Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I'm getting really pissed off by him not providing any definite details. He just seems to assume that I'm sitting around waiting for him to arrive or drop off and that just takes the piss. I'm meeting a friend for a drink tomorrow as he is supposed to be having them over night but I can't give her a time because he won't give me a time. I haven't contacted him but this is what I was getting his sister to chase. Even her contacting him is not getting him to provide an answer. He initially responded "thanks" to the questions and he has responded no further. For fuck sake, how hard is it? I don't see how I can get away from being left waiting for information like this. I think I will say after the visits this week that he needs to provide 72 hours notice including times of drop off and pick up and if he doesn't, he won't see them. Does that sound fair?

I also have another situation that I'm not sure how to deal with. In two weekend's time there are family events on both the Saturday and Sunday. I would like the girls to go to both of them but where previously they had spent one day at the weekend with each of us, I was prepared that they would have to miss out on one. But now that he isn't being forthcoming with arrangements and I've told him we will make our arrangements and he has to fit around us, I don't know if I should tell him we already have plans for that weekend and he can't see them. On the one hand, why should he get to call the shots, for two weekends running he's been working so hasn't been able to see them, why should he get to decide that now he has time he will see them. But on the other hand I know he'll say that I'm stopping him from seeing his children, he hasn't been able to see them the previous two weekends and I'm being unfair. It would make it even more difficult to communicate and make arrangements with him. But should I just give in to make things a little bit easier, when they're already pretty shit?

It's reasonable for you to expect him to make plans in advance and stick to them.

He doesn't do this because he doesn't see why he should. He thinks the kids are your responsibility and he's doing you a favour by seeing them. You are reinforcing this by begging him to see them, and chasing him up through his sister.

He also doesn't tell you because he enjoys having power over you and controlling you. Even when you are apart he still gets to decide if you see your friend for a drink.

Probably tell him access will be EOW with 1 day/evening during the week-- away from the house.
If he misses it because he choses to work or some other pathetic reason then he forfeits visitation that time- unless it suits you to offer other times, but don't be too flexible or he will continue to take the piss.
Keep a record of all texts, discuss DD's only and back off from any other communiction. You are not responsible for his relationship with the DD's--perhaps backing off and low contact will give him the boot up the arse he needs.
I would go ahead with your weekend events, after all YOU have plans now.

kr1stina that's fine, I get all that, although I have never begged! But the point is what do I do about it? I mean about the plans already half made. That's all I'm chasing up about. I just want to know times. I need to know so I know where to be when.

Just tell him times and you'll need to be here at x time pls. Make it an hour or two before you actually need him to be there in all likelihood with his current power games he might well turn up late

On the family weekend I'd just say they are free because they have x and y events. He can see them for evenings/nights in week though or the weekend after.

Good for you op seeing that you'll be the one in the better position long term.

I am afraid it's unlikely to get better, he feels he is doing you a favour to see the kids, so he thinks any time is good, as you are at home with them. Going forward, when you return to work, who is going to be doing pick ups/drop offs to nursery/childminder??? You need to have that in place as he needs to do his share. Think solicitor is required either way...
He has an exciting new fling/relationship and that's his priority. He sees you as nuisance and is running away from responsibility (don't think his work is suddenly so busy that he can't see his kids or have a chat with you or reply to your text).

I am afraid it's unlikely to get better, he feels he is doing you a favour to see the kids, so he thinks any time is good, as you are at home with them. Going forward, when you return to work, who is going to be doing pick ups/drop offs to nursery/childminder??? You need to have that in place as he needs to do his share. Think solicitor is required either way...
He has an exciting new fling/relationship and that's his priority. He sees you as nuisance and is running away from responsibility (don't think his work is suddenly so busy that he can't see his kids or have a chat with you or reply to your text).

My ex used to do it to annoy me and I used to bite everytime. Now I take the advice on here and he has to let me know or they aren't Available. We do eow though and he opts not to have them during the week.... he does generally do roughly one or two weeks in the holiday- he likes to complain he doesn't need to have them as I don't need childcare (I am a teacher) forgetting about the seriously ill bit. The children have even opted to stay with partner if I pass away in surgery or after. That tells you a lot :/

Oh wow. That really does say a lot!

I suspect he's doing it because it's the one bit of control he has. Although he has always been the one with the cards in his hands, I have never really let him know that I think that. Since I found out about this I have been the one calling the shots. Saying yes or no to having them and when. He knows that it all has to be done with my agreement. So I think maybe he's playing games by buggering about with times, not answering calls, not making arrangements. Because it's actually the only thing he can do to get to me. Obviously there are lots of things he can do but he doesn't know that.

OP it's not helpful to think he does it because he wants to get to you. Remember he told you he wants to go out and enjoy single life. Most likely he has other pleasant things to do then looking after children. Who knows he maybe waiting to see if he can make plans with OW or colleagues ,and if not then he'll have the kids in last minute . Not sure why would he want to get to you, he's the one wanted to separate not the other way round. He should and probably does feel guilty and could be avoiding you due to guilt and shame

Fair enough. But I maybe think that because he has so much anger towards me, without reason, that it would fit that he's trying to piss me off. According to him I'm the one who wanted to separate, and should have given him a chance to explain. Anyway, its inconsequential, I just wish I bloody knew what time I had to be certain places so I can properly plan my week.

