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Original poster

different ideas about sex

172 replies

Kikikaakaa · 18/02/2017 10:38

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period. Wink

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum Blush although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of Confused.

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment Confused

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

OP posts:
BeverlyGoldberg · 19/02/2017 09:55

Could you take a little snack box to bed with you?

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 10:17

I'm not planning on taking snacks, I don't want to spend the entire evening in bed all the time.

His reaction to my suggestion was 'excitement' but I am expecting he will feel super uncomfortable with the whole thing and it will fall a bit flat. I'm hoping not but I am prepared this might not go well

OP posts:
flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 19/02/2017 20:39

Sorry Kit my phone died.
Training is hard but worth it, you start with telling him the pressure actually puts you off sex all together. But you have a way to make you both happy, taking the lead is good. I told dh all sex had to be initiated by me or not at all until further notice and this was really hard but put me in control. So any unwanted touching or comments are greeted with ' no ' that's it no other words then I'd leave the room. Also when having sex I would be very clear about what made me feel good and ask what he felt good with, this would work us both up but also mean his focus was off so no marathons.
We still have to go back over the rules and at times it's really hard but worth it totally for a great mutual experience, he will sulk and try his luck to start with though. Hth

HelenDenver · 19/02/2017 21:06

A partner who thinks he know better about what you want than you is pretty fucking arrogant. No wonder you feel like an object - he is treating you like a woman shaped object in his bed and he knows "what women want" (as if women aren't individuals).

Can I recommend you read "Come As You Are" by Emily nagoski? And if he seems open to change, suggest he reads it too.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 21:16

Thanks both, good advice there. I will check the book out.

He hasn't mentioned anything regarding sex again since last night, just normal every day stuff.
He never gropes me or anything, he also doesn't send or say to me constant dirty things it's just that he has let slip more than once that it's on his mind 'constantly' although he doesn't always make me aware of it. So I don't know that it is on his mind at the time, and everything seems normal, but he will drop in somewhere that it has been. It's sometimes a bit intense concept IMO Blush.

I still believe deep down that premature ejaculation is at the root of some of this, me being in charge may make him feel emasculated and that coming too soon might make him look bad/weak? In front of me.

I mean yeah, it's an issue if you can't last more than a few moments but he can - so he needs to find the middle ground.

Also having a high sex drive and only being able to have sex once a week or once every 2 weeks (as we don't live together) does seem to be a factor but there isn't much I can do about that. I would like him to see that you don't need to cram in 14 days of sex in one night!

OP posts:
YetAnotherGuy · 19/02/2017 23:16

This was how I used to be - although you could divide the timings mentioned here by a factor of 4 in my case

I used to read about how men should not be selfish and that women didn't like short sex sessions which left them feeling frustrated. In addition, you want the woman to think that you're a good lover which we can interpret as having loads of stamina

Premature ejaculation was talked about as something to be ashamed of, so you'd try to keep it going as long as possible

And obviously the sex was incredibly enjoyable

I think the answer lies in better communication - doesn't have to be direct

Of course, there may be a different, darker reason for all of this, but don't assume that there is at this stage

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 19/02/2017 23:28

Very helpful to have a mans perspective thank you.

I notice some things about him that makes me wonder about PE - maybe you can help me! I would like to be aware so I don't make things worse if this is the case, and then he can open up to me without worrying I will think he is less manly.
Sometimes I notice that he kind of gets really shaky, his arms and legs for instance, even from the start of the action. Then I feel he is really reluctant for me to touch him. He stops and starts a lot, he doesnr keep a rhythm going for very long, especially not a fast one.

I usually end up telling him that I would very much like him to finish, sometimes I have to say it twice Confused and then he does quite quickly

OP posts:
YetAnotherGuy · 20/02/2017 09:51

It could be a fear of PE, rather than PE itself

I remember that my first sexual experience was a disaster (A lack of sex education meant that I wasn't aware that it wasn't going to happen if the man wasn't erect!). And - I haven't reflected on this for years - but it could be that this made me even keener to prove that I had what it takes. And the length of time taken was always mentioned as a key indicator

And for all our apparent bravado, our sexual confidence can be a very fragile thing

I do think you need to tackle this but in a nice way

If he's into football, you could mention that while he might like to watch 90 minutes (and even extra time), you would prefer 10 minutes on Match of the Day. I suspect that he wouldn't want to have to watch a football match lasting 12 or 24 hours ...

Good luck!

