different ideas about sex

[Kikikaakaa]

I'm a lurker not much of a poster. This is a sex 'problem' which feels ridiculous to post! I'm really sorry if it looks like a brag or something, it is not my intention at all.

I don't live with my DP/BF of over a year but we see each other frequently or at least speak every day if we can't see each other.
Everything is lovely. Kids have met and get on. He is great. We don't fall out about anything, still very much honeymoon period.

Which lies the issue, I didn't want to post in sex forum although it's a sex issue. He is not a sleazy guy, and he is very very respectful to me as a woman and a person. He would never send me an unsolicited dick pic etc or do anything I didn't like. But he's so dedicated to the art of sex that it's very driven and controlled instead of spur of the moment. This is so hard to explain... he likes to make the entire session last hours and hours. Sting and Trudy style. He clearly gives it a LOT of thought and although I appreciate getting spoilt, it's easy to get really tired and lose interest after a certain length of time. Which I then feel bad about because he's putting in so much effort. So he will sort me out first but make that last ages and then try to make himself last for a long period of time. I am trying new ingenious ways of ensuring he can't last!
I want to address it, and I have said to him before - how about a quicky? Or I will stop it because I'm hungry and need a rest, and he is fine with this. He doesn't get annoyed. But he doesn't seem to want a quicky, sometimes we miss opportunities to have sex because it won't be An Event Of Epic Proportion like a 3 hour action movie. The other day we didn't have very long but I was up for it, and he turned me down due to lack of time.

I don't want to hurt his (ego) feelings or his enjoyment thing he has that I clearly am a big part of .

There is also a little part of me that although I appreciate being sexually worshipped, I feel like this is time spent that we could be you know, talking, or doing something else equally intimate.

I think he has insecurities that he hasn't really discussed and I am not sure he is really aware of them. He wants me to know he isn't just a 'nice guy' and isn't boring so is trying to prove this. I suspect he had crap sex with his ex wife and hasn't had much experience before that so at times I feel a bit like a sexual experiment

Does any of this make sense? Am I being a spoilt brat?

Hey thanks for asking

Things do seem to have improved in some ways, definitely none of these extra long endless sessions, also I have been much more direct about what i do and don't want, but not in a badly bossy way.

At the same time I can see he's struggling not to try to have sex with me or talk about sex all the flipping time, so maybe he will politely sit and watch a film with me when I know really he wants to jump on me. Also sometimes if he wants to text about sex I will just say now 'I'm tired tonight' but then indulge him another time. Partly I am flattered but he really does have it on the brain 24/7! He just tries not to be too pushy about it

TBH that sounds quite tedious. Do you actually have interests in common or is it just about sex for him? E.g. do you go and see a band you both like,or an exhibition or walk in the countryside or swap novels?

Yeah we do loads of things like that too from time to time as well. We had stayed in more recently just due to money and travelling as we don't live together or we do things with our kids too.

It's kind of like when you were a teenage girl and you realised teenage boys thought about sex all the time. From what he's said he just feels like we have really good sex and it makes him feel connected to me so he loves it. I think his sex drive is higher than mine but he doesn't pressure me into sex all the time or anything!

I don't think teenage boys do think about sex all the time. They also think about food and music and sport and study and politics and travel and fashion.

I'm not trying to put you off him but maybe after your previous experiences you might have set your bar a tad low?

Yeah probably comparing to teenage boys I knew, I agree.
Part of me is really reluctant to worry about this too much because he has so many other brilliant qualities and he's so lovely. Maybe this is just the annoying part of him, as i am sure I have mine?

Only you can know how you feel about him

He seems to tick a lot of boxes but ultimately it's a gut feeling about a person

OK he has sex on his mind a lot. Sounds pretty normal to me

And don't all relationships however good involve a certain amount of compromise?

He's coming over later and I already know I don't really feel like having sex. Not sure why. Maybe it is because I am not quite finished period (it's kind of like the last day) also I have had a headache all day like a tension headache and that's not putting me in the mood either. I don't think he will mind too much.
I've started thinking about sometimes why I don't want to have sex, recently I have just not felt like it at all?! Last time we did, it was obvious I wasn't as excited because I wasn't very turned on (in the obvious way!) and I don't know why. I did have an orgasm in the end.

