Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Not sure how it's helpful to suggest OPs husband angree with the children. (!)
Don't think OP actually wants to listen to advise , impression I get she uses this thread as a journal she can write in ,more or less.

What's in - that's really unfair she's listening to all advice.

I said angry with children because he himself has said he thought he regretted having them. I also said he loved them. You can angry at someone even though you know it's 100% not their fault something happened. Who can he be angry at about all that's happened to him? Not his dad - hes going to die, not his sweet dds- it's not their fault they were premature and sick, not his wife? She suffered the same and suffered mental health problems too. Himself? Maybe?

Op - I don't want to derail you - you were doing so well focusing on yourself and following people's sensible advice about contacting rules. I'm enouraging naval gazing which isn't what you need right now so will lurk for a while

That's not really fair. I have listened to advice. I have stopped contact with him. What have I dismissed? As I've said before, you can't see me outside of this thread, this is my safe place to be vulnerable and obsessive about things. Doing it here means I'm not doing it IRL. Sometimes I post in here to distract me, sometimes it's so I don't contact him, because as much as I agree with the benefit of that, this is a man who I have shared my life with for 12 years. He knows my inner most secrets. He has seen me at my most vulnerable and pulled me through my worst times. Even though he is now being a total and utter cock, it's not the easiest thing to just stop myself from texting him. And is it really the end of the world if I do use this thread as a journal?

and so what if she is using it as a journal and we are merely giving pointers and helping her getting clearer about what is going on and what she will do??

The OP has no obligation to listen to everyone on here and do exactly as she is told!! Nor does she have any obligation to do everything just right now instead of going at her own pace.

OP I do think you need to start living your life with as little involvement on his side as possible.
If or when he really wants to be involved with his own dcs, then I am sure he will contact you and be clearer about what he can or cant do.
Of course you want to make it as easy as possible for your dcs and you dont want them hurt. But remember that you are not the one who is hurting them. And you cant force him to be a good father.

In the mean time you and your dcs deserve the best life possible. One where they are involved in family gatherings. One where things are planned, outings organised. one where you don't spend your time waiting for someone that may or might not come.
That doesn't mean that you are stopping him from seeing them. that means you are putting boundaries to protect you and the dcs. That means you can say clearly, 'You need to tell me by xx what is the arrangement for the week/the month, otherwise I will assume you don't have them and will plan ahead accordingly'. And that is OK. that's not stopping him from seeing them, that's ensuring he is taking the piss and taking you for granted. And that's protecting your dcs from knowing 'daddy should come today' and see them waiting with excitement all day only for him to turn up right at the end of the day or not at all.

xpost.

no Iwas. this is up to you to decide how you want to use this thread and no one has the right to tell you you are not doing it the 'right' way.
there is no right way to deal with mariage ending.

You've not done anything wrong sunshine. I appreciate your input and advice. I have taken it onboard as much as anyone else's input.

I'm not sure about the suggestion of him thinking I could be with someone else. He never just "drops in". He does let me know when he's on his way and despite having a key he never uses it, he does always knock. I think he just wants to prevent me from having any life away from the children. Which is a fucking joke because that's where all this started - that he wanted a life away from the children. Either that or he is just shut off from it all. I do know that he has been working longer hours and it does seem that that's his focus at the moment (and possibly the OW) but I know for a fact he has been working more than usual, but I imagine that's of his own fruition rather than their demand. For whatever reason, he has shut off from every person who he has an emotional attachment to (his Mum and Sister too). He still sees people but he isn't connecting anymore. I'm not sure I care why anymore.