Looks like you over think a lot. It's better to take things at face value instead of looking for hidden meaning in everything. Men are most straightforward in their communication and lack of communication means they are not interested. And in regards to you not giving him chance to explain. .if he wants his family he will crawl on his knees, grovel and beg. He will explain himself via text email and whatever else because it will be upmost important that you will hear him out.Does he do that OP?

You're right, he doesn't. I'm clearly worthless. Thanks for highlighting it.

You are not worthless and no one is implying that. But tbh op you do seem
To be trying to find a reason into everything he is doing the simple reason is that he is a selfish twat. You need to stop asking his family to contact him about arrangement stop contacting him go completely NC with him and his family. Block his number for a while and let him sweat it out see if he'll bother his arse to actually come see if his children are ok. You are too 'open' for him. Please start to switch off from him

You're not worthless, it's not a reflection on you. It's a reflection on him, and he's (currently) a selfish tosser.

But I have done that Peaches. I have cut contact. Yes, it's only been since yesterday when we had the argument on the phone but I don't control time so I can't make that a greater length of time that I have been NC. I have no intention to contact him. I have contacted his sister because there are half made arrangements and I need to know specific things. What's the alternative? I sit around waiting for him all day tomorrow? I'm sure I'd be in the wrong for that too. And yes, of course I'm trying to find reasons for his behaviour because everything he has done is so far out of character for him and I would far rather believe anything else other than he doesn't love his children.

OP in no way I implied you are worthless. You are doing great, you are taking care of dcs and managing despise sit he's putting you through. I apologise if I upset you with my comments, just trying to help .
Can I suggest something? You mentioned before you want to take extended maternity leave. I don't think it's good idea at this point, the busy you are outside of the house the happier you will become. Being stuck at home with your thoughts prolongs unhappiness. You need to be happy, for yourself, your dcs and it will feel great to get control of your life once again.

Sit =shit

Don't sit around and don't wait for him. Make your own plans and stick to them, even if he magically appears in the last minute. NOTICE, he needs to give you notice. If he doesn't respect your time enough to make proper plans,you MAKE him respect your time.I suspect he thinks you are at home 24/7 and he can roll in any time it's convenient for him.Surprise him, say no!

He does love your children. People don't suddenly change over night. Unless you were completely deluded for a whole 12 years then you do actually know this man. He's just very angry - with you, with him, with your kids by the sounds of it too. Anger can't last forever. Agree with suggestions as to how to handle contact for next few weeks.

Where he is staying now? How permanent that arrangement is will help tell you a bit of what he's thinking.

Apparently I shouldn't be trying to work out what he's thinking. But to answer your question - he is only making temporary arrangements. He was the one who last week, Thursday I think, said that he doesn't know what term let he should be looking for and said we need to talk about it. And then I suggested meeting and he apparently doesn't have/can't make time. I'm sure everyone will be along in a minute to tell me he's living with the OW so it doesn't matter.

Can I ask? At some point you said you weren't feeling in control at all of the situation. Like he has all the cards and you have none.

What would make feel like you are in control again?
Does 'cutting contact' help atm?
Does organising yourself with the dcs wo waiting for him to come back with his arrangements help?
Not judging at all, but I feel you to feel more in control of what is happening rather so that you can organise your life and the one of the dds. So I'm wondering what would help you to do exactely that.

Also I don't think it's an issue for you to try and understand what is happening in his head. You are trying to make sense of a situation that just doesn't make sense compare to who he was and how he has behaved until now. It's a lot to take in TBh. And having an understanding of what is going in can also help yu making the right decisions re how to deal with him.

I suppose I feel real frustration that I can never have proper control. He has a legal right to see his children and no matter how much he fucks about, I can't stop him from seeing them. Not that I would want to at this stage but down the line, if he continues in the same way, I can see him visiting them sporadically and even if that was having a negative impact on the DDs, I can't do anything about it. I just want to protect them from being hurt or feeling abandoned and let down by him and I can't and I hate that.

Cutting contact with him does help. It's an irritation that I know he is coming tomorrow but he hasn't told me what time. Same for the few occasions this week that are arranged. Now that I know he isn't making any firm arrangements I will ensure that everything is in place before I say yes or no. But I thought I had been perfectly clear with him. He suggested two nights and one day this week - I went back and asked for specific times and where he would collect from etc etc. He answered half of my questions but not the rest. Then I put together a long text with each day for the remainder of the month and next to it who the children would be with, including times of handovers and where it wasn't known I put ??? I asked him to copy, paste and update that text and then we could keep updating and resending it as additional arrangements were made or confirmed. It couldn't have been any bloody clearer.

Do you think he doesn't want to give times as he doesn't want you seeing anyone else/ if you don't know when he's coming he can drop in to check up on you?