The other day when he came over we just watched TV. I lay on him cuddling him and he kept resting his right hand on the nape of my neck. I moved his hand. He put the hand back. I said it felt heavy and unnatural so he moved it but said 'I like your neck'. I don't understand that. Is that a thing? Then I plonked his hand on my boob instead, which was more obvious than the neck at the angle I was in, and he said he couldn't touch it as it would turn him on too much (my kids were asleep, we were just watching TV no sex).

Also I have already addressed with him before, but he hasn't done anything about it - he has issues with his digestion. It can be really Off putting. I will have to bring that up again too as I don't always want to kiss him for that long!

So when you tell him you don't feel like sex tonight, will he be ok with that?

To be fair to him, is the problem with his digestion something he can do anything about? Seems pretty harsh to blame him for a health complaint.

You don't sound particularly keen on him. Are you sure you're not forcing a relationship that simply isn't working for you?

It's something he should go to the GP about, and he did before, got tablets, never took them and then still suffers terrible indigestion forever more so he is living off the fast relief type ones instead of a reflux control prescribed one which IMO he needs. So he's always in pain and burping and can have bad breath. He complains he's in pain with indigestion - sometimes awake all night, I tell him he needs to see a Dr for actual tests/advice but he never does. The over the counter stuff doesn't really help.

As for the relationship, I do go through short periods of feeling that way and this is one of them. I can never really pin point the feeling - and then it goes away. I don't show him or tell him about it at the time because then things change.
I've never really had this in a relationship I am either all in or all out.

Him putting his hands on you when you clearly didn't like it is intrusive and disrespectful. The burping is gross.

I was talking to a friend about this and they said I am commitment phobic. Also that he's way more into me than I am into him. It could be that I am just doing the whole self preservation thing: I hate him paying for things, never ask him to do things for me etc, but at the same time I don't mind him being around a lot of the time and sometimes I love him being around.
He's brought up 'the future' a lot and that certainly freaks me out, I am not sure I can live with someone again, not sure whether I would be doing it for love or just stability/finances, and it's just too soon to discuss it. He would see me more often, I am happy with once or twice a week.

Commitment phobic is a stupid term and often applied to women who are sensibly cautious. Why should you commit to someone before you are ready to?

Currently I'm just not feeling it. Something is missing? I don't know if it's enough to end things. I think if the feeling continues and doesn't get better then I will

OP this isn't sounding great. No need to rush into anything but I'm not sure this one's a keeper.

You sound completely sensible and I'm sure you will make the right decision for you.

He sounds.......ok. I'm not sure that's a good thing though

Although some of the little niggly things do make it seem there is a slight undercurrent of control from him?

if you can't tolerate it now you will detest it and him in 5 years time. Sorry but if that was me he's be dumped.

It sounds exhausting.

Ok. So. You're going to have to give him some VERY big pointers. Real huge signposts.

I think he's doing the whole hours of worshipping your body thing because he thinks that's what you want, he thinks that would be any woman's idea of perfection, and he is a bit bothered that if he just went with his carnal instincts, it'd all be over in about 35 hot steamy seconds.
OK maybe 45.

And he thinks that would be ... rubbish. That he'd be crap. That you'd think he was useless. That you wouldn't want him.

He might also have watched too much porn (I had this discussion only recently - no, I would not want a guy with a giant dick that was hard for 10 hours, no thank you, not nice, I like yours, and I like it when we go snugly to sleep after a session which probably lasted about 15 minutes and was quite perfect).

I feel quite sorry for him. But also I would find the whole thing quite upsetting and annoying, I'm sure. Because in the absence of you saying anything, he's just kind of going on with what he thinks and hopes must be right and must be what you want, and it's probably not even that nice for him.

You need to feed a few pieces of information to him. You'll have to pick your moment, and probably have to repeat a few times over several weeks or months. Eg:

I love quick sex.

I don't always have to come to have an amazing time.

How quickly can you come? It's so hot when you just can't stop yourself and have to come even when you're trying to hold it back.

I love being held (ie and not constantly toyed with).

Lie back. It's my turn now. You aren't allowed to touch me. (and then you touch him, etc.)

