Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Do women behave like this too? I know women cheat but I don't know a woman who wouldn't feel enormous guilt at causing so much hurt to another person.

Some women do of course.
The % is much lower though.
The majority of the time it's the 'women' left holding the babies.

Bit no one really has a life outside the family when the family is two very small children.You've just had a baby for gods sake-what did he expect? Of course you want to use free time to sleep, of course you aren't out on the lash.As parents with two small
Kids that's just the way it goes and you suck it up until it eases off as they get a bit older.And you do it together.You don't whinge, blame your wife then go off with another woman.
He just can't use that as a justification.

You will have questions and I actually think you should ask them.why shouldn't he be accountable.The trick for you will be to ask them
Whilst fully expecting him not to give you the full picture.you will
Need to be prepared to try and read between the lines of what he is saying to you.
Im a year on and I haven't got real answers yet but now I'm accepting that I never will.As pp said counselling will help-I've had nearly a years worth and I'm starting to see the wood for the trees-it doesn't take away the problem but it has given me coping mechanisms-not sure where I would be without it tbh.

Ironically I was having CBT which ended a few weeks ago. I knew that I was likely to struggle after DD2s birth as I had after DD1s, so as soon as I felt a bit down whilst still on the postnatal ward I asked for help and got things in place to minimise the impact. The CBT started when DD2 was about 2 months old. It did help to a point but in the end we agreed that I had got as much from it as I could and that I would benefit from some ongoing talking therapy. I have the details of some low cost counselling providers but at the moment I don't know the financial situation to be able to access it. I definitely will in the future though.

Tbh I would just pay for it now and worry about it later... You need it and in the scheme of things it won't be a lot I wouldn't have thought.

I can't believe this is happening. I'm angry at him for causing it but I'm completely overwhelmed by sadness that this has happened. My life was happy. Where did it go?

OP, you are not boring, you are a wonderful person, you have given life to two gorgeous girls, that's an achievement; don't let him ruin that for you; he took an opportunity and never gave you or his girls a thought; he's a cheat, it's in him; he has no switch that says, I am not going to cheat on my wife, otherwise he'd have not, it's that simple.

It's nothing to with you being boring, unattractive, breast feeding, whatever, it's him and him alone; it's his actions, please don't take the blame for what he has done which imo is a massive deal breaker, once the trust has gone, it can't be brought back.

You are doing fantastic, you will have good and bad days, in time, more good days.

Oh god. I can't do this. I'm so sad. DD1 just said she wanted Daddy and I told her he's living somewhere else (which is what we've told her) and then she said to my Mum "Nanny, why is Daddy living somewhere else?"

This can't be happening. I must be hallucinating, it can't be real. Every day I wake up and expect it to be a dream. I don't feel safe or sane. I can't.

Sorry I made a bit of a sweeping generalisation earlier about men doing this. Women do it and I know of one woman who has done this recently and is also following the cheater's script quite perfectly! Guess what I meant earlier was that some of us are wired to know right from wrong. Yes we can all make mistakes but some people know when they are about to cross a line and some don't. Some also know they are going to cross that line and simply don't care! We are the ones that know we couldn't do what our exH/STBXHs have done and can't understand how they can do it to us and DC. We would feel the guilt and shame of it all. But equally there will be men out there who have had wives do it too but like a PP said it doesn't seem to be as common.

I got really upset and spoke to SIL. I couldn't think who else to speak to about it but I'm really worried about the damage he's going to do to his children in the long term. His behaviour is completely out of character. He previously doted on his children, DD1 especially. His behaviour towards them is completely unrecognisable from what it was previously and I am concerned that he's going to hurt them and there's nothing I can do about it. I text SIL as she was on the receiving end of it from their Dad and she loves my DDs to bits so I knew she would want to do anything to help them. Not that it is an excuse and not that she was saying it as an excuse for his behaviour but she thinks he is emotionally unwell, that he isn't coping and hasn't been for a while and that he needs to seek help. She is concerned that if he doesn't he's going to damage every relationship and burn every bridge he has. While I shouldn't care about him and that, I do care because he is the father to my children and he will be in their lives forever. I can see the damage his Dad has done to him and I don't want him doing that to them. I can give them all the love in the world but I can't protect them from the hurt he could cause them if he lets them down. I can't bear the thought of him doing that to them. SIL is going to speak to him, I said don't say that any of it has come from me because he'll be immediately resistant to anything I have said. I don't know if this is the right thing. I'm just trying to do the right thing for my children and I reached out to SIL to try to help me protect them. I imagine this is probably wrong in some way but I just want to protect my babies.

