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Original poster

Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?

173 replies

Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 07:56

Brief history; found out recently H has been unfaithful for the last ten years with ten different OW. I realise this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

He works away a lot and says he meets them in hotel bar. He is 58. He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret. I am in pieces. He says there was no EA and it was just sex. I thought we were reasonably happy. I've been doing lots of reading to help me navigate through this horrendous time. I'm in shock. H has mentioned sex addiction but I've seen this term used a lot. Does anyone think it exists or is it just an excuse for reckless sex.

STD testing for me organised for end of month. Feel dirty and violated. I haven't kicked him out as I'm numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 14:54

Oh whatthe that fills me full of disgust. So many wives being deceived and potentially being exposed to SDIs. I'm not implying escorts or your friend is " dirty" but surely the more sexual contact the husbands have the less autonomy their wives have over who they're sharing their sexual health with. I expect most men don't use condoms for oral sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 14:55

My H said he used condoms 100% of the time but then he admitted he didn't have them on for BJs

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 14:59

That's 10 women ( probably many more) who have given oral sex to my husband with no protection. If they have any slight abrasions in their mouths then blood and saliva could be exchanged. I find this very worrying particularly as I had my wisdom teeth out in recent years and my gums had open wounds on them for some time as they were deep and slow to heal. I shudder to think.

My H didn't give a jot about my health when he was balls deep in their mouths with no condom.

OP posts:
another20 · 22/02/2017 15:06

Maybe they feel no remorse as they see it as just an anonymous physical interaction (an enhanced w**k?) and they believe that they have not "gone further" as in an affair when emotion is invested - maybe they see that as worse?

Also this behaviour may be normalised in certain situations eg stag dos, sports tours, working away etc where men are happy to be open and do this with their mates knowledge.

Also what is the difference between an escort and a prostitute? Does one sound more

Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 15:11

For me escort sounds more high end and glamorous and prostitute sounds more sleazy but they're both just words meaning paying for sex

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 22/02/2017 15:51

Little when I found out my XH had a prostitute habit, it was the disregard for my health that made me angriest.

I can't forget the day 4 years ago when I sat in tears in my local drug addict needle exchange waiting for an HIV test to be done. Sad (local sexual health clinic referred me there)

A fucking needle exchange.
HIV.

Ellisandra · 22/02/2017 15:54

Working away is no excuse.

In the last 12 years, I've had 3x 1 year stints of being away all week every week. 1 year maternity. 8 years of every other week.

Guess how many times I cheated?

Yep - ZERO.

Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 15:54

Yes Ellis that's the thing that hurts/makes me angry the most.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 16:05

Just texting him now and he's saying
He met women randomly in bars ( not escorts) just random women
He only had one encounter with each
He had no email/text/phone contact after
No emotional attachment just sex
It's irrelevant now, he's cheated on me but he expects me to believe that crap

OP posts:
Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 16:06

I know I shouldn't let it bother me but I'm so very angry he still won't tell me the truth

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/02/2017 16:08

Please tell me you are not swallowing his crap OP, I mean really, 10 that you know of, probably double that then to reach the true figure and I'd guess they are all prostitutes, costing a lot of money.

Why on earth would you stay with this scum bag; he has zero respect for himself or you; in fact, he's been putting your health at risk the whole time you've been with him; never mind the lies, the sneaking about, the reminiscing he must do after each session.

Do you really think this is the best you can achieve, I don't; poor you, must be an awful shock; I hope you have support and help to help you move on from him.

Original poster
Littledarlingdog · 22/02/2017 16:10

Yes I am in terrible shock, it's just a nightmare unfolding daily

OP posts:
Adora10 · 22/02/2017 16:14

Just awful, confide in your friend, a family member, someone you can trust; you need to get this out so you can start to process and decide what your next move is.

I honestly think you will feel better if you kick his sorry arse out today.

Call it what you like but he's shat all over your marriage and what it stands for; unless he has a full frontal lobotomy he will NOT change his behaviours.

