Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Or is it an excuse for having cake and eating it?

[Littledarlingdog]

Brief history; found out recently H has been unfaithful for the last ten years with ten different OW. I realise this could be the tip of the iceberg and that there could be many others.

He works away a lot and says he meets them in hotel bar. He is 58. He is full of remorse, guilt, self disgust and regret. I am in pieces. He says there was no EA and it was just sex. I thought we were reasonably happy. I've been doing lots of reading to help me navigate through this horrendous time. I'm in shock. H has mentioned sex addiction but I've seen this term used a lot. Does anyone think it exists or is it just an excuse for reckless sex.

STD testing for me organised for end of month. Feel dirty and violated. I haven't kicked him out as I'm numb.

What an utter shit OP, I'm so sorry.

As others have said, sex addiction is real, but I doubt that is his problem. Some people just get a kick out of living on the edge. One of my best friend's is having an affair, both married. She tends not to mention it to me as she knows exactly how I feel, but she has said she is more addicted to the thrill of leading a double life than anything else - doubt she will see it that way when the wheels fall off the bus but there you go.

I would be very careful about how you broach the subject with your children though. My father (or the sperm donor as we prefer) was a real cheating arsehole, but my mum was incredibly diplomatic in letting me find that out by myself. Despite him shitting on her from such a great height, she never called him out in front of me until I told her at 23 years old that I thought he was a complete wanker. I'll always admire her for letting me reach my own conclusion on that.

I had to forge my own life. I love socialising people and I love holidays. My H wouldn't go away so I went away , and will continue to go away with friends. I've never fucked anyone else though. Without emotional attachment sex would be meaningless to me
Christina I'm sorry you went through this too

*socialising with people

Yes you forged your own life in a decent, honest, respectful way.
You have lots of friends and family to lean on (whoever you choose to confide in, and whatever you want to confide).
I'm so sorry OP. It's heartbreaking. I hope you are managing okay.
Lots of people here who have experiences and advice they can share.

Thank you Kitten

Focus on looking after yourself

I feel like I'm following the same pattern as my parents. My DM discovered my F was having sex with prostitutes in her late 50s. She divorced him. She had a passionate love affair with someone new after the divorce. He sadly died. My mum is still alive. She is a wonderfully witty woman who has supported me through this nightmare. Not something I wanted her to witness or trigger her memnow she's in her 80s

*memory

I found it difficult to even tell anyone, I was so ashamed of the things he had done

I know you don't want to put your mum through this but she sounds as if she is very wise and supportive, you need that

I'm an open book - that's just me. Also, I feel why should I suffer this in silence whilst keeping his reputation intact. Today my next door neighbour came with me to the STD Clinic. I wasn't planning on telling her but she text me asking me for lunch. I replied saying I had little appetite because of my appointment and she offered to take me. She was a godsend

I'm Glad she went with you

I wanted to protect my ds, things my dh had done were unbelievable

Be prepared for finding out more

Those quotes are good. I also like 'the truth will set you free but first it will pissed you off.' Gloria Stenim.

You will feel all emotions and unfortunately this is a slow train you are on. It is a huge shock to find out someone you trusted has been lying to you for years. I am still shocked, every day, and DDay was months ago.

Read Chumplady's website if you decide to end it. Great advice and support.

I'm so glad you have people to confide in and help support you. Your mum sounds ace.

As forty is the new thirty (I'm forty next week ), fifty is the new forty and you have lots of time to meet someone fantastic whenever you are ready for that.

My mum was completely faithful to my cheating twat of a dad who left her and us to start a secret family overseas. She has been with my lovely, caring and utterly brilliant stepdad for nearly 30 years now and they are blissfully happy.

Sex addiction definitely exists. You can be addicted to anything

My arse.

I really really like butter. It's not good for me and I want to eat it every day. But if I wasn't able to, I wouldn't suffer stomach cramps or paranoid hallucinations. I might get a bit grumpy but my health would stay the same.

Addiction is a serious condition where withdrawal from the substance can be life threatening or extremely painful to the point of the addicted person wishing they were dead.

There is no such thing as sex addiction because the withdrawal (no pun intended) of sex does not result in the person concerned undergoing physical suffering and pain.

It's a sham invented by Hollywood to create sympathy for the sexually incontinent.

OP

You said your life has been a big fat lie?

Is this below that I said upthread the case?
Assume that he's been cheating for the greater of your relationship and prepare yourself for the worse.

He's finally admitted it, he's paid "10" prostitutes for sex
He paid for "5" prostitutes when he was with his previous long term partner

Anyone think he might be minimising the body count. He said it cost £40 a time but is this true of London prices , prostitutes hanging around hotels?

Bingo. What an idiot. Ten times my scottish blue backside. He wouldn't know the truth if it hit him in the face with a bucket.

Not a clue re prices but am sure someone will know something.

So sorry Op that he continues to drip feed the truth. That's rather insulting to your intelligence.

He's so sorry he got found out. This morning he admitted he set up the meetings on the internet choosing the preferred woman/girl using a laptop I bought him for his birthday ,as he didn't want those sites showing up on his work laptop .
So for 25 years he's been using prostitutes and during that time he's never had a STD test. I'm so anxious about my results.

Kitten I hope you have a fantastic 40th birthday next week

Totally understand where you are coming from. At age 50 I found out that my exH or 30 years had been having an affair with someone from work for three years. Over the next few months I found out he had had numerous other affairs and had also used prostitutes. It was all about the attention for him and the thrill. He had a job which involved long irregular hours and lots of travel so it was easy for him.

He swore to me he had always used condoms but I then found he had had a paternity test done on one woman's child in case it was his. Draw your own conclusions. I chucked him out. OW (who was the love of his life apparently) did not leave her husband quickly enough for him so he had a new girlfriend and love of his life within a week. What a prize! He actually said to me "I can't be alone" because he only existed with an admiring audience.

I had the numb feeling too. On the surface I was functioning and coping and I even believed it myself but looking back I was in deep shock and made some quite daft decisions at that point.

You are doing the right thinking by not keeping his dirty secret. Help and support from my women friends was amazing.

You may not be ready to hear this but you need to take steps to protect your financial position now. Prepare for him to behave in a really shitty fashion re money once he realises you are not going to forgive him because it goes hand in hand with the entitled nature which does this sort of thing in the first place. Do you have separate money or is it all in joint accounts he could clear out? Do you both own the house? Don't talk to him about this, but see a solicitor as soon as possible. Remember, he is not the man you thought he was and he will put himself first and you nowhere.

I'd suggest you change your user name as you don't want him tracking you on MN going forward. He is not your friend!

Can someone fairly average looking attract ten (?) different women for casual sex?

Are there that many women hanging around in hotels, or is he booking them online?

Can someone fairly average looking attract ten (?) different women for casual sex?

Of course! Don't be so silly.

If you don't care about being rejected, it's easy. If you ask enough people, eventually someone will say yes.

Jesus Christ; the man is out of control. So glad you have your mum and friends to get you through this awful time.

He said it cost £40 a time but is this true of London prices , prostitutes hanging around hotels?

Have a look at a website called adultwork, op and you will see what's 'normal' pricewise. But yeah - it's not £40 in London for full sex for a pre-arranged outcall with an escort.