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Original poster

Why does he now not want to marry me after 9 years?

147 replies

Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 18:55

I've been with my DP for nine years and we've always talked about marriage, it's just never happened. I feel really led on.
All his mates are married/engaged but he seems to still be hanging on to his youth and in denial.
I'm 33 now and desperate to start a family and get things moving.
I've tried bringing it up with him repeatedly but keep getting fobbed off. Last Xmas he said that it would happen by the end of the year, the same this Christmas..he just doesn't get it. I feel so heartbroken
He's said things like 'we should get really fit and healthy first' which I feel is a dog at my weight (I'm size 12) and then he's said we don't have the money. Recently he's blamed it on my anxiety but doesn't seem to realise that I'm anxious because I have no idea where my life is headed.
What do I do?

OP posts:
22esmeweatherwax · 23/02/2017 18:59

I had this. DH and I were together for 10 years before we married at age 31. He just didn't get how important it was to me because at that stage it wasn't important to him. I had to get to the point where I was prepared to end the relationship because of his lack of commitment and the. It seemed to be a lightbulb moment. He realised what he had to lose I think and we have been happily married for 16 years and have 2 DC.
I think he just needed to grow up a bit and realise that he was a proper adult and that I was not being unreasonable in my wish for future plans and marriage.

RaeSkywalker · 23/02/2017 19:00

I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk that he can't get out of. Deal with his delaying tactics- you don't want to get really fit, you like him as he is, etc.

The fact that this is making you anxious is awful. Please try to take back control. Start thinking about how you'll respond if you don't get the answer you want- it sounds to me like he is fobbing you off. Don't let him continue with this- your mental health is too important.

ohfourfoxache · 23/02/2017 19:01

I'm so sorry but he's stringing you along.

You have got 2 options

  • stay with him and accept that you're unlikely to get married
  • leave

If you've talked to him already then he knows how you feel and is just ignoring how upset it makes you.

FWIW I waited 7 years and was at the point of leaving. I had mentally given him until Christmas and he asked in the August. It's absolutely shit waiting around and I do wonder, if I'd told him I was walking away earlier, whether it would have sped things up and saved a lot of heartache

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 23/02/2017 19:03

I think the advice to sit down and talk is right.

But before you do that, do your thinking. Are you ready to end the relationship if it is not leading to marriage?

Whisky2014 · 23/02/2017 19:04

I think its common and women thenleave their partners and it fices their partner a shock and gets them in to gear.
Either they win you back and you do get married or you dont waste any more time on a guy that doesnt think youre worth it.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 23/02/2017 19:05

I would think about moving on if I were you. I wouldn't want children with someone who dragged his feet about marrying me after such a long time. I also wouldn't want to persuade someone to marry me if they didn't want to.
I'd cut your losses and find someone who does want the same things as you, with you.

tribpot · 23/02/2017 19:06

I'm sorry to say it seems pretty clear he has no wish to marry you or start a family. Quite often in posts like these I will ask why the OP doesn't simply ask her DP to marry her if she wants to get things moving along, but in this case I don't really see any point.

I think your best option is to cut your losses so you still have time to meet someone else. The anxiety is doing you no good as it is.

Whether or not he meant it when it was a theoretical possibility when you were younger doesn't really matter; he doesn't want it now and you do. He's entitled to not want to marry or have children. You're entitled to want both of those things.

It's time to take control of your own destiny here. You've waited long enough.

LanaorAna1 · 23/02/2017 19:10

Awful for you, because the one thing you don't want to hear is the one thing you need to hear.

He doesn't want to marry you. You're giving him a great life - he's happy to take the sex, the bill subsidies and the cooking, but he's looking for the woman he wants to marry.

Cut your losses this week. Within 3 months you will feel better than you could possibly have imagined.

gooseygander88 · 23/02/2017 19:12

I've been with my partner 10 years and he doesn't see marriage as important as I do (as it doesn't change nothing/how we feel etc) with saying that we had a big chat and he has agreed to getting married for all the 'right' reasons and not some big party! Would you happily be with him even if you weren't married? I'd still love my partner with or without being married. With having our DS it's helped more with him understanding I want to have the same surname etc. Everyone has different opinions and I'm afraid most men don't think like us women do fantasising about our wedding days!

