Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?

[Littledarlingdog]

Brief history; found out recently H has been unfaithful for the last ten years with ten different OW. I realise this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

He works away a lot and says he meets them in hotel bar. He is 58. He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret. I am in pieces. He says there was no EA and it was just sex. I thought we were reasonably happy. I've been doing lots of reading to help me navigate through this horrendous time. I'm in shock. H has mentioned sex addiction but I've seen this term used a lot. Does anyone think it exists or is it just an excuse for reckless sex.

STD testing for me organised for end of month. Feel dirty and violated. I haven't kicked him out as I'm numb.

He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret.

And when did he start to feel this? After the first time he betrayed you? Or just now, after the tenth... Or, more likely, is he just sad his dirty little ass got busted?

Please ask him to leave. He will continue. You will never have peace

Offred In this instance, probably. However, I know someone who has been diagnosed with this and has years and years of counselling. She's female.

Yes he's had an eating disorder and he was very ill in the past. He has very low self esteem but I still think it's absolutely no excuse

Sex addiction is a real thing, like anything else that's psychologically addictive - food, gambling etc. Doesn't make it any less of a betrayal though, he still put his selfish desires before you. And it doesn't really sound like he was addicted to sex if he wasn't interested in sex with you.
It also doesn't sound like he was full of guilt and remorse before he got caught.

Sorry to hear you are going through this op.
I do believe there is such a thing as sex addiction yes. My exh had an addiction to porn, it blighted our marriage and was a big factor in the reasons for our divorce. He couldn't leave it alone and it got more extreme as time when on especially when it became available online. I've read somewhere it's to do with the endorphins that the brain releases when you are doing something pleasurable that makes you become addicted to certain activities. He also had an issue with alcohol and he had problems with spending too much money. I do believe some people have more addictive personalities than others.

Sorry to say OP but I think that these women are prostitutes / escorts.

Who randomly meets men in hotel bars? Too many women over too long a time frame for it to be anything other I think?

Do you know anything about each of them ? What do they look like? What is their back ground? Did they realise that your DH was married etc?

Perhaps an addiction to getting away with it... I always wondered watching the Wolf of Wall street why he used prostitutes multiple times a week when he had a wife he describes as "perfect" and they clearly had a v active sex life... later in the film he describes himself as a sex addict...

Back on point, really sorry this has happened to you, can't imagine how you must be feeling. Whether addiction, weakness, dickish behaviour, it all boils down to the same thing: he has no respect for you, consideration for your feelings, or hesitation to hurt and humiliate you. Think that would be more than enough for you to show him the door in a short while when you get your barings back xxx

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. Like Cushioncovers, my DH had an addiction to pornography so I do know that sex addiction exists because when it destroyed our relationship, I needed to make sense of what happened and read up a lot about it. My DH also had an addictive personality, he had issues with food, spending money and impulsiveness.

It's a horrible thing to discover for the spouse, my self esteem was left in tatters. We had been together for 9 years when I found out.

I also wondered when reading what your DH said that he had been visiting prostitutes rather than random women. There are so many lies with addiction and it will take a while for the truth to come out.

Whether people believe it's an addiction or not, the bottom line of it is he has got a serious problem.

Big hugs to you.

I believe there is a real OCD-type disorder which can be called sex addiction. One of my relatives had this. Quite emotionally dependent on their sexual needs. Not in a normal "I quite like it" way.

SA isn't a reason to put up with being treated badly.

Don't know about "sex addiction" but people may have psychological compulsive reasons for cheating.

I know a married narcissistic man who works with my husband who is a notorious cheater. My own assessment of it is that he uses this is a way of avoiding any kind of intimacy and to remain in control. He is in the power position in his marriage because he has one foot in another camp(s) at any given time.

There is no way he would ever be faithful because cheating is built into his DNA. It is part of who he is. Is that sex addiction? I doubt it.

Would he ever be able to not cheat? Nope.

If it's truly an addiction, then you knowing won't be enough to stop him. It controls him rather than him controlling it. But if it's just him being a cheating prick, well it's a choice and he can stop that. I wouldn't be able to regain the trust though so it would be the end for me, regardless of the reasons. He made a commitment to you when you married and he has broken that promise.

^ What Littlelondoner says.

Does it matter? It doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Many addicts do things that destroy their relationships as a result of their addiction. It's not a free pass.

