Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Hi OP. I have read all your thread. I really feel for you. Your story is also so similar to mine I just have slightly older children. It's such a shame that there are so many men out there that do this. You however appear to dealing and coping with it much better than I did. Took me a couple of months to be where you are now. Your MIL sounds like she is dealing with it in the same as mine. For my own sake I have cut contact with her. It became too hard to continually listen to her minimising and ignoring what he had done. I appreciate that blood is thicker than water etc but it is still hard to know she would believe his lies and excuses when presented with the truth. And even when she could no longer say 'he would never do that' it became 'he only did that because..'. I should also say my STBXH has still never said sorry nor told anyone the complete truth and I am nearly a year on from it all happening. He has only admitted to the bare minimum and only because I had the evidence. And even some of my evidence is 'not what I think it is'!
As for your periods, I breastfed with both my DC and when mine started again they were very light and there was no regular pattern. It took a few months for them to settle. Also agree that stress won't be helping either.

I feel really sad. I almost want to text him to say sorry that it ended this way. Not that I have anything to be sorry to him for but I am sorry that this has happened. I'm not used to not opening up to him and telling him how I feel. The sadness is overwhelming.

It's really pissing me off that he's not contacting me to ask about his daughter's. He asked last night and I responded to tell him how they were but no response afterwards and nothing this morning. I can't help but think he's intentionally not contacting me to see if I'll contact him.

I need to look at the joint account to see if there's enough in there for all the bills at the beginning of the month but I dread what I might find.

I will say 'NPR' rather than 'men' but it seems that nrp seem to find it easier to detach and compartmentalise. My ex husband rarely texts either about the children or in fact texts them in between the every other weekend he is supposed to have them. I think it's sad and he doesn't have the close day to day relationship I have.

Remember you will feel lots of different things. You don't just stop loving someone. You need time to grieve. It will all be ok but it will take time.

Sit with your mum and look at the account. Make sure you move some cash into your own if you can.

How are things today OP

Get in touch with a solicitor asap, longer you leave it and everything settles, you might get less out of him. Think of your kids and their future and fight for them, even if you don't feel like it. Unfortunately that's the thing with guys, as soon as he moves on, he will be less interested in kids, so get a solicitor involved to protect your kids and yourself.

I don't really feel anything.

You will be all over the place emotionally op-it's understandable.Sometimes numb, sometimes sad, sometimes ragey, sometimes can do, sometimes feeling like you can't manage at all.
Have you managed any rest today at all?

God no. No opportunity to rest. DD1 didn't have a nap and DD2 barely did.

I am completely exhausted. DD1 has taken ages to go to sleep again. Hopefully they'll both sleep okay and I'll be able to get at least one decent stretch of sleep.

Ask your mum to look after the dds so you can sleep. You really need to sleep. You have had a terrible shock.

My Mum is doing loads!! She got into bed with DD1 at 4am. She has been up with me and them every morning around 6am and she's been sleeping on my sofa (we don't have a spare room). She's nearing 60 and she has already done more than I could ever ask anyone to do (I haven't asked her, she has insisted).

Love your mum!
She will see you right op...

I need distractions - share with me your favourite threads/Wikipedia pages/random websites. I've just come to the end of a thread on here and I need something else lighthearted.

I found that thread about 'have you ever met someone who made you feel irationally uncomfortable' interesting.
Or else I'm watching legally blonde on Comedy Central-nice and trashy and feel good, if a bit teenage

Just read your whole thread, wanted to say you are coping amazingly well especially with two small children and one still bf.

Your H is an absolute cunt (and I don't use that word either). He blamed and gaslighted you, tried to make you the one responsible for the split and all because he wanted an OW (and he has most probably shagged her, men tend to want to try the goods out before they decide to leave). Then within a day of being found out he was in good enough spirits to go to the pub!

I know it's difficult to see this right now but he is not worth your tears. No one who has seen the struggles your DD's have been through just to live and how much this has effected you and can still put their cock before their family is worth your sorrow. Unfortunately you will feel like this because in a way it is like a death, you will mourn the loss of the person that you thought he was. However he is not that person and has proved that by his annoyance that you're not playing along with his script. No doubt he thought you would beg and plead for him to stay, for him to come home, that would have been a nice ego stroke for him and it is probably pissing him off that you've not done that.

