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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 30/03/2017 11:28

He is now using money to make you beg to have him back.

He has tried threatening to leave but it didn't work.
He got his mum to call you it didn't work.
He was nice it didn't work.
Now it's money.
He will then cry and say he cannot live without you.

He is being very very predictable.

Did he leave the spyware on the pc? Has he text you confirming the spyware? I would call the police and report him for the spyware.

What exactly his he saying about the money? What is he asking for? What invoices does he have?

43percentburnt · 30/03/2017 11:30

Taking the pillows was to make you beg and cry for his return.
Him calling off the wedding was t make you behave and do exactly what he says so you don't lose your dream.

He's a fucking arsehole. Has he sent any abusive texts? Save them. Do not engage. As pp said just because he paid for them doesn't mean they were not gifts. Money is the only thing he feels he has over you, his other tricks have failed.

Stay strong.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/03/2017 11:32

@ElspethFlashman is right - don't let him bully you into giving him money - I doubt any court would give his claims a moment of their time.

Let him pack and when he leaves, change the locks - it is very easy to buy a new lock barrel (rather than a whole new lock) and change it yourself - there are videos on YouTube.

I'd say that the engagement ring and a few pillows are a small price to pay, to get him out of your house. In fact, giving him back the ring may be a good thing - it will make him think you really don't want him and his abusive and controlling behaviour any more - whereas trying to hold onto the ring will make him think you still have an emotional attachment to HIM, and he will use that to worm his way back in.

Remember one thing - you are trying to see the situation and see this man through the eyes of a decent person - but he is not a decent person.

I am married to a decent man. He has never spied on me. Never made me feel I couldn't be myself. Never made me feel he didn't trust me. Never tried to control me.

You deserve to be married to a decent man - and not this excuse for a human being. Look at yourself, and see that you have value, you have worth - you deserve the best. Then look at this man, and ask yourself if HE is the best there is. You know he is not the best there is - so hold out for better.

BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 11:37

your exhausting yourself...

you do not need to know why he keeps apologising... because you already know.. as a result of his creepy highly inappropriate appalling behaviour ... he has lost everything...

Be polite to his Mum but your just going round in ridiculous circles...

End this and close the door x

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 11:39

he has invoices for the air conditioning, for the wedding dress, he want money back for all of these..i don't have this money, i didn't canceled myself the wedding, he canceled everything..and what he wants now from me? i want him to leave from my house and leave me alone..i am already with my head down full of bullshit, i don't have money to give him for what HE wanted to do..he wanted to borrow my car to get his stuff out of the house, but i didn't want to borrow it and from here the idea with the money

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 11:42

i just can't imagine how the life was going to be near him..if we had a baby and after a divorce, he would have take the house too? oh god, it seems so rude to me to do all of this stuff with the money that he wanted once to invest..i didn't obligate him to do anything

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 11:42

i cannot change, this is me and this was my behavior then..i don;t understand why it took so long for him to make a decision and leave..or why he proposed if he didn't like my behavior

KindDogsTail · 30/03/2017 11:50

Forget the marriage, end the relationship.

user1476185294 · 30/03/2017 11:52

Did he contribute towards bills/mortgage? How long did he live in your house?

He wont get anything, even through court, from you for the wedding purchases. It sounds like you will both of lost money there.

Block and ignore all contact, don't lend him your car and avoid him.

ElspethFlashman · 30/03/2017 11:56

Stop catastrophising.

Text him to take you to court if he thinks he can win a case against you. Let him throw his money at a solicitor. I doubt he will though. It's only about intimidation. As long as he has you scared, he's delighted. So put your big girl knickers on and take back the upper hand.

Get a hold of yourself and stop panicking.

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 11:59

yes i am panicked as i don't have money to give him for what he wants. i read the law and says that the gifts during engagement must go to the person that made the gifts (not included here regular gifts)..so he can do this to me in court

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 12:00

he lived for an year..on the same day he moved in and now he is moving. we had money together after we received the salaries..his was much bigger than mine..

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 12:02

i can't believe i am living this trauma..he was supposed to be my husband in 3 months..omg, i realize i don't know anything about this man and his character

WeeMadArthur · 30/03/2017 12:08

If he bought the wedding dress then then give him the dress back, not the money for it.

