Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Can you survive without the supermarket? Raid the freezer, pop to the local shop to get essentials instead? I'd vote for sleep if at all poss, you need some recovery time.

I can do this. Sometimes I genuinely feel that I can and will get through this. Other times I want to lay on the floor and sob. But for now I feel that I can be okay.

You did brilliantly - polite and calm, perfect. You have no reason to engage with him now apart from on your terms.

He doesn't like the fact he no longer has an upper hand in this situation and it's thrown him. Tough. Now he will get a turn at having to second-guess situations and question himself. See how he likes it.

Keep hold of that cool exterior when he brings the children back and in all future encounters. I know you want to scream and cry and demand answers. That you want to know how he can behave like this towards you and the children. But you won't get a reasonable conversation nor the answers you want so don't open that can of worms.

You want him to break down, say sorry, admit he's a fool, beg forgiveness. It ain't going to happen. It might happen in the future but certainly not yet. Honeymoon period with the new woman and all that. Try not to fantasise about him doing that because it will drive you mad.

Staying calm with him also means he can't use your anger as another reason to justify why he left. Of course it's entirely reasonable for a person to feel angry when their spouse walks out but right now you need to play your cards close to your chest and not let him see that. It'll really unsettle him.

I hate game playing in life. But in this one situation I think it's exactly the thing you need to do to stay sane and stop him using your actions against you. He's had this all his own way and now you are taking back some power and control to protect yourself and your children.

Be proud of yourself. You are doing amazingly.

You are doing amazingly well!

Well done OP.
How dare he ask you what you need? As if you would have sat down and had time to calmly work it all out for him.
You sound angrier op and that's good, you can use that.
Whilst remaining unimpeachably calm with him mind, because that's what will spin him out the most and he can have no excuse for his behaviour now or going forwards.
As pp said, worth thinking about a solicitor now.I get that its hard but the worst thing I did was fail to see a solicitor for a good long while.I nearly made some huge mistakes working out finances as I was too upset and almost couldn't bring myself to deal with it all.Now I'm very glad I got advice as my position would be much worse had I not done.

I've done the handover back again and now I fee really flat. I just wish he would say sorry, it wouldn't make it right and it wouldn't really change anything but it feels so cruel that he's not saying it.

DD2 didn't take any milk from the bottle and she was sick twice. Great start.

But he won't because then he's have to admit that he's done something wrong.Right now he'll be justifying it to himself (and anyone else who will listen) as self preservation-he didn't have a choice as you were both so miserable kind of thing-utter bollocks but it is of course, the script. If he says sorry then he's admitting culpability-and that won't work for him.
Hope you have a quiet night with the DD's op-have you anyone with you?

He did admit he cheated though. He has used those words.

The other thing that I meant to say is that on, I think, Tuesday when I was being an idiot and trying to bend over backwards to do anything I could to minimise the stress on him and give him some freedom and independence, I said that I would get both girls to bed and I would sort something else and he said it seemed like I was planning for a life without him. At the time I said I wasn't planning but I was preparing myself (given the conversations) which are different things. He didn't like it at all. He didn't like the idea that I could be okay on my own. I think he genuinely thought I would be begging him to end it with this woman and come back to me and it will all be okay.

We're staying at my parents house tonight. We were going there for lunch tomorrow anyway so we thought we'd go and stay there tonight. My Mum has been staying at my house each night. I know I need to stand on my own two feet but I know how fragile I am emotionally as well. I have dealt with both of them at night and in the morning so Mum hasn't had to do anything but having her here and knowing I could ask her to help if need be helps mentally.

No he won't have liked the thought that you could cope without him-a) bad for his ego, b) because he was no doubt pretty scared about leaving-no sympathy obvs-but it's a big deal to leave a marriage and perhaps he was half hoping for an excuse to talk himself out of it in the moment.all a massive head fuck and those thoughts were probably fleeting for him.
But try and stop analysing it-its impossible to understand behaviour like this.
You don't need to stand on your own two feet just yet-fine and good that you can go to your mums and be looked after just now.

It's so hard not to analyse though. I have no other way of living. I analyse everything to the nth degree always. I don't know any other way.

I know... I am much the same.The problem here though is that even if you ask him, he won't give you the truth in all likelihood. It's the hardest thing in the world to stop wondering and trying figure it out-and just accept that you won't ever get the full picture, but you have to ultimately or else you will never be at peace. not yet though-it's only been a few days-be kind to yourself.

