Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Pathetic excuse OP to have an affair; almost like he feels entitled, all shades of wrong; I don't think this man will ever be trustworthy for you.

He certainly had no right keeping a wedding ring on, he fucked his vows, not you.

Is he staying with OW, is that still going on, do you actually know if it is over?

He said he hasn't seen her, but she does know that he's left. I asked why he hadn't seen her and he said because he doesn't know what he's doing. I asked if he was going to continue with her and he said he doesn't know anything about the future anymore. I asked if he loved her and he said no, he's only known her a week (his words).

I don't know what to believe or what to think. I'm so tired. I'm really struggling. I just want to curl up under the duvet and never wake up.

I will say that he did say sorry. He kept saying it. Every time he did I just shook my head. Sorry doesn't make everything alright.

I haven't posted but have been following your thread iwas, no real words of advice unfortunately as I'm in a very similar predicament to you and massively struggling.

Just wanted to empathise really, I totally get where you're coming from wanting to curl up under the duvet and never wake up. That's about where I'm at, but like you I need to keep going for my DC.

Also, stand firm with MIL and don't see her until you're ready - I've always been close to mine but am finding it incredibly difficult as she appears to think we can just carry on as normal without her needing to acknowledge the elephant in the room which is H's spectacularly shitty treatment of her grandchildren and I.

Baby steps

Oh No please do not leave him in the house to look after the DD's. That isn't a good idea.
Let him get a hotel room or somewhere to go to if he wants them overnight. Please don't set a precedent as he will use this many times for overnights. He left you to stay elsewhere, he made his bed so why should you vacate your bed for him.
Stay strong at this minute he in NOT your friend and you are not responsible for his relationship with the girls.

I do know what you mean about not being responsible for his relationship with the girls but I do want them to have a relationship with their father and as they're too little to understand I do feel I need to advocate for them to say that this is something they want and I don't want to stand in the way of it. I don't know if his mum would let him stay there with them. He isn't welcome on his own but he might be with them. Or a hotel would be an alternative option. I know I'm swayed by my exhaustion and desire for a night off.

oh sweetheart l get that you are tired, could you perhaps get your lovely mum to step in one night at the weekend??
You are not obstructing contact in any way, if anything you are being more reasonable than l would be, but you are not responsible for where he has the contact, he left the house as he wasn't happy, please do not let him swan back in when it suits him. If you do it once it will become a regular thing with you finding alternative sleeping arrangements 1-2 times per week.
It could also be a bit confusing for DD1 after being told he was living elsewhere to wake up to daddy but not mummy being there in the morning.

That's what I thought - it might confuse DD1. His argument is that he didn't leave, I kicked him out and didn't give him a chance to talk it through or anything. I did say no to him yesterday about staying here and my reasons for it - that it would confuse DD1. I was just questioning whether I was right to do that.

My mum is still sleeping on my sofa and up at 6am when we all get up so I feel bad asking her to take them for the night. Anyone else DD1 wouldn't really trust if she woke up in the night (which unfortunately she still does). She does trust people but when she wakes in the night she usually only wants me or her Dad. She's just about okay with my Mum. Mum did suggest that one day at the weekend they'll take them while I have a lay in. I still feel bad though, it's not their responsibility.

It's so difficult because on the other hand, do I really want to force my children in to a hotel. DD1 doesn't do well with change. We went away last year and every night she woke up saying she wanted to go home.

And for DD2 there would need to be a fridge to keep milk in which most basic/cheap hotels don't have.

Plus it seems ridiculous to spend minimum £50 of our joint money on a hotel when that would be much better spent on our DDs.

Don't let him gaslight you - you've written it all out in this thread in real time. I suggest, if you can bear it, to go back and re-read from the beginning.

Do not leave your breastfeeding baby overnight if you don't want to. As a PP said, it will be very confusing for DD1 to wake up to mummy being gone but daddy there. Potentially very upsetting in this difficult period. Your priorities should be the happiness and welfare of you and your DDs. Not the feelings of your cheating scumbag remorseless husband. Why can't he arrange a sleepover at his mum's? A weekend at Grandparent's with dad should surely be far less confusing for DD1.

it's not their responsibility
Would you say this to one of your girls if they were in the same situation?
Of course not.
You would absolutely WANT to help them.
Let your mum help you.
That's what she is there for.
I'd want to do the same for my DD and any grandchildren.
Seriously. Let them help and support you right now.
You are their 'child' and they like the responsibility.
That's why they had you. You will always be their gorgeous girl.