Deadsouls · 22/02/2017 16:15

Yes I believe there is such a thing as sex addiction, as there is to gambling or eating. It's a process addiction rather than a substance addiction but works on the same reward centres in the brain.
It doesn't mean you don't take responsibility for your behaviour and it doesn't absolve you. There is an obsessive/compulsive element involved as well I think.

Adora10 · 22/02/2017 16:16

And I don't believe they are randoms; I think he set them all up using an escort website, it's not hard (as long as you have the money).

Thenew72 · 22/02/2017 16:22

Most men are fortunate if they get 10 women to agree to a one night stand if they are young, single and drop dead gorgeous. It just doesn't ring true.

wherearemymarbles · 22/02/2017 16:25

Are these uk hotels? Every woman ive met in a hotel whilst travelling (admittedly overseas) who wanted to have sex me was a prostitute. I would think 10 is indeed the tip of the iceberg.
He did it because

  1. He could
  2. He didnt think he would get caught

Much crocodile tears methinks

another20 · 22/02/2017 16:33

He met women randomly in bars ( not escorts) just random women
He only had one encounter with each
He had no email/text/phone contact after

Errr.....except the one that you rumbled him on - that was an email arranging to meet in a hotel / bar?

He is minimising - part of the script.

These are prostitutes - just assume that he did this every single time that he got the chance - as if he truly has sex addiction he would need to act on it all the time - he couldn't hold back to once a year - shot himself in the foot with that excuse.

You need to just assume the worst. This will have also drained a lot of your family money. You are in shock right now. You will be traumatised by this. Please share it with a friend, your sons, see a lawyer and get him out. He has crossed so many lines. There is no coming back from this.

DrMorbius · 22/02/2017 17:37

Sadly Triskel's post is bang on the money. As a guy who has worked away for 25 years (globally) I have seen lots of this sort of thing, by those with a sense of entitlement. including my two best mates.

I always say it's the almost zero chance of getting caught combined with the lure of"hot" sex.

Sorry Op, there are hardly any single/available women in hotels etc. It's ALWAYS escorts.

RainbowChasing · 22/02/2017 17:50

Sex addiction is real but most people who say they have a sex addiction don't actually have an addiction- they're just trying to excuse their poor behaviour. If you google signs of sex addiction you will see that generally the signs suggest a murky, seedy chaotic lifestyle, and not just screwing random women/men because you think you can get away with it. Sorry to hear about your husband's cheating.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2017 17:55

If he won't tell you, then I'd assume they were longish term and not one offs. He could have had a few OW on the go at a time.

I think he's sorry he got caught and not actually remorseful. Remorse would be telling you the truth for starters.

Do you have a copy of the email?

Do you want the truth from him? I'm just wondering what would make a difference to you, because he's admitting 10 women and that's not an immediate dealbreaker for you. What would be?

I know you're still in shock and trying to process it all. Then you have the anxiety of an STD. You can't believe he always used condoms and the chances are that he didn't over his prolonged period of cheating, especially if he was in a LTA.

If you want the truth and he wants the marriage, I'd advise you to be firm and take decisive action once you get your head round it.

SandyY2K · 22/02/2017 18:08

If he met them randomly and there was no contact afterwards, why did you find the email.

My

SandyY2K · 22/02/2017 18:19

My response to him would be you don't buy his lies and if he can't tell you the truth, as far as your concerned you're done with him.

That's not a threat of divorce, it's simply saying you're done and the 180 is a good tool for you.

I have a feeling that he's been cheating for an awful long time and with a lot of women and he's now too ashamed to tell you the truth for fear that you'll want a divorce.

Do you have access to his phone? Is it password protected from you?

Assume that he's been cheating for the greater of your relationship and prepare yourself for the worse.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this terrible betrayal. Please remember to keep hydrated and get some fresh air.

Do you work?
Do you need to take time off?

Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?
Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 19:25

Yes sex addiction does exist, Patrick carnes writes in depth about it

However whether he is or isn't an addict, the bottom line is that he has still cheated. I would also bet that you haven't found out anywhere near the extent of it

ps its usual for the addict not to want sex with their partner

Christinayangstwistedsista · 22/02/2017 19:31

Having a sex addiction explains the behaviour, it doesn't excuse it