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 21/02/2017 19:05

Good analogy!
I hope he isn't reading mumsnet Confused because he has not mentioned anything else sexual at all and has been very loving and supportive in the last few days... he even text me something like 'that's why I love you'

All of this is very confusing because it felt strange during sex but so nice now

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 21/02/2017 22:18

Definitely talk to him about it. He is probably not even aware that you feel like this. Give him a good chance, be clear on what you want. If he ignores your desires and feelings then that is a different matter and personally I would leave.

thegreysheep · 21/02/2017 23:39

A guy I was seeing until recently reminds me of this. At first it was great. Lots of worship and attention after 2 years of virtually no sex with ex- what's not to like.
But the lack of real spontaneity made it boring after a while. Also the pressure to 'enjoy '. Quite manipulative and more about his ego and wants really.
Have had a few fast and furious fumbles since we split with another guy and although technically it wasn't so 'EPIC' it was definitely more fun and real and with genuine spontaneous feeling.
See if it improves but if not go with your gut. If it doesn't improve it may seem as if he's serving your needs but is actually serving needs of his own. Kind of passive aggressive in a way when you think about it!

AllTheLight · 22/02/2017 07:36

If he is reading this, then great! You've said all the things you want to say without having to have the awkward conversation!!

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 22/02/2017 17:18

He's moved back to mini planning the sexual activity part of the upcoming weekend PMSL. I'm happy to flirt and mess about in a build up but I'm being purposefully vague about everything. I wish he would just shut up and go with the flow once in a while!

OP posts:
category12 · 22/02/2017 17:52

I'm glad you can laugh about it. Sounds like he's not going to alter.

CocoaX · 22/02/2017 18:28

Well, he is testing your boundaries then, because he is doing what you have said you were not comfortable about and you are having to reassert those boundaries in a different way (by being vague).

Walkacrossthesand · 22/02/2017 20:44

I have to say, it doesn't sound much like what you do in bed is 'make love', any more than a fancy gourmet dish satisfies hunger -do you feel 'made love to' rather than 'worked on' at the end of it all? Would he let you take charge and make love to him the way you want to?

AllTheLight · 22/02/2017 20:51

OP, if you're being vague then he probably still doesn't realise how strongly you feel about this. If you want him to change then you need to be upfront about it!

YetAnotherGuy · 22/02/2017 21:06

Some of the talk here seems unduly negative

I like thinking about sex in advance simply because it's just so great

Perhaps he's the same

mumoseven · 22/02/2017 21:17

Once with my ex I was thinking 'oh for fucks sake just get on with it!' during an epic session when he froze, stopped short and I realised I'd said it out loud.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 22/02/2017 22:31

Yeah I am laughing mostly because it's predicable I suppose.

No way am I having this kind of conversation any other way than face to face, and I haven't seen him since just talking on the phone.

The phrase make love does make me feel a bit cringy. I'm not sure I want him to make love to me but what I aim to explain to him quite clearly is that we have to stop at the point before you end up feeling 'worked on', which is how I ended up feeling. I don't start off that way. It's bloody lovely the first time. It's just that you know 3 times in a row in the same method/style/time frame is OTT and he has to relax and let it be fun too. If he can't see my view point on it then it will be over

OP posts:
Silentplikebath · 22/02/2017 23:19

I dated someone similar to this many years ago. The way I explained it to him was I didn't want a full five course banquet every time. Sometimes I wanted a quick snack or a main course without starter or dessert.

I knew I had to say something once I started finding looking at the cobwebs on the ceiling light fitting more interesting than what was happening in bed!

arsenaltilidie · 23/02/2017 05:47

Your BF sounds like he read a lot of 'pick up' books because of how he reference being called a 'nice guy' and the way he has sex with you feels like he might have read a book about it and took it too literally.

Another possible explanation is he takes viagra which might explain the scheduled sex and refusal to spontaneous sex.
Either way you may have to be very direct with this one.

Original poster
Kikikaakaa · 25/02/2017 08:58

I report back haha
Going out and getting a bit tipsy worked wonders, it was very relaxed and fun and none of this intense 50 Shades malarkey. I got to be in charge and when I push back to anything or make a suggestion he does listen and adapt.

Although we ended up in a conversation again about him being boring/sensible and I got quite cross about it - I said sensible isn't boring, you aren't boring and stop saying that you think you are. I don't want some bad boy idiot, and we talked about how our past shaped us as adults today etc etc kind of thing. We had really different upbringings, mine was chaotic and shit and his was grounded and loving. I was a teen rebel and it took me a long time to grow up (probably when I was about 30!), whereas he is sensible. One of my worse fears is my DC having the same childhood I did so I am now mature and sensible myself - although I do seem to have a LOT of crazy life experiences and not many of them he can relate to, I think we found some common ground in it's not about the past it's about the now. I think he was questioning whether he's enough for me because he can't believe his luck that I am interested in him whereas I am more relaxed and feel like we are equals.

OP posts:
AllTheLight · 25/02/2017 09:48

Sounds promising so far, OP! Hope it works out for you Smile

disappearingfish · 11/03/2017 07:15

Is it still going well OP?