Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Nursery worker a great plan

He's given me no clue about what he's doing or what he wants. All I hear is "I don't know". He keeps saying he doesn't know what he's doing about living somewhere. I know we need to talk but I am scared and I also don't know when he'd be able to. If he can barely factor his children in, how is he supposed to have time for me.

Right, I've text him to say we need to meet and talk at some point.

If he wants to he will find the time. There are 24 hours in a day-he CAN find an hour or two at some point.
There are no excuses about not having time.

He replied and said "OK. One of the days when I'm over next week?" I said no, out of the house and away from the children. To which he responded "when then?" I told him it depends on his availability and then I would arrange a babysitter.

I don't even know what I'll say. I'm not in a position to make any decisions or anything like that. But I think we do need to talk to find out what we're each thinking and feeling. I know some of you will think I'm foolish to not just walk away but we haven't had a proper conversation since I found out and I can't end a marriage like that. I need to have explored and exhausted every option before that. I may ask if he is willing to consider counselling, with the intention of addressing existing issues to either move forward together or have a more amicable relationship as two separate parents. I think counselling would be useful to discuss and thrash out any issues in a safe environment with another person. The argument that happened today on the phone would have been far more reasonable and resolved quicker if it had taken place in a therapists office.

I don't think your foolish op,
You have handled this amazingly .

I think rather than pressurising yourself to make any sort of decision it would be better for you to use the talk as a way of explaining to DH that without knowing the truth you won't be able to make a proper or fair decision on the family's future.
Also him having told you everything would also enable him to move on no matter her how hard.

But there's establishing the reason for it also that is just as hard. Yes it's easy to say He is a cheating bastard ( which he is) but was the other woman just a sign he wants out?
you don't want to get back together ( because your both feeling vulnerable ) to find you hit this road in a few years time.

I personally ( I'm not speaking for anyone else) but I would :

1: work out if he wants in or out ( he might not know himself yet)
2: get the whole truth ( that might be hard)
3; then take your time to make your decision

Keep being strong op xxx

I don't think that is foolish at all I think you need to sit down and have a proper discussion 100% it's the least he owes you

Hi OP I hope you don't mind my coming to post, I have read the events on your thread and really feel for you going through all of this, I think this could easily happen to lots of couples with young children (maybe it is, unknown to some of us). I want to give you a big hug and just a message of support really. The conflict between still wishing for the dream that everything could work out okay and hating the other person for what they've done is hard. With my ex I tried for a long time to make things work but I did find it helpful to think like this when trying to justify his behaviour - if I developed difficulties in my life/midlife crisis/maybe mental health problems of any sort... I am pretty certain I STILL wouldn't treat my partner and children appaulingly, so why would I be compatable with somebody that would? My sister and mother have severe mental health problems but... nope, neither of them have ever behaved in a way that caused me mental torment. Please do whatever you can to look after yourself and your girls (remember the challenges of a 3 year old will pass!) and make life as easy for yourself as you can. There has been lots of good advice on here xxx

I don't think you are being foolish at all.
1000's of couples decide to work on their relationships after infidelity.
I very rarely say LTB when cheating has occurred. Unless it's multiple or with prostitutes.
Some people can get through it and some people can't.
It's a lot to throw away so needs careful consideration.
My recent Ex is just that because we agreed to work on it but he carried on messaging OW and sending pics and videos etc... so he wasn't even trying so I had to end it.
It's different for you though.
Each situation is different.
I won't lie though. I never did it - but working through it is probably a much harder and longer road to take and I respect anyone who wants to do that.

I suspect that's why he's leaning towards giving up rather than working on it because that's the easier option isn't it. I do think counselling would be beneficial either way. At least we'd be able to have it out, get to there bottom of stuff and put it behind us. Even if that doesn't result in forgiveness or continuing the marriage it would give us a clean slate to co-parent separately.

It is certainly the easier option for the man who hasn't got PR for the kids!!! They just gets to ride off in the sunset leaving us 'wimmin' behind to pick up the pieces and do all the hard work.
I hate them!!!!

