Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Stop inviting him into your house! Learn from this that it's not working. No matter how logical it looks on paper for you to give up your own home, there is a reason why this isn't 'a thing' and why you don't here of loads of people doing it.

Stop letting him take away your only safe space.

And you'll find it a hell of a lot easier.

wannabe - he's got them all day regardless. He's taking them out at 10.30. I know I was in the wrong, but it was a mistake for which I apologised. The bottle sterilising and stuff would have been done if I had been back earlier - I wasn't in this morning so I couldn't sterilise them then as they wouldn't have been sterile this evening if I had done them yesterday. And it wasn't a major change in routine, it is a difference about when we turn the bedroom light off. If bedtime had changed of course I would mention that. Equally, he only told me he would be there around 6pm when I chased him twice for a time this morning, despite me asking him previously to give me times. So I had already planned my day and trying to cram everything in to his timeframe didn't end up working. As I said, I know I was in the wrong but it is one thing that I've done wrong. Plus I've been the one who has been making all of the arrangements for him to see his children, not once has he contacted me to arrange to see them. But that stops now. I will not be chasing him anymore. He needs to tell me when he would like to see them and I will do my best to accommodate it and be on time.

See :) you got annoyed. Work out something that works for you eg he has to give you a weeks notice or you will make every other weekend available and one night for tea a week.

I also agree that as soon as possible he needs to take them and have them at his. You both need your own space. He is in your space at the moment. It cannot continue.

I don't mean this in a patronising way. You can do this but these bits will test you. Don't chase him. Give him boundaries and stick to them like glue.

I've been pushing him to give me notice. I've told him now that I want a plan of when he intends to see them for the remainder of the month as he is working for all of the next two weekends.

He has no alternative place to have them at the moment. He is staying in an airbnb which is just a single room. Plus it's less disruptive for both DDs to still be at home to see him.

I know but that can't last forever. It's not fair on either of you.
I would offer whenever you feel is ok and then say you need 72/48 hours notice and then stick to it. Hopefully you will get in a routine soon.
I didn't mean to upset you but I wouldn't keep saying sorry. This is not your doing.

I know wannabe. You didn't upset me. I suppose I feel the need to apologise so I can't be criticised for any wrong doing. "Sorry" may be an alien word to him but it's not to me.

He is so detached from you.The answers he gives are stalling or really defensive, certainly not that of a man who wants to come home.He doesn't want to feel guilty either, that's clear!

This is what is so difficult, the man that said he loved you has switched off his feelings for you.I don't think it is down to you, not caused by your behaviour however he will make you think it is.How selfish is he to leave such young children, how can he take responsibility for that so he's likely to blame to you.He will believe his version but to others outside he will appear a heartless bastard.

I guess he isn't capable of long term relationships, once he's not getting attention/fawning from his partner he will be looking elsewhere.Only time will show this.

You have done nothing wrong x please don't think you have. He should be bending over backwards to see his girls and making things up to you. The fact he is still acting like a petulant child should tell you a lot.

Why is it up to you to facilitate him seeing his children by leaving your house and your breastfed child overnight? Surely it's for him to organise a way of seeing them that doesn't negatively impact yours and their life? If his mother won't co-operate with this he needs to find another way that doesn't require breaking night time routines and struggling to express milk.
I can't believe your DDs get much out of the experience; surely spending the day with him would at least have a chance of being a positive experience for them, but I know at tnose ages, my dcs loved their dad but needed me at night and would have struggled to settle with him.
You show great strength and insight; you don't owe him anything.

To be honest, he is detached from everything. He has absolutely no emotion to or for anything anymore. Not me, not his children, not his family. In hindsight he has been like this since he found out about his Dad and claimed he had no emotion about it.

I'm not sure you're right about the once he's not getting attention from a partner he gives up. He's never been like that before and I've never lavished him with attention, it was always the other way around. In honestly, he was always the one who was more in to me than the other way around. That's horrible to say but he was always the one who initiated any physical contact. But maybe that's just a difference in us as people.

I've had a really long chat with DBro and DBIL and when I've told them all that has happened they keep saying"he's not okay" or "he's not of sound mind". It's an awful analogy but I did say that there are people who, after years of marriage, suddenly become murderers, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he would have had such an extreme personality transplant. DBro just said I've been watching the crime channel too much.

