H stepped the f*ckery up to another level this weekend.

[PinkGlitter17]

My god. I have a H who's financially and emotionally abusive, and 2 DCs (8 & 2.5). I was posting last week about his behaviour and got tons of LTB responses, which I agree with, and then on Sunday he stepped it up. I'm still in shock and keep having to remind myself that it really happened.

not a good start to a post, is it?

I was setting out with DD to go to an art workshop that morning, and had left the kitchen in a mess, dishes and cake-baking gear piled up on the side, all ready to do them when i returned 2 hrs later. H comes into kitchen with DS, sees pots, asks incredulously whether it was all stuff that needed washing. I said yes, and that I would do it when I got back.

And he said NO! I was not to go anywhere until the kitchen was clean, "the way it should be left". i fought my corner and said he couldn't stop me from going out, and was he forbidding me?! He just kept saying no, I wasn't going anywhere. I carried on putting my shoes on, could see DD looking scared, DS (2) just watching.

H then went into our bedroom, ranting at me about a) a job he had decided i must apply for but "hadn't been arsed to get" and had been pathetic about, and b) taking the kids to my parents' for 2.5 days over Xmas, when he was working 1 of those days and had kicked up endless shit about me doing it when he had said he really didn't want me to. He said if I went to the art class, that was it, we were done, and he would leave. i stood in the hallway like a rabbit in the headlights, watching him and listening to him rant, thinking this was a crucial moment and that I was being totally watched by DD and shouldn't let H dictate to me like that, or deny me "permission" to go out. Rock and a hard place.

DD came to me, I went back in the kitchen, and H shut the door and held it so I couldn't open it. I shouted at him - "stop barricading me in the kitchen" - and after a few moments we got out. By the way, DS had been on his side of the door, so saw Daddy's behaviour {sad}

DD & I went in living room, sat on sofa, ignored H - he came in and loomed over us, glaring. i told him not to do that in front of DD. He said that cuddling DD wasn't getting the kitchen cleaned.

After a while, I went into the kitchen and DD followed me, bless her, and said she was going to help . We did all the fucking dishes and cleaned up, then were due to our cakes to a bake-off, so we got ready to go - and then found that H had buggered off in the car.

So I took DD and DS to where we were going, thinking that maybe H really had left. I got through the afternoon despite H's bullshit, and went to a women's meeting at the pub too, where everyone had brought their kids so the children all played while we chatted.

When we got home, I didn't know what to expect. H had cooked tea so we all had that. Long story short, after 1.5 days of (mutual) silence, H is speaking to me again, pretty much as if nothing happened. I've been reading about the cycle of charm-anger-explosion-calm that abusers use.

I've also been looking at benefits entitlements, spousal maintenance, child mainteneance, divorce settlements, and a house that's for rent in our village.

So sick of this shit.

Pink that's brilliant! It's like fate helping you

PinkGlitter17 thank you for your kind words , that could be you too in the future.
See this money , windfall , as a sign , fate, it has come just at the right time.
Use it to your advantage .

I think he was subtly trying to prove to you that you couldn't manage without him "oh, btw, pay the rent" knowing full well that you need a bit more notice (and other stuff!). He's hoping you're thinking "oh, obviously I can't do it" and you'll climb back in the box.

But you won't, because you know even more full well that when you get away from him, not only will have to give you a decent amount of money in child maintenance, plus half the house, you'll be able to plan and do your life yourself, exactly how you want to.

I don't know what financial agreements you have with him but that definitely sounds like a weird power-play move - you paying the rent is you obeying him and him maintaining the dominance in your relationship.

I suspect when you leave he'll really struggle, though also doubt he's the type to let you know that. You'll most likely just see anger.

Do remember that there are women's charities set up to help exactly these situations. I dont want to go into my own situation but in my 20s I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and sought help through my GP (it took a while to realise I wasn't depressed, I was the victim of abuse).

That led me to a local charity who financially supported me with the basics to be able to leave him. I wasn't a parent at the time, so I'm sure if I could get the help there would be options for you. X

OP, how did you discover the money from your mother? Did he ask for rent after you found out?

Any progress with your housing ?

Hmm - I'm thinking (as other posters are) that he's monitoring you op - maybe your on/phone/tablet, so he know what's going on.

Please be very careful.

Hi, there's no progress yet with housing. Still looking every day.

When he asked if I could pay the rent, he was asking whether I could, rather than saying I needed to, just to clarify. I said no and he started on again saying that he pays for everything. I just ignored him.

Saw a solicitor last Fri. She said he hadn't been to see her, or she wouldn't have seen me (conflict of interest).

I'm staying logged out of sites and boards when I'm not on them. He doesn't know my passwords or my phone's unlock code. Is there some way I can find out whether he's monitoring?

Loveofdog- he knows nothing of the fund, but him asking me to pay rent did happen after I found out about it, yes. I found out about it when I was at my parents' and H was at home.

Loveofdog- he knows nothing of the fund, but him asking me to pay rent did happen after I found out about it, yes. I found out about it when I was at my parents' and H was at home.

Have you ever heard of a key logger? It's something that captures every keystroke you make on a device then sends a record of them to another computer. It can be a 'hard' device plugged into the back of the CPU or it can be malware launched from an attachment. The person on the 'receiving end' then knows every word you've typed, every site you've searched, although the information has to be 'decoded' from a file. We actually had them installed on our work computers for security reasons, but we knew they were there. They aren't hard to install, but they can be hard to detect. Deleting your browsing history or 'private browsing' doesn't help as a key logger records the actual keys you hit, it's not a record of sites you've visited. Only you know if he's savvy enough or devious enough to do this.

My BFF suspects that her 'd'H may have installed one on their shared computer (but their relationship is a whole new thread) so she only uses her phone when getting support or for things she doesn't want him to know about. And she never opens any attachments that she may see if she looks at her 'regular' email on her phone. She also set up a new password protected email account that she only accesses from her phone. You may want to consider this. She occasionally sends a 'questionable' email from her 'regular' email or looks a a website he'd 'disapprove' of on their shared computer and sure enough, a few days later he'll ask her something or say something (he thinks he's being all stealth, but he's not smart enough) that shows that he's still keeping track.

You also have to consider the possibility that he does have your passwords. So you need to change those now, all of them, if you haven't already. Especially if you tend to use one or two passwords for all your internet 'stuff'.

As far as the rent/account thing, I'd say once is a coincidence. But if he continues to ask you to pay for things or seems to be 'probing' about money then it would seem likely that he's found out about the account somehow.

he's probably wondering where you're getting the money to fund your move - considering he's made sure to keep you penniless.

he could have a key logger too as above pp said.

Either way, he will try every trick in the book to ferret out information from you/others.

Would that account show up on a credit report?

Just wondering if he's applied for your credit file or already has it?
I wouldn't put it past a dickhead like him to do that.