Just keep getting through one day at a time and it will get better. I found that box sets got me through the first month, I would put a DVD on and when I was completely knackered I would fall asleep but since I was only sleeping a couple of hours a night when I woke up I could just carry on watching. I moved on to audio books, I just set it off and listened until I drifted off and when I woke up I didn't have to deal with my thoughts just listen to the story.

If you feel sick ginger biscuits and ginger beer are good for helping tone down the nausea and eating bland stuff in small portions helps. Porridge is good for breakfast, poached egg on toast for lunch, anything high protein and easy to make.

Don't worry about leaning on your family right now they would rather you did that than struggle and possibly have a breakdown. Oh and yes, no matter how sympathetic you mil is she is still his mother first. She will defend him so probably best not to talk to her about him ATM.

Do go see a solicitor ASAP to see how you stand. Take as much financial information as possible and ask what you should do about finances. ATM he is being reasonable but that won't last. Once he has to rent somewhere to live he will start saying that he can't afford to give you as much (their guilt fades amazingly quickly) and he will start to blame you. It will be he wouldn't have done it if you hadn't done 'x' or if you'd done 'y' everything would have been different.

I hope you got some sleep?
I had a massive down day yesterday.
1st time I've properly cried since it all happened.
My friend was on hand to get me through it.
Your mum is wonderful.
Keep going.
How do the joint accounts look?
It's hard but you do have to have a look!
Fingers crossed they are OK.

Distractions for you today.
Find a local family solicitor that offers a free half hour.
Get onto the council and get your council reduced to single adult rate.
Start thinking about putting some emergency money aside.

Thinking of you.

council tax

Just popping in to see how you are this morning op?

I don't really know how I am.

I had to take DD1 in to nursery this morning, I never normally do the drop off and she was sobbing, saying "I want my Daddy". I spoke to one of the nursery managers and told her that we had separated and asked her to let DDs key person know - I couldn't speak to the key person myself as it would have been in front of DD.

DD2 is teething. One tooth has cut through but the one next to it is still trying. She's very unsettled and clingy to me.

Last night wasn't too bad. They were both up a few times in the night but neither of them for too long.

Today is the first day at home on my own since I found out. I say on my own, obviously DD2 is here. Currently asleep on my lap. She does a good job of making me feel loved.

I'm sorry you had a bad day hellsbells. I'm glad you've got support to get you through those days.x

I'm so sorry this has happened to you but just wanted to say how much I admire you maintaining a dignified stance when you had to see him. It seems he would love you to fall apart so he can look like the more together person and blame you in some incomprehensible way for his actions. I hope it gets a little bit easier as each day goes by.

I'll be honest, I haven't remained as ambivalent. I certainly haven't broken down but I have told him what I think of him and his actions and mostly how disgusted I am with him. I know I should have just continued with the stony silence but it has made me feel better to unleash on him, and everything I've said has been reasoned and articulate, no name calling or anything. I don't regret anything I've said to him, it's all true and fair.

I haven't text his mum since Saturday morning and I've had nothing from her, no message to ask how I am or how her grandchildren are. Fuck 'em. I tried to be nice and tried to open up and build a stronger relationship with them but they obviously don't give a shit. I don't expect them to care about me but I do expect them to care about their granddaughters.

Anyway, my brother and his partner saw us yesterday and made a massive fuss of both of them. My brother has said that he'll help me financially if I need it. It's not his responsibility but I know he'd do anything for his nieces. It's good to know I've got a back up so at least we'll always have a roof over our head.

Well he needed to hear it-it can't all be plain sailing for him.
Did he respond in any way?

Yes. There's been a lot of back and forth. He has said sorry, he has said that he didn't say it before because it didn't seem enough. He's said a lot of stuff and I'm sure a lot of it is a lie. He claims he hasn't seen her (I know, you don't need to tell me that's a lie). He's not said anything about wanting me back or anything like that. He wants to see the girls tomorrow.

I just had an overwhelming wave of "I can't do this". I had been doing so well and I know it's bound to happen but it's utterly debilitating when it does.

It happens.
But it does pass.
Just sit and breath.
Sometimes it all just feels so hopeless.
You'll get there.
But this feeling will reappear a lot over the next couple of months.