This morning I was starting to feel very down, quite pathetic, very inadequate and my self esteem and confidence were very low. But this afternoon I took the girls out with the uncles and I was so distracted having a good time that I didn't think about him. And this evening, although I've been talking about him, I don't feel a need to contact him for validation. So I think what I've taken from this is that distraction is key!

Right, it's just gone midnight and I expressed about an hour ago. What time do I set my next alarm for? 3am? 4am? Or do I just let myself sleep until it becomes uncomfortable to sleep with two enormous rocks on my chest (this is the first time in the history of the world that the word "enormous" has been used in relation to my breasts).

Following your story. What an amazing job you're doing. Hope the boobs weren't too sore when you woke. I remember that feeling well!

Thanks Happyland. I slept through my alarm in the night - I must have turned it off without realising. So I ended up sleeping til 10am and going 12 hours without expressing. I can't tell you the agony when I woke up! But I did manage to express over 9oz.

I managed to see him today without arguing. He told me I look good again. I don't know what he hopes to achieve by making these comments. I just ignored it. Both DDs seemed very pleased to see me. DD2 cried whenever I walked away. He was going to stay to get DD1 to bed but she was insistent she wanted me to do it. I think it hit him how much they both want me even when he is an option. He told DD1 off for whingeing. She was just tired and wanted me but I was trying to do her dinner. I came in to the room and spoke to her calmly and made a game of it and she was fine then. I think he realised that I handled her better than he did and it pissed him off but he didn't say anything, he just sat there looking very thoughtful. I don't think he was pissed off at me about it, just that he can't handle them at the moment. Anyway, we got through it without arguing. He asked me what I did today and I was purposely vague. I had to undo my dress to feed DD2 when they got back and he asked me if I wanted him to do it up. No, why would I? He seems to want me to be his wife but doesn't want to be my husband. I have told him the two are mutually exclusive.

I'm back to needing a distraction. I know that it's pointless texting him. I want to push him for answers or information, which I know is pointless, because it won't be forthcoming, he would be evasive, I would then become irritated and I would end up feeling worse than I do now but for the very small chance that he might surprise me, it makes it tempting to text him.

So I need a distraction. What do you do when you need to occupy yourself?

I've watched an awful lot of tv box sets this year op....

could you "lose yourself" in a project when the DD's are asleep?

I started to trace my family tree and got so engrossed in the search that l lost so much time and found it very rewarding/exciting.

That's a good idea. I'll have a think if there's anything I want to get my teeth stuck in to.

DD1 came out with something really random when he was here to collect her for nursery. She asked me what I was going to do today and I told her I needed to put some stuff up in the loft and she said "but the man did it already" I asked her what man and she said "the other man". There is no other man! I'm expecting he'll question me about this later. Children are so weird.

I hope you have a better week this week.
Keep ranting on here. We are listening.

It's his birthday coming up and I don't know what to do. I will get a card from the girls but I won't get him a present. I don't know if I should get a card from me. It seems wrong not to but also wrong to do it.

Put your name on the one from the girls.Thats what I did at first.

Inlector I did the same when dealing with a difficult family issue, it is so absorbing that it stopped me dwelling and turmoiling, definitely a great distraction technique!

That's a good idea nigel. I do feel bad for him because his family don't really do anything for birthdays and I normally make a big fuss - buy and make presents, arrange a day out, a celebration with family in the evening, make a cake. And I don't like the thought of anyone's birthday just passing by, but it's not my place to do all of that anymore. I wonder if I should let DD1s nursery know that it's his birthday and she can make him a card. That way the effort hasn't come from me but it's something a bit more personal. But with that said, he probably won't do anything from them for me for Mother's Day (my parents have already said they'll take the girls to the card shop).

OP have you read and followed nocapes threads on MN? If you go back and follow the breakdown of her marriage a few months ago and then work forward to her recent threads you will see there is hope and life after separation. (And she has 3 children including a baby.) It will also be a huge distraction as there is a lot to read! Forgive me you're already aware, there are lots of other stories under 'relationships' on MN which will inspire you too. Best wishes; I'm rooting for you.

Mo when I split from my H, I made sure that every birthday, every Christmas and every Father's Day he got a card and a cheap gift from the kids. I helped them choose it and wrap it. Just sweets, magazines, mug, socks etc. Never anything from me as he was no longer my husband and definitely not a friend.

He never once did it for me. But I kept going. I didn't want my kids to look back and think I was petty.

Now they are adults they appreciate both what I did and the model it gave them.

If you can bring yourself to do it, I would. For your DCs (not him).