Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Get to bed.
Your mum will be fine with the girls.
You need to restore your energy levels.
Even if you don't fall into a deep sleep, laying down with your eyes closed will really help.

I was whatsapp-ing my Ex last night as well (and he's still living with me)
I'd had a few wines so I told him what I thought of him.

He is your familiar, your go to person so of course you will be contacting him.
Is he having the girls at all this weekend?

Please let your mum take care of the girls while you get a bit of sleep.
Even half an hour will help you.

((((((HUGS)))))) from me.

What is your Ex saying to you hellsbells? If anything?

He's trying to make excuses for it all.
Like we were going stale and I didn't want to go for walks (no shit, I have really bad lower back and hips and a long walk up hill and down dale in thick mud is not my idea of fun and I would hurt like hell for days after)
He seems to forget though that we had 2 conversations where we agreed to work on things, weight etc.... I was doing my bit but he was still messaging, sexting, sending dick pics and receiving tit and fanny pics all the time we were supposed to be working on things.
How was it ever going to work if he was putting more into a relationship with another woman than with me?
He's a knob head. Trying to justify his feckin' vile behaviour.
I can't remember exactly what I wrote so I'm going to go back to the messages and see what I said (I love wine)

Try to eat something today.
With your mum there, go off for a cry when you need one.
Just get through today.

You can't appeal to his better side or who you thought he was now. Because he's not that person anymore.

When people are having affairs they lose all perspective and behave in ways they (and those who know them) previously never believed they could. They change beyond recognition. Their one focus is their affair partner, being with them and keeping them happy.

Sure, they know that other people consider what they're doing to be wrong - hence why they lie, minimise, edit facts, change details, rewrite history etc. But in their head they believe that it can't be wrong! They're happy! And after being so unhappy too. So they deserve their new found happiness. Anyone who makes them feel bad or guilty about that is therefore just an irritant. Sadly that often extends to their children too.

It is so difficult for the partner left behind. The wrench is sudden and unexpected and it hurts. You know you're a fool to want him back but still that's all you want. It's such a twisted and painful dynamic. And almost impossible to view objectively when you're in the midst of it.

All I can say is it WILL get better. No matter what happens, life will be good again.

Good post magical-that's exactly it. The woman involved in my situation, who was also my best friend (until I found out), said to me once that her counsellor had helped her see that 'her behaviour wasn't selfish, it was self preserving-if she hadn't made the choices she had made she would have been damaging herself'. That's how her and I think lots of other people, justify their dreadful behaviour. And once you start believing that I suppose you stop thinking about anyone else.

Just been to the GP. I've had my medication increased but been advised to consider stopping breastfeeding if taking the increased amount.

I really can't do this anymore.

Yes you can.
You know you can because you've been doing it.
Do you want to stop breastfeeding?
When were you planning to stop?
Please try to get some sleep.
Your brain needs a rest.

I really don't want to stop breastfeeding. I really, really don't.

I can't get a rest at the moment. If DD1 has a nap and DD2 by some miracle does at the same time then I might but otherwise I can't dump them on my parents.

Good that you went to the GP op.
If t were me I would try and stop bf'ing-just because you need to prioritise your mental health just now, and also get some proper rest which you won't be able to do if you are bf'ing. But I know that it isn't an easy choice.

He's barely asked about them and when I've pulled him up about that he's just said that everything's up in the air for him at the moment and he needs to get that sorted.

Pull him up on it again, then point out that that's a luxury you can't afford right now because you're a parent ... wait ... so is he ... why is it ok for him not to worry, wonder, ask about, and volunteer to do anything that needs doing to make sure they're well looked after?!

What a self absorbed jerk.

I'm at breaking point. I managed to get a bit of sleep when they both had a nap but I still feel shit.

He's text today but I've not replied and then he text "is everything okay?" No it's not, it's about as far from okay as it can be. I haven't replied.

Delurking - I've read your thread and can't believe what a twat your H is. I hope you're OK and that you know things will get better than this.

What strikes me is how very much this self absorbed arse hole is getting away with his responsibilities. He needs to do his bit and help look after his children so you can get through the mess he's caused. Even if it's just taking your eldest to his mums for a day or so.