I think that's perfectly natural- the need to protect. But, and with heavy heart, you cannot make him be the father your girls deserve. You cannot make him step up. This is not within your control.
If he has had such an awful childhood and been rejected by his father do you think he would want to subject his own children to that? I wouldn't. He is choosing too do this. Please don't be so desperate to see a reason that you overlook the most likely one.........

I know wannabe. I have to consider and exhaust every possibility for the sake of my girls. If it is just that he's a dick then I can't change that, but if it is that he needs help and I can highlight that to another person that cares then I need to do that for the good of my children. Fuck my emotions, I just want to minimise the negative emotions for my children.

It's only natural that you want to do everything you can to protect DC. Maybe he does need some help or maybe that's just the way he is. I strongly believe my STBXH needs professional help and a lot of what he had done is because of things that happened during his childhood. The problem was STBXH genuinely didn't think he needed help (even after being told so by a marriage counsellor we attempted to see). If he doesn't want help or doesn't think he needs help then it won't matter what you or SIL says to him. Hopefully he will be open to it. But be prepared for him to get very defensive and deflect.

I'm sure he will but at least I've tried.

I am not coping at all well today. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel detached from myself. And I also feel drunk (unfortunately I'm not).

I'm so, so tired. It's 8.30 and I'm still in DD1s bedroom trying to get her to sleep. I've put her blanket over her a thousand times already. I need to eat dinner and maybe sit down for 5 minutes before I go to bed, only to be woken about an hour later for the first night feed. And then at some point in the night I'll probably be up for 2 hours with DD2 refusing to settle and in pain with her continuously feeding on my nipple which has got a gaping cut. Then I'll probably get back to sleep just in time to hear DD1 through the monitor shouting "I need to do a wee wee", at which point my movement to go to DD1 will probably wake DD2. Then I might get my longest stretch of sleep of the night, maybe 2 hours if I'm lucky. And then around 5.30 they'll start waking up and at 6am we'll go downstairs to start another day.

I've just sat this evening and read your whole thread. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to post and say that my parents divorced when I was just under 3 and I really have no recollection of it at all. It was much harder for my sister who is 5 years older than me.
I don't really even have any memories of my parents together so it is possible your daughte will be none the wiser when she is older. I understand she is close to her dad but I imagine what is causing her to be upset/unsettled is more that her mummy is distressed, not her dad. I don't know if that helps a little bit but from reading your posts I could see how it was a real concern for you. Hope you manage to get some rest tonight and even just a slice of toast before bed would help your energy levels. Take care.

Stay strong, we're all rooting for you

I'm just getting in to bed. DD2 woke for a feed. With any luck that means she'll sleep for a few hours when I put her back down and then I can get a decent stretch of sleep early on.

I feel so crap tonight. Really sad. Today has been one of the toughest days. I wish everyone on this thread could magically appear in my house to look after me and my DD. My parents are a massive help but I feel like I always have to put a brace face on for them because if not they'll worry about me more. What I really want to do is crumble and sob under the duvet while someone strokes my head and shushes me. How pathetic am I!

Hope you get that much needed sleep tonight.

Awful night sleep. DD1 was up loads and then woke up at 5.30. I don't know how I'm going to get through today.

You will I promise. Pm me where you are in the uk x

I can't do this. I don't feel in control of myself. I'm so tired. My Mum is here and playing with DD1. She is exhausted too. I couldn't ask her to take DD1 while I sleep, that would take the piss. But I'm so tired.

Sending lots of love op. I know this is hard.you are doing so well, really, without you even realising you are.
Did you get to the GP in the end?

I haven't been to my GP yet. I know it need to but I haven't been able to face it yet.

I don't feel I am doing well. I've been contacting him when I probably shouldn't have been. I've not tried to win him back or anything like that but I've tried to appeal to the person that I thought he was in the hope that he would see that the way he is treating people, especially his children, is wrong. He's barely asked about them and when I've pulled him up about that he's just said that everything's up in the air for him at the moment and he needs to get that sorted. It makes me so angry. It's like every bit of emotion has been stripped from him. It's gradually slipped away since he found out about his Dad's diagnosis. I think that's got a lot to do with this. It's not an excuse, it doesn't make it right but I hope for the sake of my DDs that he can sort himself out and he can step up to be the dad I thought he was.