Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

He phoned me back. Apparently he had left his phone at work last night. He can't live without his phone. Anyway, he is a dick. I asked him why he didn't put a plan together on Saturday and he said he didn't know. He said he doesn't know when he can see the children because he's so busy at work. I told him that's not fucking acceptable. I told him DD1 misses him and keeps asking about him. I told him she is playing up and it is not fair that it's all on me. I shouted at him. Told him he's just like his father and he needs to go and see him. He said he's not and I don't know what I'm talking about. I told him he's not okay and he said he's fine. I urged him to look at himself and consider if everything we've been through really hasn't affected him. He didn't say anything but he seemed to listen. Or maybe his eyes were rolling on the end of the phone. He told me he'll put a plan together today. We'll see.

Oh yes, and I told him he's a fucking disgrace. Not my finest moment

Well he is - you just told him the truth.
He is absolutely a fucking disgrace.
You needed to do that - you really did.
Well done on giving what for.
It's what he deserves.
Let's see if he comes up with a plan then.
Sit and calm now if you can.
Cup of sugary tea - you'll be shaking I'm sure!

That seemed the likeliest explanation to me too paper doll.and if you leave your phone at work you go back and get it no?
Sorry op.
He did need to be told-he can't just fuck off with no consequences at all-he's done well to not get yelled at before now quite honestly.
I think you are doing so well in what are very trying circumstances.I hope you are ok.

Oh he has been shouted at before!

I thought the same about staying with OW. I'm not even sure if I care anymore.

I also spoke to his step dad. He didn't say too much but didn't seem impressed about what I told him. He said he will speak to him about putting a plan together for me.

I've also had a text argument with SIL - apparently she told him that I said he had psychological issues! That is not what happened. I approached her as I'm concerned about him and the impact his behaviour will have on the DDs. She agreed that he's going through something and said she will talk to him. Apparently that was relayed as I'm the only one who thinks he's got problems and is concerned about his behaviour! His response was that he doesn't think he has any issues and he doesn't think he needs any help. That's alright then!

Tbh it's probably pointless talking to his family about him other than things that concern the kids and his behaviour towards them.
He will have told them his side of the story which is unlikely to match yours-and they will inevitably side with him-except hopefully where the kids are concerned. That will just be hurtful to you in the end.
It seems incredible no one will tell him to see sense I know-but the thing is he probably isn't giving them the full or real picture and that's what's causing them not to react in ways you might expect.

The only reason I've spoken to his family is because I'm concerned for my children and I thought they would be too. Clearly they don't have many fucks to give.

I'm at breaking point with the DDs. I'm being snappy and inpatient and I need a break. I want to tell him that I need a break and he needs to take them, not give him and option. But it would be used against me as me "not coping". I'm friends with one of the workers from DDs nursery who is lovely and she used to be DDs key person. I might contact her to see if she does any private babysitting - she knows DD1 and DD1 knows her so she would be okay with it and as a nursery worker she must have tackled a bottle refusing baby before. Plus I know she's DBS cleared and I trust her. I shouldn't have to pay someone though when there's a whole other parent doing fuck all.

Do it lovely. And seriously, who cares if he says you're not coping with two small babies 24/7, he couldn't cope with them in the evenings only and they would be in bed!!

Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be just fine.

I do predict that if he were to get wind of you leaving them with a babsitter he would kick off saying why didn't you ask me, what do you need to do that for etc etc. But he's not letting you know when he can and can't have them! Plus I think it would unsettle him further that you are out!! Single and ready to mingle! I know that's not your intention but he will hate it (I can tell from the questions he posed to you when he has the girls!!) give him a taste of his own bloody medicine!! 😝

Absolutely paperdoll. And it's not my intention to meet anyone else but I do always make sure that I put make up on, do my hair nicely and dress up a bit when I go out and he has the girls. Even if it's just to go to Sainsbury's! But he doesn't need to know that. I'm quite happy to leave him guessing and wonder who I've been with. I know it's petty but it makes me feel a bit better! He did ask me outright the other day if I'm seeing someone.