Reading your posts still makes me well up.
Just thinking about what I went through and what so many of us have been through.
Even all these years later it hurts to read as it's still a bit painful.

You curl up under that duvet and have a good cry.
Unfortunately you will need to wake up and come out though as your girls need you.

Keep taking your time!

If he really wants to spend time with them and have them for the night, then he goes to his mum's or he gets a hotel and sells it as an adventure.

End of.

He's relieved that he doesn't have to try. He jumped at the chance to go and in his head blames you for not trying to solve his issues and not begging him to stay and work it out. He didn't really want that, either, it's obvious ... he went easily and quietly, and hasn't made any move to change that or indicate that he wants to.

He hasn't acknowledged what he's done at all, really, except to blame you for his choices!

Why is he not welcome at his mums on his own?
You 'kicked him out without giving him chance to talk'.But all he's said so far is that in the three weeks since he first said he was unhappy he met someone else.what did he want to say, other than that, that would have changed your reaction? At what point has he said 'can I come back and we can try?'
Please stop letting him gaslight you-you are tired and emotional, understandably and he knows that op.What's he's said so far doesn't even make that much sense really.
As pp have said, put the girls and yourself first going forwards.
He doesn't need them overnight right now anyway-they won't remember this time later on-it won't damage them not to see him overnight-plenty of people work away/spend weeks away from their kids for other reasons-it's fine-don't let him panic you in to thinking the girls will suffer from only seeing him in the day time for a few weeks-they won't, at all.

Seconding Nigel's post. They're so tiny and dependent on you, expecially DD2. It's not fair to expect a bf baby to spend a night away from her mother if it's not an emergency situation - by which I mean you being unexpectedly taken to hospital (God forbid), rather than facillitating your H's picture of himself as father of the year.

I agree with the others sorry. Yes it's a shame he isn't spending quality time with his daughters and you undoubtedly need a rest but use mum. He is undeserving of your pity and his actions caused this. He found solace in another rather than talk to you.

You are right in that things do work when both people are talking and sorry about their roles but I see now of that. A lot of blaming you and poor old me.

This is the horrible time. It hurts and you can't immerse yourself in booze and escapism as two small people need you on the ball. My overwhelming feeling with this is that you still only know a tiny bit though- do you think he told his mum more so that explains her strong reaction.

Gah. Sending big hugs. I did it with three. You can do this x

Would it be possible for MIL to give him some time in her home with DDs but not overnight?
Did you mention a SIL who might help arrange this or persuade MIL ? It would give you and yourself dear mum time to rest, MIL time with them and he has access.
You desperately need the rest and time to think. I have no experience of counselling but would it help to have some one to talk through want you want .

SIL would most likely help arrange anything if it helped DDs. But I don't want to put on her as she has her own children, a full-time demanding job and is the only person involved with their Dad who is terminally ill. Plus, it's really not my job to be putting forward suggestions, I already feel like everyone is looking to me to tell them what to do. He's going to have them sometime over the weekend. I'm hoping I can get some rest when he does.

Both DDs are stroppy this morning. DD1 is very boisterous and agitated, she wants everything done right away and she's tripping on things, grabbing things, switching from one thing to another. DD2 is shattered and keeps feeding but pulling off screaming, kicking, back-arching. I'm completely exhausted.

A couple of friends with DCs similar ages are being completely lovely. I don't know them exceptionally well - I met them since I had DD1 and usually only see them at baby groups or birthday parties. But they've both offered to go out for coffee, to help out with housework or practical stuff and to spend more time getting to know both DCs so they can help out more in the future. They're coming over one evening next week for pizza and wine (we're all bfing so we're going to time it just right!)

I'm not doing so well today. It was a week ago that I found out.

I have lots of questions but I'm not sure if I want to hear the answers. At some point I will need to ask.

• What would he have said/done if I had given him the chance to talk?
• What would he have done if I hadn't found out? (I know the answer is obvious but I want to hear him try to get out of it)
• Why did you tell me you would try, go out with her hours later and then come home and make reference to your earlier proclamation as if I should be grateful? (Again, the answer is obvious - to continue with her while staying with me)

There are more but these are the ones going around my head at the moment.

I'm worried about my Mum. She had a panic attack this morning. This is starting to take its toll on her as well.

And DD1 is all over the place. She's not getting enough sleep - she takes forever to go to sleep and then wakes up at 6am every morning. She's probably getting less than 10 hours sleep a night. In an ideal world I'd like to move her bedtime earlier but it just doesn't work on days she's at nursery because of the time she gets back. It's really difficult having to make these decisions on my own. When I chose to become a parent I did so knowing that the responsibility would be shared and now it's all on me through no choice of my own.

