Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?

[Littledarlingdog]

Brief history; found out recently H has been unfaithful for the last ten years with ten different OW. I realise this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

He works away a lot and says he meets them in hotel bar. He is 58. He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret. I am in pieces. He says there was no EA and it was just sex. I thought we were reasonably happy. I've been doing lots of reading to help me navigate through this horrendous time. I'm in shock. H has mentioned sex addiction but I've seen this term used a lot. Does anyone think it exists or is it just an excuse for reckless sex.

STD testing for me organised for end of month. Feel dirty and violated. I haven't kicked him out as I'm numb.

To be fair I did tell him not to interrupt me while I was reading it out. I'm normally pretty placid so I think my change in demeanour is a bit scary......

When I tried to type in change then auto correct put in chlamydia

It's really not at all funny but I feel in a state of mild hysteria after my first trip ever to STD clinic at 54 years of age

You must feel like you are having an out of body experience

He seems to be under the impression that you are going to get over this. He's spinning you lie after lie and has been for a very long time. He's stolen your trust, your family money and potentially your health.

Please ask him to move out and seek legal advice. I do not believe a marriage can survive this without causing enormous harm to the injured party. Be open with anyone who needs to know.

A woman I knew found out about her husband and his escorts and he basically told her to put up or ship out. He was very wealthy and they had a fabulous lifestyle. She divorced him and he played very, very dirty. I think some men just think they are so important and special that the normal rules of life don't apply. Or so arrogant they don't think they can be caught out. Or thrill seekers. Think of all the politicians who've been caught in degrading and sleazy situations. Don't be that wife who steps out with a bright smile, holding his hand and has dead, empty eyes.

Stop talking to him and start talking to the lawyers. Firstly get as much evidence as possible about all his finances as he will probably move from contrite to vicious in a remarkably short time.

I agree with Matilda. Time to get your ducks in a row

Thinking politicians of John Major and Edwina.......yuk
Thinking prostitutes of Wayne Rooney

The longer you wait to act, the greater the chance you will let him stay

Is that what you have decided ?

Thinking wire brush and dettol up his knob.

Am aware it's not a bit helpful but am angry for you 😡

I'm so proud of you OP.
You're handling this like an absolute BOSS.
I'm glad the clinic people were nice to you.
There aren't words to describe him.

I need to think clearly. I can't at the moment I'm just numb

Ha ha wire brush and dettol.....loving it

He just needs to play the waiting game

Just act "dumbstruck" When the questions get a bit tricky and voila nothing changes for him

You should ask him to leave to give you some time.

Book him into a hotel.......

I do think you need to gather as much evidence as possible.

Though in this scenario he must be absolutely terrified of exposure.

just saying

I read on an American site about infidelity " if your wayward spouse disrespects your new boundaries threaten to confiscate one of his golf clubs from his caddie "

The usual narrative on here will be LTB Op, but you need to do what's right for you. Weirdly your DP doesn't love you less than he did last week, last month, last year. Work out what you want.

You seem very calm about this

When this happened to me I was literally on the floor with the pain of it

I don't think you know how you are going to react until this happens to you. I think I must be numb as I'm so calm. Thank you DrMoribus how can I just LTB when I can't even think straight? I never thought I'd be facing this situation. I loved my life. Admittedly I'd forged a very separate life from my H because he was never here

What did you do Christina ?

I have been in horrendous, gut wrenching pain but now I feel nothing

Admittedly I'd forged a very separate life from my H because he was never here

That's very common OP. In a way you develop two lives (home and away). Your DH possibly did the same. Not right but it's how it can work.

We split the day I found out, it broke my heart but as much as I wanted to go back to the life I loved I knew deep down that not only was that life a lie, I could never go back to it. Things had changed for ever. I knew that I needed to be able to respect myself

Yes you forged a very separate life but you didn't sleep with untold number of randoms.

DrMorbius - what's your angle here? Minimise the husband's disgusting actions, deceit and shameful treatment of the OP?

OP - you don't have to make any decisions just now. There's a lot for you to take in. You must be reeling. But don't be drawn into minimising what he has done. You didn't lie or cheat. He did. Multiple times. For years.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life OP? How are you feeling?

Sex addiction definitely exists. You can be addicted to anything.