Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I'm definitely doing a card from them. I might get him some chocolates or something else generic. They're too little to choose anything but DD1 at least understands that at birthdays you give/receive presents so it would be right to get him something basic for her sake.

There's a really petty thing that pisses me off - every time he has them I wash and sterilise the bottles for DD2. When I come back I always come back to both bottles dirty and any bottles which have had breastmilk from the freezer just left dirty on the side. If I said anything it would make me look petty and as though I was picking a fight over something minor but it really irritates me. Why just leave it for me? The other day when I came back their dirty clothes that he'd changed them out of were just left on the floor. They're small things but it's the complete lack of consideration it shows. Like I say, I won't say anything but grrrrrr!

But I think you should say something about that-politely but firmly.Its a piss take-you are already leaving the house to accommodate him, why should you clean up after him whilst he is there too?

Op - I came across this thread on active and apologises I don't have time to read the whole thread but got the gist. I wanted to post because I've seen you on the chikdrens health boards (i name change) and your story is almost identical to mine.

We also had a very sick baby, suspected sepsis, heart failure, life support that sort of thing and then the ongoing various minor and moderate illnesses and constant follow up drs appointments that seem to go with these once very sick children.

It puts a unique pressure on a marriage.

My oh and I are also at the point of separating - in large because of the pressure on us. It's polarised us. We didn't experience it equally. Some parts of the trauma yes but others we had such difference experiences (me in hospital wards, battling the system, no sleep, missing out on motherhood as it was meant to be), him the financial pressure and going to work. We also dealt/deal with the stress in different ways - I research and dive in and he likes to deny and minimise her illnesses (to the extent that he's refused to take her to the dr several times as he's said she was sick when she had a raging urine infection, he'll also avoid consultants apps (work an easy excuse) and never talk about any of it with me.

Point is we both suffered stress and it's impacted our marriage terribly.

We were offered trauma counselling by the hospital but it was only 1 or 2 hours so not much they can do in that time.

My husband is behaving awfully and I think he's in the midst of depression- he also wants an escape from it all - talking about taking a job abroad and commuting 3 days a week.

I'm trying to get him to counselling but he just says the problem is me not him. I'm asking him to separate as the arguemebts not good for the children and TBH the marriage is just pants and I don't know how to fix it.

Sorry no real advice and apologises if I've missed obvious things in your thread. Just wanted to sympathise. Having s sick child is like putting your life in a washing machine - everything gets mixed up and thrown about.

Say something. That's just more disrespect. You do all the cleaning and he's Disney dad.
No. No. No.
Seriously tell him.

Is it really worth the hassle though? I wonder if he's doing it intentionally so that I have a dig at him and it gives him more ammunition to get angry at me.

Sunshine I will PM you. I'm sorry you're going through a shitty time in your marriage as well. You're right that the pressure it puts a marriage under is extreme. People said to me after DD1 that if we could survive that we'd survive anything - they were saying it retrospectively as a complement to how strong our relationship was. But just today I was thinking, we didn't survive that. I think it's all stemmed from that, at least it plays a big part. The stuff with his Dad is also a big factor I think. It's horrible to say it, and I can't remember if I've said it in this thread already, but my theory is that it's the kids he doesn't want, not me. And that's not to say he hates our children, at least I don't think deep down he does, he just can't handle them. When DD1 came out of NICU I had panic attacks whenever she cried. I was so scared I was going to break her. I wonder if that's the way that he feels now. DD1 has been in hospital 2 or 3 times since October and DD2, although only admitted once, has had back to back infections. When DD1 had pneumonia (October) and I said I thought she was ill enough to take to A&E and he said I was over-reacting. Less than 24 hours later they were considering admitting her to PICU because of how ill she was. After that I said to him "don't you ever tell me I'm over-reacting again". I wonder if that experience unsettled him, that if it was down to him he wouldn't have taken her, so maybe now he feels that he's going to break her. It's one theory out of many that I have. Anyway, I will PM you when I get a chance as it seems we really are experiencing similar things.

