Me and my husband are separating and I have no one to talk to

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I've left the house - arranged, I didn't just storm out - so we can get some space today and I will go back this evening to get both DDs to bed. DD2 is breastfed but there's expressed milk for her to have while I'm out. Then after they're asleep I'll go and stay somewhere else for the night. Tomorrow I'll go back and he'll leave, then I'll be the one at home all week as I'm on Mat leave and that's as far as we've got. Supposedly it's not permanent but I could be. I'm stuck. I wanted to stay and work on it but I understand his reasoning - we can't be in the same room without arguing and it's not good for anyone. But I'm scared.

Oh god. I'll be fine for a minute and then it'll hit me all over again and the pain is unbearable.

Can someone tell me it's possible to be happier single than you were in a relationship, even when you thought it was good? I need to know that I could achieve the peak of happiness, rather than just aiming to not feel the way I do now.

Absolutely. I was, it took some time but I was happier than I'd thought I'd be

I second the 'do not feel bad about breastfeeding'.

You can point out that you didn't realize you needed to prepare your DD to take a bottle from the beginning because it would be easier when you discovered her father was cheating on her family.

I feel so sick. Any tips to help the anxiety and settle my stomach?

Mint tea. Ginger biscuits.
Eat little and often.I lived on soup and smoothies, but might not be enough if you are bf'ing.
I also went through tons of Bach rescue remedy.
Make are you are getting outside for s by every day-it really will help.

For a bit that should say.

Oh lovely, what a complete and utter shit.

Have you tried rescue remedy? It might help a little- and yes you are completely right, try your best to just focus on now, your girls are fed and loved and that's all they need.

Eat and drink what you can even small amounts will help and rest as much as you can. Not only are you going through a huge emotional trauma but a physical one too.

He's such an utter fuckwit please don't waste your valuable energy worrying about him and his emotions or trying to be fair and reasonable.

When my ex d-h left me out of the blue many years ago I was convinced he was having a breakdown as was his mum and we even tried to call the crisis team.

He was, of course, completely sane and happily shacking up with the ow. I didn't know this for some months and in that time tortured myself wondering what I had done wrong and how I could have been better. I really wish now I hadn't put myself through that.

I now have a lovely dh, 2 dc and am happier then I could imagine. Ex tried to get on touch via Facebook a couple of years ago, I deleted his message without a second thought.

You can and you will get through this- one step at a time

I've got some rescue remedy as I had it when DD1 was in NICU. It's odd but this situation feels similar to that - a trauma, followed by uncertainty with mixed emotions, fear, self-blame, lots of tears, shock, complete detachment from the outside world and among it all a tiny glimmer of hope and a reason to keep going. So on top of everything else, it's making me very reflective of that time which was the cause of my PTSD so I'm struggling quite a bit on that front too.

I actually wish I'd be sick, I think it would help.

It is a trauma though hon. Is he bringing the girls out today? If he is could you meet a friend for a coffee and a chat x

Great. My body has decided now is the time for my periods to come back. You've got to be fucking kidding me!

He's going to be here soon, I think I'm going to vomit. I need to control my breathing, I'm panting.

Oh god I feel really unwell.

Deep breathes try and keep strong. X

He's here. I haven't even looked at him. I've answered his questions but haven't said anything else. He's getting some clothes from upstairs.

I want to cry, vomit, scream, hurt him. But I'm sitting calmly.

I'm on the brink of tears.

When you are going through hell, just keep on going. You are worth so much more than this apology for a human being.

Are you ol

He's gone.

I'm incredibly proud of myself. Aside from one slight comment when he asked me if I needed anything from the car and I said "I've already got everything I need out of the bag of kids stuff that was in the boot", I didn't say anything. I was cool as a cucumber. Outwardly anyway.

He asked me if I've been eating I just said a non-committal "mmm".

He's taking them to a kids party, one of DD1s friends and he asked what he should say to the parents there, should he tell them I'm ill. I said there's no need to lie and he said "well I don't think you'd be very happy if I told them the truth" to which I said "why not? I've got nothing to be embarrassed about". That made him angry and he stormed out the room. He asked when we were going to talk and I said there's nothing to talk about. A while later he said "I know you hate me and I understand why but at some point we need to talk because I need to know what you need from me", I said I didn't know what I need from him, he said for mortgage, food, nursery, he needs to know how much I need so he knows how much he has to spend renting somewhere. (I literally have no idea to begin with that).

He seemed pissed off with me which I could not believe. And there was no attempt at an apology or anything. I still want him to grovel and realise what a mistake he's made, not that I would take him back but he's a fool and I wish he could see that.

DD1 got really upset when they left, she wanted to know why I wasn't going. She also said to fucktard that she wanted him to get her to sleep last night. She asked him why he was going back to work. I feel so awful for her. She didn't want to leave me and she was asking where my Mum was. He also barely acknowledged DD2 which pissed me off. I don't think he's going to want anything to do with her long term and that makes me really sad but DD1 is very strong willed and very protective of her little sister and I don't see her putting up with that. She's only 3 but even at the moment she'd have a comprehension of that not being right and that will only be more apparent as she gets older.

God I really hate him right now. He was wearing his wedding ring and I've taken mine off. I hope he noticed and I hope it hurt. I can't believe it's all ended this way with such animosity. As a couple we had arguments but we were always very reasoned and fair.

You did brilliantly. You are doing great. What an absolute fucktard.

You can't understand it, or analyse it. It's unfathomable how someone can behave so atrociously.

Keep on swimming. And when you can stomach it, as soon as you can stomach, see a solicitor.

Well done. Stay on the high road.

Does he honestly think after what he's put me through I'm going to be lovely and chatty and make his life easy?

I think he's really pissed off that he's not getting a reaction out of me. This is completely unchartered territory for me. Previously, in any arguments I have always told him exactly how I feel, I've always shown my emotions whether that's anger or hurt or despair. I have never given him the silent treatment but now I am, well in fact I've gone one better, I'm not silent, I'm not being rude, I'm not doing anything wrong and it pisses him off. He is angry and he wants to take that out on me but he's not getting the opportunity. I'd like to think he's scared too but I'm not so sure.

He just sent me a text saying "DD2 just vomited all down me". I'd like to think that's her protest! I just replied asking if she's okay.

What's your plans while they are out

I'm currently having a glass of wine. I know it's only the afternoon but I thought I'd take the rare opportunity knowing that DD2 won't need to feed for a couple of hours so the alcohol has time to pass out of my milk.

What I'd really love to do is have a sleep but I need to go to the supermarket.

I'm so tired though.