He has to let you express yourself as well. At the moment he's leading all the time, and quite blindly. It isn't sustainable and he's going to put you off him. Don't say as much, but really think out your own feelings and what you like and start telling him.

And tell him that if you are touched too much then it stops being nice. He's got to get that through his head. And also that once you've come then you want him not to take ages because tbh the natural reaction of anyone after an orgasm is to want a little rest ...

I know ... get him into coming at the same time as you. The Holy Grail. Tell him that's what you want. Not on your own. You don't want to leave him behind. Etc.

Just force yourself to start communicating with him. He needs to know.

Sorry, just read your couple more posts while I was so busy with my Ms Sex Therapist bonnet on : D

I'm changing my response now:

I don't think you're suited to him. If he isn't in rhythm with you by now, he never will be. You shouldn't have to tell him. And I don't think your commitment phobic - I think you just aren't that into him. And he's starting to repel you.

Be kind and think something up and split up with him. Let him lavish all that on someone else. I'm sure someone will like it. I personally wouldn't really - well, certainly not with someone who I wasn't that turned on by. I would literally hate it. Would come out in hives (not joking).

End it.

(apologies in advance if me posting makes anyone uncomfortable) I'm a bloke who definitely prefers sex to be like this, although I can't imagine turning my wife down for a quickie. For me it's partly down to just really enjoying sex - I just don't want to stop sometimes. I also get an ego boost and feeling of "masculisation" (or whatever the opposite of feeling emasculated is) from giving her (what I hope and usually assume are) multiple orgasms. I stop if my wife says she is done, sometimes it feels awkward and sometimes there's a feeling or implication that although she was enjoying it earlier she doesn't consent to another minute so I have to stop.

I should probably add a few things to my post:

I'd prefer to be told to stop abruptly, than to be allowed to continue only to find out later that she was faking enjoyment. Faking enjoyment is a white lie, and I can understand wanting to avoid awkwardness or trying to be selfless, but honesty helps each other know what works and what doesn't. I think you should try to prepare him for the fact that there will be times when you won't want a marathon, without letting on about previous times.
He clearly wants to give you amazing sex, but as others have said it sounds like he doesn't know what your definition of amazing sex is. I bet if you told him a fantasy, he would go a long way to make it happen. It also sounds like he is making an effort to be nice and be an awesome partner, but is making all kinds of wrong assumptions. He sounds good intentioned and loving but naive and clueless to what you want. Different people want different things, and express love in different ways (and want love expressed in different ways) it might be that he just needs to know what you like, or it may be that you aren't really compatible in some ways

Thanks, everyone's responses are helpful!

We had no sex last night, period, tiredness and although I felt him being very frustrated he still managed to be affectionate (without pushing me away or being cold, or grinding on me etc), so this makes me like him more again!

I'm really struggling unfortunately. I can't even explain how. I've had a stressful couple of weeks and sex has not been at the top of my agenda. He's been super supportive (as he can be, not in person as we LDR but in spirit 🙄). So we have a weekend planned together that involves different activities. Guess what 'activity' he is fixated on? Last night he kept trying to get me to do sexting in anticipation of our weekend and I just was not in the mood. It's not that he is pushy as such because he gives up when I don't respond or explain, it's just that I know I should be in the honeymoon phase still and I am not. Rather than this being his fault I begin to wonder if we have just reached our natural end. I honestly don't think I would miss his presence in my life all that much.

I don't know if I should talk to him about the sex thing or just bite the bullet and end things. I want to say that in all honesty, knowing he is wanking at home every night at 10pm thinking about me isn't flattering or a turn on. And I have always felt this way about all men. I get nothing from sexting. Sex in real life? Great. Imaginary sex? Not for me.

His level of sexual preoccupation is boring and the expectation of amazing sex is pressurising and off putting. Do you think he's going to fundamentally change?

I find it odd your friends tell you are commitment phobic
To me you come across as you are trying to hold on to this relationship for some reason and because you kind of feel you have to?

I would call it a day, it all sound tedious just reading about it gosh really do yourself a favour and end it now. My gut feeling also tells me that you would see a very different side of him at that point.

Sorry OP but this man is never going to make you feel good