It's not his house so he doesn't feel that he has to make any effort. After all they are your bottles aren't they??

Depending on how fierce you are atm, you might decide to have a word or not. But the best solution will be when he will see the dcs out of your house and in his (or where ever he will decide to take them) and eat wth his own bottles etc... (Please do not send any, they will come back dirty!)

I know this is bad in itself but he's so fucking disorganised when it comes to preparing for feeds that I worry that he wouldn't sterilise the bottles if I left it to him. (I also can't remember what age you have to sterilise until, I need to look that up). I don't really think this is something that is new. I will be fair to him and say that he did more than his fair share around the house - all of the cooking, lots of washing and cleaning. But when it came to bottles he frequently wouldn't clean them. There were times he would do the rest of the washing up and leave bottles. I have no idea why.

If my own DH is anything to go by, because following what you are saying needs doing feels controlling (even though it's just basic stuff such as strerilizing)
Because he didn't want to take any responsibility in it
Because he has convinced himself he doesn't know (the same that he told me he couldn't put a washing to go as we had a new washing machine. Instructions were in front of him. He is an engineer...) so he doesn't have to do it.
.....

Thinking back. When she was admitted that time (October) he went in with her as I was at home with breastfed DD2. When I went in in the morning, he was being really harsh with DD1. She hadn't slept and was pretty much hysterical. She was sobbing about unimportant things. She was so exhausted and every time she dropped off to sleep someone would come to do something else (take the blood, give a nebuliser etc). She was distraught and completely inconsolable. She is very wary of doctors and anytime anyone came she would sob "I want my Daddy" even though she was on his lap - she was disoriented. Anyway, when I got there (she still had a dummy at this time) she kept saying "I want to wash my dummy, I want to wash my dummy". He had a go at her and took the dummy out of her mouth and said "stop making that noise and you can have your dummy back". I pulled him up on it and said he was being harsh and he said "I haven't had any sleep and I've had this all night". I think that was the first time I saw him be like that with her. And in the weeks of arguments (leading up to this separation) he was constantly getting at her. And although he only sees her once or twice a week now, he still gets at her. She's three years old and really silly things are important to her, but they ARE important to her. A small example - she has Scarlet Fever and the skin on her toe has started peeling. She's very funny about stuff like that and she has insisted on wearing a sock (it's silly but who cares, no skin off my nose). She went up to him with her sock and he was irritated by something else so said to her "you've got a sock! Great! Now go in the other room." I explained to him what she was doing and then said to her to come to me and I'd put her sock on. They're small things but these are not the behaviours of a rational person. And they are also not the behaviours of the man I married. He loved that little girl to bits, he doted on her and she had him wrapped around her little finger. They had the most perfect bond. But something has happened and he has changed completely, not just with me but with her as well. In fact, more so with her. And she's such a happy little girl. Despite all she's been through she is always smiling and makes everyone else smile too. Yes, she's 3 and she can be hard work, and I'm no saint, I do snap too. But I usually snap at the end of a very long and trying day and then feel immediately guilty for it. He snaps after 10 minutes with her and is then adamant he's right. The way he's been with her I do think we're better off without him. But I don't know what make him like that.

How utterly horrible. It doesn't matter what's made him like this; he's not just being impatient, that sort of behaviour is plain nasty.

Iwasagirl the professional advice is now (so I'm told by my DDs) is sterilise to one year old. In "my day" was 6 months. My friend's DD gave up when she was sterilising at the sink and turned round to see her little crawler licking the floor.... perhaps STNXH can use some disposable bottles if such a thing exists (not very eco but might avoid food poisoning). I'm no lawyer but I'd have thought you'd have a case for saying no unsupervised access until he can act like an adult.

