Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

With all of that said, he's pissed me off again. It was only yesterday that he claimed he left his phone in the office overnight. I've tried to call him this evening, twice, because he hasn't replied about when he can meet me. He also said he would confirm something about one of the times he's having them next week, today, and he hasn't. Why is he ignoring me? I know the obvious answer is that he's with her, but why not reply to my messages during the day? He replied to some earlier this morning, but not from about midday onwards. And why would he not want to meet me? He said okay to meeting but won't tell me when he's free. And even if he is with her, he's telling me he's not seeing her so why would he not send me a text to make me believe that's the case? Why would he want to make me think he's with her if he's telling me the opposite? How hard is it to send a text? Is he just playing games now? It just really pisses me off because what if something was wrong and I needed to get in touch with him? He knows I took DD2 to the doctors this morning because of her cough and being chesty. His behaviour just doesn't make sense from any angle.

Does he respond to sil and fil when they contact him do you know? Is he just out of contact generally or just ignoring you. If he's ignoring other people would indicate depression etc a bit more. If he's just the same with everyone else but not you then I'd consider ow. It's certainly not helping matters him not communicating.

He's not really contacting other people so much. I'm not sure about today/tonight but the other week he wasn't responding about something that I needed to know so I contacted SIL to ask her to contact him as I thought he might pay attention to her - he subsequently responded to me but not her.

I'm sure I'm going to get lambasted for this but why not just text him along the lines -

If you've nowhere to live after Monday you can come back here - I think I want to work on our marriage for the sake of the girls but there'll be some nonnegotiable things like we'll have to go to counselling and you need to tell me truthfully everything I ask about the ow and give me access to your phone, emails and computer etc'

I know you aren't sure yet - which is totally understandable and you'd be well within your rights to ditch him but does he know you might take him back?

He does know that I would be willing to at least try. I've said there's no guarantee that I could forgive him or trust him again but the whole point is that I DON'T know. If I knew definitively that I couldn't then I would have walked away already. And if I knew definitively that I could I would have already.

I wonder if he's scared about why I want to meet. I was very matter of fact about it and when he suggested talking when he comes to take the girls for a night next week I very firmly said no, out of the house and without children. And then when he hasn't given a response I've gone back today to say "when can we meet?" I think he might be scared about what I've got to say.

Possibly...has he shown any hint of vulnerabliyy, emotion or weakness or upset to you during this? He seems so switched off and matter of fact too - like he's completely shut down.

Not really. He has seemed genuinely sorry at times. But generally he just seems angry. He said something in a text early on along the lines of "if there was something he could do to get it all back he would". He has also said that he was the one who failed as a Dad and a Husband. Not a huge amount of emotion though. The most I have seen from him was when I was completely civil, fine, polite with him and basically gave nothing away and he seemed to have pain and confusion etched on his face. But anger is he go to emotion now.

Sometimes I think he ignores my texts/calls to her a reaction from me. If he gets he reaction then he feels justified in his anger and his behaviour.

Get, not her.

He still hasn't replied to my messages or returned my calls. I don't know if I should continue to call him and have it out with him AGAIN, about how I need to be able to reach him. Or if I should just ignore him now and wait until he has a reason to get in touch with me.

Janiston I'm not quite sure of the context of your message. It's not really in my hands to do anything rash at this stage. And I'm not sure what you mean by being the bigger person.

I am not sure what she means either.... if there was any bomb tossing it wasn't you.!! Honestly I would ignore him now and wait for him to approach you. You have said what you need and he knows you will need notice so let's hope he doesn't leave things to the last minute.,,,,

Some of your last posts are quite telling though. It's all about him and his suffering. What about you? And you seem quite exciting of the fact he may be with ow when he can't be reached. I would be a ball of rage over that. It is not ok to put anyone before his children regardless of his wants and needs and 'you didn't listen etc'. He needs to be available for their sake.

I know you desperately want to find an answer to why and that he is not himself. It just doesn't excuse it. He has to work out what to do next and not leave you waiting. It's cruel and unnecessary. Sending hugs again.

I'm guessing you didn't mean "exciting", should it have been "accepting"? I'm not at all accepting of it, the thought of it kills me, I spend hours thinking about him with her and getting angrier and angrier that he could do this to me, playing over in my head him even kissing another woman makes me want to cry. I wonder what the fuck he was thinking when he was betraying me. Did he feel any guilt? Did he think about me? Even if he didn't at the time, how could be bear to look me and his children in the eye afterwards? BUT, a lot of people on this thread point out that he's most likely with the OW and it's most likely ongoing and every time I read it, it evokes all of those emotions above. So maybe that's why I'm dismissive of it. If I give the impression on here that it doesn't hurt or affect me then maybe people will stop saying it.