PsychedelicSheep · 30/03/2017 12:25

Give him back the ring, I have no idea why would you even want it anyway? But don't give him anything else. Maybe see a solicitor if you can get a free 30 min consultation?

Quartz2208 · 30/03/2017 12:33

Call his bluff. He is controlling and dominating you because he thinks he can. Give him the ring and the (what does he want with them) and tell him if he wants to take you to court

Did he pay rent when he lived with you or anything like that

Its not you, it is HIM. Its not your fault its HIS. You have had a lucky escape

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 12:38

we had money together after we took salaries..so both of us took money from the other salary, but he has a higher salary that mine

tipsytrifle · 30/03/2017 12:54

It's time for you to find your own voice in all this madness, OP. Currently your head is full of his. Your posts are full of his.

Tell him you'll offset the cost of the air conditioning against the rent he should have been paying you for a year. Get figures worked out and invoice him. Include energy costs, wear and tear on furniture/appliances/services rendered such as cooking and laundry. Don't forget council tax. A solicitor would actually be quite happy to draw up this kind of inventory for you to present him with.

If you're finally ready to let him go and don't want to do any of this (you need a Voice to do it) then give him the ring and his dress and tell him to get on with court proceedings for anything else. You still need a voice, but maybe a quieter one, for that. He's bullying you and stealing.

There is nothing to be gained from constantly strangling yourself in his abuse. It really is time to end this torture for yourself. He's programmed you into such passive acceptance that somewhere in this mess he's in the Right. He's not. Very not.

So, are you ready to let him go?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/03/2017 12:55

Be a cracked record, @user1490862086 - just keep on saying "I don't owe you anything. Please leave MY house and leave me alone".

Giving him back the engagement ring will send a powerful signal that you really DO want him out of your life.

Look at how he is behaving now. His behaviour is showing you his true character - a nasty, vicious, controlling bully. See him for who he truly is.

You are mourning the relationship and future you thought you had with this man - your hopes and dreams - and you have every right to do so. But you also need to accept, once and for all, that this man, the reality of this man, is NOT the man of your hopes and dreams, and he never will be.

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 13:06

he took the engagement ring and went to the shop to sell it. i am ready to put this over. what it's really pissing me off is the money he wants. the wedding dress was only paid half and he is asking back for this half. why he wanted to buy this dress if he was confused? am i guilty for buying the dress? he didn't say at that point that he is confused. also because of sharing money and because of his higher salary, now he thinks he bought everything in the house.

SecondMrsAshwell · 30/03/2017 13:19

As others said, give him the dress. Let him sell it.

I'm guessing that as he paid for air conditioning, you are not in Britain (heating, yes, air conditioning you'll need on 3 days a year, no), so the law may be slightly different where you are. So go see a solicitor yourself to see what he/she makes of this demand for money. Then when he throws another demand at you, you can say "my solicitor says....."

But FlowersFlowersFlowers and CakeCake to you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/03/2017 13:20

He is messing with your mind. He WANTS you to be losing your mind trying to work out why he is saying and doing the things he is. It is another control tactic - whilst you are trying to work out why he is doing these things, you won't have the head-space to look clearly at him and see what a sad and nasty excuse for a human being he really is.

Take back that control. Stop trying to find reasons why he is doing these things - the only reason he is doing them is to upset you. Recognise that, and try to stop finding rationales for why he is not behaving like a normal, decent human being.

See him clearly for who he is. Stop asking yourself why he is this way.

Use your mental energy to stiffen your resolve to be rid of him.

SuddenRealisation · 30/03/2017 13:31

Google gaslighting. Google narcissistic personality.
The more you let him talk, the more bullshit he will throw at you.
Kick him out, change the locks and call the police if he bothers you.

tipsytrifle · 30/03/2017 13:49

Is he out selling the ring now? When he has sold it, will he be returning to your home? You might consider telling him not to return, ever.

All this stuff, no matter how you choose to play it, can be done from a distance and through third parties (eg: van and driver to collect x y or z items)

Forget his confusion. It's his. YOUR confusion is more worrying. I think you're drowning in his presence.

You don't have to give him any money. You don't have to fret and worry about giving him any money! You owe him NOTHING!

user1490862086 · 30/03/2017 14:11

yes, he is out selling the ring..the baggage is done, waiting for him to come and pick up and leave the house. tomorrow i will change the key door..i hope he is not coming again asking for money