The problem is that he only behaves this way in front of me. Or so I'm lead to believe. I mentioned it to his sister and I was told that he's brilliant with them when he's around his mum or sister which implies that I'm the problem. But it's easy to put on a front for a few hours, especially when they're taking responsibility for dealing with DD1. It would be entirely my word against his and it would be seen that I'm trying to make things difficult for him, it would cause animosity and generally make things more difficult, possibly for the children as well. I just don't know how to handle it. When I pulled him up on it before he just said that I'm constantly criticising him. He thinks I'm too soft on her and I pander to her.

Last night she woke up about 9pm sobbing uncontrollably. She was so upset I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong. She's only ever like that when she's ill so I was concerned. He had sent me a text a while earlier asking how they were today so I replied and also told him how upset she was and it's like when she's ill. He didn't respond. I just got a text this morning asking if she went back to sleep okay. He's just completely devoid of emotion. If I got a text like that from him I'd be asking if she was okay and if he wanted me to do anything - call, FaceTime, come to her. I probably wouldn't sleep properly because I'd be worried about her. It's like he doesn't give a fuck. I had visions of him being too busy fucking someone else to respond.

I honestly don't know how men can just shut off like they do.
It makes not sense to us. We would do anything for our DC.
They are not the same (some of them)
My ExH moved to Europe when he left.
Promised to come back and see her every 4-6 weeks.
He never came back.
I was the one getting her to airports, paying for her flights to ensure she could still see him.
So many of them really can just switch off.
And he wonders why now she doesn't want anything to do with him.

I hope you have an OK day today.
One foot in front of the other.
Keep going.

I don't understand how these people are the way the are. Especially when they gave no indication that they were like it previously. How can someone change so much?

I've no idea either.
Def one foot in front of the other.
Can you plan something nice for yourself today even if it's a takeaway when the girls have gone to bed?
I don't understand how people can be so cold

Can you also get your oh to take your eldest out somewhere at the weekend (or a day off) - like a farm or swimming? It sounds like they could both benefit from some extra bonding time?

Do you think he still has ow?

I think it's all just too much effort for him. And I'm done chasing him now. Every time he's seen them over the past 2 1/2 weeks has been instigated by me which I said I wouldn't do. On Saturday I told him I wanted a plan of when he intends to see them for the remainder of the month as I know he's working the next two weekends. He said he would do it that night. That was the last I heard. I've had no plan and no mention of it. He has no existing arrangements to see them. I'm not asking him again. It's time that he got his arse in gear and put his kids first. And if he doesn't then I, and his family, will know exactly the kind of person he is. With that said he asked if wanted him to have them tonight so I could get some sleep as they're both a bit unwell and sleeping badly. I said no because he wasn't saying "I want to see my children" he was saying it to help me out and I don't need any favours from him. Besides, when they're not well I don't want to be away from them. I never want to be away from them but especially if they don't feel great.

He has said no re OW. He said he's been in contact with her, she knows that we've separated but he apparently hasn't seen her. I asked why not and he said "it didn't seem right with everything going on". I said it was never right!! I don't know whether to believe him or not. I sort of have no reason to but I don't know why he'd lie at this point because he's not saying he wants to come back anyway.

It sounds like you are both completely stressed out.
I could be very wrong but I see this ow as a symptom of his breakdown rather than him being a serial cheat

I don't know what to suggest other than try and get him to counselling again.
He's not saying he wants to come back but do you think this is more of a break/breather in his eyes? Your posts make me so sad as it comes across that you still love him and care for him deeply despite what he's done to you.

Sunshine - are you him in disguise? This has been his favourite saying - "cheating was a result of my unhappiness, not the cause of it". I get what he's saying but I don't know whether to believe it.

He is a grown up - an adult and he is totally responsible for his own happiness.
My Ex has given me this crap.
We were getting stale etc...
Yeah, all the porn and wanking and trying it on with OW (plural) is the reason he went stale on me.
Nothing more than that!!!