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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found my partner spying on me

403 replies

user1488448211 · 02/03/2017 09:55

hello. we are getting married this summer and found that my fiance has installed a spy program on his computer to check on me at home. basically, the spy program is video recording. he first denied he installed, i searched with him on his computer and showed him that he searched for it on google, he denied again that he searched. finally, he told me that: aaaa i remember, i forgot, i have installed only to see how works as a home security program. i know he is lying because the camera went live at the moment i arrived at home and this is strange. now, he is the one upset for this and not talking to me. what should i do?

OP posts:
user1490862086 · 03/04/2017 09:53

it seems that i am guilty that i didn't give him the opportunity to get out of the confusing phase..but these 2 months? i am a human too and i can't tolerate indifference too much..

MamaHanji · 03/04/2017 12:38

Your psychologist is a dick. You are not guilty!

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 03/04/2017 12:58

I agree the psychologist is a dick! One person's take on the situation, especially when it is likely some of the things you told her were his words that he's convinced you were true, isn't necessarily the right one!

user1490862086 · 03/04/2017 13:30

yes, i told her that at the beginning he acted very nice, kind and patient and with a lot of love even after a month, he told he loves me and everything..and that he changed so much..and she told me that maybe i was the one who changed him with my criticism because i am too direct..that people are different and maybe he needed time to get out of the confusion phase..told her about the spy cam and she didn't react to this..she told me that i am too rigid and trenchant and i want things to happen when i want to, but this is not possible

Hissy · 03/04/2017 13:37

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE sack the psychologist?

she is DANGEROUSLY stupid.

He BUGGED you! He spied on you, with cameras etc.

MamaHanji · 03/04/2017 13:40

Her telling you that you are too rigid is bollocks. As a parent of a toddler and a baby, I have learned that if I do not have expectations, I am not disappointed.

He is an adult, it is completely different! You have every right to be rigid in his treatment of you. There is no compromise in bad treatment. Please never see that psychologist again and listen to the wise words of mumsnet...you have done nothing wrong! You are my guilty. I would feel physically sick if my partner spied on me.

This makes me so sad op. I just want to bake you a cake and bring you hot chocolate. How can that professional say such drivel to you.

Please go and do something for you. Book a weekend away alone. Go to a complete spa weekend. Do something that is going to help you realise your value. You need to look after you and stop blaming yourself for his bullshit.

This is 'boys will be boys' in adult form. I will never use that phrase for my sons! They will be accountable for their actions! You were not too rigid and caused him to violate your basic privacy! He is accountable for his actions!!

user1490862086 · 03/04/2017 14:06

@MamaHanji i am so upset in my heart, my soul, everything..he believes i am the one that has criticized him a lot and that's why he acted this way, that my behavior made him confuse..i never cheated on him, i swear, i didn't even talk to man because i didn't want any problem at home, i have not lied him with anything..i am so upset after the psychologist told me all of these: that i should have been more understanding with him after everything..that i should have told him to postpone the wedding for the moment, but not to leave from my house..that i didn't think from his perspective, just from mine, that is 'i want things to happen when i want to'..

CharlotteCollins · 03/04/2017 14:56

Try to accept that you will never understand him. Every time you try, you tie your brain up in knots! He is not a nice person. He believes things about women that decent men don't.

You've got him out of your house. Now comes the more difficult task: getting him out of your thoughts.

By which I mean, not just stopping thinking about him, but working out which of your thoughts are truly your own, and which you just believe because he has told you how to think for so long.

user1490862086 · 03/04/2017 15:03

@CharlotteCollins i really need to stop thinking about him..he didn't change anything on facebook, but when he left he told me that this is the best decision he is making, leaving me. told me that i have criticized him so much that he cannot stand near me anymore and that's why his behavior is now this and that's why he changed. everything because of me..and when i am hearing the psychologist why i didn't gave him more time to think because people are different or why i didn't postpone the wedding instead of breaking up..it gives me more guilt..i need to delete all these questions and words he told me..and now the psychologist..where i thought that will help me to recover and make me understand that was not ok to put a spy cam..but she didn't say anything about this..only said to me that i need to be more patient, that things don't come as i want to, that he is different and i should have wait to see where this is going on

SaneAsABoxOfFrogs · 03/04/2017 15:06

Of course he's criticising you - that's far easier than accepting he's a controlling wanker. In time he'll repeat his behaviour with another woman, with either the same outcome or else she'll become more and more compliant to keep him happy. The fault is HIS, NOT YOURS.

tipsytrifle · 03/04/2017 17:57

Suddenly realised, when I couldn't pick out your posts any more as they aren't highlighted now, that you've changed username, OP. Your psychologist is a fake.

Stormtreader · 03/04/2017 18:01

What the HELL, you need to ditch your "psychologist" right away, sounds like they think wives should keep their little mouths shut and get on with the hoovering!