My ex claimed sex addiction when we were splitting up. It was used as a reason I ought to give him another chance. He said his addiction was porn. Funny how he only sought help for his 'addiction' when he was at risk of losing everything.

If your OH does have a sex addiction and sex with randoms picked up from hotel bars is the form it takes, I suspect there'd be more than 10 incidents in 10 years. How does he control or satisfy his addiction the other 51 weeks of the year?

Which means your either looking at a lot more incidents or a filthy habit rather than an addiction. Both unforgivable.

I think sex addiction exists, but I also think very few people truly have it and that many people use it as an excuse for their behaviour hoping it'll get them off the hook.

I suspect your husband is in the majority group...

I think there is such a thing as addiction - I had a friend at uni who used to do some really odd things around sex - like - she'd meet a bloke at the bus stop and end up going home with him for sex. She'd say she didn't even fancy him or necessarily get much out of the sex, but she seemed incapable of saying "no". I think with her it was a kind of self destruction. She was very messed up and had a lot of issues with drugs too.

I also have had issues while in a manic episode (bipolar) in which I've behaved hugely sexually inappropriately, both while single and while in relationships. I don't know how to describe it when sane - I remember quite clearly having one episode where I KNEW what I was doing was wrong, I KNEW I had a lovely partner and I KNEW I didn't even want this other guy, but I felt as if having sex with him was part of some grand cosmic pattern that couldn't be broken or something terrible would happen. I know it doesn't make sense really when said in a sane environment.

HOWEVER I don't think that necessarily makes it OK. Living with an addict or someone with MH issues is a big thing to take on too, and in some ways, probably more difficult than living with a cheat, because what he's saying is that he isn't in control of his behaviour, he can't promise you he'll stop, because he won't (unless he has a lot of help to get to the root of the issue) and he probably has a lot of damage to unpack. I wouldn't even consider staying in this relationship unless he has a very concrete action plan for how he's seeking help to address these issues (therapy etc) and probably wouldn't unless I could see him actively addressing it right now.

I've lived a life where people travel internationally a great deal and this is so commonplace, it's depressing.

think there are different aspects of this kind of OCD addictive behaviour. Culturally it is kind of 'allowed', especially when people travel for work. They try it once and it's unlikely they'll get caught and they get a rush from it and so they try it again.

Work travel is quite lonely. So it passes time. Then becomes a habit: you rock up at a hotel, then look at the internet for local escort agencies...I am convinced it starts with curiosity and entitlement and becomes a behavioural addiction and the compulsion to have sex with different women increases because of the 'high' they get. Some people are far more vulnerable to this than others.

The same kind of obsession often happens in affairs too. They can stop it by recognising it and replacing those activities with better ones. But they have to want to and support from a therapist with experience of this is a good idea imo.

I'd also hazard a guess he is using escorts. It isn't that easy for a man if 58 to pull in a bar. And he can browse the website and choose the girl. It's about control.

Sounds very much like he is booking an escort every time he is at a hotel. Can you check bank statements? Might give you more of an idea about the extent of it.

Thank you for all your replies. It's interesting to hear different slants on this horrendous situation. I'm sorry some of you have experienced relationships with people with porn or sex addiction.
I can relate to cheers post about having the power position in marriage as got his foot in another camp

Sounds more like escorts to me as how many women go on business, wander into the bar with sex on the mind and happen to be attracted to your average looking husband ? That may happen once or twice but 10 times? No chance.

I'm looking down my close where I live, most of the men work away. I wonder how many of them are faithful to their wives when in hotels or am I just biased now?

So were these one off incidents or did he have an ongoing relationship with these women?

And you're right, it's more than 10 and it could be prostitutes or escorts.

Sex addiction does exist. People receive treatment for it from professional therapists, but if he never wants sex with you, then he may well have certain fetishes, that these women in he picks up in hotel bars go along with.

Most are just serial cheats and he now doesn't want you leaving and him having to pay out heaps of money in a divorce.

Sorry op, but it sounds more likely to be escorts to me.

What was the tone/content of the email you found like?

He won't tell me Sandy but when I suggested to him that he was probably seeing them repeatedly and sexting them when at home he wouldn't make eye contact and just didn't reply. I'm so tired I'm barely sleeping

My close friend is an ex escort op. The number of men who use these services is staggering. Men who think nothing of ordering a woman to their hotel room or popping in for a lunch time in call.

Most feel zero remorse and most are married