Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?

[Littledarlingdog]

Brief history; found out recently H has been unfaithful for the last ten years with ten different OW. I realise this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

He works away a lot and says he meets them in hotel bar. He is 58. He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret. I am in pieces. He says there was no EA and it was just sex. I thought we were reasonably happy. I've been doing lots of reading to help me navigate through this horrendous time. I'm in shock. H has mentioned sex addiction but I've seen this term used a lot. Does anyone think it exists or is it just an excuse for reckless sex.

STD testing for me organised for end of month. Feel dirty and violated. I haven't kicked him out as I'm numb.

You poor love. I'm so sorry. But you'll be fine. You are a decent woman with friends and an amazing mum to support you. He's just a pathetic man who thinks he's something special.

£40 is very cheap for an escort! I know someone who worked as one in Manchester and earnt £150 an hour.

I think you need to add a zero to that

I believe £40 a time may be realistic if he's picking up women from the streets? In which case he is abusing some very vulnerable women who are highly likely to be homeless/using drugs/at very high risk.

That wouldn't be escort prices and if he is using those kind of women then that speaks very poorly of him, the women he's willing to abuse and the risks he is willing to take with his and your sexual health.

My XH paid £160 ish for outcalls (where they come to you ) booked through Adultwork. From my review of his account he could have got women for £100, but not much less - and that was in Birmingham. So I'd say no way for £40 in London.

Anyway, the amount hardly matters except to confirm he is still lying.

He's also lying that it was 10x and 5x. (Nice round numbers there!)
If you are a habitual prostitute user through multiple relationships, why would you keep count? My XH was going about every fortnight on average - he wouldn't have been able to put a number on it. If I asked you how often you had your hair done last year, you'd give me a good estimate but I doubt you'd be right. And you'd have no reason to lie!

If it helps, my XH had been using them for at least 10 years but I expect 30 odd. I got the all clear on tests - and I even think he'd used street prostitutes as he got a curb crawling letter

So don't assume the worst x

As to the future... it's really not a sex addiction. It's a selfish arsehole who managed years of sex whenever and however he wanted without effort, without risk of being caught (he thought, and was right for so long) and without guilt.

You don't have to throw him out TODAY. You are in control, make your decisions in your own time. Though he can keep his disgusting scummy self away from you!

But to the poster who said he doesn't love you any less today than 6 months ago...

He also doesn't respect you, love you, care about you and your health any more today than he did six months ago.

If he simply chooses to do this - why would you stay?
If he's an addict - he won't stop, so why would you stay?

If you have the pleasure of looking at adultwork as I did, you will see there are 1000s of women on there. With multiple reviews. There is a market. It just doesn't sound likely to me that that reason is so many sex addicted men.

Yes, no-one here can say definitely that your husband does not have a sex addiction. What we can say is that it's far more likely that he's just a selfish cunt he discovered he could get easy sex without you ever knowing. He thought.

Take it easy on yourself

If he's admitting to 10 it's definitely more than that.

And either he's picking a vulnerable, most likely drug addicted, desperate woman off the street for £40, or he's paying at least triple that for a professional escort. Ask him which one he wants to admit to.

how are you feeling now?

Ugh so seedy.

Ellisandra you are awesome and probably the most helpful poster on here.

OP I hope you are doing okay today you brave and wonderful woman. I'm also going to give you a . Or would you prefer a ?

Thank you for my birthday wishes! here's to getting older and wiser!

(And happier )

Thank you everyone for your replies. Ellisandra thank you for your wise reply. Have been looking at Adultswork, it seems a very popular site. This is all making cynical which is a shame but maybe necessary.
Kitten many thanks for the wine, gin and cake
Another day....and I'm determined to enjoy it.

It could well be 10 prostitutes... But about 20 or more times with each of them.

You can safely assume he saw one every time he was away on business and do a count of incidents from there.

He's addicted and this has been his life for a quarter of a century. He is not the type to be satisfied with one woman.

You can be done with a relationship without physically walking out of the door and take some time to decide what you want to do.

Would he agree to giving you some space by moving out for a couple of weeks to a month if you wanted that?

At the end of the day, does it matter if it is 5 or 50?

I know what you mean DrMoribus if he's cheated it's irrelevant of full body count. The financial implications however, do annoy me because we have been struggling in that department and that money spent on prostitution could have paid for a weekly food shop

Perversely the finances are probably what kept the body count down Op.

But once a month at £150-£200 a go, is the best part of £2500. Even every other month, runs over £1000 per year.

Sorry, read a few pages, went away & thought about it then jumped to the end.
Sorry, just imagine it was the other way round....
What would he do ?
Not calculating how many, how much, the irreplaceable trust, the planning, the deceipt, & now the lying, & worse, the pathetic sickening remorse

There is you answer

Hope you're doing ok littledarlingdog

I'm having good and bad days. Yesterday was my worst day yet. Lack of sleep is the main factor, I managing to eat bits. Got a good friend over for the day today

Am glad you're managing to eat something at least & that you have company.

That's tough about the lack of sleeping though. Does anything help at all?

Lack of sleep is hard enough at the best of times, let alone the worst of times. Could you see your GP and get a very entry level sleeping pill that you use every other night? Or I use these things you can get at Boots called Sleepeaze they are fairly mild and can buy over the counter (I'm quite a bad sleeper).
I'm so glad you have friends and family supporting you. Do you like doing exercise? I've always found it very helpful when things have been difficult, partly as a temporary distraction.
Is he away at the moment?

I've tried all sleep remedies known to man!! Went to GP but she refused to give me even a weeks supply of sleeping tablets ( have no history of drugs or alcohol misuse) she insisted on prescribing antidepressants. I haven't used prescription because if it wasn't for my selfish H and his crazy making behaviour I'd be perfectly happy

Get rid.

See a different GP and say that lack of sleep is affecting your mental health and ability to function and you'd like to try some sleep medication.

You cannot go long term with lack of sleep, it fucks you up in every way. A decent sleep and you'd know you need to get rid.

This could have got you HIV or hep c or anything - and he didn't care. That alone is reason to leave. He is putting your life at risk!