Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

To be honest I don't really want a relationship with his mother. But her complete ambivalence to her grandchildren surprised me.

For those of you who have been in this position with children, how would you deal with a DC saying they miss Daddy? DD1 has said a few times since he had her on Sunday that she wants Daddy or she misses him. So far I've just said it's okay and given her a cuddle and comforted her. But I don't know if I'm better to reach out to him for her sake - either get him to speak to her on the phone or let him know she misses him and ask him to arrange to see her. Obviously I'm leaving it up to him to arrange visits now and so far that has seen no action, but for the benefit of DD1, when she says she misses him am I better to intervene? I don't want to make things better or worse for her and I don't know how to handle this.

I would personally text/say to your oh that she is missing him and getting upset looking for him and that she'd love to see him (but then leave it up to him to say if he wants to/arrange) But I seem to be a soft touch compared to some. To her I'd just stick with it's ok, I'll always be here, you'll see daddy soon, which is what I've done with my dd when my oh has been away.

Also, someone mentioned nocapes threads and I've found a few in relationships but the advanced search isn't bringing up much more. If anyone is able to link to them it'd be much appreciated.

I'm feeling really shitty tonight. He's not replying to my messages. He had his airbnb up to today so I asked him what he's doing now because I need to know from a financial point of view. He just hasn't responded and that really pisses me off. He's usually got his phone attached to him like an additional appendage. So he's just ignoring me. The thing is he's so not a wanker! He has his faults, as we all do, but he isn't a bad or a horrible person. He's always remained friends with exes, continued to try with friendships that have fizzled out, makes an effort to stay in contact with family etc. So I just can't get my head around the way he's behaving now. It's just so far from how he was and how anyone expects him to be.

Im sure he has told everyone that you are still friends and that he's making an effort to stay in contact with his children.

He'll probably say that he's giving you space while he works out what he wants.

It's just that you and he have different ideas of what is reasonable. IME many dads think that they are responsible for about 1% of parenting . So if he's doing 3% , he thinks he's a great dad and you should be appreciative of his wonderfulness. So if he sees them 5/168 hours a week, in his mind he's a Fantastic father. I assume his family think the same. He even offered to ' give you a hand ' i.e. Do you a favour by doing some of your job for you, to show what a great guy he is .

You criticised him because he didn't phone and ask about the kids. So now he does. That way he can tell his mother when she calls him. And anyone else who asks. Why does he need to reply - he has the information he needs?

I strongly suspect that he's not been a wonderful dad all along. Otherwise he would want to see his kids more. I think that you just wanted to believe that he was wonderful, that's what he told you and you wanted it to be true. because you loved him.

Actually, he was a fantastic Dad. And that's not just my skewed view. He did every night feed with DD1. I couldn't cope. I crumbled when she came home from NICU and I had panic attacks every time she cried. He did it all because I couldn't. And he carried on doing it all. He got up every morning with her so I could sleep in for longer. He used to make sure he was home in time to do her bath every night. When we had DD2, as much as I don't think he really bonded with her, he did everything with and for DD1. He took the complete lead with her. He would take them both so I could have a lie in. When DD2 would take a bottle he would take them both out to the park so I could get a break. And around the house he used to do all the cooking, most of the washing, lots of the cleaning. He did more than me.

He may be a dick now but he wasn't a shit Dad. That's why this is such a shock.

Message him and tell him the kids miss him and would love to see him
He's prob not responded on the living arrangements because he doesn't yet know (or he's intending to move somewhere you wouldn't approve of but let's hope not).
Do you think he expected you to ask him back?

He's responded about living arrangements now. A few different arrangements until Monday and then he doesn't know what he's doing. I've asked if he's looking for somewhere permanent. No response yet. I nearly text him to tell him I miss him. Because I'm an idiot and feeling especially vulnerable. But I didn't. I do feel we need to properly talk, in person, without the children. But I don't know if I'm ready or strong enough for it yet.

He keeps saying that I kicked him out, didn't give him a chance to talk/explain. But he said he doesn't know what he would have said if I did. I don't know what he expected. I asked him that and he said he didn't know, he wasn't thinking. I don't know what to believe of what he tells me now.

No don't tell him you miss him - only kids...
set up a time to talk to him properly - as far away in time as you need it to be, get a baby sitter sorted so it's just you and him
Sending as much support your way as I can.

I'm not coping today.

I feel physically unwell.

