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Original poster

different ideas about sex

172 replies

Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 10:38

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period. Wink

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum Blush although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of Confused.

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment Confused

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:04

I do need to tell him. I will. I'm determined now because I have laid it all out that I am going to begin to dread it.

He's worked out how to give me a massive orgasm, which I appreciate but afterwards I go off the boil, he would love to give me multiple orgasms as he tells me a lot but like you I just don't think I am made that way. After one it could take me hours to have another and the sensitivity goes all awry I think. I think he's trying to create something that isn't going to happen for me.

I have come up with all ways of hurrying him along, sometimes they don't work but kegals and the whisper do work a lot.

OP posts:
DinkyGT · 18/02/2017 12:06

Op this sounds like a familiar situation! I totally understand how difficult it is to be tactful in approaching the subject - DP can be a little sensitive if I bring up anything to do with sex but most posters are right - you need to say what it is that you like and your sex life needs to be a balance or a mix of what pleases you both equally. Sometimes long sessions are lovely but most of the time I just need 'a good seeing to'! Drawn out sessions are the worst when you're not into it and this then offers nothing of value to the intimacy of your relationship. I also find that I climax better when he is about to let go which is what I told my DP and has helped him relax more and get to it! Good luck OP Wink

CandleWithHair · 18/02/2017 12:09

What was that thread the other day about the weird things people say during sex? All I remember, and perhaps what you should try, is "none of yer fancy stuff, just horse it in me." 😂

Jokes aside, I think you've had some cracking advice here. It sounds like you have a good relationship overall, so you owe it to both of you to make sure he understands why a happy meal from time to time is just as delicious as the 7 course tasting menu with matching wines. Good luck!

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:10

I want something fast and dirty a lot of the time!
Problem is with our schedules and kids this isn't always possible so we have fallen into knowing in advance the night we will see each other and him trying to build it up over the course of a few days.

I think a good start would be staying in less and going out because the last few times we just go straight to bed and stay there early evening all night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:11

Haha I will read that thread and find some new things to whisper! Might leave out the horse part Confused

OP posts:
noego · 18/02/2017 12:14

I am an experienced practitioner of tantric sex and TBH this doesn't sound like that. It sounds more like Chinese water torture. In fact although he seems to be an unselfish lover, he is in fact very selfish if your needs are not being met and so can therefore be seen as sadistic if he is putting your through this amount of discomfort. It can also be seen as manipulative and abusive.
I'm sure you do not need telling that an emotional connection between two people is paramount and that includes the intimate side of that emotional connection. Which would include, quickies, vanilla sex, tantric sex, and other experimental sex to discover what each others needs are.
I am sure you are tired of this same old, same old, and it is the same old same old type of sex that destroys relationships.
If he isn't listening to you, then you need to end it. What happens when he isn't listening to your emotional needs, or listening in other aspects of the relationship. i.e. finances, children etc etc

Gallavich · 18/02/2017 12:19

I find this kind of sexual expectation quite controlling actually. It is set up to pander to the man's ego rather than what you actually want, and rather than being fun and enjoyable for you it becomes a performative chore.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:21

I think the first time we do it, it's very long intense and intimate and satisfying etc, but that's enough for me but not for him. So this is the part where it gets selfish, because he wants to go again later on, and on, and then morning too! I have turned him down before, he doesn't sulk or try manipulate me. I always stop if it hurts or I was sore, he would not want that (but I have lube anyway as an enjoyment thing too).

OP posts:
peaceout · 18/02/2017 12:24

Sounds like he wants to consume and possess you?

category12 · 18/02/2017 12:27

I think you have to have a talk with him.

He's got to understand that all women are not the same and the multi-orgasm thing isn't going to happen. And that there's a discrepancy here between what you want in bed.

