Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Ha no!

He's totally in the wrong for hurting and opting out on your partnership. I just know how much strain the sicknesses put us on us and i wonder what you two would be like if you could just jet away on holiday together with no stress (totally not possibly I know!).

Our counsellor said we were still in the trauma - still sick kids, still visiting drs all the time, still no sleep, still suffering the impact of it all - it strikes me given the sound of your winter and your pil's news that you are the same.

I'm not at all excusing him. Cheating never excusable in my eyes.

I do still love him but to be honest, the more time that goes on the less I'm caring. Based on the way he's behaving. He has said that we're "taking time to think about what we both want". But I can't decide I want to be with him unless he decides he wants to be with me and then it would be dependent on what actions accompany that. I could, however, decide to give up and walk away in the meantime.

As for counselling, he's just not in a position to be receptive to that suggestion at the moment, or any suggestion for that matter. I have tried getting angry at him, I've tried appealing to him to make him see what he's doing, I've tried letting him see how hurt I am, I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried shocking him (saying about another hypothetical man raising his children). And nothing gets through to him. There is no reaction or emotion to anything, other than anger.

Something I thought today is that in the arguments leading up to the separation he said "when we got back together 7 years ago I told you I wasn't sure if I wanted children because I was worried I'd end up feeling like this". But 7 years had passed, he decided he did want children and for 3 years of fatherhood he didn't feel that way. So clearly his opinion changed. He said of that time, a couple of months afterwards, that he had been depressed. So the fact that he is feeling that way again now, and especially as he is unable to see that he hasn't always felt this way, indicates to me that he is depressed. Everyone - friends, my family, his family can see that at a minimum he is suffering from depression and there is possibly something greater going on (PTSD?) BUT he can't see that, and his sister has tried to say something but he shut her out and now they're all to scared that they'll all be shut out if they push it further. So no one is saying anything. Even if it is depression, it doesn't excuse any of his behaviour, however, depending on if/how he were to deal with it - seek help, self reflect, bury his head in the sand - I may see the situation differently down the line. Or down the line, I may have stopped caring altogether.

No, I get where you're coming from sunshine. And I appreciate your alternative perspective because it does ring very true of what I think is happening.

He never sought counselling after their births. I did, both times, and I think that anyone who experiences such trauma should be offered it. But unfortunately the NHS can't afford that and even Bliss now don't offer the free counselling sessions like they used to.

Please don't let him blame you - with regard to the children. It's almost as if he won't commit to doing anything to try and make your marriage work but won't write it off forcing your hand. Then he can sit back and say ' well it wasn't me that made the decision'. So all in all he is being a coward.

Yes I agree. In the same way as he keeps blaming me him not being here because I "kicked him out" without giving him the chance to talk or explain. I asked him what he would have said if I'd given him the chance and he said he doesn't know! But it's an easy way to blame me isn't it, rather than just accepting that it's his actions that have lead to this.

It wasn't you op, he broke your marriage vows when he did what he did. You have never broken them. I think while he knows that you want to work things out he won't really know what it would be like without you (if you didn't want him) he seems very confused , it's not fair on your family. Hope your ok op x

I agree Stef. He still asks me where I've been, who I was with, what I'm looking at on my phone. Not in a controlling way, just in the chatty way we always did and I don't think he gets that he can't/shouldn't do that anymore. When he has the kids he sends me photos of them. I don't send him any photos anymore. DD2 has just moved in to her proper cot and I haven't told him that. Both DDs had their first bath together, I didn't tell him. DD2 went on a swing for the first time, I didn't tell him. It's the kind of stuff you share with your partner, now I just share it with my parents instead. He chose not to have this anymore, he doesn't get all of the good bits whilst having no responsibilities. It's all or nothing. Obviously I do tell him the stuff he needs to know, but not the little cute things they do or the first time DD2 does something or something funny DD1 says. Why should I?

I'm a bit annoyed at myself, I was being more ambivalent towards him. Not rude, answering questions about the girls but not saying anything about what has happened, what will happen and waiting for him to contact me. But I had to check the bank statement before I went to do the shopping and there were some transactions which I needed to ask him about, they are innocent but it opened up a conversation and I've now asked him things I'm not even sure I want to know the answers to yet - about what happened and if it's still happening. And of course he hasn't replied to that text, all of the others he did. So I guess that answers that.

