Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Personally I think this is something you should/could text him about but it does seem as though you got to him and didn't get upset by being 'grey rock' this am so nc working?

I hadn't heard the term "grey rock" before but I've just googled it and it makes perfect sense. I'll try to keep that in mind.

I did tell him about the accidents this morning so he is aware and could let nursery know. I also told him about the extra spare clothes. I'll leave it for now and see how she goes over the next few days.

I'm now wondering what to do about food for DDs. He is having them for dinner and overnight tonight. He's having them here which I know a lot of you disagree with and I think I will change it in the future but it does seem to be working okay for now and it unsettles the DDs as little as possible because they're in their own beds with their own things. Anyway, I make up batches of food for DD1 so there's stuff in the freezer for her to eat. It slightly annoys me because he should cook for her but at least I know she'll be eating something she likes. DD2 is weaning and she's not really taken to solids too well. There are a whole load of purees in the freezer that I made but she doesn't like being spoon fed. Over the past weekend she has done really well with finger foods so that the way I'm going to go now. She'll also eat from Pouches so I've ordered some reusable ones so I can give her my own purees that way. Anyway, I want to say to him that he will need to buy and cook fingers foods for her, I can tell him what she'll eat and how to cook it, but if I don't make it easy for him he won't do it. The other week when he had them for dinner, admittedly she wasn't doing so well with solids, but he didn't even try to give her anything. I think he found it too much to be feeding them both simultaneously. So what do I do? Do I have to cook her food before I leave? Or at least prepare it? I want her to eat (obviously), she doesn't need it so much from a nutritional point of view but I want her to get in to the habit of eating every meal time as she has done the past few days.

Don't text your ex about it, take her to the GP

BTW he's acting like nothing has changed because nothing HAS changed. For him. He checked out of your marriage months or even years ago.

In his head he has a little story which goes

" yeah our marriage has been over for a while now. Meeting OW was a symptom not a cause, it was because I wasn't getting my needs met at home.

So I felt I had to be honest with I Iwas a girl and wanted to discuss things calmly . But instead she went crazy and chucked me out.

Now I'm single again I'm working and playing hard and sometimes it's hard to fit the kids in. But I do my best and iwasagirl doesn't even appreciate what I do for her. She difficult and demanding and expects me to jump every time she sends a text. She doesn't seem to realise that I have a life now, all she cares about is the kids.

I try to be kind when I pick the kids up but she won't even chat to me. I just want us to be friends"

It's all bollcks of course but that's the story he's telling himself and his family. As OW tells him what a great guy he is and a wonderful father.

Because otherwise he would have to face the truth about himself.

Id make food and tell him about dd2's food - even if you were together most non stay at home partners would need these instructions. You aren't helping him you are helping girls. My lo loves a big bowl of watery mashed potato or chopped up spaghetti put in front of her that her can put her hands in and feed herself - get him to make this let your lo have fun and he can have fun with the mess

And you know that dialogue does sound right except the op has been trying to talk to him and he won't set a time. Op next time you see him reiterate calmly that you want to talk properly with him can he let you know when he's free then he can't be thinking those things about you.

I'd say you make the Food for your little one. It's not about making things easier on him it's about you maintaining the brilliant job you're doing as a mother. I know it's tempting to leave him to see what it's like to do it all but you already said he made no effort to try solids with the little one the last time. You continue doing what you normally do regards your children. When some time goes by you'll be the one able to hold your head high with dignity that you always did what was right by your children. Plus it will save you fretting. It's not about him anymore it's about you and your children. Don't even equate him into it,he's spending time with them and that's all you need to concern yourself with. After that do what you normally do. That's just my opinion.

Oh and if she was on antibiotics for the scarlet fever that def could have caused thrush x

Can you not just tell him she's used to having fingerfoods now so he can just give her a few bits of whatever he's having (within reason)? And tell him there's broccoli etc. or whatever veg you'd normally have in the fridge? It wouldn't be the end of the world if she missed a solid meal here and there at this stage, should he decide he cba, and it avoids setting up the expectation that you'll always have everything pre-prepped for him.

Yeah, you're right. I'll just make her food. She likes roasted sweet potato so I can prepare that and all he has to do is put it in the oven. It's the same with the bottles, I shouldn't have to wash and sterilise them before and after every visit, but I want her to drink from sterile bottles so I'll just do it.