So today I have had a bit of a think. He keeps blaming me for "kicking him out" and I keep saying "it was your actions that lead to it". Now clearly, it is not my fault that he cheated so he is wrong to blame me, but one thing he is right about is that I didn't give him a chance to talk, explain or discuss it. And what that has done has lead to where we are now. When I said to him, in hindsight, what would he have said, he said he doesn't know. But if we had had that conversation I would have had a lot more information at my disposal before I told him he had to live somewhere else. Whether or not that information is true or not is a different matter! But if he is to be believed, he was seeing her for only a week, she was basically an opportunity that arose when he was feeling pretty shit about his life and he only kissed her. None of that is okay, but it is also not the most extreme or worst case scenario. With that said, I still don't know if I could forgive it. But, I could see why, if that is true, he feels that my decision to kick him out was rash. Whereas, my decision to kick him out, I didn't see as a decision at all, I saw it that he had chosen her over me. I saw it that he was the one ending it. Whereas he sees it that I'm the one that ended it. When he said we at least needed to talk about what was going to happen (on the day I found out) I thought he meant "Who was leaving? Where would they live? Who would have the children?" so my answer to that was "you will live somewhere else. Whereas I think possibly he meant "What happens to our marriage now? Do we attempt to fix it? Do we take a break? Do we try to talk it through? Or do we just give up?" and my response he took to mean we just give up without even trying. But I thought he was the one who didn't want to try.

So he we are, three weeks down the line and his behaviour since has been far from good, which raises a whole host of other questions and concerns. But I'm now sitting here thinking what would the case had been if I had dealt with this differently. What if I had waited to confront him in person rather than doing it on the phone? What if I had heard him out? What if I had said "go and stay somewhere else tonight and I'll see if I want to talk tomorrow". What if? What if? He didn't handle the situation, which was a shit situation caused by him, very well at all. But perhaps I could have handled it better too. So what do I do now? I think I perhaps need to tell him that this was my perspective on the situation and that's why I reacted the way I did. It may not make a difference but at the moment it feels a bit like one of those situations you get in films where it's a complete misunderstanding. I know that this isn't all based on misunderstandings, but perhaps the situation has been made worse by different interpretations.

I do hope he will agree to counselling. I have no experience but having someone impartial on neutral ground to listen to you both seems a positive way to move on.

Have you read back through the beginning of your thread?

This wasn't a guy who was treating you as everything was normal and you suddenly discovered the OW and kicked him out. He had already checked out of the relationship by 1. Telling you he wasn't happy and wanting his own time etc.. and 2. Carrying on with OW taking her out etc.. (and I'm sure it will have been minimise. Do you know who she is, tried to delve further? Does she even know about you and the girls?).

If you look back you suggested marriage counselling to him within 24 hours of him telling you he wasn't happy. He was flying off the handle and arguing with you and had already left by the time you found out about her.

Give him that opportunity again to talk. Because even if he says he doesn't know what to say he CAN NOT throw that back in your face and blame you again for being the reason he didn't have that opportunity in months/ years to come. Three weeks later is a reasonable time once all of the initial shock has dispersed slightly.

Are you still planning on an evening next week to do this? I do hope so.

You're so accomodating to him, his needs, his behaviour, his lack of organisation to see the girls etc.. please do not feel like you have any responsibility to play in him being out! He's barely begged to come back anyway. Most men would be denying and pleading with their familarity of wife/ kids etc even if they were still carrying on... he's not even sure what he wants. I do hope he's not waiting on her or how things will go with her. I would have to investigate further, especially if there's a chance you might reconcile in the future xx

Sorry I posted before seeing your recent message.
I'm glad you have some more information and that you have been talking together. Trying to double guess 'what if' about things now past is agonising.
Just a suggestion but can you share with him about your feelings? You are such an articulate women. Put it all down in a letter? Texting is very instant and we all reply so quickly. Your posts break my heart and you have such a desire to keep your family together.

You did the right thing by kicking him out and don't blame yourself for what has happened since. You reacted the way most people would have in your situation.

But now yes perhaps it's time to talk to him. Find out what happened, why, and then you can decide what to do.

Hope the day to day (and nights) with the girls is getting a bit easier and you are getting enough rl support with them

I second underastormysky2 - a letter that you can take your time to word carefully to explain to him what your are feeling and how he has hurt you might be better than firing off texts. Might also give him something to more carefully consider before you talk things through?

Oh sweetie this is rough for you but I agree with paper doll. He had checked out a long time ago and has twisted history to suit his needs. How can you ever get over the ' not wanting the children' part..... this is your life and your children.

I know you want to put things right and how desperately you want your marriage to work but I can bet what will happen. You will be the one on egg shells making allowances but this is not going to mend itself sorry. Not once have you posted anything that has made me think your on the same page.

