteem (eats it) and is generally the bit of ourselves which we use to beat ourselves up).

Feed the good wolf, so it can thrive and keep the Bad wolf down/weak.

I've been here a long time. 6 years ago I was you.

I was left agoraphobic by the experiences I suffered, i STILL struggle when stressed and even recently I've had a tough couple of weeks fighting back because I've been forced out of a comfort zone I created.

When he finally left, I was a shadow of the strong successful and energetic woman I was when I met him. Mumsnet was there for me to help pick up the pieces, and we've come a long way since.

Let us be here for you, your journey back to you is just beginning. Yes you have lots to process, and we can't short cut this process, you have to take every step of the journey to make the discoveries you need.

But you are so very far from being alone.

the first days after the ex left I felt literally like the most stupid human being to have ever walked this earth. It passes. trust me

You will find you and you will recover and I'm guessing you are not as I was, in my 40's, you have your life ahead of you.

Give thanks to all you hold dear that you did not have kids with this bloke.

NOTHING hurts as much as knowing you gave the people you love more than anything in the whole world, the shittiest dad ever. You never forgive yourself for that.

You have no reason to keep this awful excuse for skin in your life, that is the biggest blessing ever.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way but you are doing the right thing. This marriage would have been a nightmare, not your dream. Thank goodness it is not going ahead.

Everyday try to do something a little bit of something special for yourself.

That psychologist should be struck off. I feel he has caused a lot of damage to your confidence in yourself.

my mum called me today like 5 times until now, every time remembering how stupid it was him to leave me before the wedding, how i should not think anymore at him. i told her to leave me alone, i just cant handle anymore her calls remembering him, how it was and everything. i know how it was and he did to me, no need to remember on every call. it upsets me more :(

THis sounds so difficult for you right now. Do you have anyone other than your mother to support you?

Does your mum realise he is abusive and controlling and you have been very, very lucky too escape this marriage?

i don't know if she realizes, but keeps telling me how bad he was, that he left me before marriage, that i need to stop thinking on him cause he was a jerk..but she keeps telling me all these every time she calls, i just cant handle, i know everything, but it sets my soul in 2 every time i hear what he did to me :(

Good idea to ask her not to call for a bit. You need help looking forward, not getting bad!

I do not think she understands, as she thinks he is bad for not going ahead with the marriage, but it is very, very good the marriage is no longer going ahead.

Charlotte is right. You need to look forward to the future and forget this man.

Could you see some nice friends who understand, and maybe go out for a meal with them and say you want to plan some nice things for the future?

Ooh! Here's something lovely that will make you feel good: redecorate. Doesn't have to be much, repaint a wall maybe or some throw pillows or new sheets. Take a lovely long time shopping for them: have a lovely wander and let your mind do the same. What kind of new furnishings do you want? You, the wonderful clever woman who's shedding toxic jerks from your lovely life.

I've been meaning to ask again for several pages now: did you ever get a full electronic sweep done of your house? Or your computer?

no, i couldn't do the full electronic sweep of the house, but if there is any camera, that should be off after a week, because nothing least so much time. regarding the computer, i haven't open it, i just go home, eat, listen to music on the TV and sleep..i am not in the mood to do anything. and now weekend is coming and all i want is sleep to forget my thoughts..

be kind to yourself x