Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 05/03/2017 17:36

daisy thank you for sharing that story about the change. I know exactly what you mean. I've been asking him where he's put things, and telling him who has sent what card or message.:(

OP posts:
Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 05/03/2017 17:39

Secret thank you for thinking of us. I think with the jingles it's that they signify (to me) the coming of spring, and therefore the moving forward of time and life going on regardless. Don't want it to move on.

OP posts:
SecretWitch · 05/03/2017 20:33

Oh Juan, Indeed! I had to remember that moving forward did not mean forgetting. (But it still seemed disloyal in someway..)

daisychain01 · 05/03/2017 20:44

On a practical level, do you have access to all your DHs documentation.

My DH was self-employed and I thank God he kept organised records due to regular tax returns etc because my head was in such a spin I initially didn't know where to start, but then found all his files with everything in month and year order which was a relief.

Just something to bear in mind (as you mention asking him where things are). x

Namechanger2015 · 05/03/2017 21:03

Sending you love and good wishes. I don't have experience of this but I am thinking of you. X

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 05/03/2017 21:07

I do, yes daisy, thank you. I've been in touch with the solicitors where our wills are lodged, and will make an appointment to see them this week. I have a couple of friends who have offered to come with me because I know I will probably just dissolve and not remember a word.

The day dh died (God, how surreal it is writing those words) he was meant to be meeting up with some old work colleagues, one of who is on the board of pension trustees so I believe whoever needs notifying there has been. I've not heard anything yet though.

I want to go and see the ITU doc again. I don't have anything else/new to ask him, I just want to keep the connection going, and I want to feel his calming influence again :(

OP posts:
magimedi · 05/03/2017 22:09

Go see him again - am sure he will be OK with that.

You are in my thoughts so many times a day.

(((xxx)))

2017SoFarSoGood · 05/03/2017 22:10

Juan your words are such a testimony to the man he was, the life you've shared. I can hear your love and pain screaming through every syllable. 💔

Have not had your loss but watching oldest and dearest friend's dh try to be without her is so awful, terrifying, amazing and inspiring. He is doing things. New things, old things, with friends and alone. He will be okay. She will be pleased (so very pissed off that she is not here) but pleased nonetheless.

I am watching and thinking: I can do that. I don't want to have to, but if necessary I could. I'm so very sorry you have to do it now.

🌸🌼🌺

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 06/03/2017 03:35

Can't sleep :( Have set the alarm for 5.20 anyway so I can be awake to mark the first week of his passing. Can't decide whether to bother trying to sleep or whether to give up and go and get some tea.

OP posts:
Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 06/03/2017 03:41

2017 Sorry for the loss of your friend. Her Dh sounds as if he's doing a sterling job. I don't think any of us can predict how we'll behave in a crisis. I'm not a particularly strong person - he was though - and it's the thought of what he would've wanted that's got me this far. That and the dc.

When I say "this far" - I haven't quite made it to a week yet. Plenty of time to crash and burn. Watch this space ...

OP posts:
lrb1982 · 06/03/2017 04:56

I've just been reading this and I wanted to send you my condolences. You write so movingly about your husband. He must have been a truly amazing man. My thoughts are with you xx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 06/03/2017 06:24

Thank you lrb

Didn't want to take tablets last night so didn't manage any more sleep. Went downstairs and re read some of the cards and messages, while watching the clock so I could be aware of the moment he died last week. There seems to be a bit of confusion over the exact moment - the nurse in the itu said is was 5.30ish, the doc we saw in the week said that it said 5.40 on their system. I feel that no one can pinpoint it exactly, and while that shouldn't matter, it does for some reason.

So many beautiful words people had written in their cards - I hadn't taken them all in. A couple that resonated on re-reading just now were "I always thought he was indestructible. And he was". And "when he was alive he was a prince among men, now that he's dead he's a king" :(

Re reading this thread has been helpful too. Thank you to all you caring The Mumsnetters Flowers

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 06/03/2017 07:32

Hugs Juan
🌹🌹🌹

OhYouBadBadKitten · 06/03/2017 07:34

oh sweetie.

I don't know what to say this morning, but even when I can't think of anything to say, I am still reading and listening.

bookbook · 06/03/2017 07:35

Just up and reading. There aren't words , but sending thoughts and prayers to you - x

daisychain01 · 06/03/2017 07:39

What amazing tributes, Juan!! How wonderful Flowers I know it will feel unreal, when people write those things, it is terribly painful for you. I am not surprised you didn't sleep, your whole being is fighting against this situation.

Try to take it moment by moment, but most of all take care of yourself.

JaneJeffer · 06/03/2017 09:35

Thinking about you this morning Juan. You're doing so well and being so strong. A memorial service sounds lovely and your DH was obviously widely loved so I'm sure there will be plenty of memories to share. Take care Flowers

DramaAlpaca · 06/03/2017 09:48

I'm also thinking of you this morning Flowers

SecretWitch · 06/03/2017 16:17

Hi honey, you are in my thoughts today 💐

daisychain01 · 06/03/2017 19:58

Hi Juan. I'm not sure if this MN webcast might be helpful to you. There is a bereavement specialist lined up this Thurs at 1pm.

I have asked HQ to confirm if it covers all bereavement, not just DC, but wanted to send you the link in case any info here is useful

Bereavement Support webinar

magimedi · 06/03/2017 22:25

Still here, watching & reading your thread at least 2 x a day.

Will be here for as long as you want .

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

(((xxx)))

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 06/03/2017 22:38

Evening lovely The Mumsnetters. Thank you once again for your thoughts and words. And thanks for that info daisy, will try to catch that.

Been to solicitors today and undertakers : ( Sitting in there talking about what to dress M in, and discussing all the other practicalities was horrible. He still hasn't been allowed to leave the hospital - some formality over docs' signatures. I hate to think of him still there.

What do any of you think about viewing him in the Chapel of Rest? I think I want to ...I'm also considering having him home the night before the funeral - he loved being at home with us so much, and he never realised when he left in the ambulance that last Sunday that he wouldn't be home again. I'll obviously discuss with the children but does anyone have any opinions/wise words? Not thinking terribly straight at the minute.

One thing I found out that I thought was a brilliant idea was that you can have some of the ashes incorporated into a tattoo. I don't have any tattoos but am definitely going to get this done. The three big children want it too. The little one is obviously too young for now but I'll save some. I feel that it is a lovely way to keep him close and with me at all times. I'd been struggling to think of a place to put the ashes - he always would say he didn't care where he was as long as we were with him - so there didn't seem to be a particularly significant spot to him. Now I can carry him around with me!

OP posts:
building2017 · 06/03/2017 22:41

Juan, that is an amazing Idea. You can also have ashes made into jewellery.

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 06/03/2017 22:52

It is, isn't it?! I feel really comforted that I can have him with me anywhere and everywhere. Of course, I'd prefer him in a slightly different form but there you go ...

I cut a lock of his hair in the itu so I'm going to see if I can get that incorporated into a ring somehow.

OP posts:
magimedi · 06/03/2017 22:53

I would go to the chapel of rest & see him - because it's, so sadly, your last chance and if you don't you might regret it for a long time.

I went to see my Mum a week after she died & it was alright. It didn't feel like her but I am still so very glad I did it - it would have left a great hole if I hadn't.

I think having him home might be a bit too much for your children - we are so removed from death & the thought of lying in at home these days - but that is just my view.............

My love, lovey Pesky. (((xxx)))