My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

Oh Juan I am so glad you have wonderful friends to be with you. Laughing and crying together is lovely and if it helps you for just a short time in a day its great.

Your children sound amazing their dad will be so proud.

Obviously your oh was well loved by many people.

Glad you got help from your Gp it may be short term but you need your sleep to help you cope with what's going on and whats to come.

The house must feel empty without him I can't imagine how hard it is but you need to just let the feelings come when they come. Feel sad feel angry feel lost feel bereft it's all natural and only you know how you can deal with it all.

One minute at a time that's all you need to do.
Take care of you too you can't run on empty.

That sounds like a lovely evening with your friends.

Glad you went to the GP and she's given you something to help with the sleeping. Are you managing to eat a bit?

So so lovely to hear about your evening. Glad you got some rest.

Just reading your posts, I'm overwhelmed

Juan you are amazingly strong. The ukulele story made me smile & your DC are so brave to want to speak at the funeral. Glad you are getting some sleep

Glad to hear you got some sleep.
Lovely stories of your DH will be in your mind and heart, and keep him there for you., and thats why he will never truly be gone .

Prawn, Ihavenoidea, Rubbish, fourquenelles (oh - M liked Kate Bush too - he used to say I looked like her, poor deluded man), daisy and Somerville, please can I ask what may be painful questions? I know that loads of you lovely people I haven't mentioned above have suffered losses no less awful than mine, but I think I have remembered right that the folks in my list actually lost dh's .Apologies if I upset anyone.

Can you tell me what the most painful bits of the first 2 weeks were, and what best helped? I'm absolutely dreading all the "firsts", and I'm hurtling towards 5.40 on Monday morning which will be the first week since he died. I feel resentful of each minute/hour/day that passes as they're taking me forward and away from M. I want to go backwards towards him. Everything I've had to go through over the past 26 years he's been by my side to pull me through it. I need him here now to help me get through losing him :(

Juan, I am thinking of you a lot and hoping you are getting through each day.
At the moment it is too painful for me to read your thread in detail (my DH I'd terminally ill) but I want to send you all of my very best wishes.

🌹🌺🌹🌺🌹

Juan, the first week after DH died was a complete blur because he had died of an aneurysm when I was at work. It was one of those things that you read about but never think it can possibly happen to you. So the sheer disbelief was what gripped me and for months, i kept waking up hoping it was just a bad dream. That feeling has not left me 10 years down the line. I say that only because that became a source of comfort over time. The fear I had was that I would gradually lose the love I had for him. It has not. It has taken on a different quality as time has gone by, but I think of him every day, with great affection, sometimes it's quite subconscious and subtle.

The worst thing for me was the physical gap left by his loss. The big bed, even the gap in our drive where he would park his car. So I decided to fill the gap which helped me at a very practical every day level. I changed to sleeping on his side of the bed, suddenly the gap wasn't there any more. After I sold his car, I started parking my car in his space. It felt positive and empowering.

If you can, over time, make some specific changes when you feel the time is right for you, it could help. I think the reason it helped me was that keeping everything exactly the same was too painful because it kept reminding me of what I had lost. I'm sure you'll figure stuff out for yourself, at the pace you feel you can cope with.

The key thing at the moment is to focus your energy getting through the funeral. You will feel very different afterwards believe me. I'm not saying better, just different. It was very helpful to me and very comforting that the service was brimming with people. I'm sure your DHs service will be an amazing celebration of a life well led.

I have no answer to your last question, sadly. But you will get through it because you have to. KBO (keep buggering on) is all the advice I can give you & it comes with much love.

So pleased you have seen your GP & are getting some sleep.

And I have met you & you are far more lovely than Kate Bush... way more beautiful.

You are in my thoughts so often every day & we will be here for you for as long as you want.

(((xxx)))

chasingsquirrels
((((hugs))))

Chasingsquirrels - sending love to you too.

daisycahin's advice sounds good - so sorry you are in the same place.

I'm so glad you have strong support in real life. Your DC sound utterly amazing, as does M. I am so very sorry you have lost him and that you are having to deal with this.

I can't offer anything on how to deal with your loss, please just know that I'm here for you as a friend on t'internet.

Much love to you, and to Chasingsquirrels as well, who I know is also going through an incredibly difficult time.

to you both.

Oh chasingsquirrels what a hard horrible stressful time for you. I have found this thread to be very comorting - perhaps you will too. The only posts to avoid would probably be mine . Feel free to post on here whenever you'd like.

Those are wise words daisy. I have already been sleeping on his side of the bed, wearing the last t shirt he wore to bed, using his pillows etc. Think I might sell both our cars as I don't like mine but dh's would be to painful to keep. Ah, don't know, early days yet.

Magi, you do know that you're not allowed to say nice things to your greatest rival for Pot? But actually I could give you a special dispensation for a couple of months to be nice - so fire away!

Thanks again folks of The mumsnet.

Juan - I would definitely hold off on making any firm decisions about what to do, what to keep, what to change for a bit. At least until things have "settled down" a bit, iyswim.

