Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

I was up around midnight, 2am and 5am with DD2 and 1am and 4am with DD1. I'm so tired. I'm being really snappy with DD1 this morning. She's acting up because she's obviously tired and she also knows something's going on. She was up just before 6 saying "I want my Daddy".

This is the 'plodding' time as in plodding through the day. Come on you can do this.... we are all here for you!
I have been up since six, made two extra lunches for a family whose parent doesn't bother, just about to poach eggs for my sons who will come energetically and sloth like down the stairs (number 2 and 3) number one has already left for a day at uni.
I am doing a half day today as young carers are coming later to sort my sons bus passes etc before I go into hospital. Have my last big scan next Monday.,..,, all very exciting :)

We are with you x just keep posting when you need too.

It is-just do what needs to be done as a minimum-the rest can wait.
Thinking of you op.
You can do this, and you will.

I'm really struggling. I want to cry and scream and just lay down and stop moving. How has this happened?

Have just read through your thread - it's ok t feel like this OP. You have had a hand grenade dropped on your life and there are doubtless going to be mornings and days like today.

Keep strong and keep busy. Have you any plans for today? If not, perhaps make some like taking your girls to the library and a supermarket cafe for lunch. By the time you've done an activity or two you'll be calmer again.

💐 for you

He's coming to see them today and we're going to tell DD1.

I just wish he wanted to be with us. That's not to say that I would take him back but I wish I was in control of this situation. For a while I felt like I was but I don't now.

He wants you wrong-footed.

He has been caught out, and he's pissed off about it, and he wants to be back in control of the situation. Don't let him be.

Hang in there.

You can do this.

DD2 has cut her first tooth and I think she also has oral thrush again. Whatever it is, she's only taking the breast at the moment. She's not taking solids and she's even clamping her mouth shut when I try to give her Calpol. So I don't expect her to take a bottle today and then it'll all be my fault.

He's here and I've not left yet as I'm just waiting for my breast pump to sterilise - I've agreed for him to have them here today as DD1 will need a nap and she doesn't nap out. I've not really spoken to him, just been texting him the stuff he needs to know. I said I'd feed DD2 before I leave, he just brought her upstairs and said "please talk to me", I said I don't know what to say to him and then made the mistake of looking at him. I burst in to tears and just told him I couldn't look at him and then walked away.

Are you ok? He's still there right? Keep talking to us ((((((village)))))

Everything is his fault. You are faultless and blameless. Don't let him or his family make you feel otherwise. You are allowed to be devastated/miserable/angry/raging. He has done that to you. Vulnerable mother to his 2 beautiful babies.

Its so hard op. I'm sorry you are going through this.
I hope you are alright-sending a hand hold.

And if it's your fault that the baby won't take a bottle then good for you-you've been doing what you think is best for her which is breast feeding (which isn't a bloody picnic-I couldn't sodding well do it, so I'm in awe of people that can.If he picks holes in that he is even more of a twat than I gave him credit for).

Oh OP, your pain leaps from the page - I am so, so sorry that he has behaved so cruelly to you and your DDs. Please, please listen to the advice on here - he is following the Script but is now, when faced with your vulnerability, seeking to ease his guilt by placing all the onus on you to engage. He wants forgiveness for what he has done to you, but only to salve his conscience. There will be an OW, he is not sleeping at his office and he is behaving with appalling callousness.

The only way he will realise what he is about to lose is for you to present him with the reality of that - ie no half-way measures, only the most necessary and minimal engagement in relation to the DC. Men in his position have already anticipated the sunlit uplands of a new life with the OW. The reality of what that will cost him in every sense will only be brought home to him if he has a taste of it now. I know how hard this is - I begged and pleaded, something I bitterly regret now. It diminished me in his eyes and exacerbated his distaste for me in comparison to the 'loveliness' of his OW. He is streets ahead of you mentally as this has been going on for some time. Please try and act cool, composed and self-possessed even when you are screaming inside. He is an A1 cunt who is royally screwing you over and no longer in your team. Thinking of you .

We ended up in an argument and I'm really angry at myself for engaging in it. Even more angry for crying in front of him. I'm out now and he's in my house with the DDs.

Ugh. He's an expert in pushing your buttons so he knew exactly how to make you lose control. Don't be angry at yourself. This is all so fresh and new and you are doing brilliantly even though you are exhausted beyond belief. Be kind to yourself.

So you've been evicted from your house for a bit it seems. What's the nicest thing you can think of doing by yourself? You have a little time where you don't have to be responsible for anyone or anything, allow that to wash over you. I hope the sun is shining where you are

Yes, although that was my suggestion that he stay there with them, it's what works best for DD1 especially.

My Mum offered to treat me to a massage (is she winning the Best Mum award or what!) but aside from the fact that she's doing so much already, laying still for a length of time just gives me more thinking time so I don't really fancy that. I thought about getting my hair done but I don't really feel like making small talk. I had a coffee and something to eat and now I'm having a browse around the shops.

How dare he argue with you is he trying to ok his actions. What has he said he wants to do? Not that it's about him at all but he seems to be saying very little

You aren't an automaton op-fine to be angry, natural to cry. Don't be angry at yourself.save that for him to be honest.

Apparently he's angry that I didn't even give him a chance to talk when I found out and my actions since - being angry at him - has made him think there's nothing worth fighting for anymore. Mainly I've pissed him off because he needs to sort out somewhere to live and he can't do that until I tell him what money I need from him for the house and the kids, but I don't know, how the fuck am I supposed to figure that out. According to him he needs to know what he can do now, which I understand but I am still in shock and in no position to be making plans or saying an amount that I need off the top of my head. I'm not thinking straight right now. I'm looking after my DDs and, just about, myself. I can't do more than that. But he thinks I'm being difficult. I'm not, I just can't do it yet.

I'm really close to buying a pack of cigarettes. I quit when I found out I was pregnant with DD1.

Here I am. Back to expressing in that toilet cubicle.

Ok, do another point of the argument was that he brought up that years ago I had feelings for a guy I worked with. There was a lot of flirtation and emailing but nothing physical ever happened. He forgave me for that and we, obviously, stayed together. When I married him, I made a commitment to stop that destructive behaviour and I did. He thinks that I'm being hypocritical by not even letting him talk to me, explain, ask for forgiveness when he did one thing wrong whereas he did when it was the other way around. My argument is that we weren't married then, we didn't have children, I didn't plot and plan in the same way, it literally just happened, yes it was over an extended period and I was definitely in the wrong but he arranged and went on dates with this woman. He spent our money on her. And when I did that, I didn't have an emotionally vulnerable partner at home looking after my two children.

So maybe I deserve what I'm getting now.

hes being ridiculous - he can access the bank statements and work it out...for fucks sake....you do not have to do that for him...i do think he should take both the dds to his mums or something - the nap thing may work if shes elsewhere either way he has to manage it....think it might be harder for dd1 if hes at the house then not ifyswim .....you are doing amazingly well in such a short space of time be good to yourself..

Bless you.
This is so so hard.
Regarding a previous post.
I always say - no knee jerk reactions.
Take your time making any major decisions regarding yours and your DD lives.
It's a heck of a lot to throw away when you don't even have all the facts (not that you ever will)
This is YOUR life and YOUR decision.
We can sit behind our screens and say 'LTB' but many of us know it's just not that simple.
You really are not in the right head space to make any major decisions.
It's lots to think about.
It will take time.
When you are ready you can start to tackle it all.
Just look after yourself for now.
(((((HUGS))))))