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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 14:15

well done x

Hissy · 30/03/2017 14:33

OP, if he comes back, call the police my love.

block him, delete him from your life.

Can you also get the computer wiped and checked, if he's leaving it?

He is vile, a nasty bully and someone who the police WILL act to remove from your home.

never let him back into your home or your life. he is extremely dangerous

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 14:39

he will come back after his baggage. but i desperately want to get the baggage and leave me. i don't want to talk to him ever in my life. i hope he will let me alone with the money things

Hissy · 30/03/2017 16:02

Put the baggage outside the house and lock the door

Hissy · 30/03/2017 16:03

He has NO grounds for getting any money from you. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I think you need to contact the police tho, get them to see the computer.

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 16:12

how do i make him stop asking for money? i believe he will insist on this..he hasn't arrived at home until now..i don't know what is he doing so much, i want him out tonight

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 16:15

i am so sleepy, i want to sleep and finish with this torture..i haven't slept yesterday night and i want him out and to leave me alone..i haven't used my home computer, i will re-install it again..i am using my work computer, he doesn't have any access to this one

HecateAntaia · 30/03/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 30/03/2017 16:28

My dear, do you have any support in this country? Any friends/family?

Firstly you can't make people stop doing things, but the police and the law can give them consequences.

Put his stuff outside the house at a certain time and lock the door. Change the locks. If you can have someone keep you company, please get them to stay with you for a bit?

If you call the non emergency police on 101 and tell them what you have told us, they may be able to send someone to be with you for the hand over, but if you can get his stuff bagged up and out of the house, asking a friend to hbd the stuff over would be the best way forward.

If he comes and causes trouble, if you are afraid of him and he's threatening you or making you scared, call the police on 999.

With regard to money, I would suggest you go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and ask them about your situation

They will tell you that he has no right to anything, that he has no right to bug or spy on you and that you have a right to peace and quiet.

Itscurtainsforyou · 30/03/2017 16:31

OP I know it's hard but you have to take control of this situation.

Put his bags outside. Lock the door so he can't get in (leave the key in your side) and arrange for the locks to be changed asap.

Do not respond to his calls/texts/emails. Block his number or divert messages into a folder (named "wanker" or similar) so you don't have to see them.

Ignore any attempts to try to get money off you. Tell him you'll see him in court or similar. I'm pretty sure he'd not have a leg to stand on even if he had the nerve to try.

I don't know if you have shared finances, but if you have a joint account make sure the bank knows your situation (close it if you can - but you may need his permission, check).

Basically cut all ties with him. And let your friends know why (show them this thread) so he doesn't trying to worm his way in with them.

This is the start of your new life without him Flowers

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/03/2017 17:03

I agree with the previous posters.

Put his bags outside, lock and bolt the doors.

If he rings the bell - ignore him.

Block him from your phone and social media. Don't answer the landline (if you have one) and delete all messages from him.

Change the locks as soon as possible.

user1490862086 · 31/03/2017 07:03

so he left, he didn't say anything about the money, he said all these you can keep it as a gift and left with everything that were him..i need to be strong to get over this, i really need this

user1490862086 · 31/03/2017 11:40

i am devastated for what it's happening in my life right now..i feel depressed and alone..also guilty as everybody told me once he is the perfect man..and now he showed his real face..at the beginning, he told me that he will remain the same, he will bring flowers and gifts and everything because he loves me..but now he changed because of my behavior, that i have criticized him a lot and argue with him about what i didn't like and that's why he turned to be different now..i feel guilty somehow, maybe i was the one who ruined everything..i don't know, i am so confused..the house is empty, memories here.. :(

RamGoatLiver · 31/03/2017 11:57

Save the gushing romance stuff for Mills and Boon books.

You've had a lucky escape.

Penfold007 · 31/03/2017 11:59

OP find your anger and take control. Pick up the phone now and take him off the car insurance (if you haven't already). Change the the locks on the doors. This wasn't your fault and he certainly isn't perfect- he's an abuser.

tipsytrifle · 31/03/2017 12:14

It's time to pick yourself up off the floor and stop being a victim. You were a victim of a ruthless cruel abusive man, no matter what people said about him being perfect. Now you are in danger of becoming your own oppressor. Can you not see that he had to go? That he was not at all perfect? I don't know if it was "the dream" that blinded you to his dreadful ways or your own total lack of boundaries that was only nudged when he set up surveillance on you.

He "graciously" re-gifted the money he had already gifted, by way of an investment in his own (as he saw it) home. He did that because he knew he had no right to its return and to make you feel small again. Which was a nasty and highly successful move on his part.

I am, quite frankly, amazed he has actually left. In a weird way I'm grateful to him for realising that he had gone as far as he could by way of trying to control you. It was becoming too embarrassing for him to stay. He would have had to get even nastier to maintain his hold on you and ultimately that would probably have bored and frustrated him too much to bear. So he chose to go. He never loved you, OP. You were a financial and lifestyle investment that failed for him.

I say all this because this isn't a house that's "empty" - it's YOUR HOME. It shelters YOUR stuff of life. Something you haven't acknowledged once in this thread. He has used and dominated you non-stop for the entire misery of this journey.

You found a spark to post here and that is what you should be listening to. Not this tortured voice of submissive, self-blaming wretchedness. You haven't liked and responded in RL to much of the advice or opinion on here which is entirely your choice (which is ok) but somewhere in yourself that spark-of-you has been kept alive enough for you not to beg him to stay and ruin the rest of your life.