Fireandflames666 · 23/02/2017 19:12

He needs to be honest with you really. It sounds like he's making lots of excuses.

chatnanny · 23/02/2017 19:13

My DD left her lived in partner for this reason. She then met a lovely man who wanted the same things she did. They're now married with a DC and another on the way.

lampshady · 23/02/2017 19:14

Can you ask him to marry you? Be blunt. If he says no then you have your answer.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:19

Don't allow him to string you along like this any more; if you want marriage or children it will not be with this man. He is actually not worthy of you.

Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:22

He says he's happy to start a family and says he wants a baby which is the confusing bit. I'm torn because we have a good life, but I just feel like he can't love me 'enough' if he is disregarding my feelings about this. I need more from him and I'm not getting it. Which is heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:24

We bought a house together last year and are fixed in for 5 years. I can go and live with my parents at the end of March but until then I literally have no where to go. I feel so resentful and rejected. What was wrong with me? I don't think I can love him anymore than I do or tried any harder to make it work.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 23/02/2017 19:27

After nine years; he hasn't changed his mind - he never intended to get married or he'd have done it by now.

Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:28

If I stay with him and accept we'll never marry I am also accepting that it's acceptable for my feelings not to matter and for him to disrespect me over and over?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/02/2017 19:29

He doesn't want to marry you or have a family with you. And you know what? YOU deserve someone better than a person who thinks a size 12 isn't 'fit and healthy' and knows he is stringing you along and worse than that, blames you for stringing you along.

So I wouldn't bother with a 'chat' or asking him to marry you.

I'd tell him we were over, and mean it.

Move on, because there's SO much better out there than a person like this.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 23/02/2017 19:29

I don't get the feeling this man thinks you are his "Miss Right" just his "Miss will do for now".

I think he's stringing you along. I've seen it a few times before where a man has a long term relationship but doesn't marry, until he suddenly splits up with that partner and within a year or so has married and started a family with a new woman.

His excuses are just that, excuses. He doesn't want to marry you. Cut your losses and walk away.

TempusEedjit · 23/02/2017 19:30

You feel led on because he has led you on. Absolutely do not have a baby with him until you are actually married (not just engaged) as until then you cannot trust what he's telling you with regard to how he sees your future together.

(disclaimer: I'm not saying in a general sense that you need to be married before having a baby, just that in your particular case your DP will have absolutely no need to ever tie the knot with you if he already has everything else he wants from you)

ELR · 23/02/2017 19:30

DH was like this we were together 10 years. I was sick of waiting and asking if he was gonna ask me etc duct. So I just said we are getting married on such and such a date at this location and he said ok then about a month before we were going to get married I said I want an engagement ring he didn't do anything so I found one I liked and showed him and told him I was getting it and then I bought it! All his money of course! 😂
We've got two kids and been married 12 years so 22 in total. Some men just need it doing for them!
Although I would of loved it if he had asked me etc

Original poster
Hopelessworrier84 · 23/02/2017 19:31

Where do I go? Back in with my parents? At 33? GOSH this will be so hard.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2017 19:31

Its not you, its him. You are fundamentally incompatible because you and he do not want the same things ultimately. He wants to hang onto his youth and you want marriage and children. You feel strung along because you have been strung along; you've talked about these subjects and nothing has changed.

I don't think I can love him anymore than I do or tried any harder to make it work.

The second part of that sentence strikes me as "sunken costs fallacy". That can make people keep on making poor relationship decisions; don't fall into that trap.

ethelb · 23/02/2017 19:32

I'm sorry about this OP, it is crap and people can be quite unsupportive, particularly on here.

However, you can't carry on like this and feeling this crap. You need to have an end date in mind (don't share it with him) and get your ducks lined up to leave him. And then do it if he still hasn't proposed.

Mine proposed when he had about 48 hours left (unbeknownst to him), and while we are now happily married the fact that he left me waiting for so long it nearly ended the relationship is still a resentment 3 years on. One I can live with, but a blot on an otherwise happy relationship.

I hope it works out for you either way OP.

Inneedofaholiday2017 · 23/02/2017 19:32

Does he have any issues with marriage like divorced parents etc?

I think TBH you need to decide if it's that important to you - if he's willing to have baby maybe just go straight to that (and then maybe nudge him during pregnancy that unmarried dads don't get automatic rights and it'll have a diff name to him etc etc). Or if it's a deal breaker to be married first I'm afraid you have to call him on it and be prepared to walk away.