Now I feel really pissed off with myself for texting him because I'm now constantly checking for a response. His lack of response tells me enough but I know when I get a message through from him my heart will jump into my mouth in anticipation of what he'll say. I'm annoyed at him for not replying but I'm annoyed at myself for engaging in conversation and creating this situation for myself which makes me feel vulnerable.

Don't be annoyed at yourself - be annoyed at him.
I'm sorry he's still hurting you.

Oh god. It's making me crazy. I've had a glass of wine which isn't helping matters and I saw he was active on FB messenger so I sent him a message saying if you're active on here you could reply to my text. Why am I such an idiot? I know that contacting him in anyway just makes me feel more vulnerable and shit. But I feel so vulnerable and shit that it makes me want to contact him.

Hope you're Ok OP.

I think it's unfair the situation he has you in as you're in limbo. Maybe it's time to start taking control yourself and telling him YOUR plans for YOUR future

What peaches said.
I think you probably aren't going to get the truth for a while if at all-im sorry to say. Maybe he is confused.Maybe he's having his cake and eating it.Either way neither of those states are a good enough offer for you and your girls really.

I know. And I have been doing that. Today I have been thinking that actually, whatever happens it will be okay. That I will be okay on my own. And in the future hopefully I will be okay with someone else too. I suppose today I have had a certain amount of hope which I haven't had previously. But at the same time, I know that tomorrow my stance could change and I may not see it the way I can now. I also need to see how far I've come in a relatively short time. I have a lot of support to cope but I am coping. His involvement in our lives is just causing more confusing and inconsistency at the moment. And I was doing really well with just getting on with things, just worrying about me and he girls and not giving much time or thought to what he's doing and putting no emphasis on that. But today it was just the way the conversation went.

He still hasn't come to me with when he would like to see the girls which really pisses me off. Today DD2 has a cold and cough. He asked how they were this morning and I told him that, he asked if there was anything he could do and I said no. Later he text to ask how she was, I told him that she wasn't great and wouldn't stop crying. He didn't respond to that but when I text him about transactions in the joint account an hour or so afterwards he responded straight away. He seems far keener to discuss me and us than he does to discuss our children. And while on the one hand it's like he's rejecting them and not me, on the other hand he IS rejecting them and not me. As much as I don't want to be rejected, him rejecting my children, even though they're his as well is just as hurtful. In fact, more so.

He really switches off as soon as you say they are ill doesn't he? PTSD sounds possible.

I think there are too many excuses being made for him.

I think he sounds like a complete arsehole. You can't force him to care for the children. Don't listen to his words listen to his actions. His actions to me are telling you he doesn't want to be a proper dad for now. You are right to stop forcing it...the more you are writhing about him the more I think he is untrustworthy. At the beginning I thought he had just messed up big time with the OW but as it has continued it's like he doesn't actually regret his actions because he isn't fighting for his family. I'm sorry if I sound harsh. You are a fantastic mother you can tell from your posts how much you care and love your children. Yet he can't call over and see his sick child... that says it all.

Peaches com not making excuses for him - it's just he watched his dd1 nearly die, his dd2 has been constantly such, his dad is about to die. The op has had depression and post traumatic stress from just the first two, despite counselling. Her oh experienced the same events yet had no impact on him at all?

I agree the cheating not forgiveable though.

Sick not such

I agree with other pp, whatever is going on with him you need to focus on yourself - what you want, things that make you happy, things that would make it easier for you to cope.

I agree with you Sunshine. And I do appreciate the alternative perspective, a lot of what you're saying is what I've thought and I think you have that insight that I do in to how much our experiences have impacted us. That's not to say that what you and I think is definitely right, but it's good to know that what I'm thinking isn't so ludicrous that it couldn't even be considered to be possible. BUT, with that said, any trauma, depression or other emotional difficulty doesn't excuse his behaviour and cheating on his wife who has/is also suffering from the same trauma and depression is not an acceptable way of dealing with it. There is also the argument that if that is the case, he needs to take responsibility for his problems and deal with them appropriately by seeking help rather than going on a self destructive path that has consequences for those around him.