Thinking of you op.
I'm sorry your struggling :-(
Xxx

DD1 is being really difficult. She's answering back, ignoring me, purposely not doing what I've just asked her or doing what I've just asked her to stop. She keeps saying "no" to me and just generally being challenging. I know it's because she's 3, probably a reaction to what's happening (she doesn't cope well with change) and also because she's getting over Scarlet Fever. But I feel like I can't cope with her at times. And it's at those times that you would usually step away and ask a partner to help but I don't have that option and it makes me really angry that through no fault or choosing of my own I'm doing this alone and he has dropped all responsibility because it was too difficult. It's too difficult for me right now but I can't even drop my responsibility for 5 minutes. It's just so wrong and unfair.

And what I really want to do is contact him to tell him he has to take some responsibility and it is as much his duty as it is mine to tackle these difficult phases that they go through but firstly, I don't want him to think I can't cope, secondly, it's exactly these kind of phases with DD1 that has made him feel he can't cope/made him feel trapped/made him wish he hadn't become a Dad and thirdly, he just gets annoyed at DD1 which doesn't help the situation.

I know the answer may be to ask other people for help but the only people in a position to do that are my parents and they are exhausted because they're already doing so much to help and my Mum has now been signed off work. My brother has offered to babysit but, as much as DD1 loves spending time with him, she is a bit wary of me leaving her with anyone at the moment. And DD2 is pretty much attached to me. When she's been with her Dad for the day she cries anytime he leaves the room and so being with someone else that she doesn't know so well would be a disaster and it's a struggle to get her to take a bottle and it's not fair on anyone else for them to have to try so hard to get her to take a bottle - bouncing, rocking and crying while she cries and tries to resist it. SIL did get her to take a bottle and she is a midwife and she has offered to take them. But, again, I don't want to have to ask someone from his family for help as it will be perceived that I'm not coping.

Ask you sil or get a paid nanny or babysitter in and sod the cost

It's ok for sil to see you struggle a bit - it's not your fault you are in the position

You are coping so so well but you do need help sometimes.
Everyone knows that.
Especially a midwife.
Ask SIL for a little bit of help.
You are feeling unwell and I'm sure she would love to help you out.
Message twat and tell him the kids miss him and he needs to step up more. Maybe a facetime or phone call every other evening would help them.
If he keeps going the way he is they will have abandonment issues (as is already happening) and he is responsible for that.
My DD is 19 and still has these issues so he really needs to sort himself out.
If he ignores you, another message telling him to stop ignoring you as it's causing you distress.
God I fucking hate men sometimes.
They get to stroll off and not take any responsibility.

3 YO are very very trying at times. Pushing boundaries.
You need help - so go get it.
Who gives a shiny shite what they all think?
Just get yourself some help. Do not martyr yourself because he's a dickhead.
(((((HUGS)))))

It's fine to message him and day you are physically unwell today and you need him to come and help. Factual and to the point. He does bloody well need to come and help-he can out his existential crisis on hold for a day or two. When and if he comes you can go to bed and leave home with the kids apart from feeding dd2.Its no reflection on your ability to cope. You have two tiny kids and you are going through a traumatic time.Anyone would need help.
Bloody ignoring texts about the kids. It makes me livid on your behalf. You give up the right to go that if you are any kind of parent.He needs to grow up.

I text him this morning after he ignored my message last night saying "Please respond to my messages. Ignoring me isn't conducive to a good relationship either way". He didn't respond. I've tried calling him numerous times and he hasn't answered. I've sent him a text saying he needs to call me. His step dad is popping over this morning to bring DDs medicine. I don't know if I should try talking to him. I don't care about me but I don't want my DCs fucked about like this. His step Dad will not be impressed at him not stepping up as he took over from where his dad left.

Definitely talk to his step dad.
Let him know he is ignoring all your messages.
You need help and that needs to come the girls father!
I'm sorry he's still ignoring and short of finding him and slapping him to wake up and smell the coffee, there's not much else you can do.

Def tell his step dad hes not been seeing the girls and is now ignoring your messages about them.

Hope you feel better soon

Absolutely tell the step dad.there isn't an excuse for not answering stuff re the kids.Whatever he's bloody doing, wherever he is, it isn't more important.

The thing is, he doesn't know what I'm trying to call him about but he knows that DD2 had a chesty cough yesterday so for all he knows she has become more ill and that's what I'm calling about. Fortunately that's not the case this time but it's not to say it wouldn't be another time. We are both well aware that a hospital admission is always a very real possibility. I will speak to his step dad. Hopefully he'll be receptive.

Is there a chance he's stayed with OW last night? Hence the minimal replies and ignored calls. It could be an emergency regarding the girls.
Sorry to hear you're feeling shitty today. Perhaps it's because he has now left his airbnb that you're feeling unsure of what's happening again?? It all feels uncertain, unclear and confusing?

I know it will be hard but I really think you should both go out in a quiet corner on a pub and talk without the girls. No distractions and try to thrash a few things out.