There are two elements to him being with her - one is that it hurts me. The other is that it's so fucking selfish of him, how can he be with the OW, if he is, fucking her, drinking with her, while I'm stuck at home looking after his two children - feeding them, cleaning them, playing with them, teaching them, loving them, getting them to sleep, getting up with them in the night, getting up early in the morning. The injustice of it REALLY pisses me off. That's not to say that I want what he is doing, but how dare he choose to have more freedom and take away more of mine?

Some of my friends made me feel better last night by pointing out that even if he is with her she's not really going to be much of a catch - she is interested in a man who is married, with two young children, no where to live and, for whatever reason, isn't really functioning on a basic level. How desperate must she be to see him as a decent option.

He's been tagged in a post on Facebook just out for a meal with his colleagues last night. So why he couldn't answer my calls I don't know.

He's text to say he's going to call me in a while. I don't want to lay in to him and have a go at him every time I speak to him but at the same time I can't let him get away with continuously ignoring me. Even if he had just text to say "I'm out at the moment, but is everything okay?" Ignoring me just really pisses me off!

Sorry I did mean accepting I should learn to proof read!! I would just keep it cold and factual when speak to him. I assume he a clever bloke so he knows he could have text you or rung. He doesn't need to do something that is obviously going to upset and torment you.

I am sorry he isn't being more cooperative. I know you say he is going through a hard time but you asked me about my scan and if I was pregnant? I have a terminal five and a half stone stromal tumour. I still manage to treat my partner well as he does me and the boys. It doesn't necessarily have to be the reaction (I know you know this)

I hope you have a good day. Don't let the argument/ conversation ruin your day.

I guess the op is a bit understanding of him as she has been depressed herself and knows that it can completely alter your personality and views and ways of interacting with people. Not excusing his cheating. I'm forgiving of some of the faults of my partner ATM because I know I've also had some awful faults and done and said awful things as a result of what we've been through. He wasn't like this before and nor was I. That's why counselling, whatever way the relationship goes will help them communicate with each other again without the anger.
Top priority for discussion needs to be about why he's ignoring some of your calls/messages and how it impacts on you.
Hope you can have a nice day.

Wannabe I'm sorry to hear your news

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. How did your scan go? I know you are right. I said exactly the same thing about his Dad - having bipolar doesn't excuse him from what he did. It also doesn't completely impair your judgement of what is right and wrong. I don't think that my husband thinks that what he is doing is right or okay. I just think he doesn't care about anything at the moment. And I say this because I have been there. In my worst moments I remember being in the car, with my husband driving and him having to do an emergency stop and me thinking "oh well, it wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't". I was so ambivalent to everything because if I cared about anything it meant I would care about everything, so instead it was easier to shut down. I physically did everything that I had to, but I wasn't attached to anything on an emotional level, only my own pain and suffering. But the big difference is that I realised that I needed to get help and I did. And I also spoke to my husband and told him that I wasn't coping and what I needed to enable me to cope. I don't know if any of that makes sense but that's why it seems plausible to me that he could just be detached from everything. But functioning enough to go to work, be fine around his mum when he sees her but maybe he knows that I see through it, or maybe he knows that I don't buy the front he puts on. If it was just that he didn't love me, hated me even, then I don't think he would be behaving the way he has been. I know there are men who walk away from their children without a backwards glance but that was never going to be him. And yes, his Dad did it but in hindsight he was having a breakdown, subsequently turned to alcoholism, years later was diagnosed as bipolar and now he has a matter of months to live. I'm not saying that my he will follow exactly the same path but his Dad walking away wasn't just the actions of a man who didn't love his wife anymore, he was a man in emotional turmoil who couldn't cope and thought running away was his only option. But years later it all caught up with him at which point it was all too late. Maybe I'm a fucking idiot but I do care about my husband and I don't want the same for him, with or without me. But more than that, I don't want that to be the father my girls have.

I really don't think your an idiot. Sorry if I am coming over that way- harsh etc. I hope your experience doesn't cloud your judgment that's all. You sound such a lovely person..... if I am upsetting you I won't post anymore as that wasn't my plan.

Oh no, I didn't mean that. You're not upsetting me. I just know how I'm coming across sometimes. I think if I was reading this I'd be of the same opinion as you!

It's got bigger sideways- it's complicated anyway as it sits under a colostomy bag. It's hard to swallow, breathe, walk etc but I have a big appointment soon and they are going to see if it's viable to operate on- they have done it before.

Thanks for asking.

I hope that appointment goes well. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.