Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

It's good that you are talking now.
You've agreed to have time apart.
What is he doing to help you with the girls?
He needs to step up here.
You are doing so well.
Keep going.

How are you doing? It's taken me a few days to read your whole thread, but I had to post as one micro-preemie mum to another. I completely understand the feeling that you've been through so much after a nicu stay or two, that that shared history is a bond that no one else can ever get, and in a way that's true, a new partner would say 'that must have been so hard' - but they weren't there for the 3am phone calls to tell you to get to hospital now, the hours sat watching the monitors seeing if maybe their breathing is slightly better than yesterday, seeing a baby the size of a travel bottle of coke hooked up to 5 different machines and having their belly measured hourly as a gauge if they're getting sicker. But you know what, other preemie parents get it. There is a huge community of us out there, and like you a lot of us are still dealing with the knock on years later. Please feel free to message me anytime to talk. If you do separate that doesn't take away from what you went through together, your daughters journey will always be incredible, and you will both always be her parents, maybe in a few years you'll both be in a good enough place to talk as friends, as survivors of the experience, but hard times does not excuse his behavior, he made a calculated decision to see someone else, from the sounds of it that's why he wanted an evening a week to himself, to date. It can be hard to move on from a bad nicu journey, like you I had anxiety and PTSD, but you know how strong your daughter is - and so are you - don't excuse his behavior because of what you went through, he shattered your trust, it's for him to move heaven and earth to rebuild it - and for you to decide if it's enough.

I've not been posting on here so much because I feel the opinions are very much swayed one way. I suppose that's fair and right but sometimes it's not what I want or need to hear. For example, when I've posted to say I just can't do it, it's only on here that I'm expressing that because it's a safe place. IRL I'm getting on and being strong for the girls. No one knows what I'm feeling inside. This is the only place that I feel I can be weak, but I've started to feel I can't be. I don't know if that makes sense.

A lot more has happened recently, nothing monumental, just a bit more talking, a few more feelings been expressed, a few more arguments happened. I can't be bothered to go in to the ins and outs of all of them. But I'm starting to feel I need to hold back from contacting him again. That I've said my piece now and if I carry on saying it I'm making myself more vulnerable. I don't want to play games but I don't want to lay my heart open either and I'm not sure what the middle ground is.

You be as weak as you like on here.
That is what it's all about.
I think because so many have been where you are we absolutely understand what you are going through.
You are totally allowed to be strong on the outside but falling apart on the inside.
That's what WE ALL do. It really is.
You are dealing with it all the way YOU need to.
Don't worry about swayed opinions.
We are here for YOU!

Thanks hellsbells. How are you doing?

No too bad thanks.
Have a few men sniffing around but not really quite ready for any of that as yet.

How are your girls coping now?

They're okay. He had them overnight last night for the first time - in our house. DD1 keeps telling me she missed me and DD2 was crying because she wanted her Mummy. DD2 took a bottle okay but she was awake for over 2 hours in the night. She seemed pleased to see me this morning and DD1 definitely was.

At the moment I'm finding the reminders of all of the previous experiences really difficult. Literally everything is a reminder of him.

You make perfect sense and I hope you are getting more rest now and earring better. That will surely help you

I'm struggling quite a bit today, I think I've come to the realisation that what I want is completely unobtainable - to turn back the clock and for this not to have happened. But it has happened and he has destroyed so much that even if we could somehow move forward this can't be erased. It is blindingly obvious but I've still been longing for the past. I hate him for having done this. He said he never wanted to hurt me and he hates that he has. But he still did. He still changed everything I knew and took away everything that was good.

He had them last night so you'd think I should feel less tired but in actuality I probably got about 6 hours sleep as I was awake for an hour in the night expressing and then was up at 6am to express and get back home in time for him to go to work.

I do understand that he was unhappy with the relationship/his life but he seems to blame me and the children tor that which just isn't fair. We are not responsible for his happiness. Obviously if we were doing something awful to make him unhappy then yes, that would be wrong, but we weren't. Nothing changed, just his mood. And it's not fair to externalise that and blame everyone else for his unhappiness.

Fine to be 'weak' on here and not in real life (though that isn't at all how you've come across really-just like
Someone who is understandably shell shocked)
I think if you feel
You've said your piece then the ball is in his court and he needs to think about his response-good to give him
Space to do that-very mature of you as well-lots of people wouldn't be able to under the circs.

And yes-you are right-he is behaving unfairly in how he seems to be blaming you-so he needs to recognise that a bit-do you think he will? I hope so-because then maybe you could potentially move forward and past this if it's what you both want-but he does need to own the situation.