I am getting by day to day. I've blitzed the house and rearranged things. I'm doing what needs to be done and finding my new normal. I don't want to make my future dependent on him but unfortunately it is. I can't decide if I want to be with him until/unless he decides he wants to work on it and does the right things. And only if he reached that point would I be able to make a decision. If he does enough wrong then I will decide not to wait to that point. Or I may come to that conclusion on my own anyway. But I'm not there yet. At this stage I'm not ready to walk away but I'm unable to make a decision. So all I can do for now is get by day to day which is what I am doing and each day gets easier and easier. And each day I care about him less and less. As I said before, this is my outlet so while I may appear weak and vulnerable on here, that's not an accurate reflection of how I am day to day. A lot of people have commended me on how well I am doing, how strong I have been and how much they admire me for it. And I think that pisses him off even more - he wanted me to crumble while he copes impeccably with his new life of freedom and independence. I may not have the same freedom that he does but I am coping better on my own than even I thought I would. And he just seems lost and completely removed from his old life and reality.

I think this sounds likely of PTSD too.

His intentions are always to ask about the girls, see how they are, you are, etc etc but the second you reply with anything remotely negative or challenging (poorly, upset or crying DD's) he backs off again. He's unable to contribute.

Then the blame sets in. He blames you for almost creating a Molly coddled child when DD1 is crying rather than accepting that she's three, and most three year olds struggle to under all social situations (I mean how old is he and he's struggling with it too!).

DD2 has almost exercabated the whole situation by coming along and making it too much for him to cope with. So he's checked out of the whole situation by throwing himself into OW and again blaming you for 'not really wanting children' but happily making them and then 'wanting time out to socialise/ have his own time' because putting said DD's that he happily made to bed each evening wasn't fun anymore.

I absolutely respect how you've dealt with the whole situation OP. I have followed this from the beginning and you should be SO proud of yourself for this. I hope whatever happens in months and years to come you will always have this thread of a reminder of this awful time and how bloody well you've handled it.

I completely agree that you should not be keeping him informed with every little update on their little lives until he is able to provide some concrete days and times when he's able to have/ see them rather than his selfishness again deciding on the day with how he's feeling and what he's up to- I only hope it's not when he's got nothing better to do! If your DD's were older they would want and need better stability than that and would be asking you which day they would next be seeing daddy so he has the easy ride in that they're too little to understand time frames.

Here's hoping you have a good day today! ❤️

Totally agree with you and think you are doing amazingly.

Thank you paperdoll. I agree with you. I think that DD2 was the straw that broke the camels back. And DD1's behaviour became more challenging around the same time - she's stubborn and defiant, which is difficult to deal with but I think those traits will get her far so I think I don't see them as entirely negative traits, she just needs to be taught how to use them properly. Stubbornness isn't a good thing, but knowing what you want and fighting for it is. But she's 3 and as her parents it's down to us to teach her that. Anyway, I think it all became too much for him and he saw her as being difficult and he didn't know how to handle it, and DD2 just wanted me and he felt he couldn't deal with her or make her happy because she's breastfed and so he ran away instead.

As for asking about the DDs - he does that since I pulled him up about the fact he wasn't. I found it shocking that he could go a day without asking about them. That he could wake up and not wonder how they were. His answer was that I was so angry at him he didn't want to speak to me. But he was still speaking to me, we were texting every day. And I don't care if I'm getting on with someone or not, if they have my children I would not let anything stop me from asking them about them. If he didn't want to speak to me he could have asked his mum or sister to contact me instead. So, since I pulled him up on it, he does ask how they are and I always answer. And yesterday when I told him they weren't sleeping well he asked if I wanted him to take them for the night so I could get a break, no, I want you to take them for the night because you want to spend time with them, not to "help me out". He seems more attentive to me than he is to them. I do think that the children are the problem, at least in his skewed mind at the moment. If it has been their births, their illnesses and the general exhaustion from having children that has lead him to feel this way then I can sort of understand why he "blames" them for the way he's feeling. But that's just not fair. And there's no getting away from it. He can choose not to be my husband but he can't choose not to be their Dad, and I get the impression at the moment he would rather it was the other way. But with that said, cheating doesn't make sense. Unless it genuinely was a "result of his unhappiness" and at that point he just didn't care about anything and so his path of self destruction lead him there without considering the consequences (as he claims).

How are you doing sunshine?