Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I'm ok thanks. My husband is different blames me for all the stress and idolises the girls - I'm not sure which one worse. We are living in same house ignoring each other mostly - any attempt to talk or properly engage ends in an argument to which he runs to a hotel for s night or two and waits for me to ask him back to help with the girls. I've told him split or counselling because I just need to move on from this crapness all the time. At Christmas he promised he'd book counselling but never did. Apparently he sent an email to a counsellor last night ask for an app but we'll see. I think you are doing so well - I'm just too exhausted I couldn't look after girls alone hence why he knows if he waits long enough I will ask him round/back to help out and we continue on. He's still talking about job abroad. He's so angry with me.

I'm really hoping counselling will help. I think men's experiences with baby's being sick etc get completely swept over. He's been totally screwed up by it all - all the drs/counselling help etc has all been focused on me. I was vocal and asked for help while he just stood in figurative corner and quietly got messed up. perhaps I'm being too excusing of his awfulness towards me (verging towards emotionally abusuve at times) but like you I just know the man he used to be and I want our marriage to work for the long term sake of the girls.

I completely understand that sunshine. I hope he is willing to engage in counselling and that he finds it helpful. Does he have insight into his own mental health? Or is he just agreeing to do it because you want him to?

Our lives do seem to be very parallel! Were yours premature also? Or has it been illness? Understand if you don't want to say.

If it came to it you could cope on your own. I never thought I would be able to. I barely coped when he was there but a weird power comes over you when you have to do it and it's actually given me a huge confidence boost to know what I can do this on my own. And I never even used to leave the house when I had the two of them on my own as the thought just brought up too much anxiety. I have proved to myself that I don't need him, which doesn't mean to say I wouldn't want him in my life but at least I know that if we do work through it I would be taking him back for the right reasons, not out of necessity.

He sent me a text asking how the DDs are. I replied and told him DD2 has got a chesty cough, runny nose and crackly chest and she's crying most of the time. DD1 went to sleep late and woke up early and she's been agitated and emotional the last few days.

Of course he hasn't responded! I hadn't noticed before that when the response is anything less than "they're fine" or "just a bit tired" he doesn't respond. It's either that he can't cope with the tricky stuff, it elicits anxiety or fear. Or he just thinks "thank fuck I'm out of that".

It sounds like you've both been through an awful time. Reading your post conjures up memories and emotions for me. I think that's the thing, it's always there and reading someone else's experience triggers your own feelings. I don't see how they can be completely immune to that.

What you said about the appointments reminded me of something - he always used to come to every one of DD1s appointments with the consultant. He never came to any of DD2s. And then two days before I found out about the cheating DD1 had an appointment with her consultant, which was the first one since she had pneumonia and the other hospital admissions and he didn't come. I said to him the day before and he said he'd speak to work about going in late but he apparently forgot. Little did I know that he had taken flexi that afternoon to go out with OW. Yet he couldn't go in to work an hour or so late to come to DD1s appointment. I think that alone shows the massive change in his behaviour. And the difference in his involvement with DD1 compared with DD2.

Yes massive change. He really let you down.

It was also said to us - you are two people drowning - drowning people can't save each other. You are swimming now despite what he's done to you.

Using that analogy then - I don't know what would or could save him. He needs to do it himself but he can't see that there's anything wrong. He knows his actions have been wrong but all he can say is "he wasn't happy". He should be exploring that and trying to work out why we wasn't happy. And having children was not the cause of his unhappiness as he has been a father for 3 years and he hasn't always been unhappy. Unfortunately everyone around him can see what's going on better than he can. But he's not willing to hear it.

*he wasn't happy, not we.

It's over 2 hours since I replied to his text about the girls. Why bother asking me if you don't give a shit about the response? It's not typical, of him or I think of anyone, to hear that one of your children is unwell and miserable with it, the other one has had a bad few days and neither of them are sleeping well and for your response to be...nothing. It's not just me is it? If it was me I'd respond to find out exactly how unwell DD2 is, does she need to see a doctor? And why is DD1 emotional, is it maybe the separation that is affecting her? Is there anything we can do to make it easier for her? Does she seem okay health wise (she usually gets very emotional before she gets a chest infection). But no, apparently the correct response is nothing.

I don't know - I guess we are in danger of excusing him too much. And yes I don't think you can be the person to save him.
Sorry I've not had time to read the rest of your thread yet. When was his dad diagnosed? It was explained to us that with ptsd sometimes it can lie dormant until an event sets it off. I guess your sil is your best person to talk to? Your poor dd must be really confused with what's going on and miss her dad. When my oh goes to a hotel for a night or two after we've been rowing she gets so upset and misses him. She's not old enough to fully understand it though.

I guess just do what you've been doing and hope he sorts himself out (for the children) and then like you say make a decision as to whether you want back or not. The ow not being in the picture is an obvious deal breaker/maker.