I can't remember if I said - my Mum and Dad have said that my daughters "had a chat" with them and they want Mummy to get her hair done as a treat for Mother's Day so I've got an appointment for Saturday. My parents are fantastic.

Make sure when u leave tonight you are all dolled up just to fuck with his head for a cxhange

Don't worry Peaches, already in hand! I am meeting a friend for a drink but he doesn't have to know who I'm with!

Proud of you ❤ you're doing amazing and them two little women are lucky you're such a brilliant mam. All you do now will mean in the future you can hold your head high and know you put your kids first no matter what

Good luck lovely- you're doing great!

I might sound really cynical here but put passwords on your laptop/desktop or at least delete your history. There is a chance he'll want to know what you've been up to/searching and he has access to those whilst in the house when you're not (just so nothing can be used against you if it all becomes completely unamicable which sounds like it's going that way unfortunately)!

Keep doing what you're doing and you have all of us here too! Enjoy tonight 🍸🍸🍸

I only ever use my phone which I'll have with me. On the day I found out about the cheating I took mine and both DDs passports and our marriage certificate and put them in the safe at my parents house. I know he wouldn't do anything stupid like try to run off with them but in that moment I just felt I had to take control and if he's not the person I thought I suppose he is capable of anything.

The same man who ignored my multiple texts requesting information about times is now giving me a running commentary of his journey to get here. I don't think he's doing it to be facetious, I just think that it's a case of out of sight, out of mind. And I don't mean that as an excuse for him. It's not how it should be. His children should never be too far from his mind but when he's doing something else he does have the time or inclination to consider them, but when he is coming to see them or is with them, he wants to make himself believe that he's a devoted Dad. If that's what you want to believe then be a bloody devoted Dad. The inconsistency really irritates me. Just be constantly shit or constantly good. Just get a fucking grip!

He is going to be the perfect Disney dad :(

He's such a bloody idiot. I, of course, have done my hair, make up and made an effort - I'm only meeting a friend for a drink but he doesn't need to know that. He asked me if I'm staying at my parents tonight, I never ask him where he's going or where he's been staying, I just said "no" so he said "where are you staying then?" The other day when I spoke to him and asked him why he didn't answer my call the other night he said "I don't need to answer that" so in response to "where are you staying?" I said "I don't need to answer that". He said "are you seeing someone then?" I said "I don't have to talk to you about it". He got annoyed and I pointed out that's what he told me the other day so he stormed off, despite me being in the middle of explaining to him about the girls dinner. So I asked him to come back and he said "I don't have to talk to you". He's such a twat.

I continue to have huge respect for you OP, well done and from a distance I can tell you will be absolutely fine in the long term. Love your parents too. Be proud.

Ah... it seems that he doesn't like a dose of his own medicine then....

You are amazingly strong iwas

Good on you Iwas!

Hi OP, just reading your updates and your doing so well. He doesn't seem to like the thought of someone else having you does he. I liked your answer that was quick :-)

Stay strong , he needs to see what he is missing to know what he has really lost.
How's the OLD going ? X

Thank you so much for the supportive messages. I really hate leaving my DDs and it's made worse by an exchange with him like that. I know they'll be fine but I miss them.

I've had a few drinks with friends and it's really nice to be out and having fun. OLD is going well. I've been chatting to a guy all day - he's a Dad who sees his kids!!! I'm being very honest about everything, even down to breastfeeding and having to express, because what's the point in lying? I don't actually care if someone isn't interested. And this guy is still interested in talking to me.

I feel pretty rubbish this morning. Just really sad about the whole thing.

Great. I'm sitting in the freezing cold at a train station on the brink of tears. This whole thing is so crappy. And now I have to see him and I just feel like utter shit. I don't feel as strong as I did and knowing I'm going to see him just makes me feel more vulnerable. I miss my girls so much when I'm away from them. I hate producing milk for a bloody pump. I wonder if that messes with my hormones and makes me feel more emotional. I hate that I'm waiting for a train with my little suitcase rather than being at home with my children.

I think how your feeling is normal and I imagine your hormones are being messed about with. That's why they don't advise overnights with breast feeding babies. I know you want to let him have the visits at home and open access but in the face of it you might have to batten down the hatches a bit. He doesn't treat you in the same respectful way does he?

Now put on your best smile and be ready for the hand over :)