Also don't let anyone pressure you into making changes that you're not comfortable with - when my Mum died, Dad's friends all seemed to think that he should move out of the big 5 bed house they'd lived in their entire married life and get something smaller and more manageable. Now this would work for some people, but not for Dad - he would have felt like he was obliterating his whole life with mum by doing that. Other people find it too painful to stay in the same home where all the memories are, so everyone reacts in their own way, and the important bit to remember is that YOUR way is right for YOU.

So let the dust settle for a bit (literally as well as figuratively if you like!) before you start to make life changes - feel your way. xx

OK - a couple of months of niceness but it's gloves off by the French Open

And thumb's advice is very wise. Don't rush into anything.

Sending love today Juan. X

Thanks Juan and others (I really don't want to derail this thread in my direction, I've got my own to vent on).
I hope you slept last night and have the strength to get through today.
💐💐💐💐💐

Oh Juan, that feeling of loathing every minute as it took me farther away from DH1 came flooding back when I read your most recent posts.

In all honesty the first few weeks I was in shock, and handling myself much less well than it sounds like you are. I couldn't really speak, from the agony, and I was a total, crumbling mess. Thankfully my wonderful parents moved me and my DC in with them for a few weeks, and looked after us all.

When I pulled myself together enough to return home, YY to everything reminding me of him, and making little changes. I avoided our bedroom altogether - DC and I all slept together in spare bedroom for months.

The loneliness hit pretty fast, and I learned which friends I could send an SOS text to once my DC were asleep. Having someone come and cry with me helped so much. And books - all my oldest favourites - kept me going in between.
I couldn't do TV, because everytime the next episode of something that DH liked came on it was awful. And music that reminds me of him is still difficult.

Another emotion that hit after the initial shock - and it sounds so stupid - was embarrassment that everyone was talking about me. Mixed with anger that they were mentioning DH only in context of his death - not the life he lead or who he was. After a few months the DC and I planned a memorial event to celebrate his life, and especially as I had been in a fog during the funeral, this massively helped us.

I remember on the day we moved back home, thinking, well this is it now. The love of my life has gone, and mine will never be the same. There's nothing for it but to dedicate my life to my DC, and try to be both dad and mum to them. That felt so overwhelming - DH1 and I were together from university and I didn't know if I could be an adult on my own - let alone parent on my own. But I found that I could. And then I realised, gradually, and with the help of a great grief counsellor, that I was wrong anyway and devoting my life to them forever wouldn't be good for any of us. And that death had stolen enough from me - I wanted to work out how to live life to the full again.

I hope that's answered your question a bit. Sorry I can't offer more suggestions for the very early weeks.

Thinking of you Squirrels - please don't worry about derailing.

Thumb* - thank you for those words. I have a friend who tragically lost her 21yr old son 17 months ago, and I have been telling her the very same thing about not rushing into big decisions/changes. She has now decided she wants to move as she finds it hard being in the house where her boy died. Right now I can't entertain the thought of leaving this house where we have spent nearly 20 happy years, but the time may come when I have no choice. It's big and expensive to run but it's our home.

Somerville I'm sorry if I brought back pain for you, but I appreciate so much your words. It's helpful to hear that others have climbed back to a happy place. I'm not really holding it together in person - although I'm trying my best in front of the dc. I'm spending about 90 per cent of my time in tears and the rest of the time trying to sleep. The image of you moving back into your house on your own with your little ones is so vivid - I can almost feel the heartache :( I haven't avoided our bedroom but, strangely, it's the one room in the house that provokes me into wailing out loud. Every time I go in there I ask him out loud where he is.

It's also interesting what you say about holding a memorial service since you don't remember much about the funeral. I'm wondering if I've made a mistake now because I've planned a service of thanksgiving after the crem, where I intend to ask anyone who would like to to share stories and memories of M.

And thank you for sharing your feelings of embarrassment and anger. Anger I'm anticipating but I hadn't really considered embarrassment. My biggest emotion at the minute is denial and utter sadness.

Thank you again for revisiting those horrible dark days and sharing.

Juan, I have just read about the loss of your dh. My heart goes out to you. You speak with so much love about him. What a gift to have been with someone you treasured. Sending thoughts of peace to you today.xx

Oh Secret, thank you. I feel so lucky to have had him

Do you know what's really upsetting me today (well, everything is but ...) Ice cream van jingles. They're making me so so sad. Why? Aren't they a happy sound?

Juan, i have to admit I did talk out loud to DH a lot in the early days, so please don't worry you're going loopy, I went round the bend yeaaaaars ago

I remember I needed some spare change and lo and behold I found a whole handful of £1 and 50p coins in DHs fleece which was still hanging up by the front door. Guess what, I couldn't somehow just take it. Isn't that so strange So I called up the stairs, as if he was still up there "just taking some spare change from your pocket, darling!" And then it felt OK.

You too will look back at similar stories of your own like this, on the one hand remembering the pain, but also thinking how far you will have come by then, and how that eternal love will sustain you because it was - and is -so real. X

I hope you have a good nights sleep if possible.

Juan, I'm wondering if the jingles are melancholy as they remind you of happier days? When my dad died I remember bursting into tears at an intersection when a radio station played a very old, very niche Christmas song. Memories of him in times past just came flooding over.

I will be thinking about you today..