Thanks Green Peppers. I fully intend to start living our lives with as little involvement from him as possible. However, that's not to say that I won't still speculate about certain things and express that in this thread. That's all I have done today - speculated about what he could be thinking or why he is behaving the way he is. I'm not adapting my behaviour because of the speculation, it's basically just pouring out what is in my head into an Internet forum and seeing what the consensus is. I think that has maybe been misinterpreted as me making allowances for him - it's not, if anything it's about making allowances for me. Rather than considering that there is something wrong with me and the DC that has made him this way, it is easier and preferable to consider that his own head has made him like this. Even the presence of another woman, which we know there at least was, is a rejection of me. I know this whole thing is a rejection but I would rather believe that he has rejected his own life due to an inability to cope with it, misplaced anger (that should be for his father) or some kind of breakdown rather than "he just doesn't like us". Maybe my reasoning and excuses are a form of self preservation. It doesn't mean I'm letting him off the hook. He's still a wanker no matter the reason. But it's nicer to think he's being intentionally awkward when it comes to arranging times to come to see the DC, rather than he just doesn't give a fuck about them. Whatever the reason, it doesn't actually matter. But one of them makes me dismiss him as a juvenile idiot and the other makes me question every moment from the past. Either way, I'm still not contacting him, so it doesn't, or shouldn't, really matter what I choose to believe.

In other news, it took twice as long to get DD2 to sleep as DD1 kept demanding my attention. Then DD1 buggered about for ages and just as she finally went to sleep DD2 woke up. I'm bloody exhausted!

Calling in for you.
Keep strong, how are your parents?
Every day you sound stronger and more determined. I hope your plans to see friends work out this week

Use it how you want. We're here for you.

OP do what you have to do to get by at the moment--whatever works for you.
Your H has dealt for a truely awful blow which has sent you into a tailspin and will take you a while to level out.
Use this thread as a journal/safeplace/support whatever you want, no one is judging you at all.
You are getting there and doing just fine, you are starting to make sense in your own head about his behaviours and how you will react to it.
Live your life as a single parent and take it from there, Try setting up a regular contact diary for the DD's--one that will allow you some downtime and some sleep. Keep contact to a necessary minimum and don't go sharing your day to day activities with him. What you do and where you go is no longer his concern, it's a need to know basis and he doesn't need to know. As you say it seems like he still wants to have some control over you and he can do that through messing about with contact with DD's-stop allowing him to do this.

Thank you to the last couple of posters. I really do appreciate the support and the advice. I'm sorry if it doesn't come across that way.

He's doing the nursery drop off this morning but never told me what time he was aiming to get here. I've had a text saying "I'm on my way" but I don't know where from so it's bloody pointless. I need to know other stuff about times but I don't want to get in to an argument with him. When he picks DD1 up I think I'll just ask my questions again and see what he says. It's so bloody tedious.

Yes just ask again and try not get to wound up by him. Think all those positive thoughts about how you are in a much better position that him etc etc.

Thanks sunshine. It's so difficult because I want to call him out for being a dick and tell him that it's not acceptable to ignore me and not respond. But I guess it's like with a child, the more attention I give it, the more wound up I get, the more he'll do it. My mum thinks he's being difficult so I'll have a go at him and he'll have an excuse to have another argument with me so he can let out some more of his anger.

I will try my very best just to ask the questions without telling him how much of an utter shit he is.

I think that was a success. I didn't make eye contact. I told him what he needed to know about DD1 to pass on to nursery. I asked him what time he will be here tonight and he gave a vague answer, I told him I needed to know as I'm making plans so he gave me a more definite time. I asked him what time for other arrangements in the week and he told me. Then said "sorry, I thought that was all arranged". I just said "no, that's why I asked your sister to contact you". He didn't respond and I found something to take out to the kitchen so I could say "fucking twat" without saying it to his face. He asked me how they slept last night, I said fine. I looked at my phone and he said "are you okay? You look concerned", I just said "I'm fine". I was actually reading a message on the dating site). He asked if I was tired, I just said "I'm fine". I asked him nothing other than my questions about times and told him I want DD1s coat out of the car.

Been following your thread,just wanted to say we'll done. It must be unbelievably hard to have a tornado of thoughts and feelings and still remain dignified and resolute in front of him. Whatever way things work out I hope you find happiness again and that it works the best for yourself and girls in the long run whatever the result is

Thanks cheeky. I have always said what I think and what I feel to him. It's completely alien not to. It's why I have tried over recent weeks to tell him what's going on in my head so we could hopefully have an argument following by a decent discussion and clear the air about some of the important things. But he's just not willing to. However for 12 years it's what we've done so it's a hard habit to break.