CharlotteCollins · 03/04/2017 18:15

It's such a shame the psych wasn't any good. I had a great counsellor who just listened and asked questions, never gave advice. I found it odd but it was just what I needed (and was never listened to at the time).

Anyway, that's maybe not helpful! I was thinking, maybe you could get a notebook and write down all your thoughts and feelings about him and your past. That way you can start to separate it from your present. You can allow yourself time to write in there, but at other times, tell yourself: that's not my thoughts, that's a left-over one from him and I'm not giving it head space. Eg if you catch yourself thinking I'm too confident - change it - consciously think: that's how I am and I like that about me.

MusicIsMedicine · 03/04/2017 18:17

This man is pathologically dangerous and a control freak.

Run away as fast as you can.

whitehandledkitchenknife · 03/04/2017 19:14

Was the person an HCPC registered psychologist user? Or a psychotherapist? Or a counsellor/therapist of some other persuasion? Whoever and whatever she purports to be, she is wrong, wrong,wrong.

Don't be afraid to get rid of her or to challenge any future one. This person should be guiding you to feel better and stronger in yourself. She sounds awful.

You are not wrong in your thinking. Be proud of your strength and the resilience that you are building up. It will take time because you have been rocked badly, but hold on to your inner strength and don't let anyone try and tell you that you were not kind enough/patient enough/calm enough etc etc......whatever negative thoughts come up for you. They don't apply.

BigGrannyPants · 03/04/2017 21:29

He has ended it with you because he knew you were about to end it with him. He is trying to control you still, tell him to leave now, bit more motivation to find a place to live. Don't believe what he's telling you. It's designed to control and belittle you

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/04/2017 22:36

Was this a psychologist he recommended to you? The completely ignoring the spy cam issue would make me suspect.

You know, know, with metaphysical certitude that his treatment of you is wrong. You do not need a dissertation on why accepted by him for you to leave the relationship. Picking all of this apart is just unnecessary. You are not going to be a doormat. End of.

Stop caring what he thinks. I know this is hard because we are brought up to be mannerly and to "care", but really some people wear it out.

To stop ruminating: Change the channel. Let that film strip puddle onto the floor and set it on fire so it will be an unusable molten glob that you can throw away with the dog poop.

Iflyaway · 03/04/2017 22:50

what should i do?

Run the fuck as far as you can get away!

So sorry you are going through this.

SingingSilver · 03/04/2017 23:04

i was to the psychologist and she told me that somehow i am guilty that i am too direct and i didn't let him to get out of the confusing phase..

Your psychologist is a cunt. Some of them are. Don't give her any more of your money.

And I understand this thread may be a useful place for you to vent, but I hope you are not wasting too much time in real life going round in these circles. That man was not going to make you happy. Give yourself a weekend to do all your wallowing, then draw a line under it and move on. Focus on new things - even if you start by painting a wall in your home.

Atenco · 03/04/2017 23:57

I've just read the entire thread and am so glad you got rid of that piece of shit. But now you have fallen into the hands of the worst type of psychologist, OP.

It has already been mentioned, but maybe you could try the Freedom Programme. They say it is better to go to the group meetings and there seems to always be one near you.

You have very, very low self esteem at the moment, but tipsytrifle was dead on when she said you should be proud of yourself for getting rid of that horrible man. There is a spark in you that you need to nurture.

user1490862086 · 05/04/2017 09:53

@Atenco now he is sending messages if i am ok, if i eat in the morning and good night messages..what he wants from me now? to make me confuse as him? this seems not to stop, he sending caring messages after he left. he also told me that he feels like a dog because I said him to leave my house..I said that and I will say it again because I stayed 2 months in his confusion and trying to understand him and to behave the way he wanted to. he feels like a dog..and how am i supposed to feel? like a princess left before the wedding? omg, i can't believe

Noodles4Me · 05/04/2017 10:49

Just block his number. How many times do you need to be advised of this? What else do you want people to say?

Be brave, delete and block.

MamaHanji · 05/04/2017 10:50

He is playing mind games with you. Ignore the messages! Just don't reply and delete them from your phone.

Nothing he has to say is worth hearing and will only confuse you more.

You may feel so unsure and confused and worthless now. But you're strong. Strong enough that you left him. That is why he is now trying to be caring. To make you question it you misjudged his behaviour previously.

Stay strong. Find a new, proper therapist, not the bullshit spouter you saw before. Be good to yourself

X

Lunde · 05/04/2017 11:05

He is playing games with you and trying to make you doubt yourself. Block his number and do not respond to texts, calls or other messages.

Find a new therapist - this one does not sound good

pudding21 · 05/04/2017 11:07

OP: I left my EA abusive relationship 8 weeks ago and I am still wearing my ring and we are still on facebook as engaged.

Don't read anything into that. I am not ready for the massive fall out when people find out, so i have left it for now. But we living apart and I have no intention of going back (we were together 21 years so its hard to change that).

You are doing great, stick to your guns.