Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Jeesh, this is hideously familiar - right down to the 'not available 24/7' - but YOU have to be for the girls, right? I will try not to rant about him (trust me, I could!) and instead suggest you delete that number again. Every phone call and text from him, read then delete. You should not be asking him to see his daughters. I completely understand how frustrating this is - but the ball is in his court and its up to him whether he picks it up. I'm so furious on your behalf.

Jeesh, this is hideously familiar - right down to the 'not available 24/7' - but YOU have to be for the girls, right? I will try not to rant about him (trust me, I could!) and instead suggest you delete that number again. Every phone call and text from him, read then delete. You should not be asking him to see his daughters. I completely understand how frustrating this is - but the ball is in his court and its up to him whether he picks it up. I'm so furious on your behalf.

I have not suggested you've done the pick me dance, iwasagirl. But I do think that you felt you were in control of deciding if you would take him back to a certain extent. All perfectly understandable as he is your husband and you know him, whereas I don't. I do however suspect that that was never the case. He had no intention of coming back to you and your girls. He's just too much of a coward to tell you straight.

If he was a decent human being, never mind father, he would be making arrangements for pick up and collection times. He didn't. So if he turns up at a time that is inconvenient, tough titty for him. It doesn't matter if he considers you "in the wrong" because you are not. He is. He is, don't you see? It's all him.

I would leave his sister out of it too. It's not fair to get her caught up as a go between. Do as has been suggested. Tell him a time and a place IF he asks. And leave it there. Your last paragraph is exactly the plan of action required. See that shit through.

Best of luck to you. You will be just fine. With time you will be more than fine.

His sister previously offered to be a go between which is why I went to her.

I never felt I was in control, I always said that I couldn't make a decision to continue the relationship unless he did and I knew what he did - sought help, suggested counselling, showed remorse, tried to make amends. Only at that point would it have been my decision. And so I was left in limbo. At which point, I was trying to do what I could - firstly trying to make sense of what had happened (it has only been 3 weeks), trying to protect my children, trying to get by day to day and finally, when communication was proving difficult I considered couples counselling may be beneficial to help us work together either separately or apart. It was at that point I was going to arrange to meet him to talk, something he had previously said he wanted to do and I had resisted. At no point did I think I was in control but I was trying to get and keep as much control as I possibly could.

Ultimately if he turns up at a time that isn't convenient then that's not helpful or useful for me. It makes an already crap situation that bit more difficult so I want to try to avoid that.

I know you're trying to be helpful reborn but my marriage and relationship of 12 years has just ended. I've tried my hardest to salvage what I could and make it easier for my girls, and myself, all of whom have already been through it enough over the past few years. Your posts come across as a bit critical of me and I don't really think that's fair. At least I can tell my children I tried to keep their family together.

I'm sorry you feel I am critical. I'm not. I'm, (perhaps heavy handidly) trying to help you see what I can see, although I accept you'll see it in your own time. But you know, I think you're getting there now. As you said, it's been a 12 year relationship and it's all gone tits up in a mere 3 weeks.

So, take all the time you need and do whatever you need to do in the coming days/weeks/months. Essentially, it's your life and not one of us here can tell you what to do as much as we might want to! There's a lot of experience of similar situations on these boards, iwasagirl. Try to take the advice in the spirit it is meant if you can. It will help in the long run, trust me.

Good luck to you, I mean that. I'll bow out now.

I'm not discounting the advice. I am taking it on board but that doesn't mean to say it doesn't sometimes hurt.

I am really done with him and his bullshit. I do know that every thought and feeling is fleeting so I may feel completely different tomorrow but for now, I just hate him. I don't consider being with him and even being a family as something that I want. A clean slate and a hopeful, happy future is far more appealing that a future with him. One thing that I haven't been able to shift and I can't remember if I mentioned this on here or not, is the possibility of more children. I always thought I would only have two. But before we started trying for DD2 I said to him that I never wanted to say never so I didn't want to shut that off as an option. After DD2 I did think that maybe I would want more. Not as an immediate plan but I thought it's a definite possibility for the future. With him, I know that could never be a possibility now. Not after the things he's said about the children we do have and the restriction he feels. Not only that, but imagine if we got back together and he said he wanted another one, I'd just be waiting for another bomb to drop when that child would be a baby. It just couldn't happen. So I have known all along that any future with him means no more children, and although I don't know if I want more, I don't like the certainty of having no more. So now, thinking of an alternative future, on my own and hopefully one day with someone else, I feel a lot more at ease knowing that another child is at least a possibility.

It ok - you've done all the right things and yes you can hold your head very high and say you tried.

It is time to go no contact now. Do you know why he is not available next week?

He's being especially shitty today. You don't deserve it.

Trying to focus on other things is great advice - maybe not join a dating site in joint email (he'll just see this as petty) plan a night out with friends or maybe go on a date with someone completely uncomplicated and so it would just be fun/novel (I don't find first dates fun!).

I'd still send that letter though so there's absolutely no miscommunication.

I think you can trust his sister as long as you keep communications about the girls and their best interests. Fil sounded pretty reasonable too. It's not reasonable advice just to cut yourself off from his family, who has also been your family, and your girl's family for the last 12 years.

And yes whatever happens you will find happiness one way or other and it'll start to get better soon. You aren't always going to feel like this. Your girls will get less hard work as they get older (8 month and 3 year olds hard work!) and you will be with someone who loves you and makes you happy - whether it's someone completely new or him.

