Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

You needed the catharsis of letting rip. He clearly has no idea what to say to you. Expect the same goes for the in-laws. Sorry isn't enough but it is something I suppose. Your DB sounds like a great guy.

Your parents sound amazing OP and clearly brought yourself and your DB up properly to be the same you should be so proud of yourself
Have you tried YouTube self hypnosis type videos? I find them helpful when I'm feeling low the trick is to listen to a few until you find one who's voice is soothing for you

Just weighed myself and I've lost half a stone in a week. I am trying to eat but I've completely lost my appetite.

I know you don't feel like but you must eat. Ice cream smoothies with fresh fruit in are your friends right now op

The heartbreak diet, although not ideal works!
I still have no appetite and all my stuff kicked on at Christmas.
I'm about 17lbs down which I needed so not too bad.
It's solids that I struggled with to start with.
When I split from ExH all those years ago, sugary tea and ice-lollies were my friends.
Keep going!

Yes. I am trying, but I'm just eating because I have to. To be fair, I do have weight to lose from both pregnancies. I'm still a stone up on my DD1 pre-pregnancy weight so we're not in a danger zone yet.

I feel really shit right now. His Mum has text and wants to see us on Friday. She's taken the day off. But I don't really want to see her at the moment after some of her recent comments. I don't want for DD1 especially not to see them but I just don't think I can face it at the moment. I don't want to be a bitch though or give them any ammunition to hate me.

It really isn't your responsibility to facilitate contact between your DD's and their DGM. I would suggest to your H that he takes them to visit on his next contact day.
You could just text your MIL and say Friday doesn't work for me and leave it at that.
I really don' t think anyone would consider you a bitch given the circumstances in fact your MIL should have phoned not text.

Your 'D'H should be sorting out DC seeing his parents.
Not you.
It's not your responsibility so put your foot down on this one now or you'll be doing it all from now on.
Tell them you aren't ready and they can arrange contact via their lying cheating son.
If you need to, arrange to visit someone on Friday so you don't have to deal with it all.

The problem is that when she was here last Friday she said about booking next Friday off to spend the day with us and then text me later in the day to say she had so if I was going to object I should have done it then. She will see it that I've cancelled plans but I was pretty much told it was happening and not asked.

Tough shit. So you cancelled plans , that,s a whole different senario to what her DS has done.If she is disappointed/angry suggest she talks to her son for contact. You owe her nothing.
It doesn't suit you to see her now and you really do not need to give a reason.
You need to protect yourself now, don't be railroaded into doing something you are not ready for.

Thank you for the support. I'm trying to keep everyone happy but him and his family don't give a shit about my happiness so why should I bother.

Don't bother trying to please everyone, The only people you "need" to keep happy are your DD's and yourself.
Lean on your family-they have your back (they sound wonderful).
Please give yourself some time and space from your DH and his family, you don't need to see or hear your MIL make excuses for her pathetic son, that will just set you back.You need to get yourself physically and mentally strong and if that means disappointing/stepping on peoples toes to do so---stamp away.
Don't delay, don't fret about it either-just text her then turn your phone off for a while.

So this is probably the unpopular and the weak view, but I sort of knew that at one point I would consider this. Does this really have to be it? I know, I know, the script. And no Pick-Me Dancing going on here. But we haven't even had a conversation about what we both want. I'm angry but I haven't stopped loving him. I don't know what he thinks or how he feels because we haven't talked. On the one hand, I don't know if I could ever trust him again. But on the other, there is a lot at stake here to be thrown away without a proper conversation. He hasn't said he wants to come back but maybe that's because I haven't said I'd consider it. I don't know if I'd consider it, but I just don't know what page everyone is on with this. What if it was just an awful mistake on his part? I know, I'm probably being an idiot but even if there's just a small chance that that is the case, what if that is it? People make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes can be forgiven. I'm not sure if this is one of them, but that's the point, I'm not sure.

Please be lenient with me, I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now which is probably why I'm thinking this way but I don't want to hear all the suggestions about him being with her, shagging her etc etc. Just imagine for a minute that he's not. Imagine that he is telling the truth when he says he's sleeping in his office. Please be gentle with me.

I may be a lone voice here but to take things at face value, I might be willing to forgive a kiss for 12 years of a happy relationship and family with my 2 dcs.

But he would have to be completely honest and do whatever it takes to win back your trust. He has to show complete remorse and he has to instigate this, not you.

So it's a tall order I think but not out of the question (unless you suspect the infidelity stretches past a kiss, he has to agree to full disclosure).

And you don't have to make a decision now and stick by it. If you decide at any point you can't trust him enough to carry on, it's fine to walk away.

Trust yourself.

I'm feeling very emotional and want to text him so I'm going to write here what I want to say instead:

Why have you done this to us? Why have you destroyed everything we had? Why have you left our two perfect girls to grow up without a Dad at home? Do you even feel guilty? Do you care that you've left me, your previously very fragile, still depressed wife to deal with two children day and night, something she previously couldn't cope with when the tasks were shared and now she's having to do it on her own? Do you care that your little girl keeps crying but doesn't know why she's crying? Do you care that you have stripped away what little confidence I had left by choosing someone else over me? At a time that I was just trying to survive and get through the days? Do you not care at all? Did you ever?

Thank you cowbag (that sounds like I'm being a bitch!) I'm not saying that that's what I will do but I appreciate the alternative perspective.

It's easy to say ltb when it's not your reality, I know that and putting myself completely in your shoes I know I would consider trying to work past a kiss even though my head was screaming at me to leave (and I normally always think ltb when reading about cheating spouses on here). It's very difficult when you have young kids and you feel like their world is being ripped apart, you'd do anything to get their normality back.

But like I said, don't chase him, he has to instigate and drive any reconciliation (so no pick me dance etc.)

Why don't you ask your mum to have the kids and go and look. Is he there?
I know what your saying but now is not the time for pride etc. Surely he would be moving heaven and earth to be with you, pleading for forgiveness if he wanted to come back. Saying how he would go about putting things right. I know I would.

Instead he is saying nothing really. He let you suffer whilst you thought he needed some 'me' time. Not exactly the actions of an honourable man.

And I am not trying to heap misery on you. It's completely up to you xxx

Thank you wannabe. I appreciate that. Although it may not be what I want to here you said it in a tactful way. In honesty, at the moment I don't think he does want to come back but in the future I think he will regret his decision. There are no guarantees about how I feel now and there are certainly no guarantees about how I'll feel if that happens down the line.

Do not send that text! He could use that to go for custody.

I won't. I just needed to get it out somewhere.

Your mum and dad sound lovely. I'm so glad you have such a supportive family.

Just read the whole thread so just popping by to say how much I admire you. The grief waves will lessen, it's a bereavement but you will get through this, especially with your wonderful family support. With your MIL keep polite but firm and don't engage in any discussion with her. Long term, if she's a decent person as you believe, she will respect that. I agree you need to get legal advice asap. As to whether there's a future, I'm about the same age as your mum and I know a few marriages which have survive affairs (not always the man who has strayed) and others which haven't. But right now you should just be protecting your own heart and your LOs which you're doing. PS love your mum!

Feel exhausted and utterly crap. I just want to give up.