I've sent him a text saying, not that I'm not coping but that I'm exhausted and it's making me ill and he needs to take them as if it goes on much longer I won't be any good for the DDs. He keeps saying that he has to work and he can't risk losing his job, especially at the moment as he needs to support us financially. While I agree with him keeping his job, it shouldn't be at the expense of everything else. And he previously managed to see his children whilst working so why can't he now?

He asked you if you were seeing someone? Because you'd so much time to find a new boyfriend? Or would even think of doing so?Bloody idiot. Deflection is what that is.

Exactly-he's not working more now is he? he had time to see his kids before and he's got time now. What else is he doing with his time that's more important?

This guy-really...

At this point I would be using any help available-family, babysitters, whoever can be relied apon to help.Id struggle to think eh could use it against you-he might try but I don't think any court in the land (should it come to that) would let him get away with it.

His work have always wanted him to do more hours, work evenings and weekends and at times he has but at times I have put pressure on him not to do it and it used to cause arguments. Now that I'm not there putting pressure on, it is feasible that he's working more hours, especially with events coming up (his work is seasonal). But he could equally put his foot down and say "no, I need to see my kids". He said to me on the phone earlier "you have no idea how much I've got on". Fucking twat.

I've now had an apology from him and he's said he will make more definite plans to see them more. I'm sick of hearing "sorry" from him and his words are meaningless without the actions to back them up.

I don't want to upset you but all of this screams OW. He can't make plans with the children because he is too busy with her. I would not contact his family they are no longer your family they have no loyalty to you.

I would seriously consider seeking a legal separation and getting a custody agreement in place.

Yep - you need action not meaningless words right now.

Contact the nursery worker and see if she is happy to help you.
Take a break and use whoever you can.
Your body will be going through hell right now and it will need some down time before you burn out!

I'm well aware of the possibility of the thing with OW carrying on. Right now I don't care. I just want him to be a Dad.

Asking if you're seeing anyone shows just how far from reality he is. You have two small children with various illnesses going on - when exactly would you have found time to start seeing someone?!

And him saying he has 'so much on' as an excuse for not seeing his children - well! Looking after young children is a 24/7 job so you've also had a lot on. Imagine if you also sodded off and didn't see the children for days like he has? Then what?

His new woman really has got herself a prize catch hasn't she? I know in time you will see what a lucky escape you've had.

He's given me a plan of when he intends to see them.

Is it a decent plan ? What has he suggested x

Now build in your extra help childcare around his time he's taking them

This ow makes me cross - what did she ever think she was doing?! And yep if it's still going on they fully deserve each other. You need to ask him face to face when you have your chat.
He's very far removed from reality ATM and not all there I think

It's only a plan for the next week as he is waiting to find out what is happening about work beyond that and where he will be living. He's working all of the next two weekends so he will take DD to nursery one morning next week (she only goes two days) then collect her and have them both overnight. Then on another day he will come after work, have them overnight and then have them all of the following day.

I know. I know it's not the fault of the OW, but how can someone do that to two small children. I will never get my head around that. If someone is unhappy in a relationship and cheat on their partner then, it's not right, but I'd say it's not on the conscience of the OW, but to do it when you know he has children is just awful. How can you have no guilt about that? Knowing that he's spending money on her that should be spent on the children. Just awful.

Obviously she is no where near as bad as he is in this situation. I just can't get my head around it.

Just sent a message for the nursery worker. I would stress far less with her looking after my children than someone else and I don't think you can put a price on that.

Does he say where he wants to be living or want long term? At some point you need to have a medium term chat about what's going on rather than just short term- when you are both ready. I'd still ask his sil/step dad to babysit - she does have loyalty to him but she sounds reasonable even if she's inadvertently playing Chinese whispers a bit.