Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

That's awful wannnabe

Someone said to me once the secret to staying married is just not wanting to get divorced at the same time

No one thinks you are an idiot op for wanting to believe the best in him - he is a man you shackled your life two and created two children with believing he would be the best dad possible. He's being less than perfect ATM I hope he pulls through for you.

Too

Thinking of you wannabe and fingers crossed for your next app

He hasn't called me as he said he would. I tried to call him and no answer. I know he's working today but still. He is able to take calls while he's working.

It's so difficult not to text him a tirade of abuse when he's pissing me off like this. In fact I started writing a text and then deleted it which is why I came here to write about my irritation instead.

What is he hoping to achieve by ignoring me? All I can think is he wants to wind me up. Well it's bloody working but that's exactly why I shouldn't tell him it is.

I'm kind of feeling like I want to go on a date. Is that really weird? I think it's that the thought of someone else is so fresh and new and not clouded by all the shit that's currently going on. It would be nice to have excited anticipation whilst waiting for a text back rather than angry irritation! What does that say about me that I could consider going out with someone else? I think the thought wouldn't cross my mind if we had just separated without OW on the scene. I suppose there's a bit of me that's vindictively thinking "if you're going to, why shouldn't I?"

Oo no do it - whatever makes you feel better.

Do you know id be wary of his mum this situation - the only who was married to a bipolar man, had children with him and got hurt when he left - not exactly objective is she?
Sil and sfil yes but not his mum

You would think that that would make her more sympathetic though. Or at least really pissed off with her son for doing to his wife and kids what was done to her.

No she's in denial id said

Say

Seems to be a family trait!

It would be fun to have a bit of male attention but I wouldn't even know where to begin! Let alone having the time to do anything about it!

I finally spoke to him and he said he doesn't have to answer every phone call and he's not available 24/7. I've told him that he's a parent so he has to be. He reckons because he's not available to meet me at all next week he hasn't responded because I want to meet with him sooner than the following week. It makes absolutely no sense. If you're not available next week, we can't meet then, so put something in place for the following week. He told me he's sick of me phoning him to have a go at him, I told him I'm sick of having reasons to have a go at him. He told me he doesn't have time for this, he'll put a plan together, told me to go away and then hung up.

I'm this close to telling him I'm done. I just don't want to say it entirely out of anger.

I would let him be TBH.
GE diet want to say when he can see his ds or when he can meet up with you to sort some of the stuff out? Just plan you life wo him. Organise your ekes, next one and the following as it seems he isn't available anyway and when he comes back to say 'well this is what I can do' tell him to get stuffed of it's not convenient for you.

At the moment, he wants to hold the cards and tell you what to do and when and expects you to jump.
That's not how it works.
He needs to be aware that this is a two way road and that he needs to make an effort just as much as you do.
He needs to realise he has responsibilities as a father and that he can't just escape form them whenever it pleases him.

I have text him to tell him he needs to fit in to our lives and I will be making plans for our lives (mine and the girls). If he requests to see them and we are busy then he will just have to miss out. I will not hang around to wait to find out when he is willing to grace them with his presence.

He's now text to say that I didn't answer his call earlier and I have gone a whole day before without replying to his texts and it's not one rule for one. I told him that was weeks ago. And I missed his call because I was getting DD1 to sleep but I called him back as soon as I could. Whereas he misses my calls and then doesn't follow up. Plus, they are different rules because I'm the one with the children. I have never missed a call or not responded to a text when he has had them.

I'm really tempted to sign up to a dating site using our joint email address just to fuck with him. I'm feeling petty!

He really hates being reminded that he has any responsibilities, doesn't he ?

I'm sorry but I think you will need to disengage from him, for your own sanity. Please understand , I think he's a total shit for treating you and the kids this way. But you can't force him to see his kids.

It's not your job to advocate for them. You have your hands completely full just being their mum. Can you seriously imagine this the other way around - you have a crisis and walk out on your kids and your husband has to plead with you to see them ?

No I thought not. You would be desperate to see them, wouldn't you?

I also think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he's still seeing OW . That's why he can't make plans to see the kids and he won't tell you where he's staying.