I'd reply that no it isn't and he needs to pull his finger out

Right now he needs to go fuck himself. I went out for the afternoon with my parents and the girls and put a photo on Facebook. He's just sent me a text saying he saw the photo and did we have a nice time? Why don't you go and shove your head up your own arsehole you worthless piece of shit.

Okay you need a plan.
Block him on your phone. Block him on Facebook. Give him one way to contact you (email is probably best as you can deal with that when you want - even better if his emails go straight to one folder).
Are you eating? If not or not much then make sure you get some of those meal replacement drinks, and ask your parents to get you a good multi vitamin.
Accept any offers of help, and do what you need to to get through the day. Cut back on housework. Nest down with your DDs (although if you can get a break that is good too.)

But the anger in your last post is a good thing.

Agree about blocking and giving him just one way to contact you.

You desperately want contact of course but the contact you get will hurt you every time because it's not the contact you crave ie him saying he's sorry, he's made a mistake, he loves you and wants to come home.

So instead his contacting you is the equivalent of picking a scab. It hurts afresh every single time and never gets the chance to heal.

He's taken all your power from you but you CAN start to take it back. This is one way.

I agree. I feel like I've already started to take it back. Today I've had the following:

• why do you think I don't care?
• are they okay?
• is everything okay?
• I saw the photos on Facebook. Did you all have a nice time?
• do either of them need anything I can get? Does DD2 need more vests?

I haven't replied at all and he clearly can't stand it so he's trying every possible way to get me to to engage.

The reason why he disappears and doesn't answer your texts is because he is too busy carving out a new life for himself with possibly ow and new friends.
When he's on his own is when he texts you back.
I've been through what you're going through.
He is not the person you married. That person is 'gone'.

I know it's hard but you need to take it one day at a time. Deal with bite sized chunks.
Don't think that you can't sleep, if DJ was here he could blah blah...so I could sleep.
That type of thinking will cause you to think you can't do this when you totally can.
There are posters here that have been through what you have. Alec4 has a thread on here that you might find helpful.

I'm sorry this has happened to you but you can do it. You can get through this.
Maybe other posters feel like this too but if I could take over for you for a few days and help you sleep, I would.

I'm think of you OP

*Dh

Now he's text me about a temporary place that he's going to stay at, where it is and how he can then do x, y and z for us.

I fully expect that at some point he will turn to anger to try to get me to engage and that's when I'll find it really hard not to reply.

Ironically, ignoring him today has made him step up to some of his responsibilities a bit more - or at least say he will.

Of course ignoring him steps up his contact with you.

The weird thing is that although he's irritated by you contacting him because it interrupts the 'honeymoon' of his new life with the other woman, perversely when you stop contacting him he panics. He needs you in reserve. He needs to know you need him even though paradoxically it annoys him. He needs desperately to maintain the illusion (to himself) that he can have a fancy new woman but also be ace dad and have a brilliant relationship with his ex (ie you). He wants that all to fall into place in one easy transition. But it doesn't work like that mate. Jog on.

It's all so unbelievably predictable! The way men who have affairs behave follows such a standard pattern that it's no wonder the phenomenon gave rise to 'The Script'.

Just keep ignoring him.

Be careful when he offers things that it suits you. There have been times that exs have been controlling by coming around to fix stuff etc.

So if I go on ignoring him what should I expect to happen next? Should he just give up? I don't want him to give up trying with the DDs so if that's the case then at some point I will have to communicate on some level. Or will he start to realise the reality of his life without his children and become a rational human being again?

If you give up breastfeeding because of the sadness your cockmonster husband has inflicted, it may always weigh on your mind.

It's often sad enough giving up breastfeeding when the circumstances are optimal, so don't let the twatweasel take this from you if you're not ready to stop.

What you do is take a little time and then think about what contact pattern would best suit you and the dds. Then offer him to his in an email. Do be prepared to negotiate a little.
But he does need to see the consequences of his actions. And just because he decides he wants to see them on Saturday at 3 doesn't have to b accepted unless that works for them and you too.

I am so so angry for you and your pain is so obvious....I just want to come and give you a hug each and Karate kick him In the knickers..... I have been through this and it hurts like hell.
We are here....
He is ramping up the pressure on you by bombarding you. Get another phone. Give him the number so you can relax. Block from Facebook, defollow from Instagram.
Nothing is insurmountable you deserve so much more and so do those girls x