If it's just that he's trying too hard, it might be a relief. If it's a libido mismatch, you might come to some common ground, but I'd be concerned for the longterm.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:33

I'm really hoping it's not the beginning of end of things he's a lovely partner to me otherwise. I haven't helped by going along with it all this time so in his mind I am on the same page. That part is my fault but then I didn't see it lasting and increasing like this initially. I don't want to suddenly say well I never liked this all along!
im definitely too much of a pleaser, I did something small yesterday he asked that I didn't mind doing but it didn't turn me on in the very slightest but he probably thinks it did so I am not helping myself here

OP posts:
Catherinebee85 · 18/02/2017 12:41

I think you just need to be quite direct and not beat around the bush (haha)

Be direct and just say although you do appreciate the efforts he makes, sometimes it should just be passionate, frantic, in the moment and quick! That's just you stating your needs honestly. He might be hurt, you might need to give him lots of praise re his previous 'performance' as he might feel you're saying you haven't been enjoying it, he might feel a bit rejected.

You need to do it sooner rather than later!

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:54

I tried this recently with the quick and frantic but I should have been more direct and just got stuck right in, because instead he just used this as foreplay to the Big Event a few days later, and I was left unsatisfied on that occasion in anticipation for the marathon. I see this more clearly now!

OP posts:
Gallavich · 18/02/2017 12:56

You mean he didn't allow you to orgasm?

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 12:59

I wanted to have sex that time, he did not. So we didn't. But we got passionate to a degree, and now I feel like that missed opportunity was missed because it was being saved for the big event a few days later, and that me being turned on was like foreplay to him for that.
It's clear he likes this control thing

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 18/02/2017 13:08

I had one like this.
It was most tedious and one of the reasons why i ditched him.

Gallavich · 18/02/2017 13:10

That's really not ok
It has shades of d/s which is not my cup of tea, and sounds like not yours either.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 13:14

Gallavich I have just started thinking the same thing. I'm not sure it is my cup of tea. The idea of it doesn't really do much for me in general. But if he likes it I am happy to mess about and try things. But I don't want him to end up with someone who doesn't like the type of sex he wants either. I don't think I can be converted into a sub

OP posts:
category12 · 18/02/2017 14:59

Especially not by stealth. The thing about BDSM is it's supposed to be negotiated (not by contracts and shit like that, unless you like that kind of thing) but by actual discussion and informed consent.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 15:12

I think he just assumes I feel the same or that I can tell how he's feeling.

Things I have been thinking about that put into perspective the by stealth d/s situation;

  • He preplans things intensely and doesn't always tell me what they are or what he is thinking, but hints about it
  • he likes it when I can't see him or know what he is going to do (not that it is ever anything horrible or painful)
  • when he gets near the end he holds on to me hard with both hands, it's really dominant.
  • he has started to admit he thinks about having sex with me constantly, either replaying it in his mind or planning new scenarios
  • he gets more turned on by what he does to me/the effects than by anything I could ever do to him (does this render me a bit obsolete?)
OP posts:
Gottabeaneasierway · 18/02/2017 15:13

It sounds horrendous. All that time and effort when you just want to get on with it. Like you say you will come to dread it. I don't see how he will change though even if you discuss it.

Gottabeaneasierway · 18/02/2017 15:14

Your last post makes it sound even worse.

Somerville · 18/02/2017 15:15

Ugh. The more you say the more I think that a straightforward chat isn't going to help. He might pretend to listen and agree, but then he'll slip back to his old ways.

I would ditch someone like this.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 15:15

Also add to the list often when I will offer to do something and say it's his turn (blow job for instance) he often doesn't want one!

OP posts:
XiCi · 18/02/2017 15:16

My initial thoughts when reading your posts were how incredibly submissive you seemed. You seem to have let him control every aspect of your sex life for a year and I agree with pp that it almost sounds sadistic, like something you are subjected to. And him not letting you orgasm when you initiated a quicky is just him putting you in your place. It sounds horrendous tbh. You need to tell him exactly how you feel, don't skirt around the issues in case you hurt his feelings, you need to be clear.