He will tell me where he's staying, I'm just not sure if I believe him. I am fully prepared to hear he's still seeing OW. I mention it to him every time I speak to him and he of course denies it at which point I just get to the point of the call.

He doesn't want to be in this relationship, iwasagirl. The decision is no longer (if it ever was) yours to make. I'm sorry, I really am. It's horrific, but it's happening.

The only and best thing you can do now is try to move on. Without him. Do as you told him you would be doing in your previous conversations; do not hang around waiting for him.

Reading between the lines, there seems to be a lot of texts/calls coming from you to him each day. How many times would you say you contact him daily? That would be the first thing I would stop. Be brave and let him go. It will get better. It will take time and it will hurt like a motherfucker, but it will get better.

Look after yourself and your two little girls.

Reborn is right. I know you want to chat to him and talk to him about the girls but he doesn't appear to share this with you. I would try the opposite if I were you only speak to him about the girls and when dropping off/ picking up. He is backing away from you and his role.

Sorry ;(

That is literally all I have been trying to talk to him about - the girls and making arrangements for when he will see them. Only in recent days has he started ignoring me, previously he was instigating text conversations and I was just answering what he asked. Now I have been trying to get answers from him and nothing.

I'm well aware it is over. I have seen that shift today but I need a little bit of time to get my head fully around that. It's still painful reading you all say it. I know you're trying to be blunt for my own good. I just need that bit of time until I'm ready to fully admit it.

I've text his sister with some questions I need answered about his visits to the girls and asked her to find out the information and let me know as I don't want to communicate with him directly at the moment.

It's easy for us to be blunt as it's not our lives. None of us take any pleasure in this and want you to be ok. I wouldn't chase for replies. Decide your limits e.g. I need 72 hours notice, offer him some dates and sit back. Make something else your focus.

Then if he texts you can say ' it doesn't work for me as it's too short notice'. Establish what your happy with you and don't keep asking.

It's bloody awful though. At some point this will be a memory.....dig deep it will be ok.

Honestly, I feel bad for wading in again, but...

You need to stop, iwasagirl. Stop all contact with him and his family about his contact with your girls. If he's bothered, he should be the one to organise it. It is not your responsibility. You have more than enough of those now, he's seen to that. He has basically left you holding the can so find your anger my dear and fuck him. Let him come to you about contact.

I know you said you only contact him about the girls, but from experience, I know that you want to keep the lines of communication open with him and you have an excuse to do that by using the girls as a reason to be in touch. I know 'using' is the wrong word to use, but I'm multi-tasking here and can't think of another, sorry! You have to let it go.

Again, I'm sorry and I appreciate you need time. But do yourself a massive favour and take that time without lifting the phone to him or anyone else about him.

You need to leave his family out of it, as you can't reason with him, you need to find a solicitor and get some advice about visits, house, mortgage etc. Longer you leave it, any guilt that he might have, will dissappear. Stop calling/texting - it could be classed as harassment, even though you are contacting him about children.
I know it's not pleasant, but you need to be strong and take further steps to protect yourself and your girls.

I have literally sent 2 or 3 texts a day, no more than that. It is not bordering on harassment. The questions I text to his sister are about times he is coming to get them for already arranged visits. It is something I need to know. If I just leave it to chance he will arrive earlier or later than I expect and then I will most likely be in the wrong for something. I need to know when he is getting them and when he expects me to collect. Surely that's understandable?

I am not and I have not been texting him/calling him pleading with him to be with me or pleading with him to see the children. Previously he has asked how they are and I have responded. I have text about financial things - we still have a mortgage and a joint account. And I have also text to make arrangements or request details about arrangements. It's only in the past few days that I have called him without answer. Prior to that things were generally done by text anyway, aside from the odd phone call which was answered. Please don't make out that I have been doing the "pick me dance", because I haven't. I have requested that he meet me to talk because I thought it would be helpful, and that was in part at the suggestion of lots of people on this thread. His response was that he would but he wasn't forthcoming about details so that's what I was chasing for.

Anyway, no more chasing. No more contact with him. Anything necessary will be done via his sister. When he collects, drops off I will say hello/goodbye and that will be it aside from anything necessary about the DDs (medication given etc).