And like I say I can only admire your strength -I couldn't do it. You've two sick children and your oh cheated on you and then bailed out - and you're coping - that's doing so so well.

His Dad was diagnosed the beginning of January. He has no relationship with his Dad. He went to see him about 2 years ago when they thought his Dad wouldn't make it then. He mainly went to support his sister. At that point his Dad didn't know that we were married or that we had DD1. He told him and his Dad shouted at him. His Dad can't see what he did wrong, he doesn't understand why he doesn't want a relationship with him, and that's the problem - he can accept no responsibility for what he did (sound familiar?) He said he only saw him that time because he didn't think he would make it and the fact that he did meant his Dad wanted to build a relationship and see DD1. When he got the terminal diagnosis, I asked him what he felt and he said nothing, he said "I know it sounds awful, when you hear your Dad is going to die you should have a reaction but I don't feel anything". I asked if he would go and see him and he said if he did it would only be for his Dad. He said if he knew he was going to die imminently then he would see him but he didn't want to see him again for his Dad to think that meant he wanted a relationship for what little time he has left (they don't know how long, could be months or even possibly years - he has a heart condition that can't be treated and next time something happens that will be it). I think it was at that point that he shut down from everything else. And three weeks later he went away with work, came back and said he missed his old life, shouldn't have had kids and then we're at the beginning of this thread!

OP just wanted to say that I totally get what you mean about DCs being ill. I have the same issue with mine. Think it's part of them being completely detached from it all. When my DC have been ill recently I will get a message from STBXH asking how they are. Normally around lunch time. But the only reason he appears to ask is because he needs to know whether he will get to see them that night for their visit. The man I married would have messaged as soon as he arrived at work to ask how DC was if he left before they woke. One time he asked if DC was well enough to go to his so he knew what to do with the meal he had prepared! Doesn't get much more caring than that.

It's so odd how people can change so extremely. He still hasn't arranged to see them. DD1 was asking for Daddy this morning and the other night she woke up sobbing in the evening but couldn't tell me what was wrong, the next day she said it was because she wanted her Daddy. I hate that he's doing this to her. And when he does see her he's not even nice to her. She's lost him too.

I've had to contact his Mum as some of DDs medication got left at her house and I've had enough for now but I need it soon. I mentioned that he said he would bring it over when he sees the DDs but as he hasn't made any arrangements I'd just do it myself - no acknowledgement from her of that and she didn't even ask about them. I find that really odd, especially when you know that one DD is ill, why would you not ask about your grandchildren?

His mum is probably trying to get her head around all that too. Plus you don't know what he as told her.
Unfortunately, I wouldn't rely on her support or her looking interested. By any mean, keep the contact open but don't expect anything iyswim

I absolutely wouldn't rely on her for support. I'm just surprised that she hasn't asked about her grandchildren. I think she's pissed off that I've said for now she should see the children when he has them - mainly because she was defending him to me and I don't need or want to hear that. But that should be a reason to ensure that he sees his kids because if he doesn't, she doesn't.

I'm so sorry for what he's putting you and your girls through. It's one thing to deal with the loss of your marriage but quite another to watch your children lose their father. And I fear that his parents are also detaching from the girls too. It's shocking and unfair.

I can see that he is tying you up in knots with his rewriting of history. She " made me " get married / have kids / have another kid and now that's inconvenient to me and I regret my choices I can blame it all on HER. And I can do anything I want because " I was unhappy ".

You have now noticed that he behaved totally differently with DD2s health problems to DD1. So you KNOW it wasn't about her and it's wasn't about you. It was about HIM, he was already detaching from her and from you, probably because this or another woman was on the scene.

This isn't a sudden change that's overcome him, he's not ill and he's not having a breakdown. The problem is his very large sense of entitlement which allows him to walk out his kids when he's got something better to do . And of course because you will always pick up the pieces .

He is more attentive to you now ( than the kids ) because he can feel that you are growing away from him. He wants to keep you sweet because he's cake eating. He needs to keep you on the back burner in case things don't work out with OW, or he changes his mind.

He doesn't need to make the effort with the girls because he can always enforce his legal right to see them, regardless of how badly he has treated them. So he can just drop them until it suits him to see them again.

And you are right, it's HIS job to arrange for his family to see his kids when he has them.

And PP are right he needs to stop seeing the kids in your house. It's too confusing for them and upsetting and exhausting for you.

For the most part I'm doing okay. But sometimes it's like a dagger to my heart. I feel winded and debilitated by emotional pain.

Yup that's normal I'm afraid. Next you will become really REALLY angry. And you will wonder how it's possible to hate someone that much.

Then MNers will tell you that the best revenge is living well.

It's too early to establish a relationship away from him with his mum. If she is a decent person though you will both get there. She is having to reconcile what she thought she knew about him and his family and what he has done.

I am not making excuses. I have been through the same....