In all honesty, I think he will have a realisation at some point that he has made a mistake, that he has treated all of us unfairly and that he regrets a lot of his actions. Because ultimately he's not a massive dick (obviously aside from the way he is currently behaving). He is not someone to ever shy away from his responsibilities so the fact that he is now is utterly shocking to everyone who knows him. He seems to be in the midst of whatever it is that's caused this change - depression, a breakdown, an affair - and until he comes out the other side (which I believe he will) he can't see what he's done no matter who tells him or how many times he is told. The big question is, when he realises what he's done and assuming he regrets it, what will actually be left when he tries to make amends. How much of himself and his relationships (with me, his children, family, friends) will he have destroyed.

His sister has said she's worried about him and he needs some help. She doesn't think he's mentally well and she tried to speak to him but he shut her off and didn't want to hear it. I contacted her about some concerns I had about the way he is behaving and she said that it's strange because he had been really good when she saw him and basically implied it's me that's causing it. So I've given up trying to talk to her about it now. I suppose I'm starting to detach myself and just try to get on with things and put him out of my mind but that's so difficult when all of his stuff is here and we have children we have to communicate about and while communication can be minimised, there are certain things that are still necessary. DD1 is unwell and so I need to keep him informed about that. And he's coming to take her to the doctor tomorrow. So he's never really physically not there which makes it difficult for him to be mentally not there.

He had the bloody cheek to try and hug me. I just stepped away and told him he can't have everything. He keeps saying he's sorry for hurting me, he never intended to, it wasn't planned etc etc. But he wants to make no attempt to make it any better. Sorry is meaningless if you can't rectify a situation, or make any attempt to make amends.

My ExH hugged me when I finished it after his cheating.
Wanted to stay friends... yeah right.
I hope today isn't too bad for you.
It's a good thing that your girls missed you. You are their primary carer and you will always be their number one.
I hope you are managing to eat and look after yourself.
Keep going. Cry when you can.

It was so weird because we're two weeks down the line and he hasn't tried to make any physical contact before now. He also told me that I look good. I'm sure it's some kind of game he's playing.

I'm so tired today. DD1 has Scarlet Fever so she was up loads in the night, I think she was also a bit unsettled after me not being here the night before. I ended up bringing her in to my bed at 3.30 when I'd been up 3 hours which I never do. But it meant we could all get a bit of sleep.

I understand your feelings, mixed emotions as ideally you wish you could go back but also know your feelings for him will have changed as he has let you down.

I believe his regret and sadness at hurting you is genuine but he sees no other option but to separate so he can be "happy"

I asked stbxh to leave as he was angry at me all the time.He was blaming me for his unhappiness but like you I wasn't being awful to him.It's something within him, an emptiness that can't be filled.Temporarily they may get adrenalin buzz, perhaps thrill of OW but long term they need to address what is going on inside.
This is where emotional maturity should kick in, a willingness to look within themselves for solutions not externally through OW or other people.

I think you've hit the nail on the head Hermonie.

I think he will realise that the happiness he is craving isn't where he expects to find it - in his freedom, external sources, OW - and although he was unhappy with us too (for all of 5 minutes) he will miss the familiarity, closeness etc and will find that living away from us doesn't bring happiness and does bring regret and guilt. And at that point, I think he will want to come back, even without the realisation and sole searching that he perhaps needs to do. BUT, as I said, how far down the line that happens no one knows and equally no one knows where I will be emotionally and mentally at that point.

This is seriously jumping the gun but a massive fear that I have about being on my own is that no one else would want me. I know there's nothing wrong with me per se, I'm not as slim as I used to be but I'm not overweight. I'm not stunning but I know I'm not hideously unattractive. If I make the effort, which I rarely have time for, I look okay. I also don't think I'm an awful human being. BUT, who would choose to go out with someone who has two kids in tow? And where would you even meet someone who would be interested in someone with "baggage". I wouldn't even consider this for a long way off yet, aside from anything else my free time is for sleeping! But when your husband has cheated on you a vindictive part of you thinks "why don't I just go out and do the same" but the answer I have is "who would want to?".

Plenty of people with kids date op, remarry all sorts.
If it comes to that you would be fine, I'm sure.

I know they do, so I know it's a possibility but I just can't see how it could be a realistic possibility for me. Perhaps because it's something that I've never had to consider before.

I keep having dreams about him - the first was that I found out more about the affair, the second was that she ended the affair and last night it was that he was giving indications of wanting to be with me but then told me he was going out with another woman to see if it was what he wanted.