There was a thread I saw a while ago about someone who wanted to say how happy she was sometime after posting a thread like this - I can't find it sorry but it just shows things will soon improve.

He is seeing the girls next week. He is having them overnight two nights and for one day. He is also away with work for two nights and I'm not sure why he couldn't do the other evening. He seems to be doing a lot of additional hours at work, and I know you'll all say OW, and I'm not saying she's not in the scene too but I follow his works twitter and Facebook pages and there's been a lot of activity on there at all hours which he is responsible for. He seems to be prioritising work over his children though which just isn't right.

I will have as little contact with him as possible. Some pick ups/drop offs it's not possible to have someone else there so I'll have to do them myself. But I will keep the hand overs as short as possible. I have no intention of texting him. If there is something that requires contact I will do it via his sister, but even then I will only communicate what is really necessary - sick child, financial issue that needs his input etc.

I will have a think about writing the letter. Right now I'm too angry. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Thank you again for your responses sunshine. I don't want it to appear that I don't appreciate all responses, because I genuinely do, but I know you understand my perspective and seem to say things that I have been thinking so I don't feel completely insane.

You aren't insane and you know your life and you know him. You are the best judge of the situation we can only support.

In the unlikely event that he texts me, I don't know what I should do. I could be accused of withholding information about his children, or ignoring him which is the exact thing I'm getting annoyed at him for. Maybe I'm best to send any responses via his sister. It may just seem petty though.

So sorry that he is still being evasive and not prepared to take time to talk.
Without in any way defending his long hours at work( and unsure if he does get paid overtime for it). is it possible he is concerned about being able to afford running a separate household?

Three weeks must seem like a life time for you to be in this limbo.Sending you hugs

Hmmmmm honestly I would email only not text and answer questions. The contact will
Ease off over time but I still chat to my ex husband about our sons. You have emotions and everything else to sort out first though and if I am honest it took about two years before we were ok.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but the work situation is none of your business. You are giving him the opportunity to have your daughters and he is. All this takes time though.

If he texts you I would text back (leaving it just a bit longer than you want to) - no point playing games - you are bigger person here

I agree wannabe. Although work is work, it is nothing compared with your children. I have delayed my return to work from maternity leave because it's what's best for them now.

He did say something about it being even more important that he keeps his job now that ever. He doesn't get paid overtime but his job doesn't fit in to the 40 hours per week he's supposed to do, so to do it to a standard that is deemed "good enough" he needs to do about 60 hours a week. His work have always been shit. They had no compassion when DD1 was in NICU. They piss me off.

I read your entire thread yesterday and it really played on my mind last night. I have three year old and one year old DD's and DH is absolutely besotted with them, but your experience has highlighted that you can't take anything for granted and it could happen to anyone.
I think you've handled yourself really well throughout the whole thing. You'll always say 'if I did this then maybe x would have happened' but the ball has sadly never been in your court I don't think. He's behaved absolutely appallingly and I'm so sad on behalf of you and your girls.
All you can do is stay strong for them (which it is evident you are doing). With regards to contact now... text only when essential. I'd reply to messages from him, but briefly and factually. Nothing else.
Sending you shit tons of virtual support as your pain (and your strength!) are so evident from this thread.

I would start thinking about claiming for things now if only to get the ball rolling....

Thank you Ecureuil.

How do you mean Wannabe? Claiming for benefits and things? I've looked in to a few practical things and before I could sort out anything like that he would need to register as living somewhere else.

I might get shouted at for this from others but is it worth getting a change of address form and leaving benefit things around when he is there to show him how serious you are and it might motivate him? It's just a though feel free to ignore.

Sorry OP seems he's not working weekends but spending time with OW. Don't chase for answers to your questions, he's busy with someone else. Men are cruel creatures and childrenare not always their first priority.Concentrate on your own life, you can't make someone to be there for his children . It's heartbreakingly sad but don't prolong your agony. Minimise contact with him, not sure there's a point playing games ie leaving forms around. If he'll ever come back, it will be when you are absolutely detached from him and happy without him,that's when you will become desirable again. Men chase what they can't have.

While I agree with everything else you have said, I know definitively he is working this weekend. It's neither here nor there though. It's not to say he's not seeing OW at other times and to be honest, whether he is or isn't his behaviour isn't good enough. The reason is inconsequential.

He knows you want to talk and isn't bothering to make time. How he can't find an hour or two says it all. Not to hurt you but imo he is with OW and the children are an after thought. Solicitor time.

To be honest, I don't want to think about the OW because I don't want to think about him. I want to think about me and the girls. I have joined an OLD site for a bit of entertainment and am enjoying laughing at some of the profiles with some friends and also enjoying the bit of attention I'm getting on there.

He may have been the one that gave up on us but we'll be the ones better off for it.

Good on you OP. You're only 30 you have your whole life ahead of you.

Realistically. If this is the kind of person he is, why the fuck would I want to be with that, and why would I want him in my house creating a toxic environment for my children. That's what he did for the three weeks of arguments. He made it unliveable for everyone. And then he blamed me for it. He was "unhappy", "unfulfilled", generally a complete dick who hated his life. But he hated his life because of him. Not because of me or the children. Maybe he felt he didn't deserve us because now I know that he didn't and he doesn't. So thank god he's fucked it all up for himself. Temporarily it's pretty shit for us. But long term it will be worse for him and we will be so much happier, so much more relaxed, content and free from bullshit. We have a good life ahead of us. I don't think he does anymore.