This a process you have to go through.
And unfortunately for you, for now, on your own.
You can make these decisions.

The questions, it's like mental torture and it will last a while yet.
Just get through it all as best you can.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

It must be hard on her seeing you go through this.

Give yourself some more time.
Make a list of questions when they come up.
Make a list of your feelings and emotions.
It will help you verbalise it all, as and when you do have a discussion with him.
You clearly aren't ready just yet.
Just keep getting through each day for now.

Thanks hellsbells. How are you doing?

Right now I'm feeling like I must be very dull and undesirable. The very first I knew of a problem was him saying that we don't do anything anymore, we don't have any life or interests outside of our family. Obviously he does now, while I have even less opportunity and capacity to do anything that doesn't involve my children. While that's okay, exhausting but okay, from the outside and yes, to him, I must be a really boring, uninteresting person. I want to spend what little free time I get sleeping rather than partying. I hate that he's made me think this way about myself. But, as with all of this, I know it won't be forever, I know that as things settle down I won't be as tired and I will feel like doing more things for me. That is still the case whether he's here or not, I just wish he had realised that that would be the case.

I've also lost another couple of pound so I'm now less than 10 stone. I know it's not the ideal way to lose weight but my heavier weight had been bothering me so getting that little bit slimmer does make me at least feel like I'm not as unattractive.

Another question, which I won't ask:

Why did you do this to me?

He won't know.
The opportunity was there and took it.
Now he's re-writing history.
They all do it.

I'm not too bad now actually.
He's finally realised how I knew how often they were Whatsapp-ing and has taken the last seen/online function off.
So I have nothing to snoop on at all now.
Which is good for my mental health as they are literally messaging every few minutes of every single day.
How he has time to actually work is beyond me.

The weight loss for me has slowed but I think I need to start eating more.
At least I'm in the 9's now!

Chin up chick - you'll get there!

Your recent post about life outside the family really struck a chord for me. I was told the same that we never did anything etc. It was all my fault. I couldn't see it at the time to stick up for myself. It was my fault that we never did anything but also my fault for not arranging it in the first place or choosing where to go etc. I have come to realise how much of a narcissist my STBXH was. He wasn't (to me anyway!) a obvious one but I am can see how he was one. He was just very clever at it so I didn't realise what he was doing. I was always told I had the issues etc (depression, anxiety) but I can now see just how many issues he has too. Even just basic things about what to have to eat for lunch always fell to me. If I asked him what he wanted, it was always turned round to me. What do you want, you choose. He never seemed to want to make a decision himself. I am not sure if this is another sign of a narcissist. It's all new to me. I always felt like I was being made out to be a controlling person but someone said to me recently that actually he was the controlling one but just did it in a very clever way so it wasn't obvious. I just feel like the last 18 years of my life have been a big lie. Sorry for ranting a bit and taking over your thread.
Just wanted you to know you are not the only one feeling like that. I lost 2 stone when it was all going on. I needed to anyway but it probably wasn't the best way to lose it or in such a short time. I have now put a few more pounds on which I think is a sign of me living my life a bit better but it has taken me nearly a year to get to that stage. And I still have weeks where I can barely eat anything. Think it's part of the rollercoaster of this part of the spilt.

What do these men honestly expect? Do they just not want to grow up? Do they think they can continue to live a single life even when they have a family? The thing that I don't understand is that he barely went out in the couple of years before DD1 anyway, and then hardly at all after we had DD1. So it's not like his life just suddenly changed and he didn't like it. He said that he wants to be able to make decisions on his own and for himself (in day to day life), well I'm sorry but when you have a family you can't be that bloody selfish, you have to consider other people. Why is that such a difficult concept to grasp?

I hear you OP. I think you have hit the nail on the head. We can't fully understand why they do what they do. I know some will say that they only cheat because there is problem at home. And I fully understand that some do that. But some just do it because they can, they get their head turned & are selfish and can only think about what they need. We have to remember that all you have just said would make you and me (& others) feel guilty and would stop and think 'what have I done'. But these men don't think like that. They can't see what they have done or don't want to admit it. They honestly believe they have a right to do what they want regardless of the consequences. If they had at least tried to truly work on the problems, whether that's by counselling etc then it would be easier to walk away but it's the fact they don't even try. It's easier for them to simply walk away and blame you. I think the ones that don't want to try and work on it, do so because they are afraid to face their own issues. They are too weak.