It's so weird seeing him because he acts like nothing has changed but between visits my opinions and approach is changing. He is still carrying on as though we can be chatty and friendly and he wants to know about my life. It's like he's aiming for a double life - when he's here he wants to slip in to how it used to be but when he's not here he doesn't give any of us a second thought. Well that doesn't work for me. It's all or nothing and nothing is my preference right now. The irritating thing is that when I don't cooperate with him in person, I think he believes that I'm the one being difficult. But he's the one being a complete dick when he's not here.

Well done getting through that and actually getting some answers.
Try to have a better day today.
Can you catch up on some sleep?
Still hand holding here!

How are you doing hellsbells?

I'm going to try to get a bit of sleep when DD2 does.

I now have an additional health worry with DD1. Normally I would discuss it with him so he could reassure me that I'm not over reacting or tell me that I am but we'll keep an eye on it. But of course I'm not going to do that. And my parents are worrying enough about me I don't want to put it on them. I guess I'll just worry about it on my own, take her to the doctor and see what they say/do. Why is this year so shitty?

I think you're doing brilliantly iwas and you sound so much stronger now.

You can share the health worry with us if that helps

Thanks McButton. I know I'm probably being paranoid but DD1 has been toilet trained since last summer and then she was dry at night recently for about 3 weeks. But over the past week or so she has been peeing a lot more frequently. Last night from when I started getting her to bed to when she went to sleep (about 45 minutes) she went 3 times. And she did actually go every time, it wasn't just a delaying tactic. She has also been wet most nights but really, really wet. And this morning she got up, went to the toilet and then about 10 minutes later she told me she had done a wee in her pull ups (which she had). Then when she was having her breakfast she told me she did a wee in her trousers (which she hadn't). I know the accidents could be as a reaction to everything going on so that doesn't worry me but she seems to be peeing far more frequently. My Dad has type 1 diabetes which was diagnosed in childhood so I've looked up diabetes symptoms and there are a few things which ring true. She has not gained any weight in a year. Her body shape has changed a lot and she isn't under weight now, she was just a chubby toddler a year ago and a slim little girl now. She has also had ongoing fungal/yeast infections which is apparently a symptom. I'm hoping these are all isolated things that don't point to diabetes but it's a condition that is always in my mind because of my dad. I do know I'm paranoid about her health too - she's ill so frequently that I feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing.

Could she have thrush or a Urine infection? Thrush especially if she gets a lot of fungal Infections? She'd probably have a temp if she had a urine infection.
She must have had a lot of blood tests - do you know if they've ever tests for glucose levels? It probably has been done already at some point.

Blood sugar levels were tested when she was in NICU and they were all over the place which you would expect. They haven't tested them aside from that. I considered a UTI but she doesn't have a temp, I asked her if it hurts when she does a wee and she said it doesn't, she hasn't said it's sore down there either. She is still getting over Scarlet Fever so it could be somehow related to that.

Well scarlet fever would have wiped her out and made her immune system low. Ask nursery how she was today re accidents and also when she gets back check to see if red down there at all. If she's irritable as well that's a sign of urine infections. Shouldn't say this but you know I also have constant health worries with mine and I get so sick of going to GP and being patronised but you can buy testing strips from amazon quite cheaply to test for urine infections and also I think glucose in wee. They are only a couple of pounds. Go to GP if you are worried though.

That's good to know. Thank you. Now that you mention it my Dad used to have those test strips.

The thing is she is already red down there because Scarlet Fever has made all of her skin creases red anyway. So all round her groin is red which means it's difficult to tell. I have sent extra spare clothes along to nursery just in case and a pull up just in case. They're good there and if they're concerned she's unwell they'll give me a call for a chat, even if they're not sending her home, just so I know how she is.