I said before and will say again, LISTEN to that voice, the one that's trying to tell you that this is YOUR life and YOU should be living it in love and harmony; this applies whether single or in a relationship. And yes, even when facing a huge challenge.

You don't acknowledge that somehow, in your own way, you have fought for YOUR life.

Your biggest obstacle now is your controlled and subservient self. I think you might need some professional help to deal with that. Otherwise you'll find yourself working harder to be what another man tells you to be and lose your life again.

Please start owning your life, your home, your car (please tell us that he didn't take/"borrow" that). Your independence is precious and needs to be guarded - by YOU.

user1490862086 · 31/03/2017 12:30

@tipsytrifle thank you so much for the words. it helped me to read them and repeat them again and again. i haven't borrow him the car, he left with his brother's car. tomorrow i am going to see a psychologist and i am beginning my new life. i have that spark, is there, but i am full of bad words from him and full of guilty and everything he has put on my shoulders. he left with everything he had, i hope there is nothing else left just to call or something because i don't want to talk to him ever in my life. i am hurt, humiliated and i strongly believe there was another woman on this..maybe at work or something, because he totally changed and i don't know..maybe a woman, maybe he didn't know what he wants in life, maybe a lot of things..one thing is for sure..he didn't love me..2 months ago when he said he was confused, i begged him to stay and work, i told him that i will make some changes on my behavior and he was like, i don't believe you will change. he never wanted to fight together in this, as a team, to stay near me, to hold me and encourage me to win this together. he let me down just because i didn't act as he wanted to or implement the changes asap. so that is the conclusion, he didn't love me enough to accept me the way i am, so i had the ultimatum..change or break up

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/03/2017 12:46

@user1490862086 - congratulations - you have taken the first big step towards a bright new future.

Right now, you are going through the grieving process, and that is perfectly natural and normal. You had hopes and dreams of a life with a man who would love and cherish you, and those dreams have died (he has killed them) - and you need to go through the process of grieving for those lost hopes and dreams.

But you also need to tell yourself that this will not last forever. It is a process and you will get through it - and you will come out the other side stronger.

On other threads like these, I have seen the the Freedom Programme recommended to survivors of domestic abuse - there is an online course you can do. I don't have any first hand experience of it, but other people recommend it highly.

No-one deserves to be treated the way he treated you - and no decent man would treat the woman in his life the way you were treated. That is not just my opinion - it is a fact. You deserve to have a wonderful life with a wonderful man who will love you just as you are. Please keep telling yourself that.

tipsytrifle · 31/03/2017 12:46

I'm so happy that I didn't offend you with my words above!

Of course this is a new journey for you now. Of course his words will echo and echo in your mind. This is why you need help to overlay his voice with your own. So, a heartfelt well done to you for getting an appointment to gear you up for this next, better, phase of life. I'm very proud of you for doing that Flowers

Will you stay in touch here so that we can keep helping you to shut that man out of your mind? When your own voice is strong enough you won't hear his at all. If an occasional echo slips through, you'll be able to dismiss it like a really bad, un-funny joke. This will all take time. It's a process. Embark on it with joy and positivity. It may be hard work for awhile but it will get easier. Make new friends too! Congratulations on your new life, OP!

KindDogsTail · 31/03/2017 12:49

Did you know User that it is a typical trait of narcissists and psychopaths to be extremely charming and full of passion; and that they often push things along very fast at the start of a relationship, making everything seem perfect and romantic?

Please do not blame yourself. Please get some help for yourself so you won't doubt yourself.

Well done for realising in time.

KindDogsTail · 31/03/2017 12:49

I meant be charming and full of passion at the start.

user1490862086 · 31/03/2017 13:02

@kindDogsTail yes, i read a lot about this kind..and I believe he was in this category maybe..it seems to me a bad dream everything that happened. trying to eat now to survive, to recover as I have lost about 5 kg in the last 2 months because of stress and I am also skinny by nature. it's hard..
@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius i will stay in touch here, you all people helped me a lot with your words, you were absolutely great to me and supportive

user1490862086 · 31/03/2017 13:04

it's seems weird to me that he hasn't changed his profile picture on fb and still has the picture with us..on the other side, i strongly believe that he met another woman at work and that's why he acted like this..

tipsytrifle · 31/03/2017 13:19

He has acted like this - losing interest in controlling you - because you fought back. Please take credit where credit is due.

None of this was your fault or failing. Keep your dreams and hopes, for sure, but don't attach them to a wrong person. He is a wrong person.

He will, more than likely, zone in on another naive soul and try to exploit her as he did you. His fb page may soon display how terrible life has been for him, how you tried to control him, how he is the victim. Try to let this slide over and beyond you. It's his lie of a life. Because you know what? HE truly is the loser, the dependant one who needs and needs and needs. Don't fret about his fb garbage. Try not to waste a lovely afternoon looking for new hurt when he updates.

Your journey now. Leave him to his. He was never compatible with you, whether or not there is anyone else.

user1490862086 · 03/04/2017 09:52

i was to the psychologist and she told me that somehow i am guilty that i am too direct and i didn't let him to get out of the confusing phase..she told me that people are different and i should understand that maybe he needed more time to think in order to get out of the confusing phase. i waited 2 months for him to get out of this confusing phase and he didn't. i humiliated myself by asking him not to leave 3 times..and i couldn't handle anymore this confusion..