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Original poster

different ideas about sex

172 replies

Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 10:38

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period. Wink

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum Blush although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of Confused.

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment Confused

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
Goforit2017 · 25/03/2017 09:17

I'm not surprised you are feeling fed up. He sounds like a complete pain. All that sexting gets tiresome after a while. I bet you're rolling your eyes as he's wanking away at the end of the phone.

Joysmum · 25/03/2017 10:06

Tell him you like he's always been very open and honest about what he wants and likes about your sexual relationship, but then ask him what he thinks you want and like sexually.

I think it'd be more beneficial to hear what he has to say first rather than you simply just doing all the talking.

honeyroar · 25/03/2017 11:40

I think you're probably just bored of sex, it's a chore with him. I wouldn't want sex with him from reading this.vvI'd have that conversation, if you're not sure whether you want to end it or not, it can't hurt.

Happybunny19 · 25/03/2017 13:51

Why carry this charade on any longer? You admitted before you're not feeling it with this man, just end it. Unless you're enjoying the drama i have no idea what's making you stay in a relationship you clearly don't want. You have no home or kids keeping you with him, so I guess you just don't want to be single.

Branleuse · 25/03/2017 14:07

I think it would be a shame if you couldnt talk to him about this and get him to understand what YOU really like, as he sounds lovely in other ways, but too fixated on the massive sessions.

Oblomov17 · 25/03/2017 14:21

Wonder if it would come as a shock, to him?

I'd considered ending it .......

It sounds tiresome.

JessicaEccles · 25/03/2017 16:33

God- it sounds like you're going to end up yelling 'JUST GET OFF MY LEG' Grin
You have been more than patient- but he's not actually listening to you, or treating you like a person. I don't know how you can bear it.

disappearingfish · 25/03/2017 16:44

It's just so juvenile and tedious. I seriously don't know any adults who behave in this way.

I think you could do better than this guy.

BubblingUp · 25/03/2017 16:56

It sounds like you have lost interest in him.

And unfortunately, it sounds like he could just substitute in one of those expensive fancy sex dolls in your place.

picklemepopcorn · 25/03/2017 17:10

He sounds a bit like he objectifies you. Your primary purpose is as a sex toy, and the other elements of your relationship are the hoops he has to jump through. He wants your primary focus to be sex, rather than that being one element.

I'd find it so creepy... And the lack of sensitivity to ebb and flow- like someone who can't have a conversation because they can only talk.

Joysmum · 25/03/2017 17:21

And unfortunately, it sounds like he could just substitute in one of those expensive fancy sex dolls in your place

I appreciate this isn't my area of expertise (nothing is!) but surely men don't spend hours and hours treating sex as an art and just fuck a sex doll to get their rocks off? Confused

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 26/03/2017 08:57

Thanks all.
It is because he is pretty great when fully clothed and not on this topic not because I don't want to be single. I've been single for years I'm not scared of it. He is great company in person when it's not bedroom related! This is what holds me back: is this something we can overcome because otherwise it's pretty good? But it's just becoming a bigger issue as time goes on. It is hard to speak to him without hurting his feelings and I can come across a bit blunt. He told me that I can when I talked about this before I don't dally around the edge of it.
I also don't think this makes him a bad guy but it is tiresome.

He leaves early on Sunday mornings so he's left now. Sex this weekend started out really really great then was somewhat ruined by him keep 'resting' repeatedly instead of just coming and I got annoyed and said look I thought the purpose of sex was to enjoy for a while, then come? I think we have different ideas as to how much 'resting' is enjoyable for us both (stopping 2 mins then starting again) And his idea of enjoying sex is to try enjoy it as long as you possibly can and avoid coming. I think he gets the message now that it's not my cup of tea and it's putting me off sex.
It's kind of like I know it's over deep down but I'm not ready to address it. I'm being a coward

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/03/2017 09:09

Oh god, I couldn't hack this bloke at all.

I'd start to dread it.

Stopping every two minutes is a dick move. It's "orgasm denial", except he never asked if you were into that. At least you told him off for it.

I really think you should bin him. It's not getting better. When you're not having sex you can see it's all he thinks about, and when you are having sex it's all just fucking annoying. Bleeeuuurgh.

Goforit2017 · 26/03/2017 09:10

I could not be arsed.

Isadora2007 · 26/03/2017 09:41

It sounds like you're not quite telling him what it is you actually want. And I'm not sure you k ow what it is you want. I am thinking perhaps you could do with some kind of counselling to help you become more aware of what a healthy relationship looks like for you and how to express your wishes and desires in a way that isn't either withheld or completely blunt. You sound quite all or nothing. So finding your shades of grey (just not fifty!!) would be good.
In many ways I feel sorry for this man though. It sounds like you've gone along with it for a long time and you've given him the impression all is well (because you haven't said it isn't ) and now you're asking him to change but still not being clear. Like you enjoy the "first" part of the marathons but then want the rest over and done. So have you actually said "I enjoy sex with you but I would like to come once and then have you come shortly afterwards"? Or "once I come I would prefer to have you come too"? I'm not sure whether you have.
As for the other stuff I feel you're now looking for an excuse to dump him. You say he is wonderful and list a lot of things but then say "I don't think I'd miss him" in the next post. You are picking up on him wanking and having bad breath etc. That's like you're now actively trying to excuse yourself out of the relationship.
You don't need an excuse. If you don't want to be with him own it.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/03/2017 09:54

Oh god just LTB- he isn't going to change. He would end up bring just another job on my jobs list. I'd begin to dread every session.

I feel bit sorry for him as he sounds a nice chap but I couldn't put up with it.

arsenaltilidie · 26/03/2017 11:29

I agree he sounds like a lovely chap but OP just end it already!
You are not into him and are not sexually compatible.

I mean all these conversations about "put my hand there...no I'll get horny" must be tedious.

Relationships need effort but when you find yourself making too much effort this early on then it's not meant to be.

picklemepopcorn · 26/03/2017 13:24

Strangely, despite his every effort, he's not a sensitive lover. He can't adapt his pace to match yours. The effort needed to sustain interest and engagement over time like that is a real turn off. I think men can do it because arousal is fairly easy for them, whereas women are likely to 'go off the boil' so to speak!

Wauden · 26/03/2017 14:31

Actually, this style suits me! We are all different, perhaps. Not so much of all the resting, though.

sucue · 26/03/2017 15:15

Never mind the crap sex, surely the burping and bad breath is enough of a reason to dump him.

ahamsternest · 26/03/2017 15:58

He sounds like a dog humping your leg. Unable to touch your breast because he's turned on? It sounds like he is really lacking in self-control and immature.

I know you say he's great otherwise, but it comes off a bit like women in abusive relationships who say their DP is fine except on the occasions he gives them a slap.

A fundamental issue in one area of your relationship is reason enough to end it. Hell you don't even "need" a reason. You are a free woman under no obligation to commit to anyone.

Phoebefromfriends · 26/03/2017 16:05

This relationship sounds like a mare. If you aren't sexually compatible this early on its not going to get any better, he hasn't listened to you and it seems like sex is a major control thing for him and that's a red flag for me. I'd dump him and move on.

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