I miss him at the moment which is pretty shit because it makes me want to reach out to him but I know I shouldn't.

You can't imagine it now as you are nowhere near that point-and wouldn't be ready-and that's natural.Plus you've two tinies there-when they are a bit older it might seem more doable.

Is he having the girls this weekend? Will you get time to talk and see where is head is?

He is having them tonight and tomorrow day time.

I don't know if talking is a good idea at the moment but we always seem to end up in a conversation when we're around each other. Yesterday morning when he took DD to the doctors we ended up having a conversation where he was the most like the old him than he has been for ages. I said to him before he left that I have no idea what he's thinking or feeling whereas I have told him - I've basically said how hurt I am, how betrayed I feel, but how I want to at least try to get past that. That's not to say I want to try again, have him move back in and give it another go, but just that I haven't written it off yet, whereas it seems like he has, but then he says he needs time. I don't know, I'm sure it's probably all a case of trying out his new life and seeing if he likes it and if not he assumes he could come right back. I don't know if I could forgive him or trust him so I don't know if that would ever be an option. For me at the moment it's not a definite no and it's not a definite yes. Anyway, when I said that to him he said "why do you always do this just as I'm about to leave?" but then there was no further follow up, no text or anything to say "we will talk about it" so I guess he's just running away from it. Which makes me think that the way he feels is that he doesn't want to be with me which is why he doesn't want to say it. But at the same time I don't think he understands the reality of us not being together. Yesterday I was reading an email on my phone and he asked what I was reading. He asked me the other night where I was staying when he had the kids. He's treating me as though I'm still his wife but he isn't acting like my husband. He doesn't want to let go of me but he doesn't want to stay attached either. It's all a mind fuck.

He's acting like an absolute cock. He's taking the girls tonight, in our house. He said he would get there for about 6 and at 5.15 I text him to say I would be back late as I was still out and ordering DD1 dinner but it hadn't come yet. I apologised and he said it's fine, I text again and said I was really sorry and he said "it's okay, seriously". I ended up getting back about 6.40 which was obviously really late but it was a combination of the food taking ages, DD taking ages to get herself sorted and bad traffic. I kept him informed all the way. DD2 was tired and hungry so I offered to get her down to sleep as it would be quicker than sorting a bottle. He was adamant he would give a bottle. Then when he was upstairs getting DD2 to sleep I could hear her crying continuously and he sent me a text having a go at me for how late I got back and how it was all my fault that he got no time with them and now they're overtired and it's just not on. It really upset me because I know I was in the wrong but I apologised and tried to do my best to sort the situation. It just feels like he picks on the little things I do wrong and says nothing about the big things I do right - like making sure his children are fed, happy and healthy. It's all about how hard it is for him, no matter how hard he's made it for me.

Then he was getting DD1 to bed. (I was still in the house as I was sterilising bottles for expressing overnight). I heard DD1 crying and saying "I want the light on" and him saying "you don't need the light on while you have your milk". I sent him a text to say she's been having the light on when she has her milk and then we turn it off after. It's a change to her routine from when he was there but I didn't even think of it, it's just something I do without giving it a thought. He opened her door and shouted down the stairs "why don't you tell me these things?" and then slammed her bedroom door. It really pissed me off because it's just another thing that he's having a go at me for. It's not my fucking fault that you're missing out on this stuff.

Prior to all of this I said something to him about when will he be going tomorrow because I plan to go back to the house to get housework done and he said around 10.30. I said that I thought he would be gone earlier. It's apparently all my fault because I didn't tell him that and he assumed I'd be having a lie in. I pointed out that it is my home and the only downtime I get is when he has them so I'd like to spend that time in my home. He made some comment so I pointed out that he gets to spend all of his free time on his own doing what he wants, with no bedtime routine, no nighttime wakings and doing everything according to his own schedule. He huffed and I said "what?" to which he said "in just a bit sick of hearing how great my life is!" I said to him "well you got what you wanted".

Not a great encounter with him today. Mainly because he's being a massive bellend.

All in fairness you were in the wrong and even though you know that you need to remove yourself. If he is going to continue to have them there and you have agreed times you need to stick to them. Apologising over and over again says a lot about you as a person (sorry) don't be a doormat!! But..... his times should be respected. He is right to want some awake time with them so be back when he suggested. 10.30? Also the bottle cleaning etc should have been done. He is their dad. Changes in routine need to be explained and not in that way....

I know it sounds like I am 'team bellend' but you need to get used to this and learn to take a step back. It is hard but you will get used to it. Sorry x

He is being a bellend yes.
I hope you get a hit of rest tonight at least op.