Thank you. I really do appreciate all of the support that I've been getting. It really is an enormous help.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by the way- being strong and stoic. It's the only way to handle these men. Big hugs

I have just read the whole of your thread and I just wanted to say I think your doing very well and to be kind to yourself. Your girls will be fine and see what a wonderful strong mum they have. Your family sound tops too:) I would also second/ third the MIL thing.... be careful.

Sending hugs x

I'm so tired I think it's sending me insane. I actually considered if this could all be a psychotic break on my part - maybe it's all delusions and hallucinations and I'll wake up on a psych ward to be told of these extreme scenarios I thought I was in. At the moment that seems like wishful thinking.

I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this. I feel like I've been strong all day and now that both DDs are asleep it's time for me to be weak. I want to run away. I was struggling enough with the responsibility of being a parent when it was a shared job, let alone doing it on my own and with these additional emotions and feelings of rejection, inadequacy and low self-worth. I don't know how I can do it.

Because you will and time is a great healer. You need sleep and people around you to bare the load. Let them. You are fragile and need them. We are here too. Sleep when they sleep xx

He really has hurt me so much. But I find myself still caring about him. I know that makes me a fool but just because his feelings changed it doesn't mean that mine did. His actions have made me hate him but it hasn't completely stripped away the love and every kind feeling I had towards him. I wish it would.

I'm still second guessing everything he thinks which I know isn't helpful or beneficial but I can't help it. So he says he's staying in the office again tonight (I know, I know, with the OW most likely) but if he is staying in the office then it just goes to show how little fucks he gives. If it was really hellish for him then surely he'd at least have tried to worm his way back in. Obviously being in a house with your loyal wife and beautiful children is worse than sleeping in your office. He must really hate us.

I did nothing wrong. My only failing is that I prioritised our children since DD2 was born, them and my own mental health, and as a result our relationship took a backseat but I thought we were strong enough to withstand that.

I still can't believe this has happened.

Just read your threads today but have been thinking of you and sending hugs.
Do try to sleep when you can and try to eat especially to keep up your strength.
So glad your will have family around you. You have such courage and strength in an awful situation not of your making.

I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.
None of us know how we are going to do it all. Get through it all.
But we do.
Just get through each day as best you can for now.
Cry when you can.
When you feel that panic attack coming on, sit dow, deep breaths.
You are a fantastic strong woman. You've proved that to yourself today.
But you absolutely will have very weak times as well.
Sleep tight.

DD1 woke up sobbing at 4am. She was completely inconsolable and woke DD2 up. I ended up sitting on the bed cuddling them both while they cried.

You are bound to be tired op.You have a tiny and a small child, and you have been through an awful few days. Tell your parents exactly what you have told us here-it's important to keep talking-and allow them to help. you need to sleep and eat.

If you are worried re your anxiety please get to the GP...again I didn't do this for too long-it would have been better for me to go sooner.

You are second guessing him because you know he isn't being honest.He isn't being honest because he is a coward. I know you don't want to hear this but I don't think he is sleeping at the office. If you do feel ready to speak to him, say to him that what he owes you as a minimum is some honesty-as that might be what helps you process this.

Hang in there OP.

I don't want to hear it from him. Maybe one day I will but at the moment I'm not strong enough to hear the truth and what difference does it make anyway. Where he stays or what he does now doesn't alter what he's done already.

Oh and re the GP, I'm planning to go tomorrow. I did go last week, when things weren't good but he was still there, because my anxiety levels were getting ridiculously high but the doctor said there's not really anything else I can take while I'm bfing. I'm already taking Citalopram and have gradually increased my dose since having DD2. That does get in to milk but she hasn't had any negative effects from it so it's possible I could increase it again.

This is really off topic but not worth starting another thread for - I thought yesterday that my periods had come back after having DD2 but it's really light, more like spotting. My periods after having DD1 were much heavier than before so I was expecting that. Is it likely to be light because I am still breastfeeding (I was expressing with DD1 when they came back but I was winding down at that point), or is it possible that I've got some spotting caused by stress? Is that a thing?

DD1 is still asleep. My Mum ended up getting in to bed with her (I love my Mum) as DD2 was also awake and feeding. It's probably helped DD1 to feel secure and comforted so if she wakes up she can settle back down more easily. She normally would have been awake for a couple of hours by now. She really needs to catch up on her sleep so hopefully this will do her some good.

Yes. It can be the stress.
I have the implant and hadn't had a period for years.
All this kicks off with me and I've had similar to you.
It lasted a good few weeks though
Try to have a better day today.
Lots of hugs and talk it out if you can.