I did start to draft a letter in a note on my phone but it was all over the place - sometimes angry, sometimes emotional, sometimes reasoning. I've said some of the stuff I wrote to him on the phone or via text, but usually out of anger. Writing down was never necessarily to give to him, it was to get it out for me.

I have thought about giving him the link to this but I can't remember some of the stuff I've written. Overall I think it would be a bad idea - it would probably make me too vulnerable and it would take away my safe place to post. I do somewhat have hopes of he stumbling upon it himself, so he can see what other people think of his behaviour. The benefit of this thread it that it does show the variety of emotions and thoughts I have had and have been through. The only time he has been kind towards me is when I have told him of my feelings. He has seemed genuinely sorry and lost like he doesn't know what to do or what he has done. That's not to say that it's all okay, just that he does seem to have some compassion when I do actually express my feelings.

No, I know. I know it's all a pile of shit and he's a dick and there is nothing there to salvage. He's evil, horrible, hates me, hates the kids. But this is my actual life. I do know him. And I know that this now is not him. Everyone else around him can see that this is not him. Everyone else can see that he is on a path of self destruction but as ever I'm the only one who is willing to stand up and say anything to him about it because everyone else is too scared of the damage it might do to their own relationship. He was never like this, he was so far from this you would not believe it. And yes, I know, people change. But what has changed him? Is it another woman? Maybe. Is it two traumatic events and one recent piece of upsetting and confusing news? Maybe.

Deep down I don't think he never wanted children or regrets becoming a Dad. I saw how completely devoted he was when we had DD1. He was so hands on. She idolised him and he her. With DD2 it wasn't the same but I think that in part was down to me - that's not me blaming myself, it's me being honest, I was so determined to make breastfeeding work that I didn't really let anyone else get a look in in those early days. When you're breastfeeding a 4 1/2lb baby they do feed pretty much constantly. And because I couldn't cope when we had DD1, I was determined to prove that I could cope with DD2. And my point to prove was my focus, I did force him to take a back seat and to take the lead with DD1 so that I had more time to commit to DD2 and that impacted my relationship with DD1, so it must have had a similar impact on his relationship with DD2. So it's not that he didn't love her to bits but I didn't allow him to be as involved and as hands on as he was with DD1. And that's not re-writing history, and it's not anything he's said, it's what I'm saying and it is being honest. Just because he's done a lot wrong now it doesn't mean to say that I haven't done things wrong too. Anyway, because of how he was as a Dad and how much he loved it, I don't genuinely believe he never wanted children, I think he just isn't happy and rather than looking internally to see where that unhappiness is coming from, it's easier to blame everything around him.

Why not compile a letter out of what you have written here? You can definitely take a lot of what you've written and tweak it a bit like the bits about dd1 and dd2 you wrote in the last paragraph for example.

You are not to blame for any of this.

Yes. I did think I could compile a letter like that. I'm not sure how I feel about going back over a lot of it though.

It's been a while since I thanked you all on here but I do appreciate you taking the time to read and respond. Also, a lot of you have said such nice things about how I'm a great mum, how strong I'm being, how well I'm doing etc etc. And it does make me realise that I do have a lot going for me and that if this is the end of my marriage I can be okay on my own and someone else may want me in the future. Basically, you've given me a bit of a confidence boost at a time when my self esteem is being ripped to shreds. You have no idea the impact that has because, without the positive comments, the negative comments (IRL) really could have worn me down. Thank you greatly for that.

Did someone already mention the possibility of him suffering from PND? The daily fail wrote an article on it this week

And OP you are doing SO well. What you're going through is so difficult, but you will get through it and when you look back you'll realise just how well you coped and that truly you are stronger than you realise.

Very early in the thread, before I knew about the cheating, it was suggested. Lots of people thought it actually. But as soon as the cheating was mentioned it was discounted.

I do genuinely think he's not okay. He's just not behaving like himself in any capacity. This is a man who once said he would never leave me because he would never do to his children what his Dad did to him. I took issue with it because I said he shouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship just because he didn't want to be his Dad and he said that he would do anything to make a relationship work because it was so important to him. This was obviously all hypothetical. But what he has done just doesn't ring true for the person he was and the things he has said. This isn't someone I was with for a year. This was 12 years, 11 of which we have lived together. I do know him. His behaviour now is shocking to every person who knows him. But then on the flip side I think there are people who commit murders who previously presented as perfectly sane and normal people to everyone around them. So doing this isn't beyond the realms of possibility.