I got some sleep but DD2 was awake at 4am. She started to go back to sleep around 6 when DD1 woke up.
Yesterday was difficult. It's the first time I've looked at him, spoken to him and argued with him since I found out. It felt strangely familiar to be around him and I think that's what's messed with my head more than anything.
His version of events is that he hasn't been happy for a while and when he spoke to me about it we argued every day for 3 weeks which made him more unhappy and lead him to believe there was nothing there to fight for. From my perspective, I didn't realise how unhappy he was, I thought he had a little gripe about not going out enough and I thought he was being selfish by wanting to go out once a week as it would put an extra strain on me emotionally and us financially. By the time I realised quite how unhappy he was he was angry that I hadn't welcomed his suggestion with open arms. When I considered that he was struggling and started putting things in place to lighten his load, he had already met her (according to his time frame). He says that she is the result of his unhappiness, not the reason for it. He said he didn't know what he was doing and he doesn't know what he wants now. He doesn't know if we could repair things even if we both wanted to and neither of us know if we want to. He said he will make short term arrangements until we have a longer term plan.
He told DD1. He said to her that he is going to live somewhere else for a while but he still loves her and her sister and he'll still see them both lots. She didn't really seem to understand. She has only just turned 3 so I don't expect her to. She got upset when she asked him to put her to bed and he said he couldn't but aside from that she was okay and she didn't cry when he left.
He had taken his wedding ring off. Apparently he saw that I'd taken mine off on Saturday so he did the same.
I have no idea what I think or feel. I don't know what to do. I still haven't contacted MIL about seeing her on Friday, I want to cancel because I really don't feel up to it but I worry that could be the nail in the coffin. Not that I should be bending over backwards to please him, but while we're both unsure what we want I don't want to piss him off.
He wants to have the girls overnight but he is staying with a friend at the moment and there's no where he could have them. He said he could have them in our house if I could go and stay somewhere else. I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if it could be more confusing for DD1. But at the same time it would be nice for her to spend the night with her dad and, selfishly, it would be good for me to have a night off (although I'd still have to express through the night).
I feel my anger has reduced somewhat but that just means I have the potential